02-06-2006, 08:26 AM
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#24 (permalink)
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HOLY SHIT!
People are actually posting in here again?
I thought this thread was done a long time ago…
I always thought it was a good idea, but nobody ever really used it. I’m really surprised that it’s being used again now.
I think I need to go back and add something to the original post though; I think it will help keep people happy with it...
One of the reasons I think that it died for so long is because people are all about getting feedback, but not so big on giving it. So it would really help out, if you decide to post something here, to comment on at least one other person’s work. After all, you can’t really be surprised that you’re not getting any feedback if you’re not willing to give it out yourselves…
Just a thought…
Anyway, I’ll make a comment myself while I’m here, maybe I’ll post something of my own later on today.
Quote:
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Originally Posted by punkinhead225
You are my poison,
My drug, my liquor,
With every sip,
I'm drowning--quicker.
Addicted to you,
Addicted to pain.
One more hit,
And I'm clearly insane.
All my thoughts
Hanging from your taunt...
Trying to shake this,
But can't fight the want.
Love? Hate?
Who knows? Who can tell?
All I know is
Your drug, YOU...
Is hell.
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I found that this poem flowed very strongly for about the first half, and in general I like it. The only problems I can see with it have to do with pace. In the middle of it, the pace that you established became disrupted, and distracted me...
Pace issues are a lot easier to fix than those that involve content. I found the content fine, and it kept me interested throughout the piece. My best advice is to add a few syllables to some of your lines. Syllables are like the beat to a poem for me. It’s best to just feel it out most of the time, but I think that sometimes, a simple break down of the syllables in each line can help show where the pace might be interrupted…
Here’s one idea of what you could do with it…
You are my poison,
My drug, my liquor,
With every sip,
I'm drowning--quicker.
Addicted to you,
Addicted to pain.
One more hit,
And I'm clearly insane.
All of my thoughts,
Hanging from your taunt...
Trying to shake this,
But I can't fight the want.
Love? Hate?
Who knows? Who can tell?
All I know is
Your drug, YOU...
Is hell.
I only added the words, of, and I, to the whole thing, but I think that it reads a little better that way. It’s all a matter of personal taste though, so keep that in mind as well. The final judge of your own work will always be you…
Thanks for sharing this, I enjoyed reading it.
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