LurkerOfShadows

I don't know how to just come out and say this... it's really hard. But I dunno what else to do. A lot of my thoughts are jumbled up right now... so bare with me please.

I was dating, who is now my ex., for 3 1/2 years. As I explained in the topic of being bullied, I was abused most of those years. Hit, punched, pushed, held down, pulled by the hair, and verbally degraded. He told me I'd never make it anywhere, I'm a bitch, and a liar. Ugly, overweight... I had no talent...I felt like I had no way out. I was stupid, and I didn't know where to turn. I spent most of my years with him persuading people in my family and people at school that everything was okay. That nothing was wrong. I wore long sleeve shirts and jeans or a long skirt or something, to hide what he had done. My mom and my dad had grown concerned and started to thing that I was cutting myself. When I was really just hiding the bruises and scratches and scars from him. I soon began to think like he told me I really was. Then one night, we were watching a movie, and we started to make out... but when things almost got out of hand, I tried to push away. He tried to get me to keep going and to go into another room, he kept pushing and pushing, when I finally got through to him that it was no, I was close to being raped, but he stood up and pushed me into the couch, slapped me and told me "fine" and stormed off to his bed room.... I was shattered, and broken... I have no idea what the truth is... I have absolutely no idea what the truth is

Not even about 4 months ago I finally got out, after seeing a topic on Ch. 1 news at school, I went out in the hallway because I didn't want to watch it. My teacher came out and saw me crying and for once I spilled everything, because I didn't know what else to do anymore. It was tearing me apart inside and out, and I could think, sleep, breathe, or eat for periods of time...... My life had been shattered.

But 4 months after I left him, and I talked to the conselor at my school, she talked to my parents. But when my mom confronted my ex's dad about it, he talked to his son, but he denied everything, the physical and verbal abuse for 3 1/2 years and the other night.... everytime his dad brings it up.. he denies it.

My mom is now dating his dad, (they live in a dif. state). On monday, she promised his son (my ex) that she'd come watch his swim meet. And we tried and tried and tried to get someone to let me stay with them, but no one was that kind about it... so I told my mom, to be nice, and help you out, I'll go, we are only staying for 1 day and I don't have to see him. The truth was, I didn't want to go... I never wanted to see his face... I never want to hear his name said ever again.... I did see him.... I walked right by him... and he never looked at me... and didn't say a word. I went to the park down there and stayed there, trying to write in my journal, but I couldn't... I as I wrote, my hands started to shake really bad, and I cried..... When it was time to go to the meet, I walked down there with my mom. But I tried to stay as far away as I could from where ever he was. We sat down... and he came by talking to my mom ... a couple dif. times when we were standing around and sitting in the chairs.... but he ignored me... didn't look at me... didn't talk to me.... and he talked about his girlfriend in front of me. And mom apparently doesn't get this. All she has been asking me about it she sex thing. It's not that that has bothered me so much..... she thinks that it is. I even wrote her a letter, and read it to her, but she can't seem to process through her head what he did. Supposedly it was "joking around" But it was, when he was around family or friends, but when I was on my own with him, it was different..... he played a game with me .... and I got sucked into it...... How do I get her to actually understand... because I can't get the words to come out of my mouth, I can't get myself to say what all he did to me....

I never want to talk to him again... I have no more words. Well, actually I do.... but nothing so feminine.... just rude, and vulgar... he has ruined me....

It has been 4 months, but I can't stop... I can't stop thinking....I don't know where to go from here. And I can't talk to anyone... They haven't seem to get what I am really saying. It's like I'm speaking but no one can here me...

Please I don't know what to do... I need all the advice I can get.

Christy

avacallahan

Christy,

No one deserves to go through what you went through. No one should treat you like that. Not ever. I think it's extremely unfair how your mother is not standing by you on this. It's clear that you can not handle having anything to do with your ex, nor should you have to. I think it's important that you fully deal with the emotional aftermath of the abuse, counselling would probably be the best way to deal with it.

Perhaps you need to have someone speak to your mother on your behalf. Bu I think that your main focus should be on healing yourself, so that if you do have to see you ex again, you will be able to handle it. You have not been 'ruined" by him, but you do need some time to heal and piece your life back together. Most of all, you need support from those around you. Especially those who can empathise with you. Perhaps a support group for abuse survivors would be a good avenue for you, only if it is online.

