Let me explain this to you: I suffer from both Major Depression and Bipolar Depression. And for me, Depression is like a big deep ocean. It comes in waves. First, I feel extremely sad and worthless. I don't sleep anymore, I just sit in my bed and stare at the wall. This is what I usually do in my free time after school aswell. FUN. I'm so empty, I'll do anything just to feel SOMETHING...All I can see is the negative. I have no motivation, for either things I used to love, like my art, or to interact with other people. Then I stop talking to other people, then everyone else starts thinking I'm weird and cold, and then I feel lonely, and it starts over again. When it gets deeper into the depression, that's when the mania will start. My adrenaline will rush through me all at once, and I'll have a HUGE surge of energy, that I have to let out. Everything will start moving extremely fast, and sometimes I actually can't see anything, everything is sortof pastelly and blurred out of focus, but like its being played in fast forward at the same time. I will start having an anxiety attack, and all my thoughts will start running into eachother in a huge jumbled mess, like I'm thinking more than one thing at a time, and one thought will start playing over and over again in my mind, or my thoughts will leave an echo in my head, giving me a headache. I will feel like I HAVE to move, but then I will also feel this huge weight upon me, like something is pinning me down. I will sometimes go into convulsions when this happens, thrashing out and ripping out my hair. Thank got I haven't had an anxiety attack this bad at school. YET. I will start pacing around my room, and I will often have the need for extremely loud music. Which will then have my mom or stepdad start a fight w/ me, which will result in alot of screaming and will strangely actually calm me down. I'm totally frantic when suffering from a mania attack, and I will usually feel the need to destroy something, either cut myself or smash or throw something. I've had to stop myself multiple times from punching a whole in my wall/window. After the mania I will have extreme lows. I will go back into the depression, and I will just fall over and start crying for 2 hours, usually wearing myself into sleep. In the depression after the mania, I feel totally numb. I can't feel anything, then pain, then numb, then pain... During these times I think about people I miss alot, I miss them so much, and maybe thats why I'm depressed....I dont know....I just don't know anymore. I have no idea what makes me depressed. It's everthing. It's Nothing.
But let me explain, my Mom knows I'm depressed. I've told her multiple times that I want medication or some form of help. But she doesn't seem to take me seriously, she just says "oh ya, we will sometime" or "its not that important" and please dont tell me to try to talk with her, because I hate her, and she truly doesn't care about me. I'm very scared about going to a doctor, becuase I find it hard to talk to people in person about this. Plus my doctors not a very good doctor...I also don't really want to do counseling, because I've had counseling for other things, and it hasn't helped, because frankly, I think alot of the counselors I've had(and probably many I haven't) don't actually care, or don't think my problems are very important. But I'm desperate, I need someone there for me.
Help me, please.

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INSANITY IS THE FIRST SIGN OF INSANITY!!!