Jokes - Page 24 - EvBoard

**Melanie** · 03-11-2008, 11:15 PM

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.
'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

Addictt · 03-12-2008, 02:05 AM

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long
flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely
declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5, you ask
me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees
to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth
to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse,
pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the
Airphone. He searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends
e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one
hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands
her $500.

The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep. The lawyer is going
nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what
goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to
sleep.

**Melanie** · 03-12-2008, 10:39 AM

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multimillion dollar home, and, since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on several pounds of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit ... repairmen refused to work in the house ... the maid quit...finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back....

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth.... But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ... including the curtain rods.

**TheLady** · 04-23-2008, 01:32 PM

As you may have heard, the Bush Administration said each and every one of us would now get a nice U.S. economy stimulus check.

But how should we spend it?

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.

If we spend it on gasoline, it will all go to the Middle East.

If we spend it on fruit and vegetables, it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.

If we purchase a good car, it will all go to Japan.

If we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan, and none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that money here at home is to hire prostitutes and buy beer, as they are the only businesses still in the U.S.

My name is Elliot Spitzer and I approved this message...

**Melanie** · 08-05-2008, 08:12 PM

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he'd pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife."Honey", she said, "You received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later", he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce!!!!!"

Sister Spooky · 08-06-2008, 11:08 AM

This is one of my favorite jokes:

Three tampons are walking down the street. One's a mini, one's a maxi, and one is a super. Which one will say "Hi" to you first?

None, they are all stuck up bitches.

Thought of another one:

A farmer was dying and he had three sons. He didn't know which son to give the farm to after he passed away so de devised a test to tell him which son would get the farm.

The sons were to go, one at a time, into town with a duck and who ever came back with the most money for the duck would get the farm when the father passed away.

The first son got a duck and went to town and came back with 10 dollars. The father said, "Ten dollars, that's pretty good for this day and age." So then he sent the second son out. The second son came back with 15 dollars, the father said, "Wow fifteen dollars, that's good for this day and age." All that was left was the youngest son.

He grabbed a duck and went into town. When he got into town he ran into a hooker. She saw his duck and said "I'll have sex with you if you give me that duck" and of course he was like, "SURE!" so they go into a motel and have sex. When they are done the hooker says, "Wow that was great, I'll give you your duck back if you have sex with me again!" and of course he was like, "Hell yeah!" So they have sex and when the son is leaving the motel the duck flies out of his arms and gets hit by a car in the street.

The man who hit the duck gets out of his car and says, "Here's 25 dollars I hope that covers the duck."

So the son comes home and tells his dad that he got 25 dollars. His dad says, "WOW! How did you do that?" The son replied:

"I got a fuck for a duck, and a duck for a fuck, and 25 dollars for a fucked up duck."

(Sorry it was long, I appreciate if you read all of this LoL!)

~Monica

03-11-2008, 11:15 PM	#231 (permalink)
Melanie Made for Chasin' Dreams Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Sunny Tampa Florida...aka...Hurricane Hotbed Age: 32 Posts: 1,367 Points: 1,536.94 Bank: 7,431,848.70 Total Points: 7,433,385.64 Donate	A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. 'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?' Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k? __________________ All that I have done is keeping me from you... “We expect our lives to be happy, trouble free and victorious. We forget that victories come only after we fight battles.” "I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust noone but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." — Marilyn Monroe

03-12-2008, 02:05 AM	#232 (permalink)
Addictt Be afraid. Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: the Netherlands Age: 16 Posts: 59 Points: 1,019.58 Bank: 842.02 Total Points: 1,861.61 Donate	A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5, you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone. He searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep. __________________ - I need you here beside me, to breathe your air.

03-12-2008, 10:39 AM	#233 (permalink)
Melanie Made for Chasin' Dreams Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Sunny Tampa Florida...aka...Hurricane Hotbed Age: 32 Posts: 1,367 Points: 1,536.94 Bank: 7,431,848.70 Total Points: 7,433,385.64 Donate	After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multimillion dollar home, and, since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on several pounds of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit ... repairmen refused to work in the house ... the maid quit...finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.... Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth.... But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ... including the curtain rods. __________________ All that I have done is keeping me from you... “We expect our lives to be happy, trouble free and victorious. We forget that victories come only after we fight battles.” "I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust noone but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." — Marilyn Monroe

04-23-2008, 01:32 PM	#234 (permalink)
TheLady Debate Forum's Head Bitch Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Axe-Murderering everyone in The Underground! Age: 28 Posts: 3,120 Points: 5,382.85 Bank: 3,166,422.61 Total Points: 3,171,805.46 Donate	As you may have heard, the Bush Administration said each and every one of us would now get a nice U.S. economy stimulus check. But how should we spend it? If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline, it will all go to the Middle East. If we spend it on fruit and vegetables, it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car, it will all go to Japan. If we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan, and none of it will help the American economy. We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that money here at home is to hire prostitutes and buy beer, as they are the only businesses still in the U.S. My name is Elliot Spitzer and I approved this message... __________________ Come and post your secret Scientist from Argentina discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse

08-05-2008, 08:12 PM	#235 (permalink)
Melanie Made for Chasin' Dreams Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Sunny Tampa Florida...aka...Hurricane Hotbed Age: 32 Posts: 1,367 Points: 1,536.94 Bank: 7,431,848.70 Total Points: 7,433,385.64 Donate	For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he'd pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife."Honey", she said, "You received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later", he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce!!!!!" __________________ All that I have done is keeping me from you... “We expect our lives to be happy, trouble free and victorious. We forget that victories come only after we fight battles.” "I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust noone but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." — Marilyn Monroe

08-06-2008, 11:08 AM	#236 (permalink)
Sister Spooky The Conspiracy Goddess Join Date: May 2008 Location: Anywhere but home Age: 23 Posts: 186 Points: 3,987.94 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 3,987.94 Donate	This is one of my favorite jokes: Three tampons are walking down the street. One's a mini, one's a maxi, and one is a super. Which one will say "Hi" to you first? None, they are all stuck up bitches. Thought of another one: A farmer was dying and he had three sons. He didn't know which son to give the farm to after he passed away so de devised a test to tell him which son would get the farm. The sons were to go, one at a time, into town with a duck and who ever came back with the most money for the duck would get the farm when the father passed away. The first son got a duck and went to town and came back with 10 dollars. The father said, "Ten dollars, that's pretty good for this day and age." So then he sent the second son out. The second son came back with 15 dollars, the father said, "Wow fifteen dollars, that's good for this day and age." All that was left was the youngest son. He grabbed a duck and went into town. When he got into town he ran into a hooker. She saw his duck and said "I'll have sex with you if you give me that duck" and of course he was like, "SURE!" so they go into a motel and have sex. When they are done the hooker says, "Wow that was great, I'll give you your duck back if you have sex with me again!" and of course he was like, "Hell yeah!" So they have sex and when the son is leaving the motel the duck flies out of his arms and gets hit by a car in the street. The man who hit the duck gets out of his car and says, "Here's 25 dollars I hope that covers the duck." So the son comes home and tells his dad that he got 25 dollars. His dad says, "WOW! How did you do that?" The son replied: "I got a fuck for a duck, and a duck for a fuck, and 25 dollars for a fucked up duck." (Sorry it was long, I appreciate if you read all of this LoL!) ~Monica __________________ "How do you know you're crazy unless someone tells you? And how do you know THEY aren't?"--John Munch Last edited by Sister Spooky : 08-06-2008 at 01:38 PM.

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