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Kris^ · 08-05-2004, 08:23 AM

People want reactions and opinions .. .here's mine.

While lacking the more rigid "Poetic Style" of stanza's and grouped thoughts, your writing shows intuitiveness and a grasp of concepts outside most peoples ken. That being said, you seem to dwell a bit much in this transience, using descriptive metaphor and "Dreaminess" to float the reader along instead actually following your writings purpose. After about 3-4 lines of description most peoples attention tends to wander unless they are trying to focus on what you are saying. This makes it difficult to follow along as you write. More adept readers of poetry, who are used to tangents and sidebar thoughts in the core of a work, will be able to stay tuned into your work, but most people reading your work for the first time will have to re-read it 2-3 times to catch everything you wrote.

A few pointers if I may. Try to shorten the sentences into more distinct entities, or shorten portions of them and use commas to separate the lines within each portion (perfectly legitimate poetic practice). This way the reader will more easily be able to keep track of each portion of what you are saying, and they will tend to "stick" in the mind better. I found even my own attention wandering slightly due to the long lines across the page. People tend to browse right past portions of a work if their attention strays.

Keep at it, practicing shortening, omitting, or even taking poetic license with words (it is become tis, etc), instead of making statements. Phrases like "the pounding of the frigid droplets echoing a countermelody to my shadowed thoughts" can easily be made more interesting, like "frigid drops pounding a harmony with my shadowed thoughts". By removing "articles" (The, a, an) from your sentences it changes the rhythm, making the work seem less mundane, and showing that the author has no need for conventional syntax and grammar. Use a thesaurus, if possible, to find more intriguing (and accurate) alternatives for large words or descriptions. A lot of people write "off the top of their head", which limits both the writer and reader to the vocabulary of one person. By going outside the words you are used to using (Shakespeare knew over 600,000 different words in just the English language, as well as French and Latin) you will not only improve your vocabulary, but also intrigue and fascinate readers. Most people KNOW of more intriguing words, but they just do not use them, so seeing them piques an interest (see? "piques". . .not peaks . .there is subtle nuance difference in the words, and the alternative spelling is intriguing) that would not normally be there.

I found the subject matter and presentation to be very good, overall. Taking your entire work as a whole, in each instance, and watching where the words took the reader shows that you have an inate ability to paint the picture, then lead the reader through it, and examine alternatives and unfamiliar concepts while going through your work. Your endings delight in most instances, bringing the reader to your point of view, and giving them a great understanding of what the work was about, helping them to remember the crucial points made throughout the piece, and leaving them satisfied and comfortable with how it ended. Some of the presentation was simplistic right next to complex ideas, leaving a jangled feeling, but for the most part the works flowed very well.

I look forward to reading a lot more of your work. I'm done critiquing (forever and ever, amen, I promise). Poetry and poetic writings are always open to different interpretations. Some people will go gah gah over your work, some will sigh, some will shake their heads and move on. Don't worry too much about impressing anyone (ESPECIALLY ME!!!!) Do it for it's own sake, and let that be enough.

I'd really like to be able to jump out of my chair and yell YES!!!!!!!!!!! Keep at it .. I'm sure you'll get me jumping soon.

Kris^

08-05-2004, 08:23 AM	#9 (permalink)
Kris^ Member of the Banned PERMA BANNED Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Charlotte, NC Age: 50 Posts: 129 Points: 109.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 109.00 Donate	`hmmmmm. . interesting People want reactions and opinions .. .here's mine. While lacking the more rigid "Poetic Style" of stanza's and grouped thoughts, your writing shows intuitiveness and a grasp of concepts outside most peoples ken. That being said, you seem to dwell a bit much in this transience, using descriptive metaphor and "Dreaminess" to float the reader along instead actually following your writings purpose. After about 3-4 lines of description most peoples attention tends to wander unless they are trying to focus on what you are saying. This makes it difficult to follow along as you write. More adept readers of poetry, who are used to tangents and sidebar thoughts in the core of a work, will be able to stay tuned into your work, but most people reading your work for the first time will have to re-read it 2-3 times to catch everything you wrote. A few pointers if I may. Try to shorten the sentences into more distinct entities, or shorten portions of them and use commas to separate the lines within each portion (perfectly legitimate poetic practice). This way the reader will more easily be able to keep track of each portion of what you are saying, and they will tend to "stick" in the mind better. I found even my own attention wandering slightly due to the long lines across the page. People tend to browse right past portions of a work if their attention strays. Keep at it, practicing shortening, omitting, or even taking poetic license with words (it is become tis, etc), instead of making statements. Phrases like "the pounding of the frigid droplets echoing a countermelody to my shadowed thoughts" can easily be made more interesting, like "frigid drops pounding a harmony with my shadowed thoughts". By removing "articles" (The, a, an) from your sentences it changes the rhythm, making the work seem less mundane, and showing that the author has no need for conventional syntax and grammar. Use a thesaurus, if possible, to find more intriguing (and accurate) alternatives for large words or descriptions. A lot of people write "off the top of their head", which limits both the writer and reader to the vocabulary of one person. By going outside the words you are used to using (Shakespeare knew over 600,000 different words in just the English language, as well as French and Latin) you will not only improve your vocabulary, but also intrigue and fascinate readers. Most people KNOW of more intriguing words, but they just do not use them, so seeing them piques an interest (see? "piques". . .not peaks . .there is subtle nuance difference in the words, and the alternative spelling is intriguing) that would not normally be there. I found the subject matter and presentation to be very good, overall. Taking your entire work as a whole, in each instance, and watching where the words took the reader shows that you have an inate ability to paint the picture, then lead the reader through it, and examine alternatives and unfamiliar concepts while going through your work. Your endings delight in most instances, bringing the reader to your point of view, and giving them a great understanding of what the work was about, helping them to remember the crucial points made throughout the piece, and leaving them satisfied and comfortable with how it ended. Some of the presentation was simplistic right next to complex ideas, leaving a jangled feeling, but for the most part the works flowed very well. I look forward to reading a lot more of your work. I'm done critiquing (forever and ever, amen, I promise). Poetry and poetic writings are always open to different interpretations. Some people will go gah gah over your work, some will sigh, some will shake their heads and move on. Don't worry too much about impressing anyone (ESPECIALLY ME!!!!) Do it for it's own sake, and let that be enough. I'd really like to be able to jump out of my chair and yell YES!!!!!!!!!!! Keep at it .. I'm sure you'll get me jumping soon. Kris^