Inside the Mind of this Stranger - EvBoard

EyesOfAStranger · 07-05-2006, 06:28 PM

So it’s time for my 100th post here at EvBoard! I thought I’d try to grow some balls and FINALLY post in the Your Stuff thread that I’ve been lurking in and out of almost the whole time I’ve been a member here. Don’t mistake my hesitation for me being afraid of criticism...it’s not that, I’m just really not too good at sharing much about myself (even with the people I know and are close to) and, as with almost everyone here, the majority of what I’ve written is pretty personal. So let’s just jump right in, shall we.

The first thing I thought I’d share was actually kind of inspired by Eternal, so I thought that would probably be the best way to break the ice, there isn’t really a title for it, since I was inspired by Eternal while listening to it one day I just wrote that across the top of the page, but it hasn’t really pulled a title of it’s own out of me yet.

Christie :-)

I cannot lie another day
I cannot mend my twisted ways
I can’t win these games you play
so I’ll just fall into my hate
it’s the only thing that stays
it’s the one thing that remains
it’s the constant that I’ve found
to be there always

haunting thoughts slip through the cracks of my shattered mind

I cannot stay another night
I cannot lose another fight
I can’t bear all the wrongs
that I can’t seem to set right
all the things I wish I could change
just never seem to stray
who was it that was used
was it me or was it you?

Hear me calling
false voice wandering
shouting out can you save me
lost in a fantasy
can’t find reality
try in vain but all is slipping away
the night slowly swallows me
taking me into the darkness
I can’t find my way out of this
so I just sit lost
fighting the shadows in my mind

what you might have said
it could have changed the end
but what you didn’t say
that was the push away

lexiapple · 07-11-2006, 12:07 AM

"what you might have said
it could have changed the end
but what you didn’t say
that was the push away"

I don't think there's a soul on earth who has been in love and lost it that can't relate to those words. Amazing work.

Writer4Life_HMU · 07-11-2006, 12:41 PM

Post more often... definately. The potential here is great. You know what would go good with all of the awesome imagery you have here though?? Metaphors and such. Compare the feeling you have to something else and let it come alive.

keziya · 07-11-2006, 01:24 PM

That is fucking amazing. Your a really good writer, keep it up! I wanna read more.

Quote:

Originally Posted by EyesOfAStranger

haunting thoughts slip through the cracks of my shattered mind

I cannot stay another night
I cannot lose another fight
I can’t bear all the wrongs
that I can’t seem to set right

what you might have said
it could have changed the end
but what you didn’t say
that was the push away

These are my favourite parts. I especially love the last bit. Keep it up!!!

peace
kez

EyesOfAStranger · 07-24-2006, 11:38 PM

This one has been through a lot of drafts, and, at the moment, I think it's found it's way to a version I'm ready to share, so be kind, because I know it still need some work, but at least for now I like it...although it still hasn't found it's way to a title yet...but that'll come eventually.

Christie :-)

even those soft honey eyes
couldn't cushion the fall
when you kicked her world
out from under her

you pushed in the angry storm she was running from
tossing her back into a raging river
where she's worthless and barely able to exist without drowning

she could have given you everything
supported you forever
she would have done anything you asked
all you had to do was help...
keep her head above water
help her cope with the daemons
but it wasn't good enough for you
far too much to ask that you care for someone else
you already found your raft and you're drifting away

lexiapple · 07-25-2006, 12:31 AM

I love this. So sad, so yearning. Your voice in your poetry is so full of longing, you can hear the ache inside of it. Beautiful.

GirlWithAMic · 07-25-2006, 12:37 AM

Wow...awesome work!!!! The first piece was incredible...very lyric, and I could almost see it as a song itself. The second one was awesome too, great imagery and descriptive language. I can't wait to see more!

MsSchizophrenia · 07-25-2006, 02:33 AM

You are certainly gifted! I also agree that your first piece is quite lyrical. Your flow is wonderful, and the emotional appeal is admirable. I do think the second piece is absolute excellence, nothing short of amazing.

"even those soft honey eyes
couldn't cushion the fall
when you kicked her world
out from under her"

Very strong. And I love your word choice. Lovely imagery as well. Keep writing, and I definitely recommend the use of metaphors to spice things up!

