Jokes - Page 20 - EvBoard

Carmen · 05-11-2006, 04:30 PM

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Boo
Boo Hoo?

...Now there's no need to cry

I'm. so. funny.

Phoenix Fires · 05-11-2006, 06:13 PM

A mother was working in the kitchen while she listened to her young son play in the next room with his new electric train. She listens to the train stopping and her son saying: "all the sons of bitches who have to get off now, get lost because this is a complete shutdown! And all the sons of bitches who want to get on, get your asses on the train because we're leaving already".

The mother entered the room and said to her son "we do not use that class of vocabulary in this house. Now go to your room and remain there for two hours. When you come back, you may play with your train, of course using only pleasant and decent vocabulary."

Two hours later, the boy leaves his room and begins to play with his train again. Soon the train stops and the mother hears her son say: "all the passengers who are going to disembark from the train, please remember to take all your personal belongings with you. We are thankful that you have decided to travel with us today and we hope that your trip has been pleasant. We hope that you will travel again with us soon". The mother smiles and continues to listen to her boy saying: "we ask the passengers for whom this is not their final stop to remain in their seats while more passengers alight. For those who have alighted, please remember that it is prohibited to smoke on the train, and please place your belongings under the seats. We hope that you have a relaxed and pleasant trip with us today."

The mother continues to make the dinner. Then she hears another announcement from her son: "and for those who are annoyed by the delay of TWO HOURS, talk to that bitch in the kitchen!!!!!!!"

Vallarri · 05-12-2006, 12:42 PM

A blind girl went to her mother and said, "Mother, I want to be able to see."

"Okay," she replies, "tomorrow we'll take you to a doctor to get some cream for your eyes, and then you shall be able to see."

The next day the woman takes her daughter to the doctor and the doctor applies the cream to the girls eyes and covers it with a bandage. "Wait twenty four hours," he says, "and then you may remove the bandages."

The next day, the girl was so excited to be able to see. "Can we take them off yet?" she'd ask her mother. "Not yet," her mother would reply.

Finally the girls mother came to her and said, "Time to take off your bandages!" The girl was so excited she could hardly breathe. As her mom slowly removed the bandages, the girl began squealing with delight.

"They're off," her mother said. Confused, she attempted to look around. "But mom, I still can't see anything," the girl sadly confessed.

Her mother broke into a grin and shouted, "APRIL FOOLS!"

**Nyx** · 05-12-2006, 01:21 PM

It's a little long, but I think it's worth it.

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: I'll bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding, too!

**TheLady** · 08-08-2006, 12:24 PM

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

**Oceantron** · 08-08-2006, 12:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vallarri

Her mother broke into a grin and shouted, "APRIL FOOLS!"

I laughed at that one, but I felt bad.

Blonde Joke:

This blonde was at a coke machine and and put her change in and pushed a button and out comes a drink. So she puts some more change in and pushed another button and out comes a drink. She keeps putting change in and pushing buttons and getting drinks. Here comes a man and asks the blonde if she is gonna be through at this machine any time soon and she responded" I'm not gonna quit until I stop winning."

Shape · 08-10-2006, 12:53 AM

What time do you go to the dentist?

......give up?

Tooth-Thirity.

my popsicle stick just told me that joke. crazy.

Shivercide · 08-10-2006, 01:16 AM

A woman came up to her husband to tell him that the TV was broken.

He said, "What do I look like, an electrician?"

"Well, no..." She replied.

---

The next day, she told her husband that the porch had a loose floorboard.

"What do I look like, a carpenter?" He asked.

"No," She responded.

---

The next day, she went to her husband and told him that there was a leak in one of the pipes.

"What do I look like, a plumber?"

"No."

---

The next day, the husband went on a business trip. When he came back, he noticed the TV, the porch, and the pipe were all fixed.

"Wow, honey, how'd you do all this?" He asked his wife.

She said, "Well, you know your friend Tom? He came over and offered to fix it all - if only I'd either bake him a pie OR have sex with him."

"That Tom," her husband said, grinning. "So, what kind of pie did you bake?"

"What do I look like, Betty Crocker?"

MetalRepublican · 08-11-2006, 10:27 AM

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar.

"What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.'

That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because ''Quality is Job One" Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!'

And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN !!!

Leesey · 08-11-2006, 04:08 PM

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into
the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament. " Sir," she said " You may use
the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he
had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA,
PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW and
warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice
things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air
replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff
caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this
unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a
restroom, it was tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed it's pleasure, he couldn't wait to
push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

The next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a
nurse was looking down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was
pushing the ATR button."

"The ATR button is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your
pillow."

