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#1 (permalink) |
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Junior Member
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A song I wrote... Opinions?
Honest and/or constructive opinions please.
Your favorite line could help too. I'm not sure if it's finished or not, I wrote it yesterday but I keep changing things.I stare and look depper at the mirror looking back Reflection's forcing me to see through the mask A sharp look upon the things I'll miss Visions of what I could have taint me I've lost my sight and embraced my sins Broken and longing to break free Though the fragments tell a different story I tried but couldn't stop judging every reasoning I had And my dreams were overshadowed by decieving walls Walls in me that would remind me how much has faded Since I found my way to the devil's roads I tried to fight away everything I hated believing Wanted to make you proud of the lie I created Followed all rules but lost my target. Pretense is growing and everyone's smiling While I'm dying with a smile for you |
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#2 (permalink) |
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n00blet
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: California
Age: 15
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It's good!! I think the first line would sound better if you said 'it looking back', but otherwise it was really good.
Hmm... I think "Broken and longing to break free, though the fragments tell a different story" is my favorite line. Or lines. Whatev. |
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#3 (permalink) |
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Junior Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: england
Age: 16
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i lov the first 2 lines of the last part, i dont like that the first 2 lines ryhm, i dont like that at all, too many words i think, but ok, i wrote tons of songs, i have destroyed so much of my work becuase i look back like 3-4 months and realise what shit it was, for me tho no matter what i write its never good enough, i cant read my lyrics becuase i know il have to ust rip them up
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#5 (permalink) |
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Junior Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Pennsylvania
Age: 21
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I like it a lot. Really the only thing I think could be changed is certain little words/word groups that sound a little strange. For instance:
In the first line, it would sound better if you said "I stare and look deeper into the mirror looking back at me" "I tried but couldn't stop judging every reasoning I had" - You might wanna change it to "every reason I had" so it flows better. Also, when you said " I tried to fight away everything I hated believing"- I keep wanting to read it like " I tried to fight away everything, I hated believing" Or maybe "I tried to fight it all way, I hated believing the lies" Or something. Maybe it's just me but I think with a comma, it would be a more profound statement and have only a slightly different meaning. On a happier note, the song is nice and full of lots of imagery and intricacies, so it's like a story, which is great. I really like the last two lines of the first paragraph. This last part is my favorite, and I'm guessing this might be the chorus? I tried to fight away everything I hated believing Wanted to make you proud of the lie I created Followed all rules but lost my target. Pretense is growing and everyone's smiling While I'm dying with a smile for you I like the song a lot. You're a good writer! |
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