Karina's poems (criticism needed) - EvBoard

karina · 07-19-2004, 09:01 PM

I've decided to make this thread and post my stuff. I really think I need to improve that so I need your comments. So if I suck feel free to tell me that but at the same time point out what's wrong. Thanks for reading my stuff.

I'll start with two I wrote the other day...

Buried [18/07/2004]

Lacking the strength to move,
As if bound by cold ties,
Wishing for the strength to cut away,
Residues eating me up from the inside,
Old ghosts fill the place where I lay,
As well as a smell of disease feeding on flesh,
I've buried myself, dug this hole,
I made a place for love...now it eats me whole.

Circle [18/07/2004]

"In your hand you hold your future", they say,
In my palm is a withered flower,
Golden ashes that once fed on my dreams,
As a parasite feeds on the life of its victim,

As the wind scatters this gold dust into infinity,
I am left lingering in my own reverie,
Left alone with my denial and mistakes,
Feeding new sprouts with delusional dreams...

SilentSinger131 · 07-19-2004, 09:31 PM

Your poems were really awesome. I really enjoyed reading them. I really like your choice of words in both of them. Have you got any more poems? Because if you do... you should post them!!!

What am I saying? I'm too chicken to post my own work on this board!! *sigh*

But seriously... post more poems!!!

Guardian · 07-20-2004, 01:44 AM

I've buried myself, dug this hole,
I made a place for love...now it eats me whole.
---------------------------------------
I LOVE those lines. You're very good with words and making them express your emotions. If you so desire, you should certainly consider posting more work.

karina · 07-20-2004, 11:15 AM

I do have more poems, but there's something I don't like about my older works. When I read them today I seriously think they suck. It seems I tried too hard to make everything rhyme (the following poem is an exception).
Here's the first "real" poem I ever wrote. I wrote it while listening to "Libera me" (the title is in latin) which is a song on the Soundtrack of Interview With The Vampire. And some lines are inspired by "imaginary" its easy to see hehe

Libera Me [13/03/04]

Walking by spellbound angels glowing under the moonlight,
Softly speaking, whispering in the dead of the night,
Mourning the dead lying beneath them,
While time eats up their angelic grace,

Time seems to stand still as in an enliven painting,
Nothing moves, everything's trapped in it's own sorrow,
But there is a weeping voice singing in the shadows,
The voice of a bleeding heart pierced by lies,

A singing that haunts, resonates in one's head,
A voice, singing in the key of angels, in search of salvation,
Softly speaking of purple skies and fields of flowers,
A place where she longs to escape her silent nights,

And then I saw a figure under a dead tree,
With eyes blue as shards of ice looking through me,
In seconds, it evanished, leaving no traces,
Except a tomb on which you may read: "Libera me",

Many times I have recalled her voice in dreams,
Many times I have remembered the words it sang, almost pleading,
And longing to hear it one more time, I've returned to see,
But there was nothing more that this epitaph under a tree.

SilentSinger131 · 07-20-2004, 11:40 AM

purple skies.... fields of flowers It all seems so familiar

That one was really great. I know that the title of this thread says (critiscism needed) but honestly I don't find anything in your writing that needs criticising.

Unless you write something like this:
Pop Tarts, Pop Tarts, ooh how I wish you tasted like Shock Tarts!!!

If you wrote something like that... then we'd all start worrying here...

But, anywayz, great poem!!

Shivercide · 07-20-2004, 04:15 PM

Your words are beautiful, and I really love your writing.

But, as you are asking for criticism, I will be honest and say this (and yes it's pretty much the same thing I said in the last thread I wrote in, but it's pretty common amongst rhyming poems), because, hopefully, it will only help you.

I notice you rhyme a lot, which isn't a bad thing, but it seems that you may feel like you have to rhyme. The reason I get this out of your poetry, is that some of the lines are forced-sounding. The rhythm gets going good, and then comes a line that only has space for so many syllables in order to keep a good rhythm, but is instead forced with more than it can handle, in order to keep the rhyme.

If you like rhyming, great. But I'm guessing it can seem like a chore to make it rhyme, no matter the consequences. I may be wrong, but I only say that because I've been there, and I hated that feeling.

To sum it up, here's my advice: Flow and rhythm is more important than rhyme. I believe this is because you can create a poem with outstanding flow, with no rhyme at all...but when you create a poem of rhyme, flow is ALways needed. Rhyme is not always needed. If you find yourself having to choose between the two: rhyme, or good rhythm...good rhythm should always come first if you want your writing to be most effective.

Of course, if you like the way your rhymes sound, and you actually want to rhyme, and don't feel like you are forcing yourself to, then just completely ignore everything I've said. You should always do what you want to do, if it's what you like.

karina · 07-23-2004, 02:27 PM

I understand what you're saying Shivercide. I remember when I first started to write I would feel the need to rhyme, thats why I think my older writings suck. Then I realised my poems didnt make any sense thats when I just started to write my feelings without thinking about the rhyming. But sometimes I find words that rhyme and fit so I leave them.
Thanks for taking the time to read my stuff, I really appreciate that

rain_clouds · 07-24-2004, 10:49 AM

they are great!
you said you wanted criticism, so here goes:
the poem buried, you need to make sure the syllables are fairly similar, so that it can rhyme well. i had trouble trying to say the poem with rhythm.
Sorry if i was too harsh.

karina · 07-24-2004, 10:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rain_clouds

they are great!
you said you wanted criticism, so here goes:
the poem buried, you need to make sure the syllables are fairly similar, so that it can rhyme well. i had trouble trying to say the poem with rhythm.
Sorry if i was too harsh.

No it isnt harsh at all, thats exactly what I want!

