Ellen's Poetry - Page 5 - EvBoard

Ellen · 09-02-2006, 11:05 AM

Kathy: Thanks!

NEW POEM! Now don't make fun of me, I stayed up really late last night writing this and it's not rhyming or even very good free verse...but I still like it. It's not about anyone in particular, I just felt it. I dunno, I'm weird. Comments/Criticism please! =)

"Portals To The Soul" by Ellen

Your eyes are dark
But when the light
Reflects in them
They brighten up
Each sparkle shining
Like in those old cartoons
Like stars in the night sky
I always notice your eyes
Beautiful yet so dim
I like how they smile
Always at me
All twinkling
But still oh so sad
I can't fathom why
Your hidden tears
They are such
A mystery to me
Your eyes glitter
When you grin wide
Bearing all your teeth
For once
It is intentional
Not an accident
Because you're laughing
Little lights dance
Constantly everywhere
"Swirling shades of blue
Slow-dancing in your eyes"
I like that quote
The song, too
I like the flecks
Bits of turquoise
The ones in your eyes
Deep inky shades of teal
They give you more
Of your character
Perfect imperfections
That's what they are
Pssh, like imperfection
Is possible with you
Do you know
That when you laugh
You squint a little?
It's wonderful
Because even if
You won't tell me
I know you're happy
And that makes me happy
And I love it
And I love you

I hope you liked it! Oh yes, the quote is from "There-For-You" by Flyleaf.

Ellen · 09-05-2006, 08:13 PM

*waits*

...

*cricket*

...

flyleaf_fan · 09-07-2006, 07:58 PM

Reaaallly hard to find crit with some of these, but...here I go.

I am- Great imagery, great metaphors, love the way you don't come outright with the message. Awesomeness. Although if I had to say one thing, it might be word choice. However, I don't think there's musch you need to change.

Portals To The Soul- Once again, great desccriptiveness. However, some of the phrases are a little choppy, although besides that, not much. Yoy take ajn old idea and make it yours.

...awesomeness.

Ellen · 09-07-2006, 09:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by flyleaf_fan

Reaaallly hard to find crit with some of these, but...here I go.

I am- Great imagery, great metaphors, love the way you don't come outright with the message. Awesomeness. Although if I had to say one thing, it might be word choice. However, I don't think there's musch you need to change.

Portals To The Soul- Once again, great desccriptiveness. However, some of the phrases are a little choppy, although besides that, not much. Yoy take ajn old idea and make it yours.

...awesomeness.

Thanks! Yes, I wrote I Am when I was 11 or 12...so the vocabulary definitely isn't as broad. Portals To The Soul was sort of meant to be choppy, like the person was struggling with their point of view. I dunno, thank you sooo much for the comments. Did you read "Hidden" (first post), by any chance? I'm wondering if I could work on anything there.

Ellen · 09-16-2006, 07:58 PM

So, I'm thinking about posting another poem, but I'll wait til I have more replies for Portals To The Soul.

Return To Chaos · 09-16-2006, 10:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ellen

"Portals To The Soul" by Ellen

Your eyes are dark
But when the light
Reflects in them
They brighten up
Each sparkle shining
Like in those old cartoons
Like stars in the night sky
I always notice your eyes
Beautiful yet so dim
I like how they smile
Always at me
All twinkling
But still oh so sad
I can't fathom why
Your hidden tears
They are such
A mystery to me
Your eyes glitter
When you grin wide
Bearing all your teeth
For once
It is intentional
Not an accident
Because you're laughing
Little lights dance
Constantly everywhere
"Swirling shades of blue
Slow-dancing in your eyes"
I like that quote
The song, too
I like the flecks
Bits of turquoise
The ones in your eyes
Deep inky shades of teal
They give you more
Of your character
Perfect imperfections
That's what they are
Pssh, like imperfection
Is possible with you
Do you know
That when you laugh
You squint a little?
It's wonderful
Because even if
You won't tell me
I know you're happy
And that makes me happy
And I love it
And I love you

I hope you liked it! Oh yes, the quote is from "There-For-You" by Flyleaf.

I like it! Very descriptive. And I like that quote too. I've never heard anything by Flyleaf before, but the quote is cool. Good job on the piece!

Oh, and my name is Nicole. But you can still call me by my username if you want.

Ellen · 09-17-2006, 02:15 PM

Thank you, Nicole! Flyleaf is great, you should check them out.

.brok3n.dreams. · 09-18-2006, 04:45 PM

I loved this part of the first poem:

I watch clouds drift by
At a pace so haunting
"If only I could fly,"
Is my wish so daunting
Lonely and forgotten
Bound by crisp, winter air
Wooden beams so rotten
Keep me captive in your lair
Dreaming of things
Intangible and forbidden
"If only I had wings,"
Maybe they're just hidden...

its just so beautifully written.
I also thought "I Am" was really good.

