Just a song... - Page 2 - EvBoard

Nd Zodiac · 09-04-2004, 05:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fading_quickly

The song's chorus was good, though maybe you should have found a better
thing to separate the lines with other than "....", because that made it a little
harder to read. But the poem was EXCELLENT, and I think you did perfectly on
it in every respect. Two thumbs up for both overall.

Thanx a lot

,the poem means really a lot to me,becuse it's really,really personal

.Any sugestions how I should seperate the lines?

rain_clouds · 09-05-2004, 05:51 AM

Hi,
I'm here to criticise as you asked

Emptiness:

Quote:

Originally posted by Nd Zodiac:
The pain inside me, it seems growing day by day,
no matter what tomorrow brings, we’re all dying anyway.

There’s no future in this world, where everybody wants to
possess, more than the other,
but inside they realize there’s nothing more then emptiness.

I think this needs some work, the syllables don't match well enough
On the second line i would put 'we die anyway', and for the next part i would get rid of 'more than the other'

I love the chorus

Quote:

Originally posed by Nd Zodiac
Lying here alone, warm blood flowing down my body,
screaming without any voice, ‘cause I know there is
nobody.

Raindrops wash away the blood, time will take the pain
away,
but still deep inside my soul, the emptiness will stay.

I love this part it flows so well

The rest is great

When he smiles::
Nothing wrong, such a moving song

Sorry if i was too harsh

Nd Zodiac · 09-05-2004, 10:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rain_clouds

Hi,
I'm here to criticise as you asked

Emptiness:

I think this needs some work, the syllables don't match well enough
On the second line i would put 'we die anyway', and for the next part i would get rid of 'more than the other'

Sorry if i was too harsh

Oh no it's OK,I asked for it

.But I'm not familiar with the word "syllables",to be honest I never heard it before

,what does it mean?I know I have to work on it,it's just my third song in english

.Thanx anyway!

rain_clouds · 09-05-2004, 11:03 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Nd Zodiac:
Oh no it's OK,I asked for it .But I'm not familiar with the word "syllables",to be honest I never heard it before ,what does it mean?I know I have to work on it,it's just my third song in english .Thanx anyway!

Syllables are the part of a word, like when you say a word it's seperated out into different parts,
e.g:
Hel-Lo: 2 syllables
sep-ar-rat-ed: 4 syllables

Nd Zodiac · 09-05-2004, 11:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rain_clouds

Syllables are the part of a word, like when you say a word it's seperated out into different parts,
e.g:
Hel-Lo: 2 syllables
sep-ar-rat-ed: 4 syllables

Aha,now I know what you mean

,thanx for explaining

!

fading_quickly · 09-05-2004, 06:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nd Zodiac

Thanx a lot

,the poem means really a lot to me,becuse it's really,really personal

.Any sugestions how I should seperate the lines?

You could try this;

Emptiness, I see it in your...
Emptiness, I see it in your eyes.
Emptiness, I don't believe your...
Emptiness, I don't believe your lies.

Or that's how I would write it if I wanted that echo-ing effect that it looks
like you wanted.

Nd Zodiac · 09-05-2004, 08:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fading_quickly

You could try this;

Emptiness, I see it in your...
Emptiness, I see it in your eyes.
Emptiness, I don't believe your...
Emptiness, I don't believe your lies.

Or that's how I would write it if I wanted that echo-ing effect that it looks
like you wanted.

OK it really looks better now

,thanx a lot

!

Nd Zodiac · 09-08-2004, 01:23 PM

Ok,here is one more,opinions are welcome

PAY DAY

You can kick me, spit on me,
Still I won’t be under you control,
You can brake my body in pieces,
But you’ll never brake my soul.

I will swallow all the pain,
The laugh won’t leave my face,
At the end it all will be,
Just your own disgrace.

Chorus:
Soon will come the day,
When you have to pay,
For all the thing you’ve done,
Better hide your face and run.

What you give is what you get,
You’ve picked the hard way to learn that,
What you give is what you get,
They’re some things that I won’t forget.

You can’t hide in a place,
That nobody can find,
You’ll wish you never knew me,
Try to erase me from your mind.

Chorus

You never say sorry,
But you will wish you had,
That will be too late,
Then soon you will be dead.

Chorus

Nd Zodiac · 09-12-2004, 11:04 AM

And now one of my poems

.

LIVING ON THE EDGE
Is it reallity,
Or just another dream?
Every night,
I wake up and scream.

I wish to disapear,
But immpossible it seems,
Night after night,
I’m dying in my dreams.

Living on the edge,
There’s no way out,
A little voice inside of me,
Makes me wanna shout.

I can’t stop,
The voices in my head,
That’s the reason why it seems,
That I’m always sad.

Deep in my heart,
The pain kills my illusion,
All what’s left,
Is only fear and confusion.

Stop it! Stop it!
I’m sick of everything,
Is this all,
What this stupid life can bring?

WRITTEN BY:
ND ZODIAC

sweetwater · 09-13-2004, 02:01 AM

wow...that is amazing nd zodiac...i love the first 2 lines...it really sucks you in to it...and i also love that line `i wish to disappear'...i do relate.

09-08-2004, 01:23 PM	#18 (permalink)
Nd Zodiac Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: In a world that I've created Age: 26 Posts: 230 Points: 143.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 143.00 Donate	Ok,here is one more,opinions are welcome PAY DAY You can kick me, spit on me, Still I won’t be under you control, You can brake my body in pieces, But you’ll never brake my soul. I will swallow all the pain, The laugh won’t leave my face, At the end it all will be, Just your own disgrace. Chorus: Soon will come the day, When you have to pay, For all the thing you’ve done, Better hide your face and run. What you give is what you get, You’ve picked the hard way to learn that, What you give is what you get, They’re some things that I won’t forget. You can’t hide in a place, That nobody can find, You’ll wish you never knew me, Try to erase me from your mind. Chorus You never say sorry, But you will wish you had, That will be too late, Then soon you will be dead. Chorus Last edited by Nd Zodiac : 09-12-2004 at 11:02 AM.

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09-12-2004, 11:04 AM	#19 (permalink)
Nd Zodiac Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: In a world that I've created Age: 26 Posts: 230 Points: 143.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 143.00 Donate	And now one of my poems . LIVING ON THE EDGE Is it reallity, Or just another dream? Every night, I wake up and scream. I wish to disapear, But immpossible it seems, Night after night, I’m dying in my dreams. Living on the edge, There’s no way out, A little voice inside of me, Makes me wanna shout. I can’t stop, The voices in my head, That’s the reason why it seems, That I’m always sad. Deep in my heart, The pain kills my illusion, All what’s left, Is only fear and confusion. Stop it! Stop it! I’m sick of everything, Is this all, What this stupid life can bring? WRITTEN BY: ND ZODIAC

09-13-2004, 02:01 AM	#20 (permalink)
sweetwater Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 862 Points: 142.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 142.00 Donate	wow...that is amazing nd zodiac...i love the first 2 lines...it really sucks you in to it...and i also love that line `i wish to disappear'...i do relate.

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