First attempt - Page 5 - EvBoard

GirlWithAMic · 08-20-2006, 06:28 PM

Hmmmm...I really like this one...I think I like the one you submitted for Writer's Group just a tiny bit better, though. But this was a good one as well. Very lyrical and sad, very emotional overall.

Violette · 08-22-2006, 10:02 AM

I liked "Rivulets", Lexi. Good idea to let a finger cut symbolize a means (whether intentional or not) of releasing your pain and anguish. This verse stood out to me, too:
When you left, I shook and cowered.
Would you ever come back?
Could you ever trust me again?
What had I destroyed?
Could I rebuild,
or was it all too late?

lexiapple · 08-31-2006, 11:06 PM

Hi everybody!

It's been a rough two weeks, but Charmed and I are finally back online after moving into our new place. We're exhausted mentally and physically, but we're getting on our feet, and things are finally starting to shape up. I'm sorry I haven't been around to answer comments or post lately, I've missed EvBoard a lot. But I'll be updating soon, promise.

Miss everyone tons.

Return To Chaos · 08-31-2006, 11:59 PM

Lexi, you're a talented writer. I've just browsed through your thread and simply enjoyed reading through it. Some of my favourites are: Girl in a Glass Box, The Shame of Scars, Fateless Inconsistancies, Rivulets, and Secret Garden, especially. Even though the meaning for some of them was different for you than for me, I felt like I could connect with them anyways. Great use of language, symbolism, and imagery. I can't wait to read more. <3

Violette · 09-01-2006, 08:36 AM

It's OK, Lexi. I've missed seeing you and Charmed on here, but it's good to hear from you! Hope everything's going smoothly now, and can't wait to read some more of your work.

lexiapple · 09-03-2006, 07:37 PM

You Won't Read

You won't read this.
You won't even know it's there.
You'll remain oblivious,
wrapped in your mind,
unaware of the outside world.

I'm tired of the pain thrust upon me.
I know my flaws, don't read them to me.
Don't sit there and search for something to hate.
I'm tired of feeling like a child in your eyes.
I'm tired of you being "so much more mature" than me.
I'm fed up with hearing
the word "paranoia".
I know my flaws, don't thrust them in my face.

You wouldn't like the tables turned.
You wouldn't like to feel
constantly crazy,
a lost cause that needs to be patched.
You don't need me?
Well I don't need you.
I lived without you,
I can do it again.
And more than likely
will have to
sooner or later.

So do what you want.
I'm getting out
before it's too late.
If it's not already too late.
I'll rip the ties that bind.
I'm not getting hurt again.
I feel like I'm sinking
deeper and deeper.
I don't want to slide beneath the surface.
Before it's too late, I'm getting out.

But you won't know.
You won't read this,
or even know that it's there.
And if you did read it...
you probably wouldn't take it seriously
anyway.

GirlWithAMic · 09-03-2006, 10:34 PM

Wow. This piece reads like a kick to the chest (and I mean that in a good way

) It's completely forthright and direct, you're totally venting and getting everything off your chest, with no dancing around it or hinting at anything other than you mean. That doesn't always work with poetry, but this piece was so well written that it's just awesome. The one thing I would suggest would be to maybe smooth out the punctuation. All the periods work well with the jagged feel of this piece, but in a few spots I think a comma might help make an easier transition. For example, here:

Quote:

I feel like I'm sinking
deeper and deeper.
I don't want to slide beneath the surface.

It seems like after "deeper and deeper" you're still continuing the thought, so a comma would smooth it out a little.

But anyway, that's a bit of nitpicky-ness on my part

Either way, this was a great read. Nice job!!

Violette · 09-05-2006, 02:10 PM

Grrr, I tried posting a reply to "You Won't Read" while I was work the other night, and it never went through!

Don't mind me, please. Anyway, I liked "You Won't Read" as well. I'm basically repeating a lot of what GirlWithAMic said, but it is very straightforward and angry. I liked these two lines in particular:

I'm tired of feeling like a child in your eyes.
I'm tired of you being "so much more mature" than me.

They work really well with the poem, but I also got my own separate meaning from both lines. In other words, I can relate to both of those statements, but for reasons that are completely different from each other.

FelicityS · 09-05-2006, 07:52 PM

I love 'You won't read'.... just the thoughts that you can have so much passion/emotion about someone and the way they make you feel yet they are just clueless to it, to you.

I'm tired of feeling like a child in your eyes.

I love this line aswell.... i know this feeling and can relate to it well, i think alot of people would be able to.

lexiapple · 09-06-2006, 04:48 PM

Thanks GirlWithAMic, Violette, and FelicityS for your comments.

It was one of those off-the-cuff poems that I sort of just sat down and wrote.

*sigh* I'm feeling rather out of sorts today so here's another one just because. Nothing special, just off-the-cuff.

Rose Without A Thorn

I wish I could be
what you want me to be.
I wish I could make you understand
how hard I'm trying
to be the girl you want to see.
How much I pray
to wake
and find myself whole,
without a scar or shred of fear.
How much I long
to be invincible,
rose without a thorn.
The disappointment in your eyes
is more than I can bear.
I'm not trying hard enough, it seems.
But the struggle's always there.
I've come so far,
and I'll keep going.
I only wish you see
how I want to be strong again,
brave again,
mirror without a missing piece,
control of my own destiny.

08-22-2006, 10:02 AM	#42 (permalink)
Violette Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Away from EvBoard for a while... I'll be back at some point wink Age: 24 Posts: 800 Points: 1,033.21 Bank: 793.40 Total Points: 1,826.61 Donate	I liked "Rivulets", Lexi. Good idea to let a finger cut symbolize a means (whether intentional or not) of releasing your pain and anguish. This verse stood out to me, too: When you left, I shook and cowered. Would you ever come back? Could you ever trust me again? What had I destroyed? Could I rebuild, or was it all too late? __________________ Come join!

