Hey Gina. Nice to see you're experimenting with the poem.
hm... I missed this on my first pass through your poem. These two lines don't seem to work too well with it...
a leap too big,
leading to her doom
You might want to explain what kind of "leap" she's taking... is it a symbolic one, or a physical one? and if it is a symbolic one, what is it symbolic of? (and, a leap too big hints that she took an extra leap, not that the leap was too big... you mght want to re-word that) Perhaps a little information on why she took the leap in the first place would work too...
(something like:
"haunted by her memories/
she strugles to escape/
blinded by fear/
she has leapt into the path/
leading to her doom"
yeah, a little too many lines by me there... that's just a thought of mine, perhaps too many words... I... I dunno...
)
The flow has gotten smoother (I don't know how my suggestion on those two lines would work, though... ) as it is, but if you want to make it smoother you might want to remove a few redundant words here and there.
(For example:
killing her inside,
leaving behind,
her only memories of time ---> her can be taken out, and the line would still work.)
Keep working on it, it's coming along quite nicely.
Oh, one last thing...
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Evvy_shies
And in my thread, Ill make a warning that most of those poems are extremely ridiculously emo. I've grown alot from that state in my life, so Im trying to became a "writer". So those are definetley not things im proud of.
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Don't say you regret those poems... emotion is essential in poetry. Also, using your writing to vent things is out is very useful... look at some of my poems... "Thieves," for instance, is basically an all-out attack against my classmates.
Writing is a process: you get better with each poem. I started out too uptight, and all my poems had an ABAB rhyming shceme, with the same number of syllables on every rhyming line. Now, I'm much more relaxed... and even if I do like my new stuff better, I still have some old poems which I absolutely love. I like where you're going with your writing... you're very creative and have plenty of talent to spare. I have a feeling you'll put all those feelings in you and all that creativity to great use. Good luck with that poem, and with the rest of your work. Hope to see more new stuff soon.
(I'm not done getting through your thread yet, but I'll get to it soon, I promise.
)