Beginning (I'm not a poet) - Page 2 - EvBoard

ajchz · 03-16-2006, 02:32 PM

wow!!! this is really good! congratulations girl!

Quote:

Originally Posted by rosan

But I write and I feel better

great quote!

OdeToTheMuse · 03-16-2006, 02:59 PM

hey!! those are great! I really like em! Please keep on postin'!!

greez, Claudine

Im_Broken · 03-16-2006, 06:42 PM

No problem. I liked how you kind of just expressed your feelings. I think poems sound really great when you just express feelings. Great job.

rosan · 03-27-2006, 06:14 PM

@ajchz. Thank you so much for your comments,that lines really express how I feel when I'm writing..

@Claudine. Thanks for visiting my thread I hope you like my next poems..

@Rach.Thank you so much, I hope you stop here again when you come back from your vacations

Here is one of my last creation. Hope you like it, I always wanted to write songs so here is my first song (or what maybe could be one) Hope you like it.

Reality

I don’t know what’s going on
I can’t see trough you and me
I don’t know what’s wrong with you
Even what is wrong with me
I am feeling like today
You’d be taking over me
What’s the matter with our love?
Please just tell me, because now…

CHORUS (1)
My heart desires to be free
My soul is screaming to me
Your love is not a good thing
‘Cause it’s making me a doll
In the hands of a kid

Now I know what’s going on
I have woken from my dream
Never felt like this before
Never expected be like this
But even the most beautiful dream
Must come to an end, why I couldn’t see that…

CHORUS (2)
*My heart desired to be free
My soul was screaming to me
Your love was not a good thing
‘Cause it was making me a doll
In the hands of a kid

Feeling you’re a stranger now
Pressing my heart to almost break it
I have reached at last to be free
I’ve recovered at last my lost dream

Repeat CHORUS(2)

Im_Broken · 03-30-2006, 11:26 AM

No problem. I'm back from vacation and I'm back to viewing your thread.
I really love the song. It has a great feel to it. Nice job writting it too.

rosan · 04-03-2006, 02:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Im_Broken

No problem. I'm back from vacation and I'm back to viewing your thread.
I really love the song. It has a great feel to it. Nice job writting it too.

@Rach. Thank you so much! I always appreciate your opinion, I have another poem (I'm so impatient when I have new poems, I want to post all of them

*lol*)
It's kinda short but I dedicate it to a very good cyberfriend and I hope she will read it someday and she will like it.. I inspired in some words she said...

Leaving home (24-03-06)

Like you’re leaving home
Is how you feel today?
Maybe a little bit insecure
But no problem!, You’ll be O.K.
Then you sit and think again
Am I trying to escape?
‘cause you’re leaving home indeed
You don’t feel it’s the right way.
But you think and sit again…

Packing bags you’re feeling cold
Remembering younger days
When the rain spoke to you
So sweet words into your head
But the rain hides your sun
Now; today, you need to escape
Need to breathe, new spring’s air
Need to leave your home, your place…

ajchz · 04-03-2006, 04:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rosan

@ajchz. Thank you so much for your comments,that lines really express how I feel when I'm writing..

Don't worry i always like check threads like yours... I really like it! Congratulations!!!!

Rosan, girl you have talent!

OMG, I really wanna listen the song reality, song greats!

FelicityS · 04-04-2006, 09:05 PM

Hey, I really love your poem 'Wind at Night'!

Can't wait to see more

Violette · 04-04-2006, 10:31 PM

Hey! Guess who finally stopped by?!

I'll do what I can, since I'm getting kinda sleepy. Let me just point out the poems that stood out the most for me...

"The Way I Feel" is my fave of yours so far. It rings so true for me, since I write some of my poems to get something off my mind. I think almost any writer would be able to relate to it. And I love the last line, too.

"Leaving Home" ... I like how you started that with a question. It's unusual, but it works for what you're trying to say. Just one tiny grammatical thing: The second-to-last line in the second stanza is a little awkward, with the comma placing and starting the line with the verb. Maybe "You need to breathe the new spring air" would work OK? It's up to you, though. You are the writer here. But other than that small section, I'm a-liking this one, too.

"Wind at Night" is very descriptive. Not in a visual way, but in an emotional way. It's also dark yet romantic - it's not sugarcoating the feelings you're trying to convey, and it comes together beautifully. (FelicityS said something similar about one of poems recently, so I didn't completely come up with that myself! *lol*) One small suggestion here, too: This line from the second stanza - "Bringing to life my sleeping, numb soul". Great line, but I think it might read even better if it says "Bringing to life my numb, sleeping soul". Just that little switcheroo, that's all.

"Departure"... It's never easy to write something in memory of a loved one you've lost. I know the feeling. I've written poems for my two grandparents who have passed away, and I've cried each time. Thanks for finding the courage to post that poem here on EvBoard.

