Immortal

ImmortalPunker · 12-06-2004, 05:38 PM

Here's just a short poem, it doesn't rhyme or anything.

I just thought it up one day in my head. I'm thinking about adding to it, or editing it so it DOES rhyme. Let me know what you think...
Immortal
A lost and tormented soul,
a heart broken into one hundred pieces,
and her tears seem to come more often than usual.
Her soul and body may be immortal,
but is her love?

axeslinger0u812 · 12-07-2004, 02:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ImmortalPunker

Here's just a short poem, it doesn't rhyme or anything.

I just thought it up one day in my head. I'm thinking about adding to it, or editing it so it DOES rhyme. Let me know what you think...
Immortal
A lost and tormented soul,
a heart broken into one hundred pieces,
and her tears seem to come more often than usual.
Her soul and body may be immortal,
but is her love?

That was a beautiful little piece, and I definetely think it would make an excellent beginning or possible ending to a larger poem, but doesn't really need it. I don't think you should edit it to ryhme. I think it's perfect as it is. A lot of poetry sounds much more raw and emotional without ryhme, and doesn't have the forced-ness that can come with trying to find words that ryhme.

Cliffnotes version...keep it as is! It's awesome. Maybe adding to it would be cool too, but it really doesn't need it.

ImmortalPunker · 12-09-2004, 11:05 AM

Thanks a lot! That's exactly what I was thinking. Here's another poem that I thought up...
How come?
How come it's me crying myself to sleep,
when you're the one who cheated?
How come it's me with the broken heart,
when you're the one who pleaded?
How come it's me who's dying inside,
when you're the one who promised?
How come it's my soul that's bleeding,
when you're the one who had everything demolished?
How come it's me who wasn't good enough for you,
when you're the one who chose her?
How come it hurts me whenever I see you two togeth-er?
How come it's my old best friend,
that is now by biggest foe?
Because you chose her over me,
instead of simply telling her "no."

mystic_flare · 12-09-2004, 12:19 PM

Cool! I like it. The ending's really good!

xHaUnTeDbYoUx · 12-09-2004, 04:50 PM

yay!! its good

keep it upp!

axeslinger0u812 · 12-09-2004, 06:59 PM

Quote:

How come it's me who wasn't good enough for you,
when you're the one who chose her?
How come it hurts me whenever I see you two togeth-er?
How come it's my old best friend,
that is now by biggest foe?
Because you chose her over me,
instead of simply telling her "no."

Yes, this ending part was awesome. It really captured the essence of it all, and gave it a good flowing end.

ImmortalPunker · 12-10-2004, 12:02 PM

Thanks a lot everyone!!

Lunar Sky · 12-10-2004, 03:00 PM

I loved the consistency with the word "how" in your second poem. Very creative!

20202020202020

12-06-2004, 05:38 PM	Immortal Post #1
ImmortalPunker n00blet Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Nowhere Important. Age: 22 Posts: 9 Points: 104.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 104.00 Donate	Immortal Here's just a short poem, it doesn't rhyme or anything. I just thought it up one day in my head. I'm thinking about adding to it, or editing it so it DOES rhyme. Let me know what you think... Immortal A lost and tormented soul, a heart broken into one hundred pieces, and her tears seem to come more often than usual. Her soul and body may be immortal, but is her love?

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12-09-2004, 11:05 AM	Immortal Post #3
ImmortalPunker n00blet Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Nowhere Important. Age: 22 Posts: 9 Points: 104.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 104.00 Donate	Thanks a lot! That's exactly what I was thinking. Here's another poem that I thought up... How come? How come it's me crying myself to sleep, when you're the one who cheated? How come it's me with the broken heart, when you're the one who pleaded? How come it's me who's dying inside, when you're the one who promised? How come it's my soul that's bleeding, when you're the one who had everything demolished? How come it's me who wasn't good enough for you, when you're the one who chose her? How come it hurts me whenever I see you two togeth-er? How come it's my old best friend, that is now by biggest foe? Because you chose her over me, instead of simply telling her "no."

12-09-2004, 12:19 PM	Immortal Post #4
mystic_flare Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Somewhere on earth Age: 22 Posts: 90 Points: 251.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 251.00 Donate	Cool! I like it. The ending's really good!

12-09-2004, 04:50 PM	Immortal Post #5
xHaUnTeDbYoUx Member of the Banned PERMA BANNED Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: NY Age: 23 Posts: 79 Points: 150.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 150.00 Donate	yay!! its good keep it upp!

12-10-2004, 12:02 PM	Immortal Post #7
ImmortalPunker n00blet Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Nowhere Important. Age: 22 Posts: 9 Points: 104.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 104.00 Donate	Thanks a lot everyone!!

12-10-2004, 03:00 PM	Immortal Post #8
Lunar Sky Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Somewhere that only the truly inspired can appreciate Age: 26 Posts: 265 Points: 322.58 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 322.58 Donate	I loved the consistency with the word "how" in your second poem. Very creative! 20202020202020

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