07-05-2006, 06:28 PM	#1 (permalink)
EyesOfAStranger Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: I'm not even supposed to be here today! Age: 25 Posts: 111 Points: 268.94 Bank: 10,256.20 Total Points: 10,525.14 Donate	Inside the Mind of this Stranger So it’s time for my 100th post here at EvBoard! I thought I’d try to grow some balls and FINALLY post in the Your Stuff thread that I’ve been lurking in and out of almost the whole time I’ve been a member here. Don’t mistake my hesitation for me being afraid of criticism...it’s not that, I’m just really not too good at sharing much about myself (even with the people I know and are close to) and, as with almost everyone here, the majority of what I’ve written is pretty personal. So let’s just jump right in, shall we. The first thing I thought I’d share was actually kind of inspired by Eternal, so I thought that would probably be the best way to break the ice, there isn’t really a title for it, since I was inspired by Eternal while listening to it one day I just wrote that across the top of the page, but it hasn’t really pulled a title of it’s own out of me yet. Christie :-) I cannot lie another day I cannot mend my twisted ways I can’t win these games you play so I’ll just fall into my hate it’s the only thing that stays it’s the one thing that remains it’s the constant that I’ve found to be there always haunting thoughts slip through the cracks of my shattered mind I cannot stay another night I cannot lose another fight I can’t bear all the wrongs that I can’t seem to set right all the things I wish I could change just never seem to stray who was it that was used was it me or was it you? Hear me calling false voice wandering shouting out can you save me lost in a fantasy can’t find reality try in vain but all is slipping away the night slowly swallows me taking me into the darkness I can’t find my way out of this so I just sit lost fighting the shadows in my mind what you might have said it could have changed the end but what you didn’t say that was the push away __________________ MyStuff: Visual.................................................. .....................................Literary Life is too short not to PARTY for a living!

07-11-2006, 12:41 PM	#3 (permalink)
Writer4Life_HMU Junior Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Colorado Posts: 49 Points: 496.65 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 496.65 Donate	Post more often... definately. The potential here is great. You know what would go good with all of the awesome imagery you have here though?? Metaphors and such. Compare the feeling you have to something else and let it come alive. __________________ I believe that being trusted is better than being loved... so I live to gain trust... and with that comes sure love. This truly makes me happy.

07-24-2006, 11:38 PM	#5 (permalink)
EyesOfAStranger Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: I'm not even supposed to be here today! Age: 25 Posts: 111 Points: 268.94 Bank: 10,256.20 Total Points: 10,525.14 Donate	another nameless work This one has been through a lot of drafts, and, at the moment, I think it's found it's way to a version I'm ready to share, so be kind, because I know it still need some work, but at least for now I like it...although it still hasn't found it's way to a title yet...but that'll come eventually. Christie :-) even those soft honey eyes couldn't cushion the fall when you kicked her world out from under her you pushed in the angry storm she was running from tossing her back into a raging river where she's worthless and barely able to exist without drowning she could have given you everything supported you forever she would have done anything you asked all you had to do was help... keep her head above water help her cope with the daemons but it wasn't good enough for you far too much to ask that you care for someone else you already found your raft and you're drifting away __________________ MyStuff: Visual.................................................. .....................................Literary Life is too short not to PARTY for a living!

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07-11-2006, 12:07 AM	#2 (permalink)
lexiapple Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: New Britain, CT Age: 25 Posts: 166 Points: 1,918.36 Bank: 62.36 Total Points: 1,980.72 Donate	"what you might have said it could have changed the end but what you didn’t say that was the push away" I don't think there's a soul on earth who has been in love and lost it that can't relate to those words. Amazing work.

07-25-2006, 12:31 AM	#6 (permalink)
lexiapple Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: New Britain, CT Age: 25 Posts: 166 Points: 1,918.36 Bank: 62.36 Total Points: 1,980.72 Donate	I love this. So sad, so yearning. Your voice in your poetry is so full of longing, you can hear the ache inside of it. Beautiful.

07-25-2006, 12:37 AM	#7 (permalink)
GirlWithAMic Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Posts: 763 Points: 457.27 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 457.27 Donate	Wow...awesome work!!!! The first piece was incredible...very lyric, and I could almost see it as a song itself. The second one was awesome too, great imagery and descriptive language. I can't wait to see more!

07-25-2006, 02:33 AM	#8 (permalink)
MsSchizophrenia Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: In the back of a murky Chevy van with a loofa named George. Age: 17 Posts: 77 Points: 144.87 Bank: 47.85 Total Points: 192.72 Donate	You are certainly gifted! I also agree that your first piece is quite lyrical. Your flow is wonderful, and the emotional appeal is admirable. I do think the second piece is absolute excellence, nothing short of amazing. "even those soft honey eyes couldn't cushion the fall when you kicked her world out from under her" Very strong. And I love your word choice. Lovely imagery as well. Keep writing, and I definitely recommend the use of metaphors to spice things up!

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