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hadapurpura · 05-08-2006, 06:15 PM

I am already posting my stuff, what remains of the sweet love story gone sick I planned one day. I guess you don't need to say literally the word "birth", so...

Violette · 05-10-2006, 08:25 AM

Just posted my poem. Although it's not exactly about birth... more like a 'rebirth,' I guess. Does that count? It just so happened to be the vision I had for it, that's all.

Shivercide · 05-10-2006, 12:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Violette

Just posted my poem. Although it's not exactly about birth... more like a 'rebirth,' I guess. Does that count? It just so happened to be the vision I had for it, that's all.

I'd like to reiterate...it can be anything that you think of, anything that you are inspired to write. So yes, it counts. :)

And it's a wonderful poem, so full of honest emotion. I've always loved how your words never fail to flow together so smoothly, and this is no exception.

Vallarri · 05-10-2006, 08:16 PM

Okay, here's what I think of everyone's contributions!

P.S. Sorry the post is so long. It took me a while to be able to get here and I wanted to say something about everyone's writing, since you all did such an amazing job!

Edit: To make my post more easy to navigate, here's a list of what color I used to comment on who's post:

Darko
etherealme
FelicityS
Nameless
2live2breathe
Floating_Lily
Svetlana-S.V.D.
myimmortalenemy
Carmen
hadapurpura
Violette

Great job everyone! You all have very unique and talented imaginations. I can't wait to see more!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Darko

Tubes. Lots of tubes. Tubes coming out of the wall. Tubes coming out of me. Out of my stomach, out of my wrists, out of my head. Thick tubes leading to my abdomen. Thin tubes coming out of my chest.
Is that my heart beating? I don’t know… I don’t… Remember?
“Insemination beginning” came a strange voice I had never heard before. I feel the tubes around me pumping me with liquids. My eyes won’t shut, they’re just staring, staring at all the tubes.
The sensation is ending. I hear beeps as I drift in and out of conscious. I feel as if I’m floating, carried upon an endless stream of water. And then I feel myself letting it slip. I’m falling unconscious.

I enjoy your change in point of view, but this is my favorite part. I think you did a great job here describing what Catherine was experiencing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Darko

“Why don’t you just answer the question?” Snapped the irate interviewer.

I love your use of the word irate here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Darko

The man spat furious indignation “How dare you! The police are doing all they can to find this evil group of individuals. To even suggest that the government has anything to do with it is… is...”

Great idea to consider conspiracy within the government.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Darko

“Breaking news; world leaders of the world are arrested as the truth behind the new vivisection regulations is uncovered. Thousands of women found in so called “baby farms. The nightmare years are over.”

Well ended.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by etherealme

"LALALALALA, I'm a little bitty baby splashing in the water". *kick*
*punch*.
Wait just a minute what's with the this contraction crap?

I like the way the baby's attention span seems about the same as that of a rock.

Quote:

Originally Posted by etherealme

Oh, oh I got myself turned into a little knot too. I can't kick so well anymore.This is getting less fun by the minute.

Hehe, poor baby can't beat up her mom anymore.

Quote:

Originally Posted by etherealme

Oh my Gosh! Looks like moving day got here sooner than I thought it would.

That's funny!

Quote:

Originally Posted by etherealme

."This is nice". I know that voice .It sang to me and talked to me while I was in there. I am so tired and hungry, but your arms feel safe. You're going to take care of me forever aren't you.

A very sweet ending!

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Quote:

Originally Posted by FelicityS

The shadows disperse in my hand
The foundations of yesterday fade away
I crawl to my feet and stand
The seams of completion fray

I love the imagery here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by FelicityS

Golden clouds swirl on the horizon
I’ve felt death times a thousand
This is the first time hope was breathed unto me
And I was able to touch all that could be

I also love the imagery here and the rhyme scheme. This is a pretty poem so far.

Quote:

Originally Posted by FelicityS

Darling you are my origin
And will forever be the reason
For my changing seasons
My ignorance birthed our freedom

I especially liked the ending. My ignorance birthed our freedom is a beautiful line. Well done!

