Okay, I have a best friend, who recently realized that she was gay. Now, I don't have a problem with it, and I am really glad that she came to me and told me, because I'm sure that it's extremely hard to do. The problem is, her parents don't approve of homosexuality. So, she is REALLY worried about how to tell them that she is gay. She's mostly afraid that they would disown her, and then she would have nowhere to stay. Now, she could stay at my house for a little while, but not forever. I just need advice as to what to tell her to tell her parents, or at least give her an idea of what/how to tell them. I would love any advice that all of you have!! Thanks for taking the time to read this!! :)

~Kiersy Lynn

That's a tough choice to make. Some adults can be extremely closed-minded about homosexuality, especially with their own children.

Are her parents the type of people who are closed-minded about things like that?

My first instinct would be to have her tell her parents. She should be honest with them. I would normally say that if they truly love their daughter then they would let her make her own choice.

However, I know the kind of reactions that some parents have when their kids tell them something like that. So, I'm honestly not sure what to tell you.

If her parents are generally easygoing and open-minded, then I'd say yes...go ahead and tell them. Sit them down and say, "I have something very important to talk to you about." See if they can discuss it, how she came to her decision, etc. If the parents understand, then they will be more accepting.

I agree. she should know how her parents would take it, and then act of a way or of other. But if his parents really love her, they should understand it, since it isn't bad thing.

ps- excuse my bad english :)

Well, in response to Katya's and Eli's posts....
The problem is, her parents don't approve of homosexuality.

I believe she shouldn't be ashamed of who/what she is but is it absolutely necessary for her to tell her parents NOW? If not, you two shouldn't worry about telling her parents until later.

Your friend should not tell her parents ANYTHING until she is mentally, emotionally, and financially prepared to stand on her own two feet.

If she is a minor, they may be able to force her into "counseling" against her will (http://www.asafeplace.org/) to try to change her sexual orientation. They might also react by ignoring her revelation, kicking her out of the house, shutting off her contact with the outside world ("grounding her"), or accepting her for who she is. Obviously acceptance would be the best result, but it doesn't usually work out that way if you feel that your parents have a problem with it before you talk to them about it.

When you feel that your parents have a negative attitude toward something and will not approve (whether it's body piercings, your best friend, or your sexual orientation), you are usually right. People are pretty good at knowing their own parents. So if she doubts that they'll accept her for who she is, she should not tell them until she is prepared to support herself, which would ideally be after finishing high school and possibly even college. This means that her dating life might be limited and she might feel discomfort about hiding something this huge from her parents, but it's better than fending for yourself. Just a thought.

And no, she could probably not live with you for long at all. Your parents didn't want another kid or they would have had/adopted one. Also, they may even have attitudes about homosexuality that you're unaware of, and may come to suspect that you are this girl's lover/girlfriend because you are so close to her and are sticking up for her.

These are just my thoughts on the issue, having dealt with it with a close friend myself. You didn't mention how old she is, but if she's under 18, telling her parents is a bad, bad idea.

<3 Mary

Have her 'test the water' to confirm her feelings tha her parents disapprove of her. Have her ask about gay marraige, etc.

And Like SangReal said- she should not tell her parents until she is secured in every way possible- prepared for the worst case scenario. And, im sure she already knows this, do -not- pull out the gay card in some argument when both parties are already distraught and stressed.

If it were me, and my son decided he was gay (heaven forbid) I would expect him to come to me and tell me. Keeping a secret like this from your friend's parents is very, VERY wrong... Parents need to know these kinds of things about their children. Otherwise, they are not parents, they are just people who pay the bills.

If it were me, and my son decided he was gay (heaven forbid)
Excuse me, this is out of topic, but "heaven forbid"??

And this is good advice:

Your friend should not tell her parents ANYTHING until she is mentally, emotionally, and financially prepared to stand on her own two feet.

