eramnes

Firstly, I apologize for this being as long as it is. It just seems like this is the only way to make sure I get every relevant detail.

With that out of the way, I will begin. I met this girl who I thought was an amazing person. She is 32, which is a a nine year age difference but that is irrelevant to the story here. We have been spending a lot of time together, and the relationship has gotten "physical" as they say. Things were wonderful, but she is unable to commit to any relationships at this point, at least according to her. Even though we have both admitted that we love each other, she cannot find it in her to commit to anyone right now, which in a way I can understand, due to her past history with abusive relationships. It sucks, but that is life.

In any case, I went out on a date with another girl who is 20, which is far closer to my age, and it was awesome. This girl is also amazing, and I got her number and I promised that I would call her soon, but when I got back to the other girl's house, we had a long discussion about how the date had gone. She admitted that she was wishing that I had a bad time on my other date, and that she was afraid of losing what we had. Of course, like a fool, I agreed that we should try to make things work out, and I agreed to not call the other girl. Now, things are different, and I am wishing that I had gone for the second date with the 20 year old. Everything is falling apart it seems in the other relationship, and now I am stuck with what I have because I feared change.

The therapist says that I need to be more assertive with everyone I have a relationship with, but I have a hard time with that. Feel free to call me a "people pleaser", or whatever else that entails, but I cannot bear to hurt anyone. Now it feels as if I am stuck in whatever it is that I have, and I can't get out.

When I was going to college the first time, at UMD, all I did was browse EvBoard and drink and talk to the only person I know willing to listen on MSN, while waiting for a message from some girl. I thought I was past all that, but reflecting on it tonight, I am making the exact same mistakes. The past has hit me like a ton of bricks and I don't know what to do about it. It seems like the only thing that changes are people's names. The difference is that this time, I have a job and bills to pay, whereas before I just skipped class and got kicked out of school. I can't lose my job with all these bills. I can't deal with making the same mistakes again.

In addition to this, the company I work for is being sued, and I am responsible for the discovery of all relevant information from the server files and the e-mail, which did not go as planned. I am having a very hard time getting the information we need, and it is also stressing me out severely. I stayed up until 4 A.M. the other night finishing up with that, and at least it is done, but how do I know it is exactly what they need? What if I lose my job over not getting it right?

My friend are getting upset over the fact that I am trying to be more assertive, because they are used to being able to walk all over me. I am afraid of losing everyone I know because I am trying to make a positive change in my life, but at the same time, are they really that good of friends if they are willing to abandon me because I am trying to do this? Everyone has told me I have been really pissed off for the past month, and my boss told me I need to quit drinking, but I don't know what to do about any of it. I am tired of putting up with everyone's shit, but it seems like I am stuck with that lifestyle as well.

My advice question is: What decisions should I make? I have no idea what to do from here, and the therapist does not seem to be able to help. Perhaps I just need to give everything more time, but I don't feel like I have the patience to do that. What would everyone else do in this situation?

Jane

You're overthinking it all, but it's understandable seeing as how this has been weighing on your mind for so long and it's essentially a part of who you are. Try to relax a bit... it's not so daunting, it's just built up to a point that you feel it's overwhelming because you're trying to take it all in at once. Just because you've suddenly found out what's wrong and you've had this revelation doesn't mean you need to solve the problem instantly. Just REALIZING what's up is a huge accomplishment and has moved you forward from where you were.

As for what decisions to make, that's simple: be different. You have to make a change in the kinds of decisions you make, that should be easier for you to do now that you've recognized how much you've been doing it all your life. Whenever you have to act on something, go against what you want to do instinctively, because what you've done in the past hasn't worked, so avoid repeating those decisions.

You really have to just focus and make a conscious effort to be different. It sounds like you direct a lot of your energy into what will make others happy; it may be strange, but you'll have to really change that and just consider more what makes you happy. If YOU'RE happy, then the people around you will be happier too, and yes, if your friends aren't supportive of you being more assertive, it stands to reason they're just bummed they can't take advantage of you any more.

Do what you can. Don't expect yourself to change completely overnight, or with your next relationship, or with the very next task you get at your job. It's something that you'll have to adjust to over time. I think you'll relax once you realize that you don't have to pressure yourself to change so that you're seeing instant results. You can do this. You know what's wrong; it's just going to take time to move on and become a better person, that's all. Just take one day at a time, y'know?

TheLady

My honest thoughts were "holy cow this is me 5 years ago"

Trust me when I say I know EXACTLY what you are going through.

Now is the time in your life when you need to put YOU first. So, here are a few things:

You busted your butt at your job. Even if you may have missed something, I guarantee that someone noticed the effort and you will be rewarded for it. Don't let the fear that you may do something wrong stop you from doing it anyway. I am working with a lot of new and young people at my company. Some of them are so scared to do things wrong that they get what I call "analysis paralysis". Trust me, it looks 10 times worse to do nothing for fear of doing it wrong than it does to make a few errors. This is what I am trying to get through to my staff.

As for your friends, screw them. Seriously, you are at the point in your life where you are discovering who you are and realizing you don't like being a doormat. If they cannot understand that, I can guarantee you will find some great new people to hang out with. Try seeing if coworkers are going out for drinks after work. Maybe see if others go to a certain gym, or bar. Try making friends with new people, or maybe organize a happy hour or some type of after-work movie thing.

I spent the first 23 years of my life doing things for everyone else. Now, I put me first. I may come off as a bitch sometimes but I am basically tired of people walking all over me. I would rather people see me as a bitch than use me as a doormat.

My advice is to tell your GF she cannot have it both ways. If she doesn't want an exclusive relationship then she does not have a right to guilt you into not going on dates with other people. Call the 20 year old and apologize for not calling sooner but you were going through some things. And see if she wants to go out for coffee.

And as for the anxiety about life, that may never go away. It hasn't for me. I'm always afraid that the worst will happen, and I try to think positive but have not yet figured out how. All you can do is try your best every day and take it day by day. Some will be good and some will be bad. And EVERYONE is stressed out right now about the possibility of losing their jobs. I am always overthinking things, so maybe I need to take Jane's advice and stop doing that. But it's who I am, and maybe it's who you are as well.

You are 23. This is the time to focus on you. Make a name for yourself at your job. Now that you are paying rent and bills, you are going to find out alot about the world and you don't need needy people and bullies dragging you down. So, assert yourself. You will always regret not doing it.

PM me if you ever want to talk. I've been exactly where you are. It's scary to try and come out on your own, but in 5 years you will be thankful that you did.

Silver Wing

I think you need to tell the woman that the time has come to shit or get off the pot, as they say. Let her know that it's crunch time, you're setting a new course in your life, and she's welcome to come along, but she's going to have to meet you on your terms. If she can't handle that, then maybe you're better off. I would definitely call the 20 year old and see where that leads, like Jo said... but I also think you need to spend some time focusing on you. Go take up a hobby or something that is just for you, something you can do on your own that benefits you - learn to scuba dive, or rock climb, go take martial arts, or even take some flying lessons... something that is an individual activity that doesn't require you to rely on another person. Find fulfillment in yourself, and you'll find it easier to find it in others.

As for the job deal, you did the best you could. It sounds like you went way beyond the strict call of duty there... and that's nothing to be worried about. If you did miss something, own up to it. Tell your boss, "Boss, I did the best I could, if I missed something, I'm sorry".. and be sincere and fix it, if you can. No one is perfect, the trick is to own your mistakes, take responsibility and do the best you can to make things right. If you missed something, I highly doubt you'll get fired for it, especially if you're forthright about what you did and sincere in your desire to do right by your employer.

Hope that helps