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Nameless

Teardrops forming;
Teardrops falling;
Teardrops are the essence of this life now.

I like the evolution you present here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nameless

Naked and oblivious,
I find myself pulled into another world.

Great description. I love your use of the word oblivious.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nameless

And shrieking out a thousand words,
In a thousand unformed languages.

I like the idea that an unborn child could be the basis of a "thousand unformed languages". Great imagery, too. I can see the shrieking in my mind.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nameless

Pleasure and pain;
Rhyme and reason…

Was there ever sufficient reason?

Questions are great in poems. I love a poem that makes me wonder. This is one of my favorite parts.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nameless

Attempting to crawl;
Attempting to stand,
And learning to fall.

The rhyme adds so much more to the point. This is also another of my favorite lines. It's so true about life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nameless

Fearlessly,
I step into my new world.

Courage in the face of the unkown. Very admirable!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nameless

Step by step,
Unsteady feet bring me closer to my end.

Or perhaps it is only the beginning…

Wonderful ending and very well written poem!

----------------------------------------------------------------

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2live2breathe

You used to keep me locked up in your words.
I was tormented by your touch,
and I feared the feel of your breath..
warm on my neck.

Beautiful imagery here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2live2breathe

Tears were no longer helpful-
the night no longer a comfort.
All that kept me going,
were the words of the judge...
''two years''.
Two slow passing years.
So much had happened.
So much was to happen.

I like the way you are leading into the story by keeping the reader guessing. Obviously so much has happened that the reader doesn't yet know about.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2live2breathe

Finally, I was out.
As I walked through the gates,
no longer restrained..
I realised.
A different girl is walking out
than the one who walked in two years before

There is a great deal of emotion within this part of the poem. Realization is always dramatic.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2live2breathe

I was reborn.

I like the way you simply made the statement.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2live2breathe

But I knew you were still behind bars.
And unlike me,
you were not going to be reborn.
You were slowly dying.

A very sad ending but a beautiful poem.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Quote:

Originally Posted by Floating_Lily

If almost like a nightmare, a screaming wind shook the trees, whipping our faces and hitting the ashes of the unowned fire. The dark scorching pieces of element were cradled in the rush. We ducked behind the prtective trees, but still kept watch on the scene infront of our dinner plate eyes. The small tornado of ashes in the clearing smoldered and rekindled. the wind whipped and whistled the flames, almost half-dancing with them, but never putting them out.

Gorgeous imagery. This is a very beautiful beginning.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Floating_Lily

Sorcha backed away from her tree slightly, in fear it might catch fire. But even the leaves, that shot with the wind, diving in and through the hungry red flames, stayed green and crisp. I stood bended behind the oak, my back aching from the great weight in my bag, Ik new it was coming on midnight. But I couldn't leave to find my way back, I was transfixed.

You draw the reader in very effectively here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Floating_Lily

But even the leaves, that shot with the wind, diving in and through the hungry red flames, stayed green and crisp.

This is my favorite line in the story.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Floating_Lily

Well at least I thought it was fire, but it wasn't just that. A small animal peaked at us fearfully from it's bed of ashes through the dark air, it's skin pink with an orange tint. It screeched and screamed, obviously afraid of this huge nightly woods. I held my breath, unable to believe what I saw. For I saw the birth of something mythical. The pheonix.

Beautiful ending. Well done!

--------------------------------------------------------------

Quote:

Originally Posted by Svetlana-S.V.D.

It was not even a morning but false dawn indeed...

I like this line.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Svetlana-S.V.D.

There was Dawn crawling out from the bed!

Something comforting coming from under the bed is a very unique thought. I like it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Svetlana-S.V.D.

He opened his eyes, they were pure like dew
He tilted his head and there’s an azure lock... or a few...

The imagery here is very pretty.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Svetlana-S.V.D.

And all birds became silent...
The wind had died down...
Here was standing spellbound Dawn
He was hearkening to mystery sound....

Great way to lead to a climax.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Svetlana-S.V.D.

The Life was born in the April’s false dawn!

Beautiful ending. Well done!