I agree with SangReal, my parents cant force me to do anything...but if they knew about my sexuality they would definaltly push me to go to counselling, my dad laballed homosexuality as a disease that can be cured..thats the main reason i wont tell them.
she shouldnt tell them anything until she is ready, and until she feels comfortable

Yer, i say....
If she feel that uncomfortable that she thinks theyll kick her out... then she dont got to tell her... i mean... if theyre the kinda parents that'd kick her out for that reason then they dont really need to know...
plus, you also said she recently realised... i mean... i dunno how old she is... but like... i think like maybe leave it a while... no matter how sure you are you kinda always gotta leave it a while... ive seen a few friends tell their parents they were gay... then later have to kinda tell them theyre not...
If she is gonna tell her parents... just come out with it... i mean... i cant really help with that coz i dont relly know what type of people they are..
Yer... "god forbid"??
Anywho... good luck
$K$
XxX XxX

They can't really kick her out or anything....if she's a minor. I'm sure there's a law that requires parents to care for their children until they've come of age. I know for sure people can be kicked out at 18, though.

I agree with her holding off on telling her parents for a while. It may be hard either way, telling them or not telling them. But being that she just "realised" that she is gay, doesn't mean that she is. I know plenty of people that thought they were or werent, and come to find out they were just the opposite. Being a teenager, i'm not saying for her to go out there and screw everything in site to see what she likes. But she needs to explore her sexuality, safely. She may find she likes girls and guys. Or find she likes one and can't stand the other. She's young, alot of feelings, hormones happen at these ages. But initially she needs to hold of on telling her parents if they are that phobic about it.

Karen

If it were me, and my son decided he was gay (heaven forbid) I would expect him to come to me and tell me. Keeping a secret like this from your friend's parents is very, VERY wrong... Parents need to know these kinds of things about their children. Otherwise, they are not parents, they are just people who pay the bills.

Wow. That tops EVERYTHING you have said that I have disagreed with you on. Parents do need to know, but it is not, under any circumstance, the responsibility of they're friends to tell them that. As far as you saying that they are only "paying the bills"...your a father you should understand how much of an insult that would be to most parents. REGUARDLESS and you can sit that little thing you called Religion aside A parent is a parent. A child is a child. It doesnt say in the "Bible" that you can disown your child. You'r child is that your's. You are expected to love and cherish them REGUARDLESS. DO you actually think my mom LIKES the fact I am gay? NO. She was raised in the south. Where they were brought up to hate anyone who was not white, or not straight. Matter of fact, I called my mom and asked her would you ever change your love for me? "I would never think of changing my love for you , EVER."
My mom is one of my best friends. My mom says she doesnt agree with my lifestyle, but she also said making a fuss about it would cause more problems than solve them. As for my dad, he feels the same way. *gets back on topic*
Ben YOU may fill like that, But most parents dont. and yes, god forbid your son does grow up to be gay, strictly cause of how you treat me. I know its the internet and blah blah blah but honestly Ive NEVER seen you call me Justin. its always "Fag" you acutally calling me my name would be nice for once. (reguardless if you honestly mean it or not.)


Before I came out, I told three people. ALL people I TRUSTED. Teenagers are testing the water when they tell they're friends. Ben, You once were a teenager. Did you have anything you didnt tell your parents but told your friends? Same situation here. Coming Out is hard for alot of people. I know it took the death of my best friend for me to finally come out. So thats my thought as far as bens comment goes.

Now for Marys comments...
1. The child by law (Federal) is required to be cared for by A. Parents B. Foster Parents C. State . Everyone I have ever had this discussion with (Local State Troopers and City Cops, and My current Attorney have all said thats the law).
I know in Alabama once you reach the age of 18 , you can be kicked out of your parents house. They can also stop supporting you. However If she is not going to turn 18 soon there is nothing her parents can do except put her up for adoption. Which would be an easy way out.

As far as counseling, do you think ANY counselor honestly will sit here and try to change something so conplex? Its NOT a CHOICE. I dont goto sleep every night saying "Im gonna cruise on guys when I wake up cause I wanna be gay!!" No. It just doesnt work like that. Counseling is pointless anyway if the person in it doesnt want help. Thus that rules that out.

I fail to also see how telling her parents if she is UNDER 18 , is bad. Plase explain.

And im not attacking anyone here. So please dont take it that way.

However since I have been in her shoes I feel comfortable by what im saying.

*advice*

I know ONE thing that helped me alot was having Gay friends. I got a taste of what it was all about. I went downtown to the clubs. As soon as i walked in I knew I was where i should be. Gay Friends is my main peice of advice. Scotty was my best friend. Now i really dont have any gay friends since he was killed (in a few days itll be one year). So yeah get some Gay friends and if at all possible try to hang out witht he Gay Comm. Best peice of advice i can offer.

