What is the definition of stupid?

(One)
and
(Two)

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here's one i found earlier:

The Devil's Lawsuit

There was a contruction worker who was working on a building when he fell 15 stories to his bloody death. He arrived at the pearly gates and St. Peter said ''Oh, I am sorry, my son. But you have been sentenced to hell. The worker agreed -- not like he could do anything else -- and he was on his way.
When he arrived, the devil looked at him and said, “Ah! A new slave. We shall burn you and throw you in the fiery pits.” Then the worker replied, “That wall could use a bit of patching. I could fix it first and you could throw me in the pit afterward.” So he fixed the wall. Satan, intrigued, asked, “What else can you build?” So the construction worker went about his job and made many improvements; in fact, by the time he was done, hell was a paradise. It had air conditioning, pools, balconies, you name it.
Within a few days, God phoned Satan and said, “I think there has been a mix-up. That worker was originally supposed to come to heaven.” Satan replied, “No way -- he's built all sorts of useful stuff for us. We're keeping him.” God then said, “Oh, yeah? Well, I'll see you in court. We're going to sue you for this man's soul and damages. Satan just laughed: “And where are you going to find a lawyer?”

Giving 100%

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We
have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1
2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%, and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E =
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G = 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while hard work and
knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and
Ass-kissing will put you over the top.

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other
and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after
we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before get to the
driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. take my shoes
off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the
bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent
splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me
for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up! the steps,
throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say,
"WHO'S HORNY".....?!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep!


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What's the difference between Michael
Jackson and a greyhound? A greyhound
will wait for a hare to appear before he
chases.
(kinda dumb, but meh)

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What's big, orange, and eats rocks?
......
A big, orange, rock eater!!


Why did the Doctor win the Nobell prize?
......
Because he has a knocker.

Buh dum pshhhh

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http://www.qweedle.com

*resurrects*

REDNECK VASECTOMY

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb," (fireworks are legal in Alabama) "light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Indiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, and West Virginia!


Aaaaand:

Why are men like cars?
Because they always pull out before they check to see
if anyone else is coming!

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Teehee, I love looking through my old man's email account .

Job Vacancy
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done,there were three finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes."I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the instruction to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming,crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

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I once ate a daffodil....

These are sheer comedy

A married couple receive a bank statement showing a huge overdraft. They also receive a final demand for the electricity bill... so they agree to save money. That evening, they are watching TV when the man gets up and tells his wife that he's off down the pub. Outraged, the wife informs him that he has no right to go to the pub and leave her at home when they need to economise. The husband nods and tells his wife to put her coat on. Surprised and amazed, the wife asks, "Why, are we going out together?" "No," he says. "I'm turning the heating off."



A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" goes the noise form within the mental hospital's wards. The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in. Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye. As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues: "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Arf arf arf

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This all looks strangely familiar...

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They had an ad on TV for a digital video camera with that joke over here. Funniest ad in a looooong time.

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I once ate a daffodil....