A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He
took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind
Blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to
the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a
highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren
Blaring.

I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he gunned it
some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."
he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch
up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the
man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes
and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding
that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a
Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

That reminds me.

True story:

A trooper has been waiting by the highway all day with no one speeding. Then, when his shift is almost over, he catches a kid speeding, and pulls him over.

The trooper walks up to the window and says "Son, I've been waitin' for you all day!"

The kid says, "Well, I got here just as fast as I could!"

He let him go.

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¿uwop ap!sdn s!y+ 6u!peaj noh aje hyM

I got this from a friend and thought it was kind of cute and funny. No offense to anyone!

A little duckling was walking down a road with his family. The a big truck came and ran all of them over except him. Now he had no idea what he is or who he's suppose to be. He's walking along crying about the family he just lost when he stops a skunk.

"Why are you crying?" he asked him.

The skunk answered, "well, I was walking along the road when a big truck came and run over my whole family except me! Now I don't know who I am or what I'm suppose to be!"

"The same thing happened to me! I bet it was the same truck," The duck replied. "Maybe we can help each other, what do you think I am?"

The skunk thought a while. "hmm, you're yellow, you have webbed feet and a beak...you must be a duck!" The duck was overjoyed, now he knew what who he is and what he'll become!

Now it was the ducks turn to help the skunk. He looked him over and said "well, you're black, you're white, you smell bad....you must be Puetro Rican!"

Why You Shouldnt Be Flirting!!!!!!

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to
the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued
and
said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no
need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his >costume
and
away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain
and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband
didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by
watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he
could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let
him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her
ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had
passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at
midnight,
she
slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed,
wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous
behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of
time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time
when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the
spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker
all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad,
apparently he had the time of his life."

__________________


"The woman has balls"

lol u got that 4om that tv show wen sex goes wrong

No i did not!! my friend told me it at work so she must have got it from the tv show......one minute what tv show!!

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"The woman has balls"

A man is walking along the beach and sees a girl with no arms and no legs sitting on the beach crying her eyes out. He goes over to her and says "what's the matter?" The girl looks at him and says "I've never been hugged before." So the guy leans down and gives her a hug. She gets all happy and thanks him so the guy leaves. He comes back the next day and sees the same girl again crying her eyes out. He goes over to her and says "what's wrong now?" she looks at him and says "I've never been kissed before." So the guy looks around, no one else is around so he leans down and gives her a nice soft kiss. She gets all happy and thanks him so he leaves. The next day, he see the same girl again crying her eyes out. The man says "what's the matter now?" She looks up at him and says "I've never been fucked before." So he pickes her up, throws her in the ocean and says, "Now your fucked."

lol there was this show called "when sex goes wrong" its funny stories bout, well wot the title says. was on sky 1 ages ago, only caught the 1 episode, and this girl told the exact by a few details story on it. only changes was, werent married, it was jus her bf, werent her dad he gav costume 2, was his best m8 and he didnt go off 2 play cards he went bac 2 check on her as he felt guilty leavin her. other than that it is the exact same story. maybe ur m8 got it from tv and altered it 2 make even more funny.

Another story involved this guy doin his girl friend 4 1st time and round her house, wen her dog (was a small breed, cant remember wot 1) came in and decided 2 jump up on bed take advantage of this poor guy while he was doin his thing, by doin its thing 2 him. 1st he thought she was doin it and was tryin 2 fig out wot with then he realised it was the dog and he couldnt stop and get rid of it or he d blow his chance with his gf so dogy got away with it!

A couple very much on love has just gotten married. To show his new wife how much she means to him, he decides to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis before they go on their honeymoon in Jamaica. He gets it done and he's all excited. He notices however that when he's excited you can see her whole name, but when he's not, all you see is "WY". The couple leaves for Jamaica and he can't wait to she her. To do so he decides they should go to a nude beach. When they arrive, she goes ahead to the beach and he goes to the counter to check in. He gives his name and everything to the clerk behind the desk who is of course naked. The guy looks down and sees that the gentleman behind the desk also has "WY" tattooed on his penis. The guy says "hey, you have a girlfriend named Wendy too?" The man says "No man." So he says, "well what does it say?" The man says "Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day"

no offense to anyone:

what's the difference between a gay guy and a refridgerator?

the refridgerator doesnt giggle when you pull out the meat.

LOL

what's the difference between pink and purple?

the strength of your grip.

LMAO

what did the pink panther say when he stepped on an ant?

dead ant, dead ant...

HAHAHAHHAHAHA

and finally:

if you're old enough to sit at the table your old enough to eat

ROTMFFL!!!