I would have to agree with everything aniron has just said. A parent needs to love their child regardless of the situation. That's why they are the parents. Like everyone else has said, putting it off may be better in the long run because it will give her time to think about what she would say. It would give her time to see just how her parents truly feel on this subject. If they really, truly love her, though, she shouldn't have too much to worry about, because if they love her, regardless of the shock it may cause them, they will still talk to her and love her.

If I were her, I'd honestly wait awhile before telling her parents. She should be comfortable with her sexuality first instead of forcing herself to come out to her parents with something she's still feeling out. If she forces it out now and her parents reject her, it will only make it hurt so much more because she won't be 100% of herself yet and her self-esteem and assurance could be significantly damaged.

Waiting a few months would be most beneficial in her case. If they would confront her about it, then yes, she should tell them. But otherwise, waiting until she is on her feet, comfortable with her sexuality, and has built up a network of support for herself with more people, waiting and figuring out the exact time and words will do her a world of good.

Besides, if something out of the ordinary happens and she later figures out she's NOT gay and she's already told her parents, then she will have possibly made an unnecessary mess. Taking a few months would also help her to be absolutely positive about her sexuality as of now.

If it were me, and my son decided he was gay (heaven forbid)...

I'll leave it at this: That's a strongly unfair statement and pretty offensive to anyone on here that is anything other than heterosexual. Just because something isn't liked or understood doesn't mean that there should be a negative connotation at every mention of it. There are plenty of things that I'm not fond of but that doesn't give me the right to down them just because they aren't for me. Different things are for different people and that's the way the world will always be. Tolerance should not be one-sided.

I dont mean to speak -for- ToB but just in his defense- if this was the situation--

Maybe he meant that he hoped his kid wouldnt be gay '(heaven forbid)' so his kid wouldnt have such a hard life (along with himself). Im gay and I dont think ill ever tell my parents (soon, anyway)- ignorance is bliss. Id rather them be happy and ignorant than troubled and involved in something they cant help with.

Maybe im wrong- but, just for his defense just in case.

The problem of most people is that they are stuck in what they have always been told. For example, that women and men must be together and have children to keep humanity alive (this comes actually from the Bible, and we all know how religion rules the world). So when now you say that you like another girl or boy, they look at you as if you were a weird thing, coming from the outer space.
Her parents should know several scientific facts which are described in humanity: first of all, there's variety within the human being. There's not only man and woman, there exist other types of human. It is like a gradual line. On the one outside we find machos, and on the opposite outside we find the very feminine. In the middle there's the rest of types of person, including "normal" men and women. This also affects the physical attraction. So you can be more female or male and you can like men or women depending on how you were genetically formed. It's like being blue-eyed or being talented at maths, for example. Another thing that she should explain to her parents is that, as I have said, homosexuals are born homosexuals. They may think that she decided to like other girls because nowadays people is getting mad or something and they like trying new things, like being an homosexual. But tell her to ask them when they decided to be heterosexuals. The answer is the same. Your friend didn't decide it, she realized of that now that she feels identified with people who have the same "problem".
The most important is that they understand that it is something as normal as being heterosexual, that nature (although we've been told the contrary) made humanity being different within itself. And that they shouldn't be ashamed of her daughter. She is the same as she was before finding out that she liked other girls. If they love her, that shouldn't be a problem.
Hope it helps your friend and the rest of you who have to deal with the non-acceptance of society with this old commonplace in mind. Good luck!

Wow! All of you gave great advice, and I am very grateful!! :) Some of you asked how old my friend is, she just turned 17 last month. She's coming over later this weekend, so I will let her know all of the great advice that you all gave!! I REALLY appreciate all the great feedback!!!

~Kiersten~

If it were me, and my son decided he was gay (heaven forbid) I would expect him to come to me and tell me. Keeping a secret like this from your friend's parents is very, VERY wrong... Parents need to know these kinds of things about their children. Otherwise, they are not parents, they are just people who pay the bills.Depends, ToB. Would you make your son too afraid to tell you? Would you make him feel that he would lose your love/respect/trust/support if he told you? Obviously you don't support the homosexual lifestyle, but that's not the issue here. The issue is should this girl tell her parents that she has homosexual feelings/desires/relationships? If she is afraid of some kind of serious backlash, the answer is no, at least not until she is prepared to live away from that backlash.