Ellen · 09-25-2006, 08:18 PM

Thank you! My thread's kinda dying...

Bloo Freak · 09-29-2006, 12:51 PM

These poems are really good, I can't wait to read more.

09-02-2006, 11:05 AM	#41 (permalink)
Ellen Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: At the computer =) Age: 16 Posts: 372 Points: 223.60 Bank: 2,103.84 Total Points: 2,327.44 Donate	Kathy: Thanks! NEW POEM! Now don't make fun of me, I stayed up really late last night writing this and it's not rhyming or even very good free verse...but I still like it. It's not about anyone in particular, I just felt it. I dunno, I'm weird. Comments/Criticism please! =) "Portals To The Soul" by Ellen Your eyes are dark But when the light Reflects in them They brighten up Each sparkle shining Like in those old cartoons Like stars in the night sky I always notice your eyes Beautiful yet so dim I like how they smile Always at me All twinkling But still oh so sad I can't fathom why Your hidden tears They are such A mystery to me Your eyes glitter When you grin wide Bearing all your teeth For once It is intentional Not an accident Because you're laughing Little lights dance Constantly everywhere "Swirling shades of blue Slow-dancing in your eyes" I like that quote The song, too I like the flecks Bits of turquoise The ones in your eyes Deep inky shades of teal They give you more Of your character Perfect imperfections That's what they are Pssh, like imperfection Is possible with you Do you know That when you laugh You squint a little? It's wonderful Because even if You won't tell me I know you're happy And that makes me happy And I love it And I love you I hope you liked it! Oh yes, the quote is from "There-For-You" by Flyleaf. __________________ "You are who you are and there's no one like you. To try to be someone else is just a lie." -Amy Lee

09-05-2006, 08:13 PM	#42 (permalink)
Ellen Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: At the computer =) Age: 16 Posts: 372 Points: 223.60 Bank: 2,103.84 Total Points: 2,327.44 Donate	waits ... cricket ... __________________ "You are who you are and there's no one like you. To try to be someone else is just a lie." -Amy Lee

09-16-2006, 07:58 PM	#45 (permalink)
Ellen Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: At the computer =) Age: 16 Posts: 372 Points: 223.60 Bank: 2,103.84 Total Points: 2,327.44 Donate	So, I'm thinking about posting another poem, but I'll wait til I have more replies for Portals To The Soul. __________________ "You are who you are and there's no one like you. To try to be someone else is just a lie." -Amy Lee

09-17-2006, 02:15 PM	#47 (permalink)
Ellen Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: At the computer =) Age: 16 Posts: 372 Points: 223.60 Bank: 2,103.84 Total Points: 2,327.44 Donate	Thank you, Nicole! Flyleaf is great, you should check them out. __________________ "You are who you are and there's no one like you. To try to be someone else is just a lie." -Amy Lee

09-25-2006, 08:18 PM	#49 (permalink)
Ellen Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: At the computer =) Age: 16 Posts: 372 Points: 223.60 Bank: 2,103.84 Total Points: 2,327.44 Donate	Thank you! My thread's kinda dying... __________________ "You are who you are and there's no one like you. To try to be someone else is just a lie." -Amy Lee

09-07-2006, 07:58 PM	#43 (permalink)
flyleaf_fan Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: My computer desk... Posts: 108 Points: 1,015.96 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 1,015.96 Donate	Reaaallly hard to find crit with some of these, but...here I go. I am- Great imagery, great metaphors, love the way you don't come outright with the message. Awesomeness. Although if I had to say one thing, it might be word choice. However, I don't think there's musch you need to change. Portals To The Soul- Once again, great desccriptiveness. However, some of the phrases are a little choppy, although besides that, not much. Yoy take ajn old idea and make it yours. ...awesomeness.

09-18-2006, 04:45 PM	#48 (permalink)
.brok3n.dreams. Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: In the dreams of those who are broken Posts: 38 Points: 481.62 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 481.62 Donate	I loved this part of the first poem: I watch clouds drift by At a pace so haunting "If only I could fly," Is my wish so daunting Lonely and forgotten Bound by crisp, winter air Wooden beams so rotten Keep me captive in your lair Dreaming of things Intangible and forbidden "If only I had wings," Maybe they're just hidden... its just so beautifully written. I also thought "I Am" was really good.

09-29-2006, 12:51 PM	#50 (permalink)
Bloo Freak n00blet Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 10 Points: 167.39 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 167.39 Donate	These poems are really good, I can't wait to read more.

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