Quote:
To every suppressed emotion that,
Seduced it’s neighbor in discord.
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it's = its, gramatical
That's about all I could find 'wrong' with yours. The fact that you use more commas than I was the only other thing, but that's just writing style.
Quote:
There’s love in this pain that I’m feeling.
This numb;
This bloodless feeling of, detachment.
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It sounds like you're emphasizing 'detachment', but would probably be more effective as-
There’s love in this pain that I’m feeling.
This numb;
This bloodless feeling of
detachment.
but again that's more writing preference than anything, and I think it's meant to be a three line stanza, looking at how the poem progresses.
And thus the ending to my strenuous search for badness.
I liked the poem, though. Honestly, at the name "Exodus", my first thought was "Oh, god, please not another Evanescence rip...". But I was most pleased when it turned out quite a different story, unrelating to the song by the same name.
I loved all of the wonderful hidden meanings, but did you mean for this to be one?
Quote:
And,
How could something so cold hearted, feel, so warm?
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It struck a double meaning to me, vaguely though, and I wasn't sure if you intended for it to be a play on words (cold hearted, harsh; cold hearted, blood loss).
Mmmm, yes, a bit long, but still kept my attention througout.