You should love your son regardless of what he tells you about himself or his behavior. Otherwise, he is not your son, he is just a person that was fertilized by your sperm and lived under your roof for several years.

1. The child by law (Federal) is required to be cared for by A. Parents B. Foster Parents C. State . Everyone I have ever had this discussion with (Local State Troopers and City Cops, and My current Attorney have all said thats the law).
I know in Alabama once you reach the age of 18 , you can be kicked out of your parents house. They can also stop supporting you. However If she is not going to turn 18 soon there is nothing her parents can do except put her up for adoption. Which would be an easy way out.Unless, maybe, she LOVES her parents and just wants them to accept this part of who she is, but thinks they're not ready. Not every gay child wants to divorce their parents because of intolerance.

As far as counseling, do you think ANY counselor honestly will sit here and try to change something so conplex?No counselor CAN, but plenty of idiots trying to make a quick buck off concerned parents will TRY. That's why I emphasized AGAINST her will. If you'd go to that website (http://www.asafeplace.org), you'd see what I mean. This guy I went to high school with is caught up in this church program to "turn him straight" by giving him "counseling," and the rules are just CRAZY.

I fail to also see how telling her parents if she is UNDER 18 , is bad. Plase explain.

1. Her parents may become verbally abusive or be unsupportive because of their absolute hatred for homosexuality.

2. They could send her for counseling against her will to try to "change her sexual behavior."

3. Living under their roof until she is a legal adult could be absolute HELL if they are unwilling to accept what she tells them. She could be grounded, moved to home school, or anything else.

4. And then, when she's 18 (which is just one short year away), she could be asked to leave the home. Her continued presence in the home through college, etc., might be very welcome to her parents, until they find out she is homosexual.

I stand by my original statement that telling her parents anything before she is ready to deal with the consequences is a bad idea. Plus, this might just be a phase. At the risk of offending homosexual members of this board, we have to admit this is a possibility. Plenty of girls are attracted to and/or fool around with other girls in high school. That doesn't necessarily make them gay. She needs to take more time to figure it out for herself before she springs it on her parents, especially if they're going to freak out.

Wow...Some serious misunderstandings here.

First off, I would love my son no matter what happened in his life or what he chose to do. That does NOT mean that I would approve of or even support him in endeavors that I have raised him to believe are wrong.

Secondly, I never said I'd disown him or beat his ass or whatever. aniron, you misunderstood my comment about paying the bills. Parents are people who are actively involved in their childrens' lives, not merely paying the bills and letting their kids do whatever the hell they want. Also, I never said that the FRIEND should tell the parents, I said that "I wouldn't want my kid to keep a secret like that from me." If this girl's parents are the latter (just paying the bills) then perhaps there are more issues that need to be dealt with in this family than whether this girl is gay or not.

Finally, it's perfectly fine for me to believe that homosexuality is wrong and that it is a choice. It doesn't mean that I have hatred towards homosexuals, it simply means that I believe it is wrong, and homosexuals choose to engage in their behavior.

PS. Michelle. My beliefs are my beliefs. Please be tolerant of them.

ToB, I think the misunderstanding originated here:

Keeping a secret like this from your friend's parents is very, VERY wrongIt seemed to me, and others, that you were suggesting that the FRIEND should tell her friend's parents about it. I agree that in an ideal situation, a child should be able to tell a parent these things, but not all situations are ideal.

Also, there was never any fear in my mind that you would beat your child or otherwise hurt him if you found out he was gay. However, not all people are as good as you are. And we are dealing with this girl and her parents, not you and your wife and your absolutely precious son :) .

If it were me, and my son decided he was gay (heaven forbid) I would expect him to come to me and tell me. Keeping a secret like this from your friend's parents is very, VERY wrong... Parents need to know these kinds of things about their children. Otherwise, they are not parents, they are just people who pay the bills.

