Lisathewitch's Trash Can, pt. I. LitStuff - EvBoard

Rika :-) · 05-05-2006, 05:21 PM

Well... I've just started a thread in Your Stuff. Like, OMG.

I appreciate criticism, especially of the technical aspects - grammar, rhythm, and stuff, because I can never be sure of those things.

THEY

If something wakes you up at night,
You look at them to see your light.
You never miss their phone calls.
They sigh - you're there, they wish - you bow.

You bring them fruits, you bring them stars.
You drink their tears and eat their scars.
So when their fingertips get cold,
You take the sun and burn the world.

You sing them cheesy lullabies.
But then one day they simply die.

Nikky · 05-05-2006, 05:40 PM

All right, here I am.

I really like this one.. is very deep, and full of ''secret messeges'' between the lines.

I really couldn't find any grammar mistakes or anything, but anyway... who am I to find that?

Lol. Anyway... I think it's brilliant, and I loved it.

Keep posting, pleeeease.

Return To Chaos · 05-05-2006, 07:23 PM

Wow, that's really good, Lisa. Keep it up!

Dice · 05-05-2006, 08:04 PM

Is it about babies growing up? The phonecall line has me stumped though,... baby monitor? I'm probably way off

Nice work anyway.

TearsofShadows · 05-05-2006, 08:33 PM

I like it a lot.

Although, i'm confused as hell as to what the subject its about..

Still, excellent writing.

Rika :-) · 05-06-2006, 09:40 AM

Thanks for the comments

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dice

Is it about babies growing up?

Quote:

Originally Posted by TearsofShadows

Although, i'm confused as hell as to what the subject its about..

Basically, it's about how you love someone very much, but one day they suddenly die. And though you did everything possible and impossible for them, you can do nothing about it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dice

The phonecall line has me stumped though,...

What do you mean?

myimmortalenemy · 05-06-2006, 06:26 PM

That was very short and sweet. I enjoyed it a lot! I especially like that one line where it read
You take the sun and burn the world

Can't wait to see more soon!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dice

The phonecall line has me stumped though,...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lisathewitch

What do you mean?

I think he meant this line:
You never miss their phone calls

Dice · 05-06-2006, 06:34 PM

Ah, then I get it

Rika :-) · 05-07-2006, 07:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by myimmortalenemy

I think he meant this line:
You never miss their phone calls

I suck. I've always read it as [foun], but I've just looked in the dictionary and it's [fōn]

I'll try to do something with it.

05-05-2006, 05:21 PM	#1 (permalink)
Rika :-) Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: L-city Age: 22 Posts: 804 Points: 3,060.73 Bank: 77,869.44 Total Points: 80,930.17 Donate	Lisathewitch's Trash Can, pt. I. LitStuff Well... I've just started a thread in Your Stuff. Like, OMG. I appreciate criticism, especially of the technical aspects - grammar, rhythm, and stuff, because I can never be sure of those things. THEY If something wakes you up at night, You look at them to see your light. You never miss their phone calls. They sigh - you're there, they wish - you bow. You bring them fruits, you bring them stars. You drink their tears and eat their scars. So when their fingertips get cold, You take the sun and burn the world. You sing them cheesy lullabies. But then one day they simply die. __________________ Lisathewitch is away. WhisperedVoices. Go there. Now.

05-05-2006, 05:40 PM	#2 (permalink)
Nikky dyingsoul (?) Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Curitiba (PR), Brazil Age: 18 Posts: 3,149 Points: 1,519.88 Bank: 7,341.87 Total Points: 8,861.75 Donate $'cause you're not underage anymore \o - supervixen$	All right, here I am. I really like this one.. is very deep, and full of ''secret messeges'' between the lines. I really couldn't find any grammar mistakes or anything, but anyway... who am I to find that? Lol. Anyway... I think it's brilliant, and I loved it. Keep posting, pleeeease. __________________ Soul Embraced BR

05-05-2006, 08:04 PM	#4 (permalink)
Dice Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Norway Age: 22 Posts: 508 Points: 3,903.50 Bank: 1,295.69 Total Points: 5,199.19 Donate	Is it about babies growing up? The phonecall line has me stumped though,... baby monitor? I'm probably way off Nice work anyway. __________________ Is it a really evil-looking doorstep? ◦◦◦◦◦◦◦

05-06-2006, 06:34 PM	#8 (permalink)
Dice Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Norway Age: 22 Posts: 508 Points: 3,903.50 Bank: 1,295.69 Total Points: 5,199.19 Donate	Ah, then I get it __________________ Is it a really evil-looking doorstep? ◦◦◦◦◦◦◦

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05-05-2006, 07:23 PM	#3 (permalink)
Return To Chaos Registered User Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Ontario Age: 21 Posts: 410 Points: 295.76 Bank: 1,869.86 Total Points: 2,165.62 Donate	Wow, that's really good, Lisa. Keep it up!

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