taylorpaige

So... I have this friend who I've known for about 3 years. We've always been there for each other and been really close. 2 years ago I moved schools and despite being at a different school we still stayed close.
At one stage we were both suffering depression, both self harming, all of that sort of stuff. Eventually I was able to overcome it through frequent psychologist sessions and school counsellor visits, etc. Since that I have spent my time worrying about her, trying to help her, making an effort to see her as much as possible, talking to her on msn and texting or calling her all the time because after 3 years she still hasn't overcome it.
Recently I've been feeling as if my efforts to help her have been absolutely hopeless. I've been talking to her less, even finding myself avoiding contact with her because I know it will be the same thing. She gets in trouble with her parents and school but she doesn't make an effort to do any work. She used to be an A grade student for fucks sake! And now shes failing subjects she used to love! She says she doesn't want to cut anymore, and I understand the temptation, but despite going back to it a few times, I've come out scarred but not broken and she just never stops. She says she's putting on weight and that she hates herself, yet she knows she should eat healthy and refuses to. It has become a routine for her. It has become a ritual.
She says she's seeing the psychologist and trying, but I've seen it all before. I know what she's like. She already had a psychologist before and I just don't know what to do.
The worst part about this is that I was her best friend, and I honestly don't understand her anymore. I feel horrible all the time because I don't know how to help her and my desire to diminishes with every complaint she makes to me about the same thing day in day out.
So here is my plea, I'm asking, if anyone has any idea what I can do to help her, to resist losing her forever, can you please let me know?

... I can't let her slip through my fingertips.

Shivercide

This is hard, as I've been there myself and know how complicated it can be. I don't even know much in the way of advice to offer, because this is something really tricky to be offering advice for. One thing I know, though, is that she won't be helped unless she truly wants it. She has to really want to stop/change and be willing to fight for it if she ever will. There will be ups and downs, I'm sure you know that as you've been through it yourself. But that's part of the fight towards change. No one else will be able to do it for her. I believe the best thing you can do for her right now is be there as best as you can and try to help her find other emotional outlets, but let her know she has to be willing to endure the struggle of change if it's ever going to end.

taylorpaige

And this is what I've been trying to explain to her. No matter how hard I try, I can't perform miracles. She needs to want to change things, I think maybe its just familiar to her and because of this she doesn't really want it to change.

Thank you, I am trying to be there. I guess its just harder now because knowing she doesn't truly want my help sort of makes me not want to be there. As horrible as that sounds, but does that make sense at all? Because no matter how much I'm with her, its never 'happy' and we never enjoy ourselves anymore like we used to. I haven't seen her in person for a bit, and I think its because every time I see her she complains about the same things and I tell her that only she can change them. I've always been there for her... But now I guess I'm not as much. I don't really see the point in being there for her anymore.

I guess it doesn't help that I now have one of my other friends (from my current school) having a go at me because she thinks "friends don't give up on each other". This frustrates me for a few reasons:
1. This has been my philosophy for years. I've always thought 'I've got to help her' 'I can't let her continue this way'. Likewise with other friends I've always tried to help them. But with everyone else there has been some sort of hope, some light at the end of the tunnel. And I can't help but think that maybe only darkness waits for her still.
2. She didn't even know her before I introduced them, she's met her once! Yes, they talk on msn or whatever else, but she doesn't know her as a person.
3. She's not the one who has been there for her for three years with no change whatsoever. She stands by "friends don't give up on friends" and calls me a hypocrite. But I don't think she really understand the situation. She's heard Tyler's side and refuses to try and understand mine.
4. She decided to turn it into a Facebook attack on me. Saying 'learn how to love' and 'stop being a selfish bitch' and you can imagine the rest. I honestly don't think that this was necessary. Why does everyone I know need to know about this. Honestly, she needs to say it to my face.


So yeah... Apologies for this post being so long. Thank you for your suggestion. I'll keep trying.

Shivercide

This does make sense, and it's a normal feeling. If she's not even trying to get better herself, there's only so much you can do and you're realizing this. Also you've said you have also been through this personally, so you have yourself to think about as well. Perhaps you should tell her how you feel about this, in a kind way - not in a way that sounds like you're "giving up" on her, but more in a way that gets across to her that you really want to help and be there for her, but you need her to help you help her. That meaning she needs to try to get better herself, and not give up herself. Learning independence in this is also, I think, a huge part of the process. If she's still seeing a psychologist, then great, but if not, then that's something she really should do in her effort to get better.

As for your other "friend," I'd tell her to mind her own business. It's not about her, and not up to her how you handle this, whether you're selfish or not. And from what you've said here, I don't see how you are being selfish anyway. Really it's just none of her business so I would tell her to nose out.

taylorpaige

Haha, this is what she doesn't understand. She's become dependent on me to be there. This sounds like a good way to get the message across though, thank you.
You have been very helpful.

Haha, I did. She didn't take it too well. x)
Oh well... If she wants to lose my friendship over someone she's met once, so be it. She's stupid for it, but whatever.



Thank you once again, I appreciate it.