heartstringz

How can I tell if it's right and if I'm in love? I've never been in love so I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I know that the guy in my life right now has feelings for me, and I definatly feel something for him but I can't put a name to it. I guess the best I can do is to say that he 'feels like home' so to speak - when I'm with him it feels like I can feel safe and be myself and nothing else matters.

Yet I often find myself getting really frustrated. We haven't been together long and I've been single for ages and I'm used to having my own space and freedom. However, he wants to hang out with me every second that we get a chance. Sometimes I have found myself making excuses so that I can go home and have my own space. I feel bad for not wanting to hang out with him as much as he wants to be with me.

Also, if I do have a genuine reason that I can't hang out with him, he gets upset. The most recent is that we were supposed to go to his place for the day tomorrow after an appointment we both have in the morning. Also, on sunday I have invited him to spend the day with my friends as he really wants to meet them. However, I am going away on tuesday and I have a heap of stuff that I still need to get and sort out so I can't go out both days. I haven't seen my friends for over two months and seeing as he is coming too I thought he wouldn't mind if I bailed on saturday. He is rather upset, however, and although I feel bad it is not my fault. It may sound mean but I would always put my friends first - especially at the beginning of a relationship. Guys come and go but my friends have been there for years and I am not about to lose them for a guy.

I just can't figure out how I feel about him, and what to do about feeling frustrated about not having my own space. I also feel bad about upsetting him. Any ideas?

TheLady

This all sounds WAY too familiar. i was you once.

Never feel bad about wanting time for yourself. Whether it's the beginning of a relationship, or you've been married for 50 years, everyone needs personal time. It has nothing to do with not loving the other person enough, it has to do with loving yourself as well.

When i first starting seeing Nick (we've been together over 2 years), he wanted to spend all day every weekend with me. I'd see him Friday night, Saturday all day, Sunday all day. I started to actually pull away from him because I felt like I was being smothered. it's not like I didn't enjoy spending time with him, but I missed "me" time.

So, I told him that I would like it if we didn't spend all our free time together. he got upset, but I told him that it wasn't that I didn't like him, but I simply needed some quiet time for myself.I told him i was flattered he liked me so much that he wanted to spend so much time with me, but I have things I need to do by myself.

you just need to be honest with him. Tell him you miss alone time and ask him to understand that is the type of person you are. Don't feel guilty about wanting time for yourself, and don't let him guilt you either. encourage him to spend time with his guy friends, or do some Christmas shopping...

How you feel about him, well I can't tell you that. It seems like you genuinely like/love him, and enjoy the time you do spend together. but your annoyance at feeling smothered could be making you start to dislike him, so take a stand and tell him how you feel. When in a relationship, each person is still entitled to their personal time, space, and freedom. He just needs less of it than you. But you are still an individual person with your own needs. You cannot give up who you are for him.

Also, tell him that when you are not in his presence, you do miss him, and you think about him.

GothicBarbie

When its love you just know.

You cant describe it, cant pin-point it but you get this guy feeling and just know that it is love.. or so I have found.

x x
Char

rain_clouds

hun im in the exact same situation at the moment, i feel for my boyfriend, but im worried its not enough, we been going out for only 3 weeks but i like things slow, he seems to smother me quite a bit, im wondering if the reason i feel i need more space is cause he is my first boyfriend and i have been used to it just being me for years
-Luv Kat-

Jane

No, that's not a very reliable tell at all. Sometimes the idea that you can't express yourself over the feelings you have, is a warning sign that you're unsure and uncomfortable in the relationship. It's all relative.

Love is not always a "you just get this gut feeling and know" kind of thing. In fact, a lot of people confuse love with infatuation for that reason. It's a good way to let love blind you, and sometimes that's a bad move in a relationship, because you wind up putting more of yourself out there, and you become more vulnerable.

Eh, it could be the fact that he's your first, but I doubt it. It may have more to do with his personality. All these guys are so clingy! What's up with that?

Don't get too carried away with it just yet, and don't let the fact that you're worried you don't feel enough for him come into play either. It's been 3 weeks girl, if you felt too much for him - that'd have me worried. I think that you should try and follow LadyJo's advice and tell him that he's not giving you enough personal space... that you need things to move a little slower and you're just not ready to be that close with someone.

Be careful with him though. If he's been with other girls before, he might be trying to take advantage of you, or control you. It may not be the case at all, but do talk to him about it and clear the air. There's nothing wrong with that, and since the two of you are still in the early, baby stages of your relationship, now is the time to feel around for what's working and what isn't and to work through it. Good luck.

End.

Bella

I am a fiercely independent girl. I've been with someone for about 7 months now, and I almost dumped him after 2 months for the exact reasons you are talking about. Some people think that when you love a person, you have to spend every single second with them. I am not one of those people. I think that relationships work well when each person is allowed to ge their own space.

The problem with Bobby is he was honestly in love with me after a few weeks. I did not return those feelings because it was way too soon in our relationship. He thought that by forcing me to spend time with him, I would come around and fall in love with him. We had a nice long talk where I explained I was feeling smothered, and if he did not allow me to be independent, I was going to have to have to end things alltogether. He obviously didn't like that suggestion, but did fire back with a 'why does everything have to be on your terms'. I told him that I was not expecting everything to be on my terms, but that right now I needed my space. I think he felt hurt.

If you do love him, then when you get your free time, and wish he was there with you, and you start to miss him, then you can consider you love him. When you start thinking 'i wish my boyfriend was here' on a regular basis, then you can call it love.

heartstringz

Thanks for your advice everyone. Next time I see him (I am going away tomorrow) I will speak to him about it. He's a decent guy and I know that he may be hurt but he will understand.

