Originally Posted by LurkerOfShadows

I don't know how to just come out and say this... it's really hard. But I dunno what else to do. A lot of my thoughts are jumbled up right now... so bare with me please.

I was dating, who is now my ex., for 3 1/2 years. As I explained in the topic of being bullied, I was abused most of those years. Hit, punched, pushed, held down, pulled by the hair, and verbally degraded. He told me I'd never make it anywhere, I'm a bitch, and a liar. Ugly, overweight... I had no talent...I felt like I had no way out. I was stupid, and I didn't know where to turn. I spent most of my years with him persuading people in my family and people at school that everything was okay. That nothing was wrong. I wore long sleeve shirts and jeans or a long skirt or something, to hide what he had done. My mom and my dad had grown concerned and started to thing that I was cutting myself. When I was really just hiding the bruises and scratches and scars from him. I soon began to think like he told me I really was. Then one night, we were watching a movie, and we started to make out... but when things almost got out of hand, I tried to push away. He tried to get me to keep going and to go into another room, he kept pushing and pushing, when I finally got through to him that it was no, I was close to being raped, but he stood up and pushed me into the couch, slapped me and told me "fine" and stormed off to his bed room.... I was shattered, and broken... I have no idea what the truth is... I have absolutely no idea what the truth is

Not even about 4 months ago I finally got out, after seeing a topic on Ch. 1 news at school, I went out in the hallway because I didn't want to watch it. My teacher came out and saw me crying and for once I spilled everything, because I didn't know what else to do anymore. It was tearing me apart inside and out, and I could think, sleep, breathe, or eat for periods of time...... My life had been shattered.

But 4 months after I left him, and I talked to the conselor at my school, she talked to my parents. But when my mom confronted my ex's dad about it, he talked to his son, but he denied everything, the physical and verbal abuse for 3 1/2 years and the other night.... everytime his dad brings it up.. he denies it.

My mom is now dating his dad, (they live in a dif. state). On monday, she promised his son (my ex) that she'd come watch his swim meet. And we tried and tried and tried to get someone to let me stay with them, but no one was that kind about it... so I told my mom, to be nice, and help you out, I'll go, we are only staying for 1 day and I don't have to see him. The truth was, I didn't want to go... I never wanted to see his face... I never want to hear his name said ever again.... I did see him.... I walked right by him... and he never looked at me... and didn't say a word. I went to the park down there and stayed there, trying to write in my journal, but I couldn't... I as I wrote, my hands started to shake really bad, and I cried..... When it was time to go to the meet, I walked down there with my mom. But I tried to stay as far away as I could from where ever he was. We sat down... and he came by talking to my mom ... a couple dif. times when we were standing around and sitting in the chairs.... but he ignored me... didn't look at me... didn't talk to me.... and he talked about his girlfriend in front of me. And mom apparently doesn't get this. All she has been asking me about it she sex thing. It's not that that has bothered me so much..... she thinks that it is. I even wrote her a letter, and read it to her, but she can't seem to process through her head what he did. Supposedly it was "joking around" But it was, when he was around family or friends, but when I was on my own with him, it was different..... he played a game with me .... and I got sucked into it...... How do I get her to actually understand... because I can't get the words to come out of my mouth, I can't get myself to say what all he did to me....

I never want to talk to him again... I have no more words. Well, actually I do.... but nothing so feminine.... just rude, and vulgar... he has ruined me....

It has been 4 months, but I can't stop... I can't stop thinking....I don't know where to go from here. And I can't talk to anyone... They haven't seem to get what I am really saying. It's like I'm speaking but no one can here me...

Please I don't know what to do... I need all the advice I can get.

Christy