Hmmmm.... I think your work is deserving of some reppage.....

EDIT: It won't let me rep you, rosan.

Next time, I promise.

rosan · 04-05-2006, 10:53 AM

@ajchz.- what else can I say?, Thank you!

, and about the song, I'd like to make the music for it but awww, I haven`t even tried it, I think it's something hard but who knows? maybe someday I'll try

. See ya

@FelicityS.- hi, thank you for visiting my thread, I visited yours but I haven't had time to see all your stuff, when I finish I'll tell you my opinion, I promise (OMG I'm making so much promises *lol*

).

@Violette.- Oh what a happiness!, welcome to my thread.. *sighs* At last I can see you here hehe.. I really appreciate your suggestions and I will take at least the suggestion in Leaving home, the suggestion in wind at night I agree with it too, but how you said it's just a little switcheroo

.

It's a little bit hard to me notice things like that because I don't manage english at all, there are so many things I don't know yet but I hope to learn more in a future. There is something courious, I only write in english although my language is spanish, I don't know but I feel indentified with english for writing poetry It something strange *lol*.

I hope to see you checking my stuff everytime you can, I'll be really glad and don't worry I don't have so much time to put myself online neither

.

Umm. I write not too dark but this time the darkness flowed through my pencil *lol* I inspired in a mixture of breathe no more and tourniquet. Hope you like it guys, and if you don't please tell me, I will appreciate.. Thank you again!. Here is a new poem

Sinking

Chasing shadows are her partners
She doesn’t think she could escape
The road has ended for her feet
The heavy charge has broken her
As lost as she can,
she follows the way
Of all stray souls
that claims for a chance
She looks in the mirror
And don’t know so well
Where’s hidden the truth
If inside or in front of her
She takes the decision
She knows there’s no regret
Crumbling around her is the room where she stays
As crumbling is her heart and her hands tremble again
Those hands have the power
To switch down her pain
(At last for her brain is the only way to escape)

Suddenly crimson rivers flows
From her pallid arms in vain
She thinks she’s purging all the suffering
That has became her life in a mess
But it’s unreal, now she’s so lost
For some people, that think they’re God
But underneath all it rises a question
Is now she free?, Salvation is hers?
Or just has she started the never ending pain?
She is sinking in the sea that she made herself

03-16-2006, 02:59 PM	#12 (permalink)
OdeToTheMuse Senior Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: I am floatin' in serenity... Age: 18 Posts: 713 Points: 123.16 Bank: 1,210.48 Total Points: 1,333.63 Donate	hey!! those are great! I really like em! Please keep on postin'!! greez, Claudine __________________ DeviantArt. FlickR. ArtThread.

03-16-2006, 06:42 PM	#13 (permalink)
Im_Broken Fledgling Post Monkey Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Illinois Posts: 1,397 Points: 470.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 470.00 Donate	No problem. I liked how you kind of just expressed your feelings. I think poems sound really great when you just express feelings. Great job. __________________ -Rach- ((Check out my stuff)) when it starts to rain break out the slip and slide

03-27-2006, 06:14 PM	#14 (permalink)
rosan Proudly Bodoquian Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: In Bodoquia, where everything is possible!! XD Age: 24 Posts: 151 Points: 4,222.98 Bank: 17,344.94 Total Points: 21,567.92 Donate	@ajchz. Thank you so much for your comments,that lines really express how I feel when I'm writing.. @Claudine. Thanks for visiting my thread I hope you like my next poems.. @Rach.Thank you so much, I hope you stop here again when you come back from your vacations Here is one of my last creation. Hope you like it, I always wanted to write songs so here is my first song (or what maybe could be one) Hope you like it. Reality I don’t know what’s going on I can’t see trough you and me I don’t know what’s wrong with you Even what is wrong with me I am feeling like today You’d be taking over me What’s the matter with our love? Please just tell me, because now… CHORUS (1) My heart desires to be free My soul is screaming to me Your love is not a good thing ‘Cause it’s making me a doll In the hands of a kid Now I know what’s going on I have woken from my dream Never felt like this before Never expected be like this But even the most beautiful dream Must come to an end, why I couldn’t see that… CHORUS (2) My heart desired to be free My soul was screaming to me Your love was not a good thing ‘Cause it was making me a doll In the hands of a kid Feeling you’re a stranger now Pressing my heart to almost break it I have reached at last to be free I’ve recovered at last my lost dream Repeat CHORUS(2) __________________ 'my drops of ink' (poetry thread)(abandoned for a long time) Wanna see amazing poetry? click here! WR Bodoquia's kingdom*