If I ever end up with child, I'll be much more concerned with raising him to be a decent human being than what his sexual orientation is. And if I had to pick between him being gay or having shades of bigotry lurking beneath the surface, I'd go rainbow all the way.

Sangreal said everything else I was thinking.

I believe it is wrong, and homosexuals choose to engage in their behavior.

And I believe heterosexuals choose to engage in their behavior. WE AGREE ON SOMETHING.

PS. Michelle. My beliefs are my beliefs. Please be tolerant of them.

I think it's odd that you're preaching tolerance when you don't seem to exhibit it. By your own admission you've repeatedly said you don't think the lifestyle is "right," and that you wouldn't support your son in endeavors which you've tried to hardwire him to believe are wrong. How tolerant is that? (I use the term "hardwire" because I don't feel it's right to make it a mission to mold one's child into being discriminatory/intolerant towards a group of people. But that's just my belief.)

And yes, the "heaven forbid" bit was entirely excessive and demeaning towards a good number of people here. Me, though? I was offended for approximately three seconds and got over it. I'm content with the fact that I have my true concerns in life in perspective.

If I ever end up with child, I'll be much more concerned with raising him to be a decent human being than what his sexual orientation is. And if I had to pick between him being gay or having shades of bigotry lurking beneath the surface, I'd go rainbow all the way.

Sangreal said everything else I was thinking.



And I believe heterosexuals choose to engage in their behavior. WE AGREE ON SOMETHING.



I think it's odd that you're preaching tolerance when you don't seem to exhibit it. By your own admission you've repeatedly said you don't think the lifestyle is "right," and that you wouldn't support your son in endeavors which you've tried to hardwire him to believe are wrong. How tolerant is that? (I use the term "hardwire" because I don't feel it's right to make it a mission to mold one's child into being discriminatory/intolerant towards a group of people. But that's just my belief.)

And yes, the "heaven forbid" bit was entirely excessive and demeaning towards a good number of people here. Me, though? I was offended for approximately three seconds and got over it. I'm content with the fact that I have my true concerns in life in perspective.
Believing that something is wrong is not BIGOTRY. HELLO!!!!!!!! I am not bigoted towards homosexuals, I just believe that homosexuality is wrong. There is a giant difference.

Also, the bit about the tolerance. Go read the thread and you might understand the comment. Get over yourself and stop being so serious. There is this thing called sarcasm and humor.

One question...Is this the debate forum?

One question...Is this the debate forum?Nope, not last time I checked. ;) Which was my POINT <333333333

Jeez, people, go discuss this in the new, badly worded "gay marriage" debate thread. It's not like this hasn't already been beaten to death :rolleyes: Chill. out.

<3 Mary

EDIT: Stop debating what happens in the IRC in the Advice forum. If you have a personal problem with someone, take it up in a PM. Thanks, SangReal

Mary, I still stand by my words as well. Im not saying Your right and im wrong OR Im right and your wrong. If you think about it they both could be correct answers.

Nope, not last time I checked. ;) Which was my POINT <333333333

Jeez, people, go discuss this in the new, badly worded "gay marriage" debate thread. It's not like this hasn't already been beaten to death :rolleyes: Chill. out.

<3 Mary

MK, so its ok for Ben to debate his thoughts but when somebody else debates they're thoughts "This isnt the debate thread"

So you basically are intollerant to homosexuals and anyone else who supports them. Good to know.

MK, so its ok for Ben to debate his thoughts but when somebody else debates they're thoughts "This isnt the debate thread"No. Ben stated his thoughts and others tried to start a debate around them (including me). That was wrong. We are supposed to be giving advice, not arguing. If we want to change his mind, we need to try to do so elsewhere. On an aside, I am not intolerant of homosexuals. I think I actually have more gay friends than straight friends. NO MORE FIGHTING. Get back to the topic or we will close the store and go home.

Wow! All of you gave great advice, and I am very grateful!! :) Some of you asked how old my friend is, she just turned 17 last month. She's coming over later this weekend, so I will let her know all of the great advice that you all gave!! I REALLY appreciate all the great feedback!!!

~Kiersten~

Hopefully the feedback will really sink in with her and she'll consider all of her options before she just leaps into anything. I also hope everything works out for her. Life can be difficult, but there is nothing that can't be overcome with time, effort, and support. Keep us updated!