I want people to point out what they think needs improvement .
Thanks a lot!

fizzy · 07-24-2004, 11:26 AM

Those are great!

Unfortunately I'm not a poet myself so I can't really criticise you on any of your poems...all I'll say is that I really love your choice of words, but I kinda agree with the rhyming. I much prefer freestyle poems or whatever you call them. My favourite poem by far is Circle...great imagery in all your poems by the way

07-19-2004, 09:01 PM	#1 (permalink)
karina Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Montreal, Canada Age: 19 Posts: 92 Points: 128.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 128.00 Donate	Karina's poems (criticism needed) I've decided to make this thread and post my stuff. I really think I need to improve that so I need your comments. So if I suck feel free to tell me that but at the same time point out what's wrong. Thanks for reading my stuff. I'll start with two I wrote the other day... Buried [18/07/2004] Lacking the strength to move, As if bound by cold ties, Wishing for the strength to cut away, Residues eating me up from the inside, Old ghosts fill the place where I lay, As well as a smell of disease feeding on flesh, I've buried myself, dug this hole, I made a place for love...now it eats me whole. Circle [18/07/2004] "In your hand you hold your future", they say, In my palm is a withered flower, Golden ashes that once fed on my dreams, As a parasite feeds on the life of its victim, As the wind scatters this gold dust into infinity, I am left lingering in my own reverie, Left alone with my denial and mistakes, Feeding new sprouts with delusional dreams...

07-19-2004, 09:31 PM	#2 (permalink)
SilentSinger131 Junior Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Philadelphia, PA (AKA: Philly) Age: 17 Posts: 77 Points: 129.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 129.00 Donate	awesomeness Your poems were really awesome. I really enjoyed reading them. I really like your choice of words in both of them. Have you got any more poems? Because if you do... you should post them!!! What am I saying? I'm too chicken to post my own work on this board!! sigh But seriously... post more poems!!!

07-24-2004, 10:49 AM	#8 (permalink)
rain_clouds Ice Queen Join Date: May 2004 Location: Anywhere But Home Age: 21 Posts: 412 Points: 1,290.41 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 1,290.41 Donate	they are great! you said you wanted criticism, so here goes: the poem buried, you need to make sure the syllables are fairly similar, so that it can rhyme well. i had trouble trying to say the poem with rhythm. Sorry if i was too harsh. __________________ Hunt me, As i lay dead, Find me In you head, Crawling beneath, The spiders web

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07-20-2004, 01:44 AM	#3 (permalink)
Guardian Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: St. Louis Park, MN Age: 22 Posts: 251 Points: 165.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 165.00 Donate	I've buried myself, dug this hole, I made a place for love...now it eats me whole. --------------------------------------- I LOVE those lines. You're very good with words and making them express your emotions. If you so desire, you should certainly consider posting more work.

07-20-2004, 11:15 AM	#4 (permalink)
karina Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Montreal, Canada Age: 19 Posts: 92 Points: 128.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 128.00 Donate	I do have more poems, but there's something I don't like about my older works. When I read them today I seriously think they suck. It seems I tried too hard to make everything rhyme (the following poem is an exception). Here's the first "real" poem I ever wrote. I wrote it while listening to "Libera me" (the title is in latin) which is a song on the Soundtrack of Interview With The Vampire. And some lines are inspired by "imaginary" its easy to see hehe Libera Me [13/03/04] Walking by spellbound angels glowing under the moonlight, Softly speaking, whispering in the dead of the night, Mourning the dead lying beneath them, While time eats up their angelic grace, Time seems to stand still as in an enliven painting, Nothing moves, everything's trapped in it's own sorrow, But there is a weeping voice singing in the shadows, The voice of a bleeding heart pierced by lies, A singing that haunts, resonates in one's head, A voice, singing in the key of angels, in search of salvation, Softly speaking of purple skies and fields of flowers, A place where she longs to escape her silent nights, And then I saw a figure under a dead tree, With eyes blue as shards of ice looking through me, In seconds, it evanished, leaving no traces, Except a tomb on which you may read: "Libera me", Many times I have recalled her voice in dreams, Many times I have remembered the words it sang, almost pleading, And longing to hear it one more time, I've returned to see, But there was nothing more that this epitaph under a tree.

07-20-2004, 11:40 AM	#5 (permalink)
SilentSinger131 Junior Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Philadelphia, PA (AKA: Philly) Age: 17 Posts: 77 Points: 129.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 129.00 Donate	purple skies.... fields of flowers It all seems so familiar That one was really great. I know that the title of this thread says (critiscism needed) but honestly I don't find anything in your writing that needs criticising. Unless you write something like this: Pop Tarts, Pop Tarts, ooh how I wish you tasted like Shock Tarts!!! If you wrote something like that... then we'd all start worrying here... But, anywayz, great poem!!

07-23-2004, 02:27 PM	#7 (permalink)
karina Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Montreal, Canada Age: 19 Posts: 92 Points: 128.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 128.00 Donate	I understand what you're saying Shivercide. I remember when I first started to write I would feel the need to rhyme, thats why I think my older writings suck. Then I realised my poems didnt make any sense thats when I just started to write my feelings without thinking about the rhyming. But sometimes I find words that rhyme and fit so I leave them. Thanks for taking the time to read my stuff, I really appreciate that

07-24-2004, 11:26 AM	#10 (permalink)
fizzy \(<¬F.R¬>)/ Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: England Age: 19 Posts: 395 Points: 761.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 761.00 Donate	Those are great! Unfortunately I'm not a poet myself so I can't really criticise you on any of your poems...all I'll say is that I really love your choice of words, but I kinda agree with the rhyming. I much prefer freestyle poems or whatever you call them. My favourite poem by far is Circle...great imagery in all your poems by the way

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