Hey there Becky. Thought I'd look at one of your pieces for you...
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by MoonlightShadow
Something I wrote one day about how much I hate liars. Enjoy.
"Liar's Fire" - By: Moonlight Shadow (aka: Becky)
Everything you say
Makes you sound so true
With every passing day
These thoughts make their way through
So easy to believe
Yet so hard to doubt
Impossible to achieve
My protest shouts out
Everyone thinks your numbers add up
It's too bad you're a liar, you started the fire
And it's burning you up
Everything you do
Makes you seem so right
Perfection is expected
Follow the rules and don't fight
The stigma of hippocracy
Radiates from you
It leaves me wondering
What's left for us to do
You think if you say it, that makes you right
It's too bad you're a liar, you started the fire
And it's raging out of control
Liar's fire burning bright
Burn the stars from the sky tonight
Block me from your sound and sight
The search for truth is a constant fight
- Becky  |
It definately didn't feel too forced. But, at times, it felt like it didn't have enough of a "standard form" to work all that well. Some of the lines are a little too long and take away from the feeling you are trying to portray. I'd suggest trying to keep each "statement" around the same number of syllables as the next, it helps with the flow and keeps the reader from feeling "out of breath" at the end of it all. Overall, this piece was an enjoyable read. Keep on writing!