Dealing with feelings after an abusive ex

LurkerOfShadows · 07-26-2005, 06:58 PM

Yeah, I did leave. It may have took me awhile... but I finally did something. It took me 3 1/2 years to figure it out... and another 3/4 of a year trying to sort it out. .. I am not completely over the fact.... but I realize the facts a lot better now. And if a guy ever tries to lay his hands on me... I'd leave the first time...

As far as his father... I actually have nothing against him... He is extremely sweet, and nice to me... and acts like a stepdad to me.... he's not degrading or anything. He doesn't abuse his kids or my mother... but when his kids get into trouble then lie about it or something.... he gets heated... but he's not 'abusive'. He knows the limits on punishments. Or so I think. I mean.. he's not. And I can really talk if I needed to... I just never did.

At first I didn't ever want to date. And my friend tried to get me too, but I couldn't do it. I was afraid of being hurt agian.. and I felt sort of guilty if I dated another guy... I thought it was still my fault. .....I still don't think I am ready to date...and I certainly don't want to... but I am trying a lot harder to handle everything now. I'm still really confused, but I'm 16 I guess that's expected... I don't know how long until I actually get done with it, but I guess I am willing to wait it out now.

WhisperOfRain · 08-03-2005, 11:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LurkerOfShadows

I don't know how to just come out and say this... it's really hard. But I dunno what else to do. A lot of my thoughts are jumbled up right now... so bare with me please.

I was dating, who is now my ex., for 3 1/2 years. As I explained in the topic of being bullied, I was abused most of those years. Hit, punched, pushed, held down, pulled by the hair, and verbally degraded. He told me I'd never make it anywhere, I'm a bitch, and a liar. Ugly, overweight... I had no talent...I felt like I had no way out. I was stupid, and I didn't know where to turn. I spent most of my years with him persuading people in my family and people at school that everything was okay. That nothing was wrong. I wore long sleeve shirts and jeans or a long skirt or something, to hide what he had done. My mom and my dad had grown concerned and started to thing that I was cutting myself. When I was really just hiding the bruises and scratches and scars from him. I soon began to think like he told me I really was. Then one night, we were watching a movie, and we started to make out... but when things almost got out of hand, I tried to push away. He tried to get me to keep going and to go into another room, he kept pushing and pushing, when I finally got through to him that it was no, I was close to being raped, but he stood up and pushed me into the couch, slapped me and told me "fine" and stormed off to his bed room.... I was shattered, and broken... I have no idea what the truth is... I have absolutely no idea what the truth is

Not even about 4 months ago I finally got out, after seeing a topic on Ch. 1 news at school, I went out in the hallway because I didn't want to watch it. My teacher came out and saw me crying and for once I spilled everything, because I didn't know what else to do anymore. It was tearing me apart inside and out, and I could think, sleep, breathe, or eat for periods of time...... My life had been shattered.

But 4 months after I left him, and I talked to the conselor at my school, she talked to my parents. But when my mom confronted my ex's dad about it, he talked to his son, but he denied everything, the physical and verbal abuse for 3 1/2 years and the other night.... everytime his dad brings it up.. he denies it.

My mom is now dating his dad, (they live in a dif. state). On monday, she promised his son (my ex) that she'd come watch his swim meet. And we tried and tried and tried to get someone to let me stay with them, but no one was that kind about it... so I told my mom, to be nice, and help you out, I'll go, we are only staying for 1 day and I don't have to see him. The truth was, I didn't want to go... I never wanted to see his face... I never want to hear his name said ever again.... I did see him.... I walked right by him... and he never looked at me... and didn't say a word. I went to the park down there and stayed there, trying to write in my journal, but I couldn't... I as I wrote, my hands started to shake really bad, and I cried..... When it was time to go to the meet, I walked down there with my mom. But I tried to stay as far away as I could from where ever he was. We sat down... and he came by talking to my mom ... a couple dif. times when we were standing around and sitting in the chairs.... but he ignored me... didn't look at me... didn't talk to me.... and he talked about his girlfriend in front of me. And mom apparently doesn't get this. All she has been asking me about it she sex thing. It's not that that has bothered me so much..... she thinks that it is. I even wrote her a letter, and read it to her, but she can't seem to process through her head what he did. Supposedly it was "joking around" But it was, when he was around family or friends, but when I was on my own with him, it was different..... he played a game with me .... and I got sucked into it...... How do I get her to actually understand... because I can't get the words to come out of my mouth, I can't get myself to say what all he did to me....