08-31-2006, 11:06 PM	#43 (permalink)
lexiapple Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: New Britain, CT Age: 24 Posts: 166 Points: 1,918.36 Bank: 62.36 Total Points: 1,980.72 Donate	Hi everybody! It's been a rough two weeks, but Charmed and I are finally back online after moving into our new place. We're exhausted mentally and physically, but we're getting on our feet, and things are finally starting to shape up. I'm sorry I haven't been around to answer comments or post lately, I've missed EvBoard a lot. But I'll be updating soon, promise. Miss everyone tons. __________________ But I know the difference between myself and my reflection. I just can't help but to wonder which of us do you love?

09-01-2006, 08:36 AM	#45 (permalink)
Violette Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Away from EvBoard for a while... I'll be back at some point wink Age: 24 Posts: 800 Points: 1,033.21 Bank: 793.40 Total Points: 1,826.61 Donate	It's OK, Lexi. I've missed seeing you and Charmed on here, but it's good to hear from you! Hope everything's going smoothly now, and can't wait to read some more of your work. __________________ Come join!

09-03-2006, 07:37 PM	#46 (permalink)
lexiapple Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: New Britain, CT Age: 24 Posts: 166 Points: 1,918.36 Bank: 62.36 Total Points: 1,980.72 Donate	You Won't Read You won't read this. You won't even know it's there. You'll remain oblivious, wrapped in your mind, unaware of the outside world. I'm tired of the pain thrust upon me. I know my flaws, don't read them to me. Don't sit there and search for something to hate. I'm tired of feeling like a child in your eyes. I'm tired of you being "so much more mature" than me. I'm fed up with hearing the word "paranoia". I know my flaws, don't thrust them in my face. You wouldn't like the tables turned. You wouldn't like to feel constantly crazy, a lost cause that needs to be patched. You don't need me? Well I don't need you. I lived without you, I can do it again. And more than likely will have to sooner or later. So do what you want. I'm getting out before it's too late. If it's not already too late. I'll rip the ties that bind. I'm not getting hurt again. I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper. I don't want to slide beneath the surface. Before it's too late, I'm getting out. But you won't know. You won't read this, or even know that it's there. And if you did read it... you probably wouldn't take it seriously anyway. __________________ But I know the difference between myself and my reflection. I just can't help but to wonder which of us do you love?

09-05-2006, 02:10 PM	#48 (permalink)
Violette Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Away from EvBoard for a while... I'll be back at some point wink Age: 24 Posts: 800 Points: 1,033.21 Bank: 793.40 Total Points: 1,826.61 Donate	Grrr, I tried posting a reply to "You Won't Read" while I was work the other night, and it never went through! Don't mind me, please. Anyway, I liked "You Won't Read" as well. I'm basically repeating a lot of what GirlWithAMic said, but it is very straightforward and angry. I liked these two lines in particular: I'm tired of feeling like a child in your eyes. I'm tired of you being "so much more mature" than me. They work really well with the poem, but I also got my own separate meaning from both lines. In other words, I can relate to both of those statements, but for reasons that are completely different from each other. __________________ Come join!

08-20-2006, 06:28 PM	#41 (permalink)
GirlWithAMic Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Posts: 763 Points: 457.27 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 457.27 Donate	Hmmmm...I really like this one...I think I like the one you submitted for Writer's Group just a tiny bit better, though. But this was a good one as well. Very lyrical and sad, very emotional overall.

08-31-2006, 11:59 PM	#44 (permalink)
Return To Chaos Registered User Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Ontario Age: 20 Posts: 410 Points: 295.76 Bank: 1,833.19 Total Points: 2,128.95 Donate	Lexi, you're a talented writer. I've just browsed through your thread and simply enjoyed reading through it. Some of my favourites are: Girl in a Glass Box, The Shame of Scars, Fateless Inconsistancies, Rivulets, and Secret Garden, especially. Even though the meaning for some of them was different for you than for me, I felt like I could connect with them anyways. Great use of language, symbolism, and imagery. I can't wait to read more. <3

09-05-2006, 07:52 PM	#49 (permalink)
FelicityS Fledgling Post Monkey Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Sydney Posts: 1,403 Points: 700.64 Bank: 41.06 Total Points: 741.70 Donate	I love 'You won't read'.... just the thoughts that you can have so much passion/emotion about someone and the way they make you feel yet they are just clueless to it, to you. I'm tired of feeling like a child in your eyes. I love this line aswell.... i know this feeling and can relate to it well, i think alot of people would be able to. __________________ My Space My Stuff

09-06-2006, 04:48 PM	#50 (permalink)
lexiapple Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: New Britain, CT Age: 24 Posts: 166 Points: 1,918.36 Bank: 62.36 Total Points: 1,980.72 Donate	Thanks GirlWithAMic, Violette, and FelicityS for your comments. It was one of those off-the-cuff poems that I sort of just sat down and wrote. sigh I'm feeling rather out of sorts today so here's another one just because. Nothing special, just off-the-cuff. Rose Without A Thorn I wish I could be what you want me to be. I wish I could make you understand how hard I'm trying to be the girl you want to see. How much I pray to wake and find myself whole, without a scar or shred of fear. How much I long to be invincible, rose without a thorn. The disappointment in your eyes is more than I can bear. I'm not trying hard enough, it seems. But the struggle's always there. I've come so far, and I'll keep going. I only wish you see how I want to be strong again, brave again, mirror without a missing piece, control of my own destiny. __________________ But I know the difference between myself and my reflection. I just can't help but to wonder which of us do you love?

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)

Thread Tools	Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Email this Page	Search this Thread: Advanced Search
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode