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Originally Posted by Silver Wing
After reading all that, I have to ask - who diagnosed you with "bipolar depression" and "major depression"? Did you see a doctor? Because I'm sorry, if you've seen a doc and he formally diagnosed you with Bipolar Disorder, then chances are good he also ordered you to take lithium or some other mood stabilizer, which requires constant medical maintenence.
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I'm not 100% sure but I'd place money on it-- you can't have a dual diagnosis of Bipolar
depression and major depression. As major depression features no manic episodes. You could, in theory have been told to of had
manic depression and bipolar depression, since they are the same thing. There is often misdiagnosis, but never dual.
And another simple way of putting it is this--major depression (clinical) is actually called unipolar depression. Bipolar, well it's called BIpolar, 2, not 1. Meaning with BPD, you have to phases depressive and then manic. Unipolar only experiences one.
But I must reiterate, Bi-Polar (and mood disorders) aren't really my forte.
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I recognize that you're a little on the young side, but let me offer this bit of advice - Bipolar Disorder is the psychomedical condition du jour, everyone either has it or knows someone who has it... yet a great majority of these people are self-diagnosing. This is more common than people think, especially among youngsters.
If you do suspect you suffer from Bipolar disorder, than you MUST go see a medical professional and be diagnosed. There is no other way to manage the disorder. I'm not a doctor, but I speak from experience, as my wife was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in her teens. After almost fifteen years of mood stabilization treatments and counseling, she has learned how to manage her moods (for the most part) and is not on any medication today. In fact today she's a registered nurse and one of the most rock-solid stable people I know. I sometimes question whether she was bipolar at all or a victim of expedient medical care, but either way, she has gotten her life on track. The point here is that whatever gear was slipping in her psyche, she couldn't fix it alone and had to get help from professionals, which is what you need to do. People can empathise and commiserate with you all day, but the bottom line is that if you don't seek help, you're not going to get it... the doctors aren't going to come to you.
At a bare minimum, go to the counselor or nurse at your school and talk to them about this. Tell them everything, the violent episodes, the urge to cut... everything. Chances are good that you're going to have to go for some kind of evaluation, but in the long run, that is the only way you're going to overcome this. Too many people either self-diagnose and don't seek treatment, using their own diagnosis as a blank-check excuse to act out or be anti-social, or they fear the system and don't want to undergo an evaluation and short-term commitment. You have to weigh the difference, though... what is preferable, spending a few days in a treatment facility getting yourself straight or spending the rest of your life mentally torturing yourself?
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Lithium isn't the be-all-end-all treatment for BPD, depending on what type, Lithium might even be useless (as well as extremely dangerous.) A lot of times Rapid Cycling BPD type 1 does not respond to lithium, so that'd be setting up someone for some serious failure all around. As far as BPD type II with rapid cycling, it's not even recommended, I've only ever heard of Depakote and Lamictal being used (at least when the diagnosis is known BPD II versus mistaken BPD I)
And other than Lithium, there are other drugs, carbamazepine and valproate which have the same efficacy, if not more than Lithium...
As far as everything else you said, I completely agree. I didn't read the original post, but I assume you don't have actual episodes of extreme mania because I know what that's like for someone experiencing it and they are so far from depression (constant) it's unreal. My ex is severely bipolar, unbelievably so, and unfortunately he does not believe he is (he has been diagnosed, I've even seen the evaluation) and is not medicated for it. He takes straterra for "ADD" but his episodes of mania are literally insane. I don't know how to explain it. I have a video of him that I think really shows it that I'll post later, perhaps.