I never want to talk to him again... I have no more words. Well, actually I do.... but nothing so feminine.... just rude, and vulgar... he has ruined me....

It has been 4 months, but I can't stop... I can't stop thinking....I don't know where to go from here. And I can't talk to anyone... They haven't seem to get what I am really saying. It's like I'm speaking but no one can here me...

Please I don't know what to do... I need all the advice I can get.

Christy

There is so much more to say than what I could write here. PM me if you'd like, I'd be more than happy to talk to you. No matter what, it isn't your fault. There's so much pressure to do things with your mom or dad's boy/girlfriend...I know how that goes. I'm not going to say I understand everything because I haven't walked in your shoes, but I do care.

LurkerOfShadows · 08-08-2005, 07:05 PM

Thank you Whisper. I got your pm.

I have been crazy these past few weeks... so much going on, but I'm honestly doing better with this situation. I came to my moms house this week... and I thought I could honestly say that I am doing better... that I am okay. And I still think I can... but when I was in walmart, my mom said something that threw me off guard, but I didn't let her see it....

remember when i told you my mom found that letter and her and her bf read it. she went to Indianna to see her bf. and 'he' read it... supposedly he's writing me one back. My mom was like "oh yeah, he read that letter and is supposed to be writing to you..." So, I told her " you know.. i don't care anymore. I told you I was done and over it. If he does, fine, if he doesn't oh well..." it was the end of story we didn't talk about it anymore.

I let her think that I don't care, but even thought I am dealing... i still think i do... If he does or doesn't write back... I think either way I am going to feel something... and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. What should I do. Should I wait for the letter or not get my hopes up. What if he does write back... should i say something... should i read it and let everything go. If he writes back... maybe he's not as coldhearted as i thought.... or what if he doesn't... so then was it justified for me to say that in an earlier post.

I thought I was alright... I can honestly say I was doing better, I wasn't letting it bother me as much... as i used to. What is wrong with me?

goldengoaliex910 · 08-10-2005, 12:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LurkerOfShadows

I have to admit. I am doing a little better than before. I know that he can't control me... and that I wasn't the problem. It just killed me that he was being so coldhearted. But I know that it has made me a stronger person, like the bullying thing. [/I]

Would you rather of had him talk to you and act like nothing had happened?

He's not going to come out and apologize or anything like that. He thinks he's done nothing wrong.

Your mom is in the wrong here. I don't see how any mother could do that to their own daughter. It's disgusting.

I've never been in your situatiuon before, so unfortunatly, I cannot offer any advice, other than I sympathize for you and your situation and that I wish you the best.

LurkerOfShadows · 08-10-2005, 07:54 PM

I figured that he wouldn't do anything of the sort. I thought maybe he would, I don't know what the letter's about. Hell, he might not even write it. And as much as I am upset and confused about all this... my mom is my mom. I love her no matter what.

I just wish I knew what to expect from the letter...

Unknown · 08-10-2005, 08:57 PM

Yeah, that's how I am too. I mean I know I'm young, but don't underestamate me. From almost December to May I was depressed, and no one knew. I kept it all inside and wrote poems about it, but no one ever knew. I'm pretty sure one of my good friends suspected it, but she didn't bother to find the truth. Then one day I met Victor, who is a year older then me. He totally brought me back from my deppressed state. I fell for him at once. Suddenly I had no desire to cry at night when no one was around to hear. I was free. I was happy. But most good things end badly. Once I was myself again, I realized I couldn't stay with someone who wasn't anything like me. So Victor and I went our seperate ways. Fortunetly(sp?), I'm still happy and content. Mabye thats what you need. You need to move on and date other guys, and hopefully you'll spring on one that will help you heal. Remember that all guys arn't like your ex, and that they all deserve a chance.
Also, its awsome that you got yourself outta being raped.

