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Uriel Coleridge · 02-06-2006, 07:47 PM

Hey, nice poem Evy_shies. We'll try to give you the best feedback we can.

Ok... first thing: you start 2/3 stanzas in the poem with the same line: that's good, I like that. Emphazises the importance of the whispers. Now... you might want to start your first stanza with that line too. Something like:

A word never spoken, -------> Soft spoken whispers,
too safe to soon,
a leap to big
leading to her doom

Although, I'm not too sure how the second line fits in that stanza... (also, you missed an "o" in a couple of "too"'s in there) It does make sense, but... I'm just not perfectly sure on what you're saying.

I think you could change a few words to improve the sound and flow of the poem... like here:

keeping quiet showing no signs

to

keeping her silent,
Veiling her feelings

(NOTE: at least, that's what I think you mean by "showing no signs")

or in the last stanza:

soft spoken whispers
that broke the silence -----> break the silence
follwed by tears...
that show no alliance

(NOTE: don't over use words like "that," they work in places, but not everywhere)

Also... the ending is too "... Ok, so what now?" for my likes. It works, but it'd be better if you didn't cut the reader off so suddenly. My final advice is to add a few comas here and there.

On a positive note, I like the imagery you used: the memory of whispered words that someone told the girl. I like how the actual whispers (and not the memory) are the ones that torment her and trap her. (well, that's the message I got...)

Of course, the matter on word choice has a lot to do with opinion, so keep that in mind. Keep up the great work... you're very talented. Just a few minor things that could use improving, but content-wise the poem is very rich and well done. Using the contents of a memory rather than the memory itself as imagery is brilliant, and the fact that you use the same line over to emphasize the importance of the whispers in the poem was very neat too. I hope to see more soon, keep writing!

(I hope that didn't turn out too harsh... and, I'll drop by your thread later.

)

02-06-2006, 07:47 PM	#28 (permalink)
Uriel Coleridge Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Medellin, Colombia Age: 18 Posts: 386 Points: 250.00 Bank: 1,154.45 Total Points: 1,404.45 Donate	Hey, nice poem Evy_shies. We'll try to give you the best feedback we can. Ok... first thing: you start 2/3 stanzas in the poem with the same line: that's good, I like that. Emphazises the importance of the whispers. Now... you might want to start your first stanza with that line too. Something like: A word never spoken, -------> Soft spoken whispers, too safe to soon, a leap to big leading to her doom Although, I'm not too sure how the second line fits in that stanza... (also, you missed an "o" in a couple of "too"'s in there) It does make sense, but... I'm just not perfectly sure on what you're saying. I think you could change a few words to improve the sound and flow of the poem... like here: keeping quiet showing no signs to keeping her silent, Veiling her feelings (NOTE: at least, that's what I think you mean by "showing no signs") or in the last stanza: soft spoken whispers that broke the silence -----> break the silence follwed by tears... that show no alliance (NOTE: don't over use words like "that," they work in places, but not everywhere) Also... the ending is too "... Ok, so what now?" for my likes. It works, but it'd be better if you didn't cut the reader off so suddenly. My final advice is to add a few comas here and there. On a positive note, I like the imagery you used: the memory of whispered words that someone told the girl. I like how the actual whispers (and not the memory) are the ones that torment her and trap her. (well, that's the message I got...) Of course, the matter on word choice has a lot to do with opinion, so keep that in mind. Keep up the great work... you're very talented. Just a few minor things that could use improving, but content-wise the poem is very rich and well done. Using the contents of a memory rather than the memory itself as imagery is brilliant, and the fact that you use the same line over to emphasize the importance of the whispers in the poem was very neat too. I hope to see more soon, keep writing! (I hope that didn't turn out too harsh... and, I'll drop by your thread later.) __________________ My poems and stuff... Honest critiques for your work. Punish him. I've got a question for you... think you can answer it? ...'Cause all we are is what we're told, And most of that's been lies...