(MEN NEVER LISTEN )

05-11-2006, 04:30 PM	#191 (permalink)
Carmen Fledgling Post Monkey Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: England Age: 21 Posts: 1,781 Points: 9,392.57 Bank: 18,743.34 Total Points: 28,135.92 Donate	Knock Knock. Who's there? Boo Boo Hoo? ...Now there's no need to cry I'm. so. funny. __________________ Without passion we truly would be dead My Stuff \|\| My Space

05-11-2006, 06:13 PM	#192 (permalink)
Phoenix Fires Eight of Cups Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: A little-known country called Wales Age: 22 Posts: 3,491 Points: 46.52 Bank: 2,873,073.04 Total Points: 2,873,119.56 Donate	A mother was working in the kitchen while she listened to her young son play in the next room with his new electric train. She listens to the train stopping and her son saying: "all the sons of bitches who have to get off now, get lost because this is a complete shutdown! And all the sons of bitches who want to get on, get your asses on the train because we're leaving already". The mother entered the room and said to her son "we do not use that class of vocabulary in this house. Now go to your room and remain there for two hours. When you come back, you may play with your train, of course using only pleasant and decent vocabulary." Two hours later, the boy leaves his room and begins to play with his train again. Soon the train stops and the mother hears her son say: "all the passengers who are going to disembark from the train, please remember to take all your personal belongings with you. We are thankful that you have decided to travel with us today and we hope that your trip has been pleasant. We hope that you will travel again with us soon". The mother smiles and continues to listen to her boy saying: "we ask the passengers for whom this is not their final stop to remain in their seats while more passengers alight. For those who have alighted, please remember that it is prohibited to smoke on the train, and please place your belongings under the seats. We hope that you have a relaxed and pleasant trip with us today." The mother continues to make the dinner. Then she hears another announcement from her son: "and for those who are annoyed by the delay of TWO HOURS, talk to that bitch in the kitchen!!!!!!!" __________________ Graham: You want me to do what I want? Megan: I could care less. Graham: What I really want?

05-12-2006, 12:42 PM	#193 (permalink)
Vallarri Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: More cool than you can shake a stick at Posts: 158 Points: 81.77 Bank: 49.55 Total Points: 131.32 Donate	A blind girl went to her mother and said, "Mother, I want to be able to see." "Okay," she replies, "tomorrow we'll take you to a doctor to get some cream for your eyes, and then you shall be able to see." The next day the woman takes her daughter to the doctor and the doctor applies the cream to the girls eyes and covers it with a bandage. "Wait twenty four hours," he says, "and then you may remove the bandages." The next day, the girl was so excited to be able to see. "Can we take them off yet?" she'd ask her mother. "Not yet," her mother would reply. Finally the girls mother came to her and said, "Time to take off your bandages!" The girl was so excited she could hardly breathe. As her mom slowly removed the bandages, the girl began squealing with delight. "They're off," her mother said. Confused, she attempted to look around. "But mom, I still can't see anything," the girl sadly confessed. Her mother broke into a grin and shouted, "APRIL FOOLS!" __________________ Go ahead and make my day...

05-12-2006, 01:21 PM	#194 (permalink)
Nyx Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Uhm... can't remember. Too much rum. Age: 18 Posts: 818 Points: 511.26 Bank: 231,349.22 Total Points: 231,860.48 Donate $\m/ - Fanat1c$	It's a little long, but I think it's worth it. A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: I'll bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding, too! __________________ I have a reputation beyond repute. Shizzle.

08-08-2006, 12:24 PM	#195 (permalink)
TheLady Debate Forum's Head Bitch Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Axe-Murderering everyone in The Underground! Age: 28 Posts: 3,208 Points: 8,221.93 Bank: 5,529,221.65 Total Points: 5,537,443.58 Donate	A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. * * * * * * * * * Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. * * * * * * * * * At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. * * * * * * * * * That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" * * * * * * * * * The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. * * * * * * * * * A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. * * * * * * * * * 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. * * * * * * * * * Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." * * * * * * * * The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." __________________

08-10-2006, 12:53 AM	#197 (permalink)
Shape ¬¬ Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: San Jose, California Age: 26 Posts: 4,576 Points: 21,408.81 Bank: 444,545.97 Total Points: 465,954.78 Donate	What time do you go to the dentist? ......give up? Tooth-Thirity. my popsicle stick just told me that joke. crazy.

08-11-2006, 10:27 AM	#199 (permalink)
MetalRepublican Glad to be back Join Date: Mar 2004 Age: 43 Posts: 1,617 Points: 4,312.92 Bank: 283.90 Total Points: 4,596.82 Donate	A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar. "What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies." The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'" A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because ''Quality is Job One" Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!' And gives a wink! Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN !!! __________________ "Your shadow is dark as should be your music." tMR "Golf courses are heaven. It's the only place where you can drink and drive and piss in public." tMR Visit me @ myspace http://www.myspace.com/themetalchef Visit www.multoc.com and http://www.myspace.com/multoc for information regarding their upcoming release....

08-11-2006, 04:08 PM	#200 (permalink)
Leesey Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: somewhere over the rainbow IL Age: 26 Posts: 202 Points: 12,279.07 Bank: 0.01 Total Points: 12,279.08 Donate	In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. " Sir," she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW and warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed it's pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. The next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was looking down at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button." "The ATR button is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow." (MEN NEVER LISTEN )