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Uriel Coleridge · 02-07-2006, 05:54 PM

Nice dude! Let's keep this thread alive.

Ok, so your poem... first off, as a personal fan of FFVII, KICK. ASS. CHOICE. on the topic.

Now, onto the criticism...

I like the flow of the poem. It's consistent, and it's got a nice pace to it. There are a few spots here and there where the pace gets a little disrupted... For example:

Reign of hate and greed and fire
Hades looms above
Sephiroth the question asked
Is "do you have no love?"

The answer back is not for us
The mortals of the Earth
Who live in fear and pain and grief
From Birth until the dirt

both bolded lines are a bit too long... at least, that's what I thought. It happens again a few times in the poem... however, the solution is simple: don't over-use words like "and."

Instead of

The angel has no sympathy
And he won't hear your anguished cries

try

The angel has no sympathy,
And won't hear your anguished cries ---> (or remove the and leave he)

Also, some lines make little to no sense at all...(or, the don't really "belong" where they are... at least, that's what I thought) like these:

Upon your wings alight

Yet you demon I know you well

Sephiroth the question asked
Is "do you have no love?"

The answer back is not for us

Leader with an iron fist

From life and light To darkened night
On this last one... it's a bit long. So, my suggestion is to add a line break before "To" and/or change "darkened night" to something more parallel to "life and light" (death and night or something...)

On a positive note... You payed the proper respect to good ol' Sephi. You managed to capture the feeling you get when he stares at you... so cold, ruthless... so perfect. I absolutely LOVED the last two stanzas, I think it was a great way to end the poem.

So, the basic advice is: don't over use words like "and" and try to re-word some of your sentences... the content is good, but the choicew/order of words makes it confusing at times. I like your style, you depict the "feel" of a character rather than the feelings he produces and/or the character himself. Nicely done. I hope to see more soon.

02-07-2006, 05:54 PM	#33 (permalink)
Uriel Coleridge Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Medellin, Colombia Age: 18 Posts: 386 Points: 250.00 Bank: 1,154.45 Total Points: 1,404.45 Donate	Nice dude! Let's keep this thread alive. Ok, so your poem... first off, as a personal fan of FFVII, KICK. ASS. CHOICE. on the topic. Now, onto the criticism... I like the flow of the poem. It's consistent, and it's got a nice pace to it. There are a few spots here and there where the pace gets a little disrupted... For example: Reign of hate and greed and fire Hades looms above Sephiroth the question asked Is "do you have no love?" The answer back is not for us The mortals of the Earth Who live in fear and pain and grief From Birth until the dirt both bolded lines are a bit too long... at least, that's what I thought. It happens again a few times in the poem... however, the solution is simple: don't over-use words like "and." Instead of The angel has no sympathy And he won't hear your anguished cries try The angel has no sympathy, And won't hear your anguished cries ---> (or remove the and leave he) Also, some lines make little to no sense at all...(or, the don't really "belong" where they are... at least, that's what I thought) like these: Upon your wings alight Yet you demon I know you well Sephiroth the question asked Is "do you have no love?" The answer back is not for us Leader with an iron fist From life and light To darkened night On this last one... it's a bit long. So, my suggestion is to add a line break before "To" and/or change "darkened night" to something more parallel to "life and light" (death and night or something...) On a positive note... You payed the proper respect to good ol' Sephi. You managed to capture the feeling you get when he stares at you... so cold, ruthless... so perfect. I absolutely LOVED the last two stanzas, I think it was a great way to end the poem. So, the basic advice is: don't over use words like "and" and try to re-word some of your sentences... the content is good, but the choicew/order of words makes it confusing at times. I like your style, you depict the "feel" of a character rather than the feelings he produces and/or the character himself. Nicely done. I hope to see more soon. __________________ My poems and stuff... Honest critiques for your work. Punish him. I've got a question for you... think you can answer it? ...'Cause all we are is what we're told, And most of that's been lies...