EvBoard - Evanescence Forum - View Single Post - !!!-not For The Faint Of Heart-!!!

Uriel Coleridge · 02-13-2006, 07:44 PM

Ok, so I've got some time to comment. Let's get on to it...

Arcane: Wow. Great songs. Tears is AMAZING. It's got a very nice rythm to it (or, at least, that's what I get from what I see) and it flows very smoothly. Some advice... you could try shortenning some of the longer sentences. NOTE: only those that won't lose their meaning... such as "You sliced the marionette strings" to "You sliced the/my strings". Also, you might want to look carefully at what you really want to say sometimes... is your faith IN the phoenix ashes instead of WITHIN? Do the flowers bloom IN the acid rain, or INTO it? Since I'm not sure what you mean, I can't say much about that, but I'm just pointing it out in case.

Other than that, "Tears" is definetely an amzing song. I love everything about it.

"Asylum" is definetely something else. Loved how you repeated the second stanza, and how you described the feeling of being in an asylum. I couldn't find anything wrong with it.

The Reaper: wow. Unusual writing.

First poem...

Liked the topic. However, here's what I feel went wrong... For one, too long. It's too complex... try and simplify your thoughts, and choose the most important things there to shorten it. You end up giving a feeling of redundance at times, which is different from repetion: repetition is to emphasise, but redundance just makes it sound like you're making the same point over and over again. Like the one on how teenagers grow... (the learning and work etc...)

Also, avoid periods. They give too much pause to the poem. Try keeping a steady flow throughout the entire poem. Your lines are uneven, and that doesn't work too well for this type of poem.

As for the second poem... I'll refrain from posting on it, at least for now. I've had a rather tough last few weeks, and seeing as I'm rather religious, my critique will probably come out rather biased. So, in spirits of giving you the critique you deserve, I'll wait till things settle down a bit till I comment on that one. Cheers.

Oh, and Paratextus... I'd LOVE to leave a comment today, but I'm REALLY short on time... so, sorry about that. I'll get back to those two tomorrow.

02-13-2006, 07:44 PM	#49 (permalink)
Uriel Coleridge Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Medellin, Colombia Age: 18 Posts: 386 Points: 250.00 Bank: 1,154.45 Total Points: 1,404.45 Donate	Ok, so I've got some time to comment. Let's get on to it... Arcane: Wow. Great songs. Tears is AMAZING. It's got a very nice rythm to it (or, at least, that's what I get from what I see) and it flows very smoothly. Some advice... you could try shortenning some of the longer sentences. NOTE: only those that won't lose their meaning... such as "You sliced the marionette strings" to "You sliced the/my strings". Also, you might want to look carefully at what you really want to say sometimes... is your faith IN the phoenix ashes instead of WITHIN? Do the flowers bloom IN the acid rain, or INTO it? Since I'm not sure what you mean, I can't say much about that, but I'm just pointing it out in case. Other than that, "Tears" is definetely an amzing song. I love everything about it. "Asylum" is definetely something else. Loved how you repeated the second stanza, and how you described the feeling of being in an asylum. I couldn't find anything wrong with it. The Reaper: wow. Unusual writing. First poem... Liked the topic. However, here's what I feel went wrong... For one, too long. It's too complex... try and simplify your thoughts, and choose the most important things there to shorten it. You end up giving a feeling of redundance at times, which is different from repetion: repetition is to emphasise, but redundance just makes it sound like you're making the same point over and over again. Like the one on how teenagers grow... (the learning and work etc...) Also, avoid periods. They give too much pause to the poem. Try keeping a steady flow throughout the entire poem. Your lines are uneven, and that doesn't work too well for this type of poem. As for the second poem... I'll refrain from posting on it, at least for now. I've had a rather tough last few weeks, and seeing as I'm rather religious, my critique will probably come out rather biased. So, in spirits of giving you the critique you deserve, I'll wait till things settle down a bit till I comment on that one. Cheers. Oh, and Paratextus... I'd LOVE to leave a comment today, but I'm REALLY short on time... so, sorry about that. I'll get back to those two tomorrow. __________________ My poems and stuff... Honest critiques for your work. Punish him. I've got a question for you... think you can answer it? ...'Cause all we are is what we're told, And most of that's been lies...