One thing that worries me now is that he's not going to fit in with my group of friends. He met them yesterday and when we were all there together I noticed how completely different he is to them. They are all really loud and like to have a laugh and can be a little silly at times. Yet when they were all together, my boyfriend just seemed really uptight and overly mature compared with them.

When group members have brought boyfriends to meet us in the past, usually it seems that a good indicator of whether or not the relationship will work is how they get along with the rest of the group. Some of them have just slotted right in, so to speak, and those relationships are blossoming. However, I don't think he will do that. He is a few years older than all the others and because of that he doesn't seem willing to 'let his hair down' and have a laugh and join in with them.

He spent half of yesterday cringing about half the stuff they said, and getting annoyed at some of the rest of the stuff. Then he started going on and on about 'oh, smoking is a filthy habit! I don't see why you have to do it' etc to the members of the group who smoke. That annoyed me because he had only just met them. I'm not saying that I like the fact that they smoke, however it is their choice and he shouldn't be saying stuff like that. It also wasn't as if he was affected by it - my friends are good enough to respect those who don't spoke and therefore they have a cigarette away from us. He also complained when they wanted to get Macca's for lunch - seemingly because he has finished uni and has a full time job and therefore has heaps of money. Most of my friends don't have a great deal so they don't feel the need to spend the little that they do have on expensive meals in resturants etc.

It just worries me that he's not going to fit in with the group. I mean, he doesn't seem to have anything in common with them at all. He also doesn't seem willing to try new things. For example, music is a big deal in my group - they love various bands etc. He doesn't listen to any of the music they like and he won't even give it a chance. When they were playing some of their music he was just rolling his eyes and getting annoyed simply because they weren't listening to The Beatles.

SuperNothing

I'm not officially in a relationship at the moment but I can compare with you. I've been getting close with a friend of mine I've only known since September. He asked me out about a month ago and I told him I needed to get to know him better and sort out things from a past relationship. He seemed fine with this idea but he still gives me the occasional 'just friends' guilt trip. In this months time, I've started to develop feelings for him. He's a great guy, very open about his feelings, very devoted and I could see things going well between us. One of the main things that keeping me for pursuing an intimate relationship with him is the whole "clingy" side of him. He wants to spend lots of time with me. At school, after school, weekends. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the time I spend with him but I just think it's too much. He gets hurt when I do not go along with plans he makes and it makes me feel like crap. I'm afraid if we start dating, he'll want to do more things with me and he will get even more hurt when I'm not up for it.

About noticing whether you're in love.. I don't think there is a sure way. I suppose I agree with the whole gut-feeling thing in a way. I've only been in love once. It took me a while to realize but when I did, I did not have any doubts about it. He was in my mind all the time and all I did was come up with new ways to show him how much I cared for him and so much more. Hope it all works out for you

Jane

It depends now upon whether or not you like him. Perhaps the fact that he's a whole different cup of tea is the reason that you enjoy his company so much. He doesn't need to have to fit in with your group of friends, particularly; though it does make it easier, it's not a requirement.

However, the way you spoke of him seems like he's not only not of the same crowd as your friends, nor that he doesn't mesh with them at all, but that he's unwilling to do so. It's difficult to make a relationship work if both sides of you don't like each other. He doesn't have to be friends with them, or enjoy their company, but at least tolerate it and be pleasant in their company. Though, it seems like he's a bit rude and judgmental about them - something that you've found you're not very keen on.

When you talk to him, I'd suggest asking him about this. Think about where you stand with him now, and think about how his behavior around your friends affects your feelings towards him. If you're really that defensive of your friends, it sounds as if he made a few comments that he shouldn't have and he isn't being very accepting. But he may also be unaware of his behavior, that's why I think you should talk to him about it and share your observations... this could very well be one of the many tests of your relationship.

P.S. Every time someone for Australia, England, Western Hemisphere, mentions the word "uni" I get this vision that all of you guys are brilliant unicyclists. O.o; I can think of university fine, but when you shorten it to uni, it seems like only unicycles deserve that nickname. ^.^ Just one of the things I've observed.

End.

heartstringz

Argh, he's doing it again! Every single time he invites me somewhere and I'm not sure what's happening then I tell him I might be able to come and I will let him know. Fair enough, you would have thought. Aparantly not. He always takes that 'I might be able to come' as a yes. He goes ahead and makes all these plans and will then contact me and say 'it's at such and such a time' or 'when do you want me to pick you up' etc. I then find I can't come so I have to tell him that. He gets annoyed because I supposedly said I could go and he's made all the plans. He does it every single time and it's REALLY getting on my nerves. At this rate I'm going to have to start saying 'no I can't come' straight out, even if I'm not sure at that stage.

Also, he's being clingy again. He insisted on coming over the night I got home from interstate and staying for like four hours even though I was exhausted and just wanted to go to bed. He then invited me to his house two days later (which is the thing I can't go to) even though he knows I have to get ready to go away on boxing day.

The thing that annoys me the most is that he has just practically invited himself over for christmas! He said to me the other night "oh, I might come over on christmas evening, just to check that everything is ready to go on boxing day" I said something about it not being that convenient because I will have heaps of family here that I haven't seen for over 6 months and I will be expected to spend time with them. He said something about "oh well I will have to meet your family sometime" and then invited me over to his house on christmas day. I was just thinking 'don't you understand what I just said - I have fifteen to twenty people coming for christmas.' My parents won't be impressed if I just disappear to his house for the whole day.

What can I do to get him off my back? This is seriously affecting our relationship - because he is so clingy I'm beginning to dread spending time with him. I feel like when I'm with him I'm trapped, like a prisoner. I hate never knowing what time I'm going to be able to go home.