Self condemnation

It's easy to blame the past for faults
that are my own. Deep inside the vaults
Of my consciousness I have found what
I can vouch for as corrupt. The tears
Which held me back when I was staring
Down the barrel of a gun. The careers
I have dreamt of but will never know
Because of my guilt over the mistakes
I often made. It's weighing on my mind
now. It's all those things combined,
And added up and multiplied until
My brain is overloaded with the crimes
I have convinced myself I should die for.

__________________

" Undeserved Guilt"

A relationship is a tough thing to manage
But this one is harder to contain, for it won't end in marriage.
Our friendship, is tough,
Sometimes painful,
And yet we handle our distortions pretty well.

You force me to guilt the time I can't spend with you,
Expect every waking moment to be wrapped up in your presence.
I have a relationship of other kinds to take care of,
You can't be the only person in my life,
And yet I feel as if that's your only hope for life.

I can't handle the guilt passed along from your lips,
I try to make the best of the worst,
But you make things pointless.
We've had our fights,
Damn near fell apart over your insecurities.

I don't know how much longer I can take it.
I want things between us to continue to work,
But if it keeps up the way things are going now,
This undeserved guilt is gonna tear up my soul.
My "temper" is gonna blow up to unrequited heights.

I've handled this friendship pretty well,
Put up with some sh*t that two friends can only put up with
But undesired jealosy isn't nessasary to any healthy partnership.
The more you push him away from me,
The harder I'm going to shove you out the door to my heart.
I can't stand the unspoken guilt any longer.

You've lived your life of solitude before me,
You say you can do it again without me,
But I've opened up windows in your soul that you didn't think could be.
Don't become a mother in my romances,
And our friendship will flourish to new heights.

A potential marriage is what I seek,
Don't unintentially waste this one for me,
Because I care for him in ways you couldn't understand.
My soul finally feels complete wrapped up in his loving arms.
And slowly you are attempting to rip that dream of mine away.

Do you realize that you are doing it,
I don't think so,
For you are too blind trying to guilt me into staying with only you,
To realize just how happy I truly am.
I want forever to mean just that with this man.

You can't continue your life of solitude and misery,
But you can't drag me along that path as well.
It's not fair to the loved ones around us.
It's not fair to our souls,
and most of all, it's not fair to each other.

I can't continue living my life worrying if I'm gonna be happy again,
And if he doesn't make you happy, tough sh*t
My joy is all that should matter in this case.
You can't control who I am to love,
Never have been able to, never will be able to.

Let this be your judgement,
Your warning,
Your final eye awakening moment.
Will you notice my happiness,
Or my back walking out the door for the last time?

I can only hope you choose wisely,
Because I can't stand the path we are walking down,
I can't stand the constant bickering,
The worrying if I'm going to hurt you if I don' do exacty what you want.
It's no longer important to me anymore.

If I have to hurt another soul momentarily
To make mine happy for eternatty,
So be it,
It's worth it to me,
But is my lifelong pain worth it to you?

How badly do you want this friendship to work?
How about a taste of your own medicine.
Take your guilt and multiply it,
Feed it to yourself,
Take a walk in my shoes.

You can't spend forever alone,
But being with only me,
When we are worlds apart,
Is only going to hurt you more.
Get out there, get going, and live your life before it's too late.

Don't make both lives upset,
Because you choose to be unhappy.
Take the keys and unlock the true you,
The fighter,
The one who can bare seeing her best friend with a boyfriend.

Sweetie, I can help you deal with this,
But you've got to let me in,
Instead of shoving knives of hurtful words upon my back.
The blood of guilt can only bleed for so long,
Before I am drained of all emotion and left an empty void.

Check,
It's your move,
Choose your next step wisely,
For it decides the fate of our friendship.
Know that whatever the outcome:
I Love You!

__________________


MY MYSPACE / My Poetry / MY Story

And here's my poem to go with the topic...

Lead Me to Temptation

I shouldn’t be here
But the dark invites two who know how to tango
Behind drawn shades and closed doors

One hour ago – maybe two, or more
We exchanged glances for the first time
Breathless laughter, tongue-tied mystery
Led to hungered kisses and forbidden sighs

Drunk on your wine-drenched breath
Pressed into a forceful embrace
Your husky drawl
Utters mindless words of naked seduction
Causing the walls around me to crumble
Spoiling the innocence I’ve harbored for so long

What the hell am I doing?
I’m filthy from our sweat
Manipulated by your hands
A victim of wandering eyes
And a loveless heart

I don’t need your touch
I don’t have to cave in to your selfish bliss
Yet somehow
I can’t help myself

As long as we’re both here
Together
I beg you
Take all the parts of me I loathe
Make them beautiful enough
For me to hate them even more
Take me away
To places where I don’t belong
But where the sinner in me deserves to be

And don’t remind me
Of the golden band wrapped around your finger
A sacred bond I’ve cut with my dishonor

© S.E.L. 7/6/2006

__________________
Come join!

Inspired by the new Pirates movie...and by Violette

~Forbidden Desires~
Across an ocean I found him
And need him to save me again
If only he will.
Liar, betrayer, trickster
All these titles are his
Yet somehow I feel I am bound to him
Come what may.

It is only a passing fancy
Which makes him speak so to me
Bringing his lips so close to mine
I can almost taste…
It is only a passing fancy
Of my own.

