Ergh... I've got some catching up to do. But, I'd like to thank Jane for joining us here. Your comments are very good... it's very nice to have someone whit your knowledge here.
Ok, so let's start... (I'll excuse myself beforehand if I make shorter critics... I'm just VERY short on time these days. I'll try and make a full-out review ASAP)
Caligari_87: Nicely done. Loved the topic, and how you worded it, even if it does vary a little. I don't know as much about writing as our friend Jane here, but... I think it works very well. However, I agree with her on serveral things:
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Originally Posted by agentpudge
The only other thing that bothered me while reading it is in your line: "Our kind is rare and hard to find" I get slightly mixed up in the rhyme within the line. Ugh that whole sentence rhymed. When you do things like this you risk sounding cheesy and commercial, not something you want to do. I would want to see you rework the words in that one to make it sound more genuine.
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She's right. Those lines are always fun to write, yes, but sometimes, they sound cheesy. To avoid having people think of it that way, you might want to re-word it. maybe somethin like "people/lovers like us..."
Also, some lines would work better if you changed the order of the words or re-worded them. Like this one: "We're somehow different, You and I" I just find that a little redundant... I feel that something like "Somehow, we're different/From the hurried rushing mass" works better. Also, in the second-to-last line, I think "kind" would work better than "species." (I find species too...
scientific [for lack of a better word] for the poem)
That's basically all I have to say about it. It's got a nice flow, a great message, and the imagery works well. Good job, you've got some skill man.
Gina/Evvy_shies: Love the poem. Not something you see everyday. It's a great combination of repetion, dark and creepy imagery, and contradicting feelings that works very well. (then again, this poem can be interpreted in many ways, and I've got a twisted little mind, so I'll understand if you [or anyone else for that matter
] didn't see it how I did...
)
However, you seem to be having some trouble with your english... even though it doesn't take away from the poem, it makes it slightly confusing to read sometimes. For example, I'm PRETTY sure you meant "shudder" instead of "shutter."
Your wording is a little edgy. You need to work on it. Look at this line:
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I would shake with fear knowing you were out for a kill,
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It could work as "I shook IN fear, knowing you were out for the kill/to kill".
And the verb tenses aren't working that well in these two:
Quote:
I cant help but to remember every bruise you caused,
every muscle to flinch, and every bone to chill
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Changing the "caused" to BEFORE "every bruise" makes all the difference in the world in those two lines. It sounds a lot better.
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Your the one that hurt me, all because I let you know I was alone
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This line could be worded differently... maybe change it to something like "You hurt me once/when I let you know I was ("all" could work) alone"
It depends on personal opinion too. But, instead of changing "lonesome" I'd try removing the "one". If you don't feel like removing it, then synonyms like "secluded" or "desolate" might work. If you're feeling a little more "I want that night to be the worst it can be" try things like " that acursed" "that one damned" or stuff like that...
It's got a powerful message, and you get it through very well. I like it a lot. Keep it up Gina, you're pretty good at this.
(PS: I'm trying to get through your thread, but I haven't quite made it yet... T_T sorry)
Slayer2003: heh... nice job. I like trick poems like that, that they seem to go one way, but they're really going somewhere else.
So, to rip away... the two stanzas before the last are rather confusing. What is that slimy thing (especially under your bed)? and why did your finger turn GREEN?
You might want to explain better.
Also, if you're up to it, you could change the imagery and the wording a little as to make the poem darker, to add a better twist at the end. That last stanza was too broken up... too many pauses in the last line, and the second line just doesn't work too well. Read it outloud, pausing and stuff, see how it sounds. Also, I think you should add a smile somewhere in the end... after all, I'd be smiling once I found my homework (especially in relief
), and it'd emphazise the twist.
The last thing would be to do as Jane said, to relate the thrid line of every stanza somehow. That'd make the poem a lot better.
Nicely done. A funny poem that worked very well. Next time, don't tell us it's different... we'd all enjoy the suprise.
Keep up the great work!
And
Arcane, I'll post on your songs tomorrow, seeing as I need to crash now. Sorry. But so long as I'm a minor, the rules are the rules.
*sighs* being a teenager sucks so bad sometimes...