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Quote:

Originally Posted by myimmortalenemy

Young one,
Come to us and see
All the flowing wonders
Growing in this tree

I'm already in love with this poem.

Quote:

Originally Posted by myimmortalenemy

Naïve one,
Touch our leaves
Unfurl the wrinkles
And feel us breathe

The imagery in this is magnificent!

Quote:

Originally Posted by myimmortalenemy

Bitter one,
Try our kindness
Dry your tongue outside
And taste our sweet kisses

I love the format of each piece of the poem.

Quote:

Originally Posted by myimmortalenemy

Eager one,
Hearken to our sayings
Through silent summer breeze
You'll hear the patient sighing

Silent summer breeze is a very beautiful image.

Quote:

Originally Posted by myimmortalenemy

First one,
Open your hand to us
Take this faint scent
That vents something delicious

Again, amazing imagery. I can see everything.

Quote:

Originally Posted by myimmortalenemy

Lonely one,
Slide your fingers into the dirt
Give us your care, give us your life
And witness the beauty of birth

A wonderful ending. This is definately one of my favorites!

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Quote:

Originally Posted by Carmen

To reach and cry for mortality,
To reach and cry for more,
To touch the skin that surrounded me,
To touch what once had near me,

To reach and cry for mortality is a beautiful beginning.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Carmen

To want the hunger gone,
To remember the damage within me,
To breath in from another one,
To take your breath and make it mine

This is great imagery.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Carmen

Hiding, crying, abandoned
Nothing left to see,
No fear, just pain and loss
A death written before me

Your ending is my favorite part. Beautiful!

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Quote:

Originally Posted by hadapurpura

Why are you crying?
Do you think you're all alone?
You saw me dying
So now am I already gone?

This already reminds me of Even in Death. Great beginning.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hadapurpura

This world seems so huge
When you're looking at it from here
Now I see it's true
The universe is infinite

Great imagery. I can see an infinite universe in my mind.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hadapurpura

I turned back time
I'm a newborn again
To make you mine

Now it reminds me of the movie Birth. Reincarnation is an interesting idea.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hadapurpura

What will I do with you,
What will you do with me
Whenever you realize
This, your girl, is still me?

I can feel the desperation in the last line.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hadapurpura

Will I ever forget
All what happened before?
We better take the chance
and not ask anymore.

Great ending. Sometimes it's better not to question.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Quote:

Originally Posted by Violette

I knew nothing
Except a world so cruel, strange, and unforgiving
I’d seen nothing
My life a black hole, a vague and interminable monotony
I felt nothing
Numb even to myself, to self-inflicted pain

I love the vocabulary and vivid word use.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Violette

Wriggled down my delicate cheek

Gorgeous imagery.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Violette

I watch the world in all its evil and grace

So true.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Violette

I wince with pain and melt with passion

Extremely vivid and very beautiful.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Violette

And I kneel with gratitude
For you awakened my ever-sleeping soul
And bestowed on me
My second chance

A wonderful ending and another one of my favorites.

2live2breathe · 05-10-2006, 10:23 PM

Vallarri, thankyou very much for the comments, you're lovely.

Just some advice for the people who say they have writers block. I was talking to an author about 2 years ago, he's published a few books and they are quite good. And he was saying how all these people say to him 'Oh i have writers block,it's so terrible !' and he said to them 'Well try getting off the computer and actually writing, not typing out your thoughts' .
So if you're trying to write by typing maybe try to get your words down on paper?
xx

P.S. To everyone that has posted ~ love your work. x

Ashlee · 05-11-2006, 12:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by myimmortalenemy

Young one,
Come to us and see
All the flowing wonders
Growing in this tree

Naïve one,
Touch our leaves
Unfurl the wrinkles
And feel us breathe

Bitter one,
Try our kindness
Dry your tongue outside
And taste our sweet kisses

Eager one,
Hearken to our sayings
Through silent summer breeze
You'll hear the patient sighing

First one,
Open your hand to us
Take this faint scent
That vents something delicious

Lonely one,
Slide your fingers into the dirt
Give us your care, give us your life
And witness the beauty of birth

Brilliant. Just Brilliant.

