Scott

Therapy has opened my eyes to a lot of ideas, especially concerning the mental conditioning we go through unintentionally and our responsibility to stand up and deal with the given situation. One in particular strikes a cord very close to my being. Co-dependence. There are many different viewpoints on what this means. Often times and most prevalently, it is associated with dealing with an alcoholic friend or family member. But the effects have been associated with many other issues. It includes any chemical or substance abuse, sexual abuse, a toxic personality, self-infliction, or even a cheating husband. The broad definition is any conformity of one's self to deal with the addiction of another.

Both sides of my family are rife with abuse and depression. My father's family suffers from the more genetic issues, including his own alcoholic (and former drug abuse), a former tweaker brother who is now an alcoholic, and an alcoholic mother so wrapped up in the issues of others that she has driven herself mad. My mother's family includes a former-alcoholic father, a manic-depressive mother, and four kids that were mentally, emotionally, and verbally abused during their parents' tumultuous ways. They're all drinkers. My mother is manic-depressive, as well. This was mostly perpetrated by my grandmother who failed to even show up to my brother's funeral based on religious beliefs, although both parents are responsible for this.

Thankfully it didn't take grandpa long to kick his issues. He hasn't been an alcoholic for 25 years, resulting in a new and beneficial marriage that lasts to this day. Unfortunately, my grandmothers are slowly dying, probably suffering from years of either being hateful or too blindly-loving. I, as you probably figured out, have lived with these issues most of my life. Many of us have and I know many of you reading this can probably relate. I have been around alcoholism for so long that I had adjusted myself to deal with it, even though dealing has basically screwed up my mind, to put it lightly. This is why co-dependence happens. You get so used to the routine of putting up with someone else's problem, it becomes all you know. If you pull away or change, they retaliate. If they pull away or change, you are left to be alienated in unfamiliar territory.

It's a symbiotic relationship that creates a cycle of hurt that isn't healthy for anyone. This is why breaking away from it is so difficult. A part of you needs that hurt. Thanks to therapy, I have seen that there's only one way to break addiction. The addict has to learn on their own. Take my grandmothers. They never broke their addictions and are now dying slowly because they couldn't combat them, despite so many years of aid and support, even if that aid and support came in the form of the suffering of others. Because no one can break someone else's addiction, there's only one priority really. Standing up and fighting your own mind and regaining control of a life skewed and lost to the follies of others. You may wonder why you have to do the work when you weren't the one with the problem.

Unfortunately the addicts can't do this for you. Even when addicts break their cycle, the co-dependent person still feels wary about life and the scheme of things. These people are not adjusted to the new way of things, even to the point of not believing there is a problem anymore. This goes for most situations. The person you need to be most concerned about is yourself. Why? Third-parties, such as friends or a significant other, are directly affected by your actions. You are doing more harm to them if you aren't capable of handling yourself to an approachable degree than you are just stopping to help them. You become the martyr. A lot of dependent people such as myself have a talent for helping others and looking for the greater good, but we are still flawed. When someone doesn't thank you or show the respect you think they got from you, you get upset or frustrated because you never got a thank you from the addict who has screwed you over. A conflict happens and the dependent person suddenly drops into a feeling of guilt and sadness.

Anyone who talks to me online has experienced this atleast once. I am not in the position to help so many people...or even a few. This is why I escaped the clutches of the internet for a while. I can't take it. And I realize I push myself farther than I can go. Everyone else suffers because they get so used to my naive routine that if I do indeed flip out, it's enormous, and they experience the full force of it. This is my addiction and I am doing no different than any other who has one. People used to your problems and deal instead of saying "Hey, you know what? I can't handle you right now." As hard as it sounds and as hard as it is to admit that people in the end have to live their own life, it's essential. Once people don't absolutely need you and you don't absolutely need others, including a loved-one, everyone is truly free.

This doesn't mean can emotion and throw away any shred of care. Quite the contrary. Put yourself in the position to love yourself and love others, even if your self-exploration is difficult. Whenever you feel a rise coming, be the energy of the emotion. Let it out. Channel it into stopping, assessing, finding the problem, and dealing with it accordingly. If it's too much to bear, let it out to a friend, go into some room and be alone, et cetera. Either way, make it so you can honestly look at yourself and say "This is wrong and I need to change it. And for myself."

Although I suggest professional therapy abve all else, the book I had just finished today is Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie. She, herself, is a recovered addict and a victim of co-dependence. This is the book to start with. She has written many different books on subjects such as these. She tends to push the penning of other authors as well. Read. Educate yourself. Find answers on your own. The world isn't designed to spoon-feed. Learn to live and love life like you deserve.

Good luck!