Unknown

LurkerOfShadows · 08-11-2005, 05:27 PM

My best "guy" friend and I are in a band... When we first met, I thought ok he's cool. I didn't know why he was coming up to me when he did, but I went with it. He heard me sing, and I showed him some of my songs... and we decided to start a band. After a while... we became best friends, we talk about a lot, and I didn't think he liked me like that. But we were sitting in the gym on the bleachers, and he had his arm around me... he tried to grab my hand, but when I went to move, he pulled me in and tried to hold my hand.... I felt like I was with my ex again... but he didn't mean to. I told him why I felt so upset, and started to cry... he understood and has helped me try to get past this. A day or so ago, we talked on the phone from 11 at night till 7 in the morning. He's like "you realize we just did one of the most romantic things you can do..." I said really.... and he's like "yeah, we just talked on the phone all night." Since then, I can't stop thinking about him, and how perfect he is to me, and that him, our band, and my best friends are the only things I have that's going right in my life. Everything else isn't anything at all.

I'm hoping that we do go somewhere with this. But I even told him, I don't know what to say, my heart excepts it, but my head doesn't want to get the fact that we like eachother. I don't know how to deal with the concept that he 'loves me' because last time I trusted that... I got hurt... And what if we break up... where is our friendship going to go, we have been bestfriends for a while.... and what about our band, and our bond with everything. So i'm 2 sided on this. but I guess im willing to give him a shot.

He's a good listener... and whenever I need to talk to him about what happened previously in my relationship.... he's there to listen and to help. God only knows I need help this week.

LurkerOfShadows · 08-24-2005, 07:14 PM

I heard back from my mom about it.... he told her so she could tell me.... that he was sorry and didn't realize I felt that way --- like i was being abused, and hurt, and all. Because it seemed like it didn't phaze me... And that he read the letter, but couldn't write anything back... because he couldn't bring himself to. and so he told her a few things to tell me...
then my mom's like "see it's like me and --- her bf --- we didn't know either, because their were moments when you guys would play around and stuff...as we could see and he'd hit you... and you'd take off or he would take off and you would go too....

so i told her... but i laughed and pretended it was okay.. and he'd joke around around you guys... but you still aren't getting the point behind it all... when we weren't around everyone else.

She's like "well, i guess not... explain it to me" I told her "I have told you... and if you don't understand still...then its not my problem anymore. I am trying to move on. I don't want to let it control me. It took me long enough to get out... so I am done with it.. I'm not goign through this anymore."

So she finally said then "well, maybe one day you guys will see eachother or something and sit down and talk about all of it.... he'd probably like to do that... he is sorry...."

before i hung up i told her "no i don't think we will. i have made it clear i odn't want to see him or hear of him again... and i am done with it. i am trying to move on. ok."

and it was done and said.

is he really sorry? should i talk? i have stuck in the rut again.

LurkerOfShadows · 09-25-2005, 04:10 PM

I decided to make a site... a poetry site... and its all in folders. Maybe this would help? I'm not sure... He asked my mom about me.... why can't he just leave... I want to leave .... go away from this forever. He decided to definately not write me. He said that he wouldn't know what to say.

Screw you! I don't care anymore....

Okay maybe I do.... ugghhh.

TaintedSoul

*sry I didn't now where to put this... I guess this wasn't the right place considering its not somewhere to post your feelings... I just need guidance, and I don't know where to go....

-Christy

Jane · 09-26-2005, 11:53 AM

My personal opinion on this is that if your mom knows about what you went through with your ex, and she's continuing to see your ex's dad. That is just so upsetting and frightening to me. As your mother - any mother - I believe that kind of situation is grounds for calling off a relationship. I am shocked that she's still seeing this man, that defends his son, after all that has happened to you.

How does she not realize the pain that she's causing you? Why is she forcing this upon you? That's incredibly wrong of her. If she continues on with the relationship, you'll always be tied to your ex, and that's not fair for you. Perhaps you should write her a letter stating that. It's hard for you... tell her you don't feel comfortable with her being in that relationship.

I'm sorry, I'm not giving good advice right now... but I'm just so angry that she's still in the relationship... how selfish. She needs to think more about you and not herself; I'm so disgusted.

End.

