Doppelganger

I have noticed recently that there is something about some of the elders in my family that really makes me upset. So I was having lunch with my whole family the other day, and my great aunt decides to tell a racist joke that she had heard at work. So, at first I wasn't really sure exactly what she was meaning by the joke or not. She said it in a way that made it seem like she pitied the person who made the joke, but then after she told it she thought it would be clever to say "don't all n****s act that way?" and laughed as if she was expecting me to laugh with her. I excused myself from the table, and when she later approached me and asked why I was getting upset I asked her to please not talk that way around me. So then today, my great aunt, my grandma, my sister, and I were in the car driving me to school. Then, as we pass by a mexican restaraunt my grandmother said "Ewww, w****** food" and my great aunt started laughing while my sister and I just sat there, glaring at them. Once again, I asked them "PLEASE don't talk that way around us" and then my grandmother said "What, you don't like w******s do you?" And my sister started yelling at her, calling her a dirty, old bigot and I screamed at my grandmother and my great aunt to NEVER TALK THAT RASCIST SHIT which ended with them kicking me and my sister out of the car. Now, as much as I can't STAND rascism, I didn't want to take it to that level. I mean, I am fully aware that no matter how hard I try, I can't keep them from being the way they are against other races. I'm also aware that even though they keep making these extremely out of line comments, they're still my family and it's not like I can just avoid them. So, now my grandmother and my great aunt are very angry at my sister and I, and I want to still talk to them but I don't want to appologize for what I said, especially since I know she won't appoligize for the comment. I tried getting my mom to call my grandmother to talk to her, but she wouldn't even pick up. I honestly have no idea what to do at this point. If I don't appoligize, I'll have to deal with all the ice with my grandmother and great aunt. But then If I do appoligize, I'll be going against my principals and letting them think that even if I do get angered by those comments, I'll still appoligize for that anger.

LovenPeace

If you are sorry, then you appologize for the fact of yelling, but dont apologize for the fact of standing up to your morals. You have asked them many times now to not talk that way, and they are being disrespectful in not respecting your morals. If I were you, i wouldnt apologize and i would let them suck it up at the fact a 14 year old girl was right about something and shut them up. They are pissed because they are embarrased that you have such good morals and have so much support for it. That isnt your problem, that is there's. If they cant respect that its there issue to deal with. In time they will move on and grow up. Nothing happens over night, karma will bite them in the ass for treating people like that. And i am proud of you for yelling at them, no matter who they are, you gave them warnings. They are just pushing it.

Princess Mary

Your grandmother and great aunt sure are bigoted, but I guess because they are elderly, they were raised differently. Its hard for an old person to change their values, although that is no excuse to show such disrespect toward your feelings.

I can understand why you got angry, and I dont think you should say sorry. Your outburst was deserved, it is your great aunt and grandma who should apolgise, and be careful not to speak in such a way around you. They must be mindful of your feelings - if they continue to speak in such a way around you, its a blatent lack of respect.

TheLady

Chances are, your aunt and grandma are old-fashioned. Which, unfortunately, means racist jokes are acceptable. That also means they believe heavily in "respect". So, when you call them "dirty old bigots" you are directly disrespecting them.

What they say is not an insult to you, but you reacted in a way that was a direct insult to them. I am in no way saying they should have said what they said, but can you see how your reaction was viewed as a major sign of disrespect in their eyes?

You made your point. You told them how you feel. The trick when confronted with something this frustrating is to not lose your cool and hurl insults at the offender. Then whatever point you were trying to make is lost.

So, write grandma a letter. Tell her you apologize for insulting her, but you stand by the fact you find her comments extremely offensive. Tell her you are sorry for reacting so poorly to her comments, but you were genuinely upset about the racial slurs she was using. And tell her that if she continues to use such offensive language in front of you, you will, unfortunately, have to limit the amount of time you spend with her. tell her you love her very much, but it hurts you to hear her say those words and tarnishes the way you think about her.

Don't count on her changing, though. She is older and set in her ways and probably thinks you, a 14 year old, have no business telling her how to act. All you can do is be hopeful that in th future more people will have your attitude about different races, instead of hers.

And next time she says those things, ask her why she says those things. Start a debate, not an argument. And stay calm. The trick is to stay calms and not throw insults.

Does she have any friends who are African or Mexican? Ask her if she would say that to their face. Ask her if she would say those things in mixed company, if she would say those things if people of other races were present. My guess is her answer would be no, so ask her why it is acceptable to say those things behind their backs only.

Doppelganger

So, I talked to my grandma today. I told her I was sorry for snapping at her, but that I was still extremely offended by the racial slurs. She just said "Well, that's just too bad" and walked off. My sister still refuses to talk to either our aunt or grandma, and she said she doesn't even consider them family anymore. (...?) So, then I tried to talk to my aunt, and she said that she doesn't understand why I'm defending other races.




(And this may be irrelevant... but to listento.therain: I'm a guy)

Princess Mary

Seems like your grandma is happy to accept your apology, but isn't willing to change her racist behavior.
As for your aunt not 'understanding' why you defend other races...my god. My nana is kind of racist (she cant stand Muslims but its easy to put her in her place about that) but she would never disrepect my views by being open about her racism.

Id be inclined to take back my apology, and continue to be angry at her everytime she speaks ill of other races. Perhaps then she would realise that if she doesnt respect youir feelings, you will not respect hers, and so far, neither your gran nor your great aunt are showing any respect at all for your feelings.

Its obvious you cant ignore this, and nor should you be expected to. Its bery hard when people have closed minds, and they think they are right, and refuse to listen to reason.
I fing it very hypocrital that your gran and aunt are angry at you for being angry at theit racism, but refuse to even consider that there comments may have been offensive.

Can your parents talk to them, or do they hold the same views?

Doppelganger

My mother is very against rascism, but much like my sister, she's much more aggressive about it. I tried (once again) to talk to my aunt, and once again she asked why I was defending other races, and I told her that race and skin color has nothing to do with whether a person is good or bad. Her reply was "Well, that's not my problem." Does ANYBODY understand what she means by that?

Jane

You can talk sense to a wall all you want, but it's never going to pick itself up and walk away.

LovenPeace

sorry for calling you a chick, im well known to get ppls genders mixed up...

anyways, I think your aunt is being very rude about how your aunt doesnt seem to understand why you defend them. Obviously she doesnt have an open mind, and the fact she says "thats not my problem" shows that she doesnt understand that there is no problem with other people.

I dont know what you can do, you have said your piece, and well you cant change there ways, they have grown up with it. Its like the saying "you cant teach an old dog new tricks" Even tho i think you can. But unless something major were to slap them across the face and make them snap into reality, they arent going to learn. I would do the same as your sister, still not talking to them. Cuz talking to them shows your not being as serious about it as you would like to be. Atleast to them. But saying there not family could be a little extreme, family is family, but atleast your grandmother accepted the appology. But the fact she still cant respect your feelings towards it just shows how much of a low life she is. Im sorry but just hearing someone thinking they're better then someone else i just want to boot them in the face. But thats just me

TheLady

In addition to what has been said.... Remember that you cannot control what they say or do, you can only control your reaction to it. I know this upsets you, but remember to try and stay calm in the future.

There is a possibility that your aunt and grandma may be embarrassed. They were caught acting in a way that EVERYONE knows is not socially acceptable. Sometimes it is easier to get belligerant and stick to being wrong than admit you were wrong in the first place.