Please feel free to PM me, if you would like to talk about this. I'm more than willing to listen.

Take gentle care of yourself

Ava

LurkerOfShadows

Thank you ava. It would be great to talk to you. I have tried talking to someone, but it has all ended up the same. I can't talk to people, it's i dunno.... but, When I did talk to the one conselor at my school, she talked to my parents. My dad and stepmom has talked to her, my teacher has talked to her. Nothing.

I was going to find a conselor, but we had trouble finding one with our insurance, my dad asked me a couple months later if I thought I still needed to go, because if not, there is no point to trying to find one and waste the money. So I told him no. But because it keeps coming up, I am afaid to go back and say yes. Because my stepmom has talked to me, but doesn't see why I am so broken over it for so long. She was abused when she was a child, and my stepsister was abused by an ex, and it was apparently worse... or something. I wanted to just say to her... I dont care how much worse it was, or how fast you moved on.... abuse is abuse. And I don't know why it's taking me soooo long, but I need to deal with it. But I knew if I would it would make everyone made, because I have a sort of, this is this attitude about something when I say it.

The only people in my family who know about this is my parents and stepmom. We really didn't want to tell our family.... they don't know him anyway and don't even know that I dated him.... I tried talking with someone else who I knew had dealt with this before..... but whenever you go to her with anything, everything is 20 times worse for her. That doesn't help me, she's not hearing what I am saying, She just wanted to say how everything was worse for her.

I have to admit. I am doing a little better than before. I know that he can't control me... and that I wasn't the problem. It just killed me that he was being so coldhearted. But I know that it has made me a stronger person, like the bullying thing.

I am taking my time, on my own to piece myself together. I know I can do this on my own. So I try everyday to tell myself something positive about me, and something I like. And then, one thing I don't, but say that I am okay with it. And I tell myself that when ever I think of what happen, I tell myself, I know it was wrong, and that it tore me apart, but I will be okay... if he has made me anything... it's a stronger person, and a survivor.

I am trying to piece myself back together on my own. And I'm doing okay.... because I really don't want to have to explain and explain and explain, and go through all that again. I know what happened. And that's that. I don't care if anyone else believes me or not.

I AM STRONGER... and A SURVIVOR

I have to go forward and never look back.... never look back...never look back

avacallahan

Christy,

I can't remember if you said how old you are, but if you are a minor and you report ongoing abuse to a counsellor they are mandated to report it to the police. I can't think of why the counsellor should have told your parents. The counsellor should have gone through the proper channels and perhaps referred you to a service for abused young women.

It's never too late to seek counselling. Don't be afraid to go and ask your father that you would still like to see a counsellor. Finding a good counsellor can be very hard. I was in a relationship with a right prick and it took me three years before I even began to deal with the issues, or seek counselling. It's never to late. The important thing to remember is that counselling is your process. Don't let the counsellor push you into anything that you are not ready to discuss. Just take your time and wait until you think you've found a counsellor you can trust. Also you may need to consider that counselling may not be for you. You might wish to seek out the services of a psychologist.

Like I said, if you want to talk to me off the board, you are most welcome. I've sent you a PM so if you want to contact me, you can do so.

Take care,

Ava

LurkerOfShadows

I haven't been so sure either was right for me... I don't know. I have no idea why it's so hard to talk to people face to face or something... I had to let my step mom read an entry because I couldn't come out with the words.... it was too hard.

I am 16.... Yeah, someone is supposed to report it... but it was after the fact. When I spilled it in the hallway to my teacher... and I talked to the consellor at school, it was after the abuse had happend.... everything had healed except my insides..... so there was nothing anyone can do... even the police. No one going through that could have it reported.... especially if the only evidence I have is the couple journal entries I have..... So, that is why it hasn't been reported. The police would tell us the same thing.

RavynJayne

I can relate. I speak better through writing than I do with verbal communication. I agree, you don't deserve being treated like that, no one does, and your ex has a lot of nerve to think he has the right to treat you that way. He knows what he did is wrong but based by his actions, he's not man enough to step up to the plate and take responsibility for what he's done. All that matters now is you've become stronger through this.

I had a good friend I used to hang out with. He was wanting to progress the friendship between me and him to a higher level. At the time, I was seeing someone else, who is now my ex. My former friend asked me when we could start dating. I told him it wasn't likely to happen. He responded with "sure it can" all said with a wink. I explained why and he retorted by slamming me with everything he could think of. Calling me an ugly ass bitch, I wasn't going to get anywhere in life, etc. I saw him at the store a couple weeks later and didn't say a word to him. He brought it to my attention, told me to quit being an asshole and to just be nice. Basically, he denied everything happened and expected everything to be fine between him and myself.

You made a move to keep yourself from getting raped. I couldn't have done the same thing and I admire you for your courage.

SoundOfSilence

hey christy

i am very sorry for what happened. you dont deserve it. i know it is hard but you have to go on. there are always some days where you stuck in the past and feel sick but life works that way. sometimes you think life is unfair and very hard and maybe you're right but you have to be optimistic.

*hugs*

nadine

LurkerOfShadows

Thanks. I have had a rough weekend.. but really tried to keep my mind off of everything. Not easy, but sometimes. I didn't really know what to do... I was close... so close to being raped. That thought crossed my mind.... but then I shook it out, like he wouldn't do that. But he got closer and closer to the idea... and if I wouldn't have stopped that second... he would have that very second. It scared the hell out of me.... It really did.

I have tried a lot of other things, but everywhere i turn i think of him. I think of the romantic and great days and great memories how sweet he was. Then those memories are flooded by all of the truth. I wasn't able to talk to my mom last time she asked about it.... when i tried, I broke down... but just yesterday I wrote what i wanted to say. If I write it maybe I'll be able to say it... then I will say exactly what I want and don't have to get all confused or messed up and upset about it. I don't know when I'm going to tell her EVERYTHING, but sometime soon I hope. Maybe that is what will finally break all these chains. If she understood all of it. She has a great relationship with all of them... so she see's them one way. It probably doesn't make any sense to her... But all I can do is try. I may fall, but I have many times before... I guess I'm used to that. Being jaded breathing all alone kind of thing.

Thank you everyone for the support. I appreciated it. I know people think that it's something that you can get over fast, but this has been a long, hard slow process. And being 16 with everything else i've been through and this...makes it that much harder. So thank you for being understanding and letting me rant and sort through this in my own time...

Christy

LurkerOfShadows

I just thought you all should know that part of the problem as been solved. My mom found a letter I wrote and was going to leave for my 'ex' and his dad to see. I didn't leave it, but never threw it away... She found it... and read it and read it to his dad. His dad talked to him about it... but hasn't let him read it yet.

My mom said that "they never knew... if only I would have told them... that they never saw the signs..." She said though that she remembers when I stopped talking about him and how I "liked" him and stuff.... which was the peak of it all too..... if my long sleeves and jeans and lack of talking (well, lack of talking more than I normally do) isn't a sign that something is wrong.... then what is? Why did they start assuming things instead of trying something? She thinks that we should get together... and talk about it all... since she and his dad know now and everything... but I told her I have nothing to say to him... and I feel I shouldn't have to... and I never want to see him or hear of him again... I don't care if my mom is dating his dad... and they are "in eachother's lives" End of that...

But she does know the whole story now... so partially it's solved. now I need to do what I have to do... which i guess is harder than i thought. and it makes it no easier that no one believed me at first and he denies everything I have said.... But I thank ava and everyone else on here.. You have been the "arms outstretched-- open embrace upon a bleeding tree" salvation I needed. Thank you all for helping me... I am really greatful and through this slow... tedious... extremely tough process... I hope I can count on coming back here to always talk to you guys. You are great.... thank you

trigun7469

Abuse is never right, whether verbal or physical. What pops in my mind is about your mother dating your ex's father. The apple doesn't fall to far from the tree so I am thinking to myself why wouldn't your mother date him not only the fact that you where abused by his son but the fact that the father could be abusive aas well. I don't know either of those guys but its disgust me to hear about males not men treating females like that. I'm glad you finding some amount of clouser on the situation. I don't think you are ruined which you mentioned above, because you obviously where able to leave the situation, which in so many cases does not happen. Its a hard lesson learned and I hope you don't feel alienated by one guy, and I wish you luck. Seems like you are taking this very well I give your props for that.