Jokes

**gilwellian** · 03-03-2009, 10:54 AM

Yesterday at the Immigration Control

Do you speak English ?
Yes sir!

Name?

Abdul Al-Rhazib

Age?

32

Sex?

Three to five times a week, sir

No, no… I meant female or male?

Yes, yes... male, female, sometimes a camel

Holy, cow!

Yes, yes... also cow, sheep, animals in general

But, but... isn´t that hostile?

Yes, yes... horse style, doggy style, free style, any style!

Oh dear!

No, no... deer run too fast…

Ahmad.M.S · 03-03-2009, 02:55 PM

^^^ OMG! ... this's damn f funny as hell ... looool ... I'll send it to some friends now

**gilwellian** · 03-26-2009, 01:45 PM

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says:
"Nice pigs, Sir."

The President replies:
"These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says:

"Excellent trade, Sir."

Mr.Gsxr · 03-27-2009, 05:18 PM

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

**gilwellian** · 06-10-2009, 02:49 PM

RETIREMENT BONUS

If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two
points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when
asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Good Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are your testicles?'

The Old Chief calmly replied, 'Vietnam'.

Mysterie Star · 06-27-2009, 02:31 AM

Alrightio...

A blonde girl gets a shiny new car, and decides to drive it around. She makes an illegal turn infront of a truck, and almost makes the truck crash

The truck driver gets out of his truck and yells at the blonde "You made an illegal turn. You almost made me crash"
The blonde girl replies with a ditzy smile

This makes the truck driver mad. He says to the blonde girl "Get out of your car and stand in this circle I drew with chalk and DONT move out of it until I say so"
So the blonde girl gets out of her car and stands in the circle. The truck driver smashes all the blonde girls' windows with a hammer. The blonde girl starts giggling.
The truck driver rips all the doors off the blonde girls car, and the blonde girl starts laughing.

The truck driver sets the car on fire, and the blonde girl is pissing herself laughing. The truck driver screams "I'm destroying your car! Whats so funny?"
The blonde girl replies: "When you turned your back on me, I stepped in and out of the circle again!!!"

Ahmad.M.S · 07-01-2009, 05:21 AM

1. A FOOLish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

2. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption :
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD,
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY

3. Three FASTEST means of Communication :
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.

4. Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.

5. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral : BE SPECIFIC

6. What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ?
It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends.

7. Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest.
They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them. Ant 1 says : we should KILL him.
Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone. Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path.
Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.

8. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life.
If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.

9. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer : On their MARRIAGE.

10. When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness.
Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.

11. Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women.
Because per Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake.

12. "A Ship is always safe at the shore - but that is NOT what it is built for" - Albert Einstein

Lady Godiva · 07-06-2009, 04:49 PM

These are some good ways to tella person that has a big nose.

Agressive: I, sir, if that nose were mine, i'd have it amputated- on the spot !

Friendly: How do you drink with such nose ?. You ought to have a cup made specially.

Descriptive: Tis a rock, a crag, a cape, a cape ? say rather a peninsula!

Inquisitive: What is that receptacle, a razor-case or a portfolio ?

Kindly: ah, do you love the little birds so much that when they come and sing to you, you give them this to perch on ?

Insolent: Sir, when you smoke, the neighbors must suppose your chimmery is on fire.

Cautious: Take care a weight like that might make you topheavy.

Thoughtful: somebody fetch my parasol, those delicate colors fade so in the sun !

Pedantic: Does Aristophanes mention a mythologic monster called Hippocampelephantocamelos ?Surely we have here the original.

Familiar: well, old torchlight ! hang your hat over that chandelier, it hurts my eyes.

Eloquent: When it blows, the typhoon howls, and the clouds darken.

Dramatic: when it bleeds, the red sea!

Enterprising: What a sign for some perfumer

Lyric: hark, the horn of roland calls summon Charlemagne.

Simple: When do they unveil the monument ?

Respectful: Sir, i recognize in you a man of parts, a man of prominence.

Rustic: Hey ? What? Call that a nose ? na na I be no fool like what you think i be, that there's a blue cucumber !

Military: Point against cavalry !

Practical: Why not a lottery with this for the grand prize ?

Music Box · 07-06-2009, 04:55 PM

What?

The?

Hell....

are you talking about?

Lady Godiva · 07-06-2009, 05:06 PM

*sigh* it's taken from Cirano de Bergerac. It's about him and his big nose.

07-06-2009, 04:49 PM	Jokes Post #248
Lady Godiva So hold me... until it sleeps Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Chile. Age: 25 Posts: 1,008 Points: 322,897.26 Bank: 47,011,492.55 Total Points: 47,334,389.82 Donate	These are some good ways to tella person that has a big nose. Agressive: I, sir, if that nose were mine, i'd have it amputated- on the spot ! Friendly: How do you drink with such nose ?. You ought to have a cup made specially. Descriptive: Tis a rock, a crag, a cape, a cape ? say rather a peninsula! Inquisitive: What is that receptacle, a razor-case or a portfolio ? Kindly: ah, do you love the little birds so much that when they come and sing to you, you give them this to perch on ? Insolent: Sir, when you smoke, the neighbors must suppose your chimmery is on fire. Cautious: Take care a weight like that might make you topheavy. Thoughtful: somebody fetch my parasol, those delicate colors fade so in the sun ! Pedantic: Does Aristophanes mention a mythologic monster called Hippocampelephantocamelos ?Surely we have here the original. Familiar: well, old torchlight ! hang your hat over that chandelier, it hurts my eyes. Eloquent: When it blows, the typhoon howls, and the clouds darken. Dramatic: when it bleeds, the red sea! Enterprising: What a sign for some perfumer Lyric: hark, the horn of roland calls summon Charlemagne. Simple: When do they unveil the monument ? Respectful: Sir, i recognize in you a man of parts, a man of prominence. Rustic: Hey ? What? Call that a nose ? na na I be no fool like what you think i be, that there's a blue cucumber ! Military: Point against cavalry ! Practical: Why not a lottery with this for the grand prize ? Last edited by Lady Godiva : 07-06-2009 at 04:59 PM

