Personally, I hugely prefer "Hold On" to either of the other two you posted. I think what makes it much more solid and successful as a single piece is that it isn't overbearing nor overly cluttered like I felt the first two were.

With your first one, I didn't think the repitition worked very well. Too much was being said, it was too word, that the repitition just died. It's too compact to work, if you understand what I'm saying. You're trying to put too much there and work too many ideas at once. Simplify that one up a bit.

The problem I had with the second one was that it just... lost its feeling to me. The ending just didn't satisify. It didn't connect for me, that or the title is just misleading. Something about the poem doesn't make it work cohesively, it doesn't feel like it's one story, or that you're going in one direction. What I mean is that it's a little confusing and I didn't get it. Sorry, I sort of ramble what I'm thinking, and I know it doesn't make the greatest sense.

The reason "Hold On" works so well is because the idea is very simple, and you tied it together with that phrase and usage of holding on to something... you worked it into different sections well, but in the end... you were still saying something, not just spewing fancy words. That one is really good... you should try submitting it to a magazine.

EDIT: I just read that first bit you posted. Putting up your work for response is one way you can grow as a writer. And just from my personal perspective, I hate when people come out about what they feel about their work, especially when it has nothing to do with the work itself... and it's just a single feeling, y'know? It turns people off. Don't be down from the start, it's not our job to tell you things you'll want to hear, so don't show your opinion so quickly. Another thing to remember is that people will learn (when writing) that they do just as well with both positive and negative criticism. You'll learn what you can and/or might improve, and you'll also learn what you're doing well to make it even better and to focus on it. Post some more, and write more. You'll do fine. You're far from terrible anyway.

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