Oh yes, thats sounds much better now. I liked that line, but, it does flow better without it. I really like how you changed it. Sounds veeeerrry nice
but.... i feel so picky here! hope I'm not pissing you off, there's something a little off about the line "I wander lonely through the barren fields of her soul"
for one, just the word lonely should prob. be changed to alone..
and this one isn't all that important, but you're switching views here in an awkward part of the song. The rest of the song is focusing on "another person" and then for just one line you make it you inside of her instead of her inside of you like the rest of the song.
So, if you made it "she wanders alone through the barren fields of my soul" or something like that, it will just fit in with the rest of the song a little more.
You know what I mean?
And also, the last line: "Final Lullaby" is just so moving.. I love it SO much!! I really relate to this song, it's so beautiful^.^
You think if I ever got famous with my music I could use one of your songs? Ooh, I think I'm obsessed
I'd pay you too.