Gold. Pure gold.

Ahem. Found this one on the net:

Ok, once a gorgeous woman walked into the doctors office and took a seat on the table. The doctor took one look at her and threw all professionalism out the window. He asked her to undress and lay down on the table. She did so and he begins to stroke her thigh.
"Do you know what I'm doing?"
She replies "Yes, you are checking for any strange bumps."
"Very good," he says. He then begins to fondle her breasts and again said "do you know what I'm doing?" and she replies
"Yes, you are checking for any abnormalities that may form into cancers." "Very good" he said, then he pulled down his pants and began to have intercourse with the lady. He then said "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes, you're getting herpes".

~Christopher

This is funny cause I am a CT girl

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their
new wives straight on their duties.


The first man had married a woman from Alabama. He bragged that he had
told his wife to do all the dishes and clean the house. He said that it
took her a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean
house and the dishes were all washed and put away.


The second man had married a woman from So. Carolina. He bragged that
he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,
dishes, and the cooking. He told the men that the first day he didn't
see any results, but by the next day it was better, and on the third
day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge
dinner on the table.


The third man had married a Connecticut girl. He boasted that he
told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done
and laundry folded. And this was all her responsibility. He said the
first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see
anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he
could see a little out of his left eye!

This one's kind of stupid but it always made me laugh....

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

So, this bloke's out on the golf course with an old friend from school he hasn't seen in years. The conversation gets around to their occupations and he's astonished to discover his old friends chosen vocation.

"What?" says he...
"I told you - I'm a Hit Man. Y'know, shooting people and shit like that?" and, by way of proof, he pulls out a rifle from his golf bag, complete with telescopic sight and every goddamn thing.

Well, this bloke's amazed. Lost for words, he asks if he might be allowed to look through the sight. His pal agrees and the guy starts scanning the horizon.

"This is incredible... I can see for miles! Such clarity... I can see... My house! Look, my wife has left the bedroom curtains open! Hang on... That's that Bastard from next door!! What the fuck's she doing with hi... OH! That's what she's doing... Bitch..." and he turns to his friend. With an earnest glare, he says "Hit man, eh? How much do you charge??"

"£1,000 per bullet" replies his friend. After a moment, the man says "Fine. I want two bullets. I want you to shoot that cheating bitch of a wife of mine right between her eyes, and with the second bullet I want you to blow that bastard's cock off. Can you do that from here?"

"No problem, chief! I'm the best there is. I never miss" says the Man Hunter, and takes the rifle.

A few seconds pass as the hit man takes his bead... A few more seconds as he steadies himself for his first shot... then he starts gently bobbing the tip of the rifle up and down...

After a while, the man says "What the hell's taking you so long?"

"Shut up, man. I'm trying to save you a Grand here..."

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This all looks strangely familiar...

LOl this isnt exactly funny but whatever...)My dad told it to me when I was like four..)

So these two kids are riding their bikes and tyhe one guys seat falls off and hurts his ass really bad. Lol. So they other kid runs to the doctor and was like "Doctor, doctor, my friends bike seat fell off and stuck up his butt!! He's really hurt!!!" and the doctor was like...."Hmmm, rectum" and the kid was like "RECTUM???? It almost KILLEDUM!!!!"

Lol. Um yeah. Not funny

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Once upon a time a dog named Joke. The dog dies and the joke ends.

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A Mexicano named Rodriguez went to his doctor to determine the source of his sickness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Rodriguez in the eye and said," I've got some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it's very bad. You'd best put your affairs in order."

Rodriguez was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.

To his son who had been waiting, Rodriguez said, "Well mijo, we Chicanos celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer.! Let's head for the bar and have a few beers."

After 3 or 4 beers, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Rodriquez's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Rodriguez told them that Mexicanos celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his Impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." His son's eyebrows raised and he opened his mouth, but Rodriguez raised his finger and the frown on his face stifled what his son had planned to say.

The friends gave Rodriguez their condolences, and they had several more beers. After his friends left, Rodriquez's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer?? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?" Rodriguez said,"Yes mijo, I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother when I'm gone."

lol that was to funny! That made me giggle!

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Space for rent!

Four old people are playing golf together. While person #4 was talking his cell phone, the first person proudly says "my son is a successful car salesman. The second proudly says "my son is a successful real estate agent". The third person proudly says "my son is a successful stock broker". Then the 3 people turned to the fourth one and said, what's your son do? Embarrassed, the 4th person answers "my son is a hairdresser, and just now, he told me on the phone that he's gay." The others started laughing their asses off, but then the 4th person added "but he must be really good at what he does, because his last 3 boyfriends gave him a sports car, a house, and a large stock portfolio."

A kid was sitting on a bench in a park eating candy when an older man walks by. The guy says "hey kid, you know that shit will kill you?" The kid says "My grandaddy lived to be 95 years old." The man said "Did he eat that shit?" The kid said "No but he minded his OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!!!"