*ring ring*

Hi there! It's the President of the U.S.A. Could I speak with the Intelligence Service, please?

*in the other side*

Huh? huh?

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I am now accepting donations for the "Come to Florida" Fund. To make a contribution please see my financial advisor. Your support is appreciated. Please note that all donations are tax deductible.

What do a duck, a crosswalk, and a masda truck have in common?

(i'm not going to tell you the answer. Figure it out on your own) PM me if you think you know!

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"All endings are beginnings. We just don't know it at the time..."

good jokes people
OK I found something too

Guide to Religions

Taoism: Shit happens.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah
Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?!
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.
Har Krisna: Shit happens, Rama Rama!
T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit!!
Atheism: No shit.
Jehovah's Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happenin'.
Christian Science: Shit Happens in your mind.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!

...

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.

Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.

...

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir," the boys said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."

...

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

LOL just a funny cartoon about britney that a friend sent me! i'll translate...
The reporter: "Britney, what's your oppinion about some artist using playback here in the festival?" and the rest u can get it! LOL
ps: sorry i had to put the comic in the attachments. i don't know how to insert an image on my post.LOL sorry but just view the comic 'cuz it's a funny one joking about Shitney!
i've already posted this on another thread but since this is a joke thread...here goes...lol

Attached Images

britney 1.gif (41.6 KB, 44 views)

After graduating from Arkansas State University, a young journalist gets a job at a tiny provincial newspaper in some bumblefuck little town. His first assignment is to write a human-interest story, so he goes out to the country to do his research. Driving through the cornfields, he spies an old farmhand and introduces himself. ‘I was just wondering, sir’ the young hack asked. ‘Out here in the middle of nowhere – has anything ever happened that made you happy?’ The old-timer furrowed his weathered brow for a moment. ‘Yep!’ he exclaimed, suddenly. ‘One time my neighbour's daughter, a good-looking girl, got lost. So we formed a posse, and went out and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home.’ The young journo blanched. ‘I can't print that!’ he cried. ‘Can't you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?’ The farmer thought again. ‘Yeah!’ he said, finally. ‘One time one of my neighbour's sheep got lost. After forming a posse, we found it and all screwed it before we took it back home.’ ‘Christ!’ says the young man. ‘I can't print that either!’ He thinks for a while. ‘Okay – has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?’ The old man looked at the ground. ‘Well,’ he said sheepishly. ‘I got lost once.’

__________________________________________________ ______________________________

Unemployed for a number of years, Dave finally lands a job working for the local railway company. One night he meets up with some friends in the pub. ‘So how's the new job, Dave?' asks one of his mates. ‘Brilliant,’ he replies. ‘The other day I was out working when I found a woman tied to the tracks! I untied her, took her back to my place for a cup of tea and ended up shagging her all night. It was fan-fucking-tastic! Missionary, doggy-style, wheelbarrow – you name it, we did it.’ He beamed. ‘Yeah?’ enquired one of his friends. ‘But was she good-looking?’

‘I dunno,’ sighs Dave. ‘I couldn't find the head.’

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This all looks strangely familiar...

How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw!

Oh, and a comedian said this what I went to see:

I'm American, and I agree with all of you! I don't like Bush either! I think ALL women should shave! I mean, who wants to floss their teeth when you're-

...I'll stop there, shall I?

This is kinda lame but here it goes anyway...

Why are politicians and diapers alike?!


Answer:
You have to change them more often, for the same reason.




I told you it was lame! haha

Okay, i didn't read through the whole thread so idk if this was posted, but it's really funny.

"This is a commercial.
Snow White and the seven dwarves go for a walk in the woods and go by a really pretty pond. Snow White decides she wants to go swimming, but she doesn't have a bathing suit so she tells the dwarves to turn around and she's going to skinny dip. So she strips and starts to get in the water. Across the lake, there's a bear who pushes a giant boulder into the water and it makes a huge splash. The dwarves freak out and turn around, catching sight of Snow White. What's this a commercial for?

7-Up."

eh. I'm not a good joke-teller. Here's one, not very funny, but eh.


Question:
Do you know what kind of dog can jump higher than a building???

Answer: (highlight for answer)
Any! Buildings can't jump!!!!


haha...

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[One sip of the blood that I found..]//[..lying here..]
Add my band!!!!!!!!! [Evil Intentions] Sadly we have no mp3s up yet...

This is from a Dilbert book...

There are 4 types of critics...

1. People who reflexively criticize anything (contrarians).
2. People who enjoy making you suffer (sadists).
3. People who are mad for no reason (nuts).
4. People who have valid criticisms (bastards).

haha...