Beautiful imagery, I love the way you begin each stanza.

Nameless · 05-11-2006, 07:47 AM

OK - So in a drunken writing binge I re-read my original post on this topic and was inspired to edit and add to it. I find the piece much more fulfilling now, and I feel that I can actually call it a poem.

I deleted the original post, and reposted the new version. It's post # 13 and the title is:
Restoration \ Regeneration.

Let me know what you guys think...

Vallarri · 05-11-2006, 11:19 AM

Nameless:

I love your new post. The revision is excellent and the added rhyme scheme in the second part makes reading it flow very well. Great job!

Carmen · 05-13-2006, 04:08 AM

Thanks for your comments on my work Vallari. It's really good to know that people like what I do. Uplifting comments are so helpful when having writer's block.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hadapurpura

I turned back time
I'm a newborn again
To make you mine

That's beautiful. A newborn again to make you mine. I can imagine a whole story for that one line. I really like it

Ooo I was waiting for Violette to post in here!....

Quote:

Originally Posted by Violette

Numb even to myself, to self-inflicted pain

*Interesting memories you brought back there* I really like the feel you get from that line.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Violette

I watch the world in all its evil and grace

I love that line because it just reminds me of the good and the bad in life.

Nameless your writing is great, I'm so sorry if you have a thread somewhere and I just haven't seen it. I've been missing out! Your poem overall is lovely. I love the feeling it gives all the way through it.
I like this line the most:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nameless

Naked and oblivious,
I find myself pulled into another world.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shivercide

I've learned to pray (to prey)

I really like that. One word becoming 2 things. (can't remember the term for that) but I just love it when people use that in there writing.

05-10-2006, 08:25 AM	#62 (permalink)
Violette Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Away from EvBoard for a while... I'll be back at some point wink Age: 24 Posts: 800 Points: 1,033.21 Bank: 793.40 Total Points: 1,826.61 Donate	Just posted my poem. Although it's not exactly about birth... more like a 'rebirth,' I guess. Does that count? It just so happened to be the vision I had for it, that's all. __________________ Come join!

05-10-2006, 10:23 PM	#65 (permalink)
2live2breathe Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Australia Age: 18 Posts: 284 Points: 4,583.50 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 4,583.50 Donate	Vallarri, thankyou very much for the comments, you're lovely. Just some advice for the people who say they have writers block. I was talking to an author about 2 years ago, he's published a few books and they are quite good. And he was saying how all these people say to him 'Oh i have writers block,it's so terrible !' and he said to them 'Well try getting off the computer and actually writing, not typing out your thoughts' . So if you're trying to write by typing maybe try to get your words down on paper? xx P.S. To everyone that has posted ~ love your work. x __________________ www.myspace.com/lexiwonder YES. but not with you.

05-11-2006, 07:47 AM	#67 (permalink)
Nameless Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: ??? Age: 25 Posts: 216 Points: 4,504.32 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 4,504.32 Donate	OK - So in a drunken writing binge I re-read my original post on this topic and was inspired to edit and add to it. I find the piece much more fulfilling now, and I feel that I can actually call it a poem. I deleted the original post, and reposted the new version. It's post # 13 and the title is: Restoration \ Regeneration. Let me know what you guys think... __________________ Myspace - Sententious: Subtly Changing Licentious Poiesis - The Eyes of Calistori Share your poetry, music, and art at the Creative Underground

05-11-2006, 11:19 AM	#68 (permalink)
Vallarri Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: More cool than you can shake a stick at Posts: 158 Points: 81.77 Bank: 49.55 Total Points: 131.32 Donate	Nameless: I love your new post. The revision is excellent and the added rhyme scheme in the second part makes reading it flow very well. Great job! __________________ Go ahead and make my day...

05-08-2006, 06:15 PM	#61 (permalink)
hadapurpura Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Age: 21 Posts: 336 Points: 1,518.21 Bank: 1,486.04 Total Points: 3,004.25 Donate	I am already posting my stuff, what remains of the sweet love story gone sick I planned one day. I guess you don't need to say literally the word "birth", so...