Of all the men in the world
He is the most forbidden to me
Thief, blackguard, pirate
He will not love me as another will do
He would not risk everything for me
And me alone,
Yet I would throw all away
For just a moment of his dangerous, forbidden embrace,

I will throw it all away
For him…

"Can't turn back"

Did something happen
happen so bad
that I can't remember
that I chose to block it out
was it that horrible
I feel like somethings missing
and it makes me feel I haven't lived my whole life
and I'm feeling down around this time of year

If I found out could I live with it
could it help complete my life
I wonder if anyone else knows but me
I'd ask but would I remember them
all this is hidden behind this big black wall
a thousand miles wide
darker then the worse nightmare

I can't get through
and I can't hear anything
from over there
I stare up at it so high
that I feel scared of its size
this is something big
could take my life
If I found out what it is?

Thousands of bricks put here
to keep out something I don't remember
how could I not remember
building something so big
I can't break through
and I don't know if I should keep trying
I bult it for a reason but I can't help but wonder
what is this missing part of my life

I bang on the wall so hard
to not even make a dent
but some of the bricks are pushed out towards me
it wants to come out whatever it is
I scream through it and not even a echo seeps in
I put my full body to it and my stomatch turns
But theres no way I'm gitting in
So I just sit by the wall
and wonder and just keep wondering
I really kept myself from turning back this time

A single dark screen shields his face from mine,
he who can absolve all my sins.
My legs shake as I drop to my knees,
overpowered with the weight of my betrayal.

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,
but I cannot remember the rest.
I press my fingers together, uplift my eyes,
sign of The Last Judgement over my head.

Angels stare down on me,
faces placid between brightly-colored wings.
The statue of the Madonna smiles benevolently,
crowned with a faded wreath of dead roses,
symbol of a spring that died too soon,
a tiara of innocence, a diadem of wasted beauty.

His silence bids me speak,
but I cannot answer.
The list of trespasses is long,
but here, under the stone-faced gaze of saints,
I cannot regret or remember.

So many sins to recall,
so many impure thoughts
burn my face with shameful memory.
So many nights of pleasure,
forbidden by that which I hold to be true.
And I cannot regret a single one of them.

Is the only path to righteousness in self-denial?
Does one book hold the answers
to a thousand moral questions?
Can one race, one creed, one way of life,
be "the one"?
Is all that I hold dear to me tainted,
because it is unsanctified?

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
I clear my throat and find my voice.
I have sinned, forgive me, Father,
I cannot bring myself
to regret one forbidden moment.

I cross myself, and rise,
walking backwards, avoiding his gaze.
Unabsolved, I leave this sacred place.
Only that which hurts others
should be forbidden.
And only One can judge me.

And I try not to cry
But the tears fall down
Like rain burning my eyes
So I close them tight
Still I'm missing you
My forbidden love
The face that haunts my mind
With forbidden lies

And I try to run away
But the memory remains
And I try to hide away
But forbidden lies still find me

Still I cry (forbidden dreams)
I cry (you're all that i'm missing
And I cry...one more day

You try to tell me it will never work this way
So just pack my bags and leave this place
Don't try to say it's all my fault
I blame you for telling forbidden lies

I try to lie away
But you see right through me
Still I try to run away
But dark dreams will find me

Forbidden Language

Don’t you see a sellotape on my mouth?
I was born like that without scream!
Almost like in 1867*
We have no word to talk, to sing!

This centuries with gag of interdiction
Broke our soul and made it withered, dumb…
And even now when we become free nation
We’ve lost the art of our song!

We keep on silence in forbidden language
And our children won’t hear a native lullaby…
When one of us deny what we have came from
One angel of our freedom dies!

Don’t you see a sellotape on my mouth?
I was born like that … it hurts
‘cause my words were stolen from my heart
Long before my Grand-grandpa was born!

But in the ashes of the history
I see the Phoenix comes to live –
Most perfect song you’ll ever hear
Will strive our apathy – I BELIEVE!!!!!
___________
* There was Valuev’s decree was issued in 1867. It had added some points to Emskiy decree of 1863. By this decrees Ukrainian language was forbidden for publishing books, for making all types of performances and for using it in public in Russian empire. Ukrainian was proclaimed as a dialect. All over the history Ukrainian language was forbidden in different territories of Ukraine for about three hundred years. This caused to assimilation of nation in some regions and for changing of language in some regions to Russian in another to awful mix which we call mangcorn. And now we have problems of reanimation native language in some refions, this leads to split in society on the ground of language problem.

__________________

...the children of chernobyl...

Hiding behind his smile,
no one can see,
inside the emotional pain is strong,
he cannot be what he wants to be.

the falsetto he's put up,
will not last too long,
they've snooped on him when he wasn't looking,
and found out what made him "wrong".

tension rises between the class,
and the lonely boy in the back,
and when he goes home that afternoon,
his Mother greets him with a smack.

Apparently another kid told his Mother,
what they saw this boy do,
shame displaces the silhouette of fear on his face,
she gives him awful looks too.

That night his father comes in,
flipping chairs and tables,
a call had been placed to him too,
he almost strangled his son with the phone cable.

It was just a kiss,
with his best friend,
he cannot help but be infatuated,
by those curves and bends.

That pretty face,
and cotton soft skin,
so what if he's a boy?
you need to love the body you're in.

One day they will understand,
but it will be too late,
he'll be gone in the sunrise,
their love was fate.

Forbidden to be away from their families,
they escape the oppression of pain,
intoxicated with passion,
lovers insane.

and when the day comes,
that they return,
they will greet them with open arms,
and hope the lesson is learned.

my entry for the "Forbidden" theme

Forbidden

I think back with fond regret,
Shy friends, together in grief
For the loss of innocence,
Yet worlds apart, torn apart,
Trapped in solitude of our own making.
All alone in a mist of beautiful nightmares,
You found me surrounded by silver flames.
Your intense glances gently pushed me
To be genuine and pure.
I can never reach for your soft light,
Untouchable for me.
Crystal tears of loss line my face,
Though you were never mine.

__________________