PS. Michelle. My beliefs are my beliefs. Please be tolerant of them.

After I say this, I will say absolutely nothing more on this topic in here: I was tolerating your beliefs. All valid opinion should be tolerated. I understand and am tolerant that you are entitled to your right to not support it or like homosexuality. However, being tolerant of valid opinion and offensive remarks are two entirely different ball parks.

After I say this, I will say absolutely nothing more on this topic in here: I was tolerating your beliefs. All valid opinion should be tolerated. I understand and am tolerant that you are entitled to your right to not support it or like homosexuality. However, being tolerant of valid opinion and offensive remarks are two entirely different ball parks.
I am not trying to debate anything, but "offensive" is a relative term. If you don't like my opinion, that's your problem; but I am free to express that opinion any way I choose.

So, let me get back on point here, and clarify my original advice:

Your friend should tell her parents when she is ready. You or anybody else should not interfere with their parent/child relationship. Parents need to know what is going on with their child so that they can help her to get through each situation regardless of how big or small it is. Parents are ultimately responsible for their children, and they have a right to know what their child is going through. Telling her parents may be her only way to get help.

Not everybody has an open relationship with their parents, and I understand that. But I'd say that most good parents want their kids to come to them first with their problems, and help them work through it.

That's true. The question then becomes, does this girl have good parents? Or does this girl have BAD parents? I just don't want her to have to go through the wringer over this when she just could have kept her mouth shut in the first place. My friend got sent to straight camp against his will and he will have a long road healing from the hatred, distrust, and anger it has sown into his family.

See his blog entries for reasons why I'm saying what I am:

#1 (http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=7428306&blogID=28538026&Mytoken=20050715131036) #2 (http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=7428306&blogID=28610354&Mytoken=20050715131036) #3 (http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=7428306&blogID=29357174&Mytoken=20050715131036) #4 (http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=7428306&blogID=29364299&Mytoken=20050715131036)

Some parents just suck. And maybe she doesn't feel like she needs "help."

Also, going along with what others have said, their families religion needs to be taken into account. Do they practice a religion? Does it condemn homosexuality? Is it neutral to homosexuality? Is it supportive of homosexuality? If they don't have a religion, have they ever mentioned their feelings on homosexuality before? All of this is vital information that should be taken into account on how, where, and when she decides to talk to them.

I would guess maybe this is an appropriate thread to ask this- and keep in mind that I beleive it isnt a choice to be gay- so i'd like responses in that respect.

Is it even necessary to tell the parents? That might be a stupid question at first- but think of it. Assuming from my view- being gay isnt a choice. It just happened. No counseling is gonna turn you the other way. And you (the gay person) have probably tried all you could to understand why this happened to you, what do to about it, how to handle it, etc. Maybe you've come to realize that it isnt really a 'problem'. So why must the parents know? Would it be better to keep them happy and ignorant than to tell them a problem that you have that they cant help you except to say "I support you" (low chance of happening)? Thats just burdening them with something about you (the gay person) that they cant handle. Think about it- what if they knew their child had some problem that could conflict with many people, their jobs, their future, their rights-- and the parents could do little about it other than say "I support you and still love you" (if even that).

And yo- sign your neg reps if you're gonna neg rep me. =<

I believe that in most cases it's certainly a choice to be gay. Justin will even agree with me on this point, as I've heard him agree with me about it before. Like I said earlier, if she feels like she has an open relationship with her parents, by all means she should tell them. It could also be a stage that she is going through in her adolescent life that eventually she will outgrow, so she should consider that as well.

Bottom line is that you, as her friend, should certainly not get involved outside of giving her advice. Let her sort it out with her parents on her own, but certainly do not discourage her from talking to her parents if she feels it is something she needs/wants to do.

The cold, hard facts here are that probably 8 out of 10 parents will love their child unconditionally, and no matter what their child could do or say could never change that. She needs to understand this. If her parents are like most average parents, the above is true.

Bottom line is that you, as her friend, should certainly not get involved outside of giving her advice. Let her sort it out with her parents on her own, but certainly do not discourage her from talking to her parents if she feels it is something she needs/wants to do.