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07-26-2005, 06:58 PM	Dealing with feelings after an abusive ex Post #11
LurkerOfShadows seulement le nécessaire Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Anywhere but Home Age: 24 Posts: 327 Points: 5,233.88 Bank: 227.80 Total Points: 5,461.69 Donate	Yeah, I did leave. It may have took me awhile... but I finally did something. It took me 3 1/2 years to figure it out... and another 3/4 of a year trying to sort it out. .. I am not completely over the fact.... but I realize the facts a lot better now. And if a guy ever tries to lay his hands on me... I'd leave the first time... As far as his father... I actually have nothing against him... He is extremely sweet, and nice to me... and acts like a stepdad to me.... he's not degrading or anything. He doesn't abuse his kids or my mother... but when his kids get into trouble then lie about it or something.... he gets heated... but he's not 'abusive'. He knows the limits on punishments. Or so I think. I mean.. he's not. And I can really talk if I needed to... I just never did. At first I didn't ever want to date. And my friend tried to get me too, but I couldn't do it. I was afraid of being hurt agian.. and I felt sort of guilty if I dated another guy... I thought it was still my fault. .....I still don't think I am ready to date...and I certainly don't want to... but I am trying a lot harder to handle everything now. I'm still really confused, but I'm 16 I guess that's expected... I don't know how long until I actually get done with it, but I guess I am willing to wait it out now.

08-08-2005, 07:05 PM	Dealing with feelings after an abusive ex Post #13
LurkerOfShadows seulement le nécessaire Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Anywhere but Home Age: 24 Posts: 327 Points: 5,233.88 Bank: 227.80 Total Points: 5,461.69 Donate	Thank you Whisper. I got your pm. I have been crazy these past few weeks... so much going on, but I'm honestly doing better with this situation. I came to my moms house this week... and I thought I could honestly say that I am doing better... that I am okay. And I still think I can... but when I was in walmart, my mom said something that threw me off guard, but I didn't let her see it.... remember when i told you my mom found that letter and her and her bf read it. she went to Indianna to see her bf. and 'he' read it... supposedly he's writing me one back. My mom was like "oh yeah, he read that letter and is supposed to be writing to you..." So, I told her " you know.. i don't care anymore. I told you I was done and over it. If he does, fine, if he doesn't oh well..." it was the end of story we didn't talk about it anymore. I let her think that I don't care, but even thought I am dealing... i still think i do... If he does or doesn't write back... I think either way I am going to feel something... and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. What should I do. Should I wait for the letter or not get my hopes up. What if he does write back... should i say something... should i read it and let everything go. If he writes back... maybe he's not as coldhearted as i thought.... or what if he doesn't... so then was it justified for me to say that in an earlier post. I thought I was alright... I can honestly say I was doing better, I wasn't letting it bother me as much... as i used to. What is wrong with me?

08-10-2005, 07:54 PM	Dealing with feelings after an abusive ex Post #15
LurkerOfShadows seulement le nécessaire Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Anywhere but Home Age: 24 Posts: 327 Points: 5,233.88 Bank: 227.80 Total Points: 5,461.69 Donate	I figured that he wouldn't do anything of the sort. I thought maybe he would, I don't know what the letter's about. Hell, he might not even write it. And as much as I am upset and confused about all this... my mom is my mom. I love her no matter what. I just wish I knew what to expect from the letter...

08-10-2005, 08:57 PM	Dealing with feelings after an abusive ex Post #16
Unknown Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Age: 21 Posts: 27 Points: 1,150.03 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 1,150.03 Donate	Yeah, that's how I am too. I mean I know I'm young, but don't underestamate me. From almost December to May I was depressed, and no one knew. I kept it all inside and wrote poems about it, but no one ever knew. I'm pretty sure one of my good friends suspected it, but she didn't bother to find the truth. Then one day I met Victor, who is a year older then me. He totally brought me back from my deppressed state. I fell for him at once. Suddenly I had no desire to cry at night when no one was around to hear. I was free. I was happy. But most good things end badly. Once I was myself again, I realized I couldn't stay with someone who wasn't anything like me. So Victor and I went our seperate ways. Fortunetly(sp?), I'm still happy and content. Mabye thats what you need. You need to move on and date other guys, and hopefully you'll spring on one that will help you heal. Remember that all guys arn't like your ex, and that they all deserve a chance. Also, its awsome that you got yourself outta being raped. Unknown

