There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked. The cucumber "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad." The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar." The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!."

Men are like .....Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.

Men are like ........ Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ........ Vacations ..... They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like ........ Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ........ Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ........ Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ...... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ........ Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like ........ Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like ........ Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ........ Popcorn ....... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ........ Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like ........ Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like ........ Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

haha, the "Men/Women are like.." jokes are always funny

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky, my darling," he whispered.


"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."


He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something that I must confess."


"There isn't anything to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep."


"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"


"I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."

HAHA! thats great, I also loved the "men are like....." ones oh, priceless

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,

"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

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Two hunter's go into the wood's together when suddenly one of them drop's dead, the other man is shocked and dial's 911 and says "Help, my friend just dropped dead". The woman replies "Stay calm, i can help, first you should make sure he is dead" It is silent for a moment then a gun shot is heard in the background, then man get's back on the phone and says "Ok, now what?"

men are like....... tiles........ lay them right the first time and you can walk over them for years

shit, can't remember the rest of them... i have a book somewhere full of men jokes... because men ARE jokes

one day, in the garden of eden, eve calls out to god: "lord, i have a problem"
"what's the problem eve?"
"lord, i know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious snake, but i'm just not happy."
"why is that eve?" asked the voice from above.
"lord, i'm lonely, and sick of apples."
"well eve, in that case, i have a solution. i will create a man for you."
"what's a man lord?"
"this man will be a flawed creature, with agressive tendences, an enormus ego, and an inability to emphise or listen to you properly. all in all, he'll give you a hard time. but he'll be bigger and faster, and more masculine than you. he'll be really good at fighting and hunting, and not all that bad in the sack."
"sounds great." says eve with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"yeah, well, you can have him on one condition..." says god. "because of his tender ego, you'll have to let him think i created him first. remember, it's our little secret... you know, woman to woman..."

or this one...

contrary to the bible, god created eve first. she was caring, intelligent and beautiful... and had 3 breasts!
after a few days, god came to see how she was doing, and she complained that the 3rd breast was uncomfortable, so god said "ok, we'll throw that away." this made eve happy.
ove the next few months, she wondered round and saw all the other animals walking around in twos and said "god, i feel lonely, i need a man. and god says "no problem. now, where did i throw that useless tit?"

can you guess that i'm a feminist?