That is very true. Especially do not take it upon yourself to tell her parents yourself. Not that you would, but it really is just about the worst thing that can happen in this situation. If parents want to hear it from anyone, they want to hear it directly from their child. Parents (as anyone would) tend to feel a bit betrayed/hurt when they feel as if they are the last to know about such important matters, and fairly so.

i'm sorry for your friend that she has to be afraid of her own parents. it is sad that in some regions it is still not normal to be gay. but let your friend decide when the right time is. if she has a good relationship to her family it will be easier. is her family very conservative?

best wishes and good luck for your friend

nadine

Bottom line is that you, as her friend, should certainly not get involved outside of giving her advice. Let her sort it out with her parents on her own, but certainly do not discourage her from talking to her parents if she feels it is something she needs/wants to do.
I certainly agree, and I will not get involved other than giving her advice. It's her choice if she tells them or not, and it's her choice whether she takes my advice or not.

P.S- Oh, and I'm sorry if this thread started some sort of debate, that's not what I wanted to happen at all! So, I'm sorry!!

P.S- Oh, and I'm sorry if this thread started some sort of debate, that's not what I wanted to happen at all! So, I'm sorry!! Heh heh. I know! It got pretty crazy. I was about to start deleting posts but I'm glad it's over with. This is the ADVICE forum and I saw nothing "advice-giving" in that little skirmish on the previous page. But don't worry about it. Wasn't your fault. I hope things turn out for the best. I personally agree with the first post on this page (Nemo's).

Even the neg rep bit. :p

for debate needs: Homosexuality: Genetic or Developed (http://www.evboard.com/showthread.php?t=12585)

Kiersy, As long as your friend isn't threatening to kill or commit suicide, there's no reason to tell anybody else as long as she wishes you to keep this confident among selves.

I came out to my sister 2 weeks ago. I thought that letting her know would make me feel better because I've seriously struggled with my sexuality for a while now. I've been really upset about it. I felt like I just wanted to be normal (although now I realize that being bi isn't necessarily abnormal). I just wanted to let someone know how I was feeling. I chose to talk to my sister.. someone who I thought would be mature enough to handle it.

I thought wrong. I absolutely regret telling her. Before I told her I asked her to try to not think of me differently but that didn't happen. I'm so uncomfortable being around her now. I wish I had kept it to myself.

I think you should tell your friend to keep it to herself. Even when I told someone I thought I could trust, my plan backfired. If your friend's parents are the type to not approve of her sexuality, she should think about the consequences. Really, her telling her parents about her sexuality would be like telling her parents about her sexual experiences. They don't have to know.. in fact, it would be best for everyone if they didn't know. Just my opinion..

I have been having this issue. I've been debating it with myself for well over a year if I should tell my parents about my bisexuality. i've been having to frequently minimize this screen as well. Anyway, it has been decided after much self-debate, that I'll tell ONLY if it is necessary, like if I ever get a girlfriend or something. My mom is super homophobic, she cant even stand the fact that I have gay friends. My dad, well, I don't think he really cares. In fact, I think he kinda knows. But like others have said, it depends on what kind of parents you (or in your case, your friend) have.

I'm really worried about even telling my parents even when I get into college, because if they get really angry at me, they can pull away my college savings, its under their names anyway.

My best advice is to start out small. If its really that much of a struggle keeping it in, try to tell your closest friends. Only the ones you trust who AREN'T blabbermouths. I made the mistake in confiding in a blabbermouth.

There is a wonderful message board that could help her out. Its called Girls Who Love Girls (http://www.gwlgonline.com/index.php?). It has alot of advice from people who have been there before. (im sorry, I don't have any guy's links for anything... obviously since I'm not a guy. Sorry :( )

I wish her the best of luck. Hopefully some of this will help. I know alot of it is repeated from what a lot of other people said, but again, I hope this would be of some kind of help to your friend.
--Shaina

Any resolution? Just wondering, since im gay and i was thinking about posting a thread about this (using me as the subject)- but decided not to, heh.

Well, I just thought that I'd give an update. My friend came over for a while yesterday, and she said that she had already decided that she wasn't going to tell them just yet. She wanted to wait until she was at least in a serious relationship, or she knows that she will be able to live on her own. I REALLY REALLY REALLY appreciate all of the advice that all of you gave! You have no