08-11-2005, 05:27 PM	Dealing with feelings after an abusive ex Post #17
LurkerOfShadows seulement le nécessaire Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Anywhere but Home Age: 24 Posts: 327 Points: 5,233.88 Bank: 227.80 Total Points: 5,461.69 Donate	My best "guy" friend and I are in a band... When we first met, I thought ok he's cool. I didn't know why he was coming up to me when he did, but I went with it. He heard me sing, and I showed him some of my songs... and we decided to start a band. After a while... we became best friends, we talk about a lot, and I didn't think he liked me like that. But we were sitting in the gym on the bleachers, and he had his arm around me... he tried to grab my hand, but when I went to move, he pulled me in and tried to hold my hand.... I felt like I was with my ex again... but he didn't mean to. I told him why I felt so upset, and started to cry... he understood and has helped me try to get past this. A day or so ago, we talked on the phone from 11 at night till 7 in the morning. He's like "you realize we just did one of the most romantic things you can do..." I said really.... and he's like "yeah, we just talked on the phone all night." Since then, I can't stop thinking about him, and how perfect he is to me, and that him, our band, and my best friends are the only things I have that's going right in my life. Everything else isn't anything at all. I'm hoping that we do go somewhere with this. But I even told him, I don't know what to say, my heart excepts it, but my head doesn't want to get the fact that we like eachother. I don't know how to deal with the concept that he 'loves me' because last time I trusted that... I got hurt... And what if we break up... where is our friendship going to go, we have been bestfriends for a while.... and what about our band, and our bond with everything. So i'm 2 sided on this. but I guess im willing to give him a shot. He's a good listener... and whenever I need to talk to him about what happened previously in my relationship.... he's there to listen and to help. God only knows I need help this week.

08-24-2005, 07:14 PM	Dealing with feelings after an abusive ex Post #18
LurkerOfShadows seulement le nécessaire Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Anywhere but Home Age: 24 Posts: 327 Points: 5,233.88 Bank: 227.80 Total Points: 5,461.69 Donate	I heard back from my mom about it.... he told her so she could tell me.... that he was sorry and didn't realize I felt that way --- like i was being abused, and hurt, and all. Because it seemed like it didn't phaze me... And that he read the letter, but couldn't write anything back... because he couldn't bring himself to. and so he told her a few things to tell me... then my mom's like "see it's like me and --- her bf --- we didn't know either, because their were moments when you guys would play around and stuff...as we could see and he'd hit you... and you'd take off or he would take off and you would go too.... so i told her... but i laughed and pretended it was okay.. and he'd joke around around you guys... but you still aren't getting the point behind it all... when we weren't around everyone else. She's like "well, i guess not... explain it to me" I told her "I have told you... and if you don't understand still...then its not my problem anymore. I am trying to move on. I don't want to let it control me. It took me long enough to get out... so I am done with it.. I'm not goign through this anymore." So she finally said then "well, maybe one day you guys will see eachother or something and sit down and talk about all of it.... he'd probably like to do that... he is sorry...." before i hung up i told her "no i don't think we will. i have made it clear i odn't want to see him or hear of him again... and i am done with it. i am trying to move on. ok." and it was done and said. is he really sorry? should i talk? i have stuck in the rut again.

09-25-2005, 04:10 PM	Dealing with feelings after an abusive ex Post #19
LurkerOfShadows seulement le nécessaire Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Anywhere but Home Age: 24 Posts: 327 Points: 5,233.88 Bank: 227.80 Total Points: 5,461.69 Donate	I decided to make a site... a poetry site... and its all in folders. Maybe this would help? I'm not sure... He asked my mom about me.... why can't he just leave... I want to leave .... go away from this forever. He decided to definately not write me. He said that he wouldn't know what to say. Screw you! I don't care anymore.... Okay maybe I do.... ugghhh. TaintedSoul *sry I didn't now where to put this... I guess this wasn't the right place considering its not somewhere to post your feelings... I just need guidance, and I don't know where to go.... -Christy

09-26-2005, 11:53 AM	Dealing with feelings after an abusive ex Post #20
Jane Old School Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Baltimore, MD Age: 25 Posts: 5,081 Points: 500.00 Bank: 0.01 Total Points: 500.01 Donate	My personal opinion on this is that if your mom knows about what you went through with your ex, and she's continuing to see your ex's dad. That is just so upsetting and frightening to me. As your mother - any mother - I believe that kind of situation is grounds for calling off a relationship. I am shocked that she's still seeing this man, that defends his son, after all that has happened to you. How does she not realize the pain that she's causing you? Why is she forcing this upon you? That's incredibly wrong of her. If she continues on with the relationship, you'll always be tied to your ex, and that's not fair for you. Perhaps you should write her a letter stating that. It's hard for you... tell her you don't feel comfortable with her being in that relationship. I'm sorry, I'm not giving good advice right now... but I'm just so angry that she's still in the relationship... how selfish. She needs to think more about you and not herself; I'm so disgusted. End.

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Dealing with feelings after an abusive ex

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Dealing with feelings after an abusive ex