Blitzkrieg

A couple of first attempts. Constructive critism will be appreciated.

The hand of God

A tainted halo around my head,
Gleams as I wade knee deep in the dead,
Your soul now freed, I have decreed,
You die by my hands now dripping and red.

Fates spinning wheel, weaves from black thread,
Tempt not my blade, its edge you dread,
A river of blood, a crimson flood,
By Gods admission your spirits set free,
Tonight the bells will toll for thee.

My name strikes fear in the hearts of men,
I appear before you, smile, and then
Black wings envelope and vanquish you all,
No use to resist, you kingdom will fall,
This lucid dream, a demons scheme,
My name echoed on your dieing breathe,
Azreal, Angel of death.

Justice

You once were lost, soon to be bound
By the noose hanging loose from the gallows that found,
Your name now shamed, hallowed and famed
By the media that tells of that for which your to blame,
hell awaits, you'll writhe in flame.

Enslaved and depraved by a nightmare of love
from your heart that she paved with her art
that you craved, Tattered and frayed, ripped and torn,
You pray and you wait, to be reborn.

The lies she told behind your back,
An image of cruelty that laughed as you snapped,
A blade in your hand, her eyes cold and alone,
As you engrave your name on her heart of stone.

Too numb to belive, too asleep to accept,
The murder you wrote, an un-payable debt,
Your need to bleed, satisfyed and fed,
Justice decreed by a flag, now red, white and dead.

The rope burns its mark around your neck,
Feet frantically scramble and search for the deck,
Hark, the herald angel of sin, a perfect white swan,
With raven black wings,
No-one hears the regret of which thine heart sings,
Forgotten by God, Forsaken by friends,
The swipe of a scythe, your pityful end.

Codger

I love 'Hand of God' and 'Justice" As a rhymer (If that is a word lol) you kick my ass big style, both pieces are some of the best work I have read in quite a while, i welcome you to my ev board poet list on my sig.

Frozen

I really love this!I imagine it with heavy guitars and drums and a deep male voice!Keep up the good work!

I_am_sam

I've been waiting for you to post some of your writings after giving such great criticism to everyone else. I really admire your work, I agree with Codger, the rhyming is used very well. I love Justice, the lines hit very hard. I tried picking out my favorite stanza, but its waaaay too hard. Good work.

Blitzkrieg

Frozen - Thanks, thats just what was going through my mind as I wrote it

Codger - Im honered to be in such a distinguished sig It was your work along with a few others that inspired me to actually post.

I_am_sam - Much appriciated, I thought it was time I posted my own work instead of just commenting on others. Glad you liked it

Blitzkrieg

This one needs editing and is far from finished. Hasnt got a title yet, and is rather heavily influenced by my constant soundtrack of cradle of filth Cd's playing on repeat at the moment, but I thought I'd post it anyway.

Behind my refelction, to long have I slept,
On down torn from the wings of angels that wept,
At a beauty so cold, that the Gods had foretold,
It'd break the minds of all you'd behold,
Before an idol of venomus serpents you've knelt,
This siren queen on her throne of ice,
To gaze upon her is to pay her price,
A demon harem ands its un-holy vice,
Cruelty and the feast of lice.

The story begins with the lord of your sin,
Soul eaten by worms that reside within.

A mask of perfection, glowing with pride,
Vanitys ghost, hosts nothing inside,
I fade and evade, so desperate to hide,
From the steeple of evil that preaches your lie,
Phantom pretenders last mercy has died,
Sweet surrender to sufferings bride.

Your everything that I prayed never to be,
Caged in gold by purchased perfection,
You've seen all your were ever destined to see,
But tonight you will suffer, and dance, for me.
Fates dealt you a favour, no right to cry,
Never a hero, unless you die.

In lust we trust o'er societys belle,
A haunting white doll you'd place on a shelf,
To serve on earth or reign in hell,
Bled now and lifeless, devoid of health,
Weep of paradise lost, fantasia down,
Lucifers angel in bridal, burial gown.

saida

Ah-hah, finally Blitzy bares his soul! I was just wondering yesterday how come you don't post your stuff! Well, anyway, here are my favorite bits:

Your everything that I prayed never to be,
Caged in gold by purchased perfection,
You've seen all your were ever destined to see,
But tonight you will suffer, and dance, for me.
Fates dealt you a favour, no right to cry,
Never a hero, unless you die.

In lust we trust o'er societys belle,
A haunting white doll you'd place on a shelf,
To serve on earth or reign in hell,
Bled now and lifeless, devoid of health,
Weep of paradise lost, fantasia down,
Lucifers angel in bridal, burial gown.

Wow. Never knew there was this much gothic, arctic darkness in you (I truly believe northern, arctic darkness is something completely different). I'm loving it

Gleams as I wade knee deep in the dead

I liked this whole poem but this part struck me the most, as an image and as an expression of what? self-hatred? I don't know, I've gotten to know you a bit lately and these poems just open up this whole new part I never realized there was in you, not that I could really know you that well but I wish I could. Inside your head = extremely interesting.

The rope burns its mark around your neck,
Feet frantically scramble and search for the deck,
Hark, the herald angel of sin, a perfect white swan,
With raven black wings,
No-one hears the regret of which thine heart sings,
Forgotten by God, Forsaken by friends,
The swipe of a scythe, your pityful end

Like I said, never knew there was this much anger inside of you, or at least anger colored like this. Well done. I'm impressed.

Oh and may I suggest you try out listening to Summoning and My Dying Bride? Dload Summoning's Long lost to where no pathway goes, if for not other reason than to humor me, please? You might really like it.

Esper-Hiwatari

Wow...i really like that line. Awesome. I loved the first two, also, but i never had time to comment on those before now.

Also and really powerful line, in my opinion.

I couldn't say which i favour of the three of them, all brilliant works!

raindrop829

wow you are an amazing writer. my favorite is the hand of God, but they are all excellent. very dark, but amazing. God bless

Darko

Woah... awesome. I feel like throwing in the towel now, you're so damn great!

I don't have much critisicm apart from there's like one spelling mistake (which I'm not sure about) - don't you spell "haream" "harem"? And there's a couple of unneeded -'s.

That's it... now for the good stuff.

"The lies she told behind your back,
An image of cruelty that laughed as you snapped,
A blade in your hand, her eyes cold and alone,
As you engrave your name on her heart of stone."

Just absolutely amazing. It paints such a picture, especially the idea of engraving your name on someones heart. It's like a clue he accidently left when he murdered her. Also the way you used "you" instead of "I", that was so effective, especially with a topic like this some people might find hard to identify with. A murderers POV... One thing, is there a better word or "told"? Minor thing though... not important.

"A tainted halo around my head,
Gleams as I wade knee deep in the dead,
Your soul now freed, I have de-creed,
You die by my hands now dripping and red."

My favourite stanza from that poem. The tainted halo bit was good, the fallen angel/saint metephor is overused by some people, but that's a really good way of putting it. I don't think decreed needs a - though.

"In lust we trust o'er societys belle,
A haunting white doll you'd place on a shelf,
To serve on earth or reign in hell,
Bled now and lifeless, devoid of health,
Weep of paradise lost, fantasia down,
Lucifers angel in bridal, burial gown. "

I loved this stanza. Especially the last line... more oposing ideas - "Luicfers angel in bridal, burial gown." ... wonderful poetry!

I don't listen to cradle of filth so...

But why did you not post your stuff before?!