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03-03-2009, 10:54 AM	Jokes Post #241
gilwellian Munching fagpot Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Barcelona Age: 50 Posts: 4,431 Points: 977,425.33 Bank: 23,909,517,705.02 Total Points: 23,910,495,130.35 Donate	Yesterday at the Immigration Control Do you speak English ? Yes sir! Name? Abdul Al-Rhazib Age? 32 Sex? Three to five times a week, sir No, no… I meant female or male? Yes, yes... male, female, sometimes a camel Holy, cow! Yes, yes... also cow, sheep, animals in general But, but... isn´t that hostile? Yes, yes... horse style, doggy style, free style, any style! Oh dear! No, no... deer run too fast…

03-03-2009, 02:55 PM	Jokes Post #242
Ahmad.M.S Don't feel da rock! Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: LIBYA without GADAFFI Age: 27 Posts: 206 Points: 10,009,619.48 Bank: 203,060.91 Total Points: 10,212,680.39 Donate	^^^ OMG! ... this's damn f funny as hell ... looool ... I'll send it to some friends now

03-26-2009, 01:45 PM	Jokes Post #243
gilwellian Munching fagpot Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Barcelona Age: 50 Posts: 4,431 Points: 977,425.33 Bank: 23,909,517,705.02 Total Points: 23,910,495,130.35 Donate	Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, Sir." The President replies: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi." The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Excellent trade, Sir."

03-27-2009, 05:18 PM	Jokes Post #244
Mr.Gsxr Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: at my house Age: 39 Posts: 39 Points: 7,977.01 Bank: 21,588.83 Total Points: 29,565.84 Donate	A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

06-10-2009, 02:49 PM	Jokes Post #245
gilwellian Munching fagpot Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Barcelona Age: 50 Posts: 4,431 Points: 977,425.33 Bank: 23,909,517,705.02 Total Points: 23,910,495,130.35 Donate	RETIREMENT BONUS If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired! The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000. The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Good Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are your testicles?' The Old Chief calmly replied, 'Vietnam'.

06-27-2009, 02:31 AM	Jokes Post #246
Mysterie Star Junior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: In the shadows Posts: 153 Points: 7,496.52 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 7,496.52 Donate	Alrightio... A blonde girl gets a shiny new car, and decides to drive it around. She makes an illegal turn infront of a truck, and almost makes the truck crash The truck driver gets out of his truck and yells at the blonde "You made an illegal turn. You almost made me crash" The blonde girl replies with a ditzy smile This makes the truck driver mad. He says to the blonde girl "Get out of your car and stand in this circle I drew with chalk and DONT move out of it until I say so" So the blonde girl gets out of her car and stands in the circle. The truck driver smashes all the blonde girls' windows with a hammer. The blonde girl starts giggling. The truck driver rips all the doors off the blonde girls car, and the blonde girl starts laughing. The truck driver sets the car on fire, and the blonde girl is pissing herself laughing. The truck driver screams "I'm destroying your car! Whats so funny?" The blonde girl replies: "When you turned your back on me, I stepped in and out of the circle again!!!"

07-01-2009, 05:21 AM	Jokes Post #247
Ahmad.M.S Don't feel da rock! Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: LIBYA without GADAFFI Age: 27 Posts: 206 Points: 10,009,619.48 Bank: 203,060.91 Total Points: 10,212,680.39 Donate	1. A FOOLish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED. 2. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption : Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD, After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY 3. Three FASTEST means of Communication : 1. Tele-Phone 2. Tele-Vision 3. Tell to Woman Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE. 4. Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends. 5. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman. Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him. Moral : BE SPECIFIC 6. What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ? It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends. 7. Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest. They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them. Ant 1 says : we should KILL him. Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone. Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path. Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR. 8. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life. If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life. 9. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE. Answer : On their MARRIAGE. 10. When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness. Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL. 11. Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women. Because per Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake. 12. "A Ship is always safe at the shore - but that is NOT what it is built for" - Albert Einstein

07-06-2009, 04:55 PM	Jokes Post #249
Music Box Hotdog was here. Muarharhar! Join Date: Sep 2003 Age: 24 Posts: 4,437 Points: 11,113,128.08 Bank: 43,131,428,278.46 Total Points: 43,142,541,406.54 Donate	What? The? Hell.... are you talking about?

07-06-2009, 05:06 PM	Jokes Post #250
Lady Godiva So hold me... until it sleeps Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Chile. Age: 25 Posts: 1,008 Points: 322,897.26 Bank: 47,011,492.55 Total Points: 47,334,389.82 Donate	sigh it's taken from Cirano de Bergerac. It's about him and his big nose.

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Jokes

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