03-30-2006, 11:26 AM	#15 (permalink)
Im_Broken Fledgling Post Monkey Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Illinois Posts: 1,397 Points: 470.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 470.00 Donate	No problem. I'm back from vacation and I'm back to viewing your thread. I really love the song. It has a great feel to it. Nice job writting it too. __________________ -Rach- ((Check out my stuff)) when it starts to rain break out the slip and slide

04-04-2006, 09:05 PM	#18 (permalink)
FelicityS Fledgling Post Monkey Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Sydney Posts: 1,403 Points: 700.64 Bank: 41.06 Total Points: 741.70 Donate	Hey, I really love your poem 'Wind at Night'! Can't wait to see more __________________ My Space My Stuff

04-04-2006, 10:31 PM	#19 (permalink)
Violette Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Away from EvBoard for a while... I'll be back at some point wink Age: 24 Posts: 800 Points: 1,033.21 Bank: 793.40 Total Points: 1,826.61 Donate	Hey! Guess who finally stopped by?! I'll do what I can, since I'm getting kinda sleepy. Let me just point out the poems that stood out the most for me... "The Way I Feel" is my fave of yours so far. It rings so true for me, since I write some of my poems to get something off my mind. I think almost any writer would be able to relate to it. And I love the last line, too. "Leaving Home" ... I like how you started that with a question. It's unusual, but it works for what you're trying to say. Just one tiny grammatical thing: The second-to-last line in the second stanza is a little awkward, with the comma placing and starting the line with the verb. Maybe "You need to breathe the new spring air" would work OK? It's up to you, though. You are the writer here. But other than that small section, I'm a-liking this one, too. "Wind at Night" is very descriptive. Not in a visual way, but in an emotional way. It's also dark yet romantic - it's not sugarcoating the feelings you're trying to convey, and it comes together beautifully. (FelicityS said something similar about one of poems recently, so I didn't completely come up with that myself! lol) One small suggestion here, too: This line from the second stanza - "Bringing to life my sleeping, numb soul". Great line, but I think it might read even better if it says "Bringing to life my numb, sleeping soul". Just that little switcheroo, that's all. "Departure"... It's never easy to write something in memory of a loved one you've lost. I know the feeling. I've written poems for my two grandparents who have passed away, and I've cried each time. Thanks for finding the courage to post that poem here on EvBoard. Hmmmm.... I think your work is deserving of some reppage..... EDIT: It won't let me rep you, rosan. Next time, I promise. __________________ Come join!

04-05-2006, 10:53 AM	#20 (permalink)
rosan Proudly Bodoquian Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: In Bodoquia, where everything is possible!! XD Age: 24 Posts: 151 Points: 4,222.98 Bank: 17,344.94 Total Points: 21,567.92 Donate	@ajchz.- what else can I say?, Thank you! , and about the song, I'd like to make the music for it but awww, I haven`t even tried it, I think it's something hard but who knows? maybe someday I'll try . See ya @FelicityS.- hi, thank you for visiting my thread, I visited yours but I haven't had time to see all your stuff, when I finish I'll tell you my opinion, I promise (OMG I'm making so much promises lol ). @Violette.- Oh what a happiness!, welcome to my thread.. sighs At last I can see you here hehe.. I really appreciate your suggestions and I will take at least the suggestion in Leaving home, the suggestion in wind at night I agree with it too, but how you said it's just a little switcheroo . It's a little bit hard to me notice things like that because I don't manage english at all, there are so many things I don't know yet but I hope to learn more in a future. There is something courious, I only write in english although my language is spanish, I don't know but I feel indentified with english for writing poetry It something strange lol. I hope to see you checking my stuff everytime you can, I'll be really glad and don't worry I don't have so much time to put myself online neither . Umm. I write not too dark but this time the darkness flowed through my pencil lol I inspired in a mixture of breathe no more and tourniquet. Hope you like it guys, and if you don't please tell me, I will appreciate.. Thank you again!. Here is a new poem Sinking Chasing shadows are her partners She doesn’t think she could escape The road has ended for her feet The heavy charge has broken her As lost as she can, she follows the way Of all stray souls that claims for a chance She looks in the mirror And don’t know so well Where’s hidden the truth If inside or in front of her She takes the decision She knows there’s no regret Crumbling around her is the room where she stays As crumbling is her heart and her hands tremble again Those hands have the power To switch down her pain (At last for her brain is the only way to escape) Suddenly crimson rivers flows From her pallid arms in vain She thinks she’s purging all the suffering That has became her life in a mess But it’s unreal, now she’s so lost For some people, that think they’re God But underneath all it rises a question Is now she free?, Salvation is hers? Or just has she started the never ending pain? She is sinking in the sea that she made herself __________________ 'my drops of ink' (poetry thread)(abandoned for a long time) Wanna see amazing poetry? click here! WR Bodoquia's kingdom

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