†Forsaken†

Loneliness

I keep trying to count,
How many times I've had to sit here,
And wonder why I've been left alone.

Is it because loneliness is what I crave?
Could be because I like it?

Then why does it feel so bad?

Just the thought of being alone for the rest of my life,
In a dark and abandoned corner,
Scares me.
But at the same time,
It's something that I want.

How am I supposed to decide on something I'm not sure of?
These kinds of things are always the hardest to come to terms with.

I push others away,
Because I like to be alone.
But then, others push me away,
And it feels like crap.

What am I supposed to do?
I want this to stop,
But I can't tell anyone.
It would change me forever,
Knowing that I gave in to something,
I was so sure I could defeat.
When at the same time,
I wanted it to defeat me.

How does this work out?
Is it a balance in the state of mind?
Or more like,
The state that my mind is in?

How do the feelings of loneliness,
Make me appreciate who I am,
And what I like,
When they make me wish I didn't?

Every day is always the same.
Sitting alone in an empty room,
With nothing but walls to look at,
And closed blinds to take salvation behind.

Not once have I heard a single knock,
Asking if I am alright.
But if that were to happen,
I would say yes.
And what I would really want to answer with at this point,
Is something even you should think about,
Before you ask yourself the same question.

Darkness of the Mind

Somewhere far away from here,
Is a place I like to stay.
It makes me feel safe,
And oblivious to the world.

There's no where I'd rather be,
Than trapped in my own dark thoughts.
Instead of having to live my life,
Pretending that everything is perfect.

A few years ago,
Sadness was something I could never feel,
Even if I tried.
But now,
It's the only thing I know.

I've done everything I can,
To make myself appreciated,
But this world has been so malicious to me,
And rejection is all I have learned to hate,
Other than myself.

Why do I keep going on like this?
Why do I even bother trying anymore?
Is it the fear of death that gets in my way,
Or what keeps me here?
And if it is, I can't explain why.

Too many days,
I've had to spend,
Wondering if this was the real thing;
If this was what life really was about,
Receiving a cruel attitude from most people,
And disrespect from everybody else.

Was life meant for such depression?
Was it meant for such lies?
Was it ever meant for me?

If things were better before,
Can they ever be that way again?
If there was once a fire in my eyes,
That drove my determination,
Can it ever ignite again?
Or has it been put out for too long,
To even have a chance?

Is everything that ever happened to me,
Good or bad,
Going to be the result of the darkness my mind is in?
Or is it too late?

In the end,
Will everything happy I've ever thought of,
And fought for,
Betray me,
And leave me to die?
Unless I'm getting ahead of myself,
It already has.

Who would know,
That just minding your own business,
And trying to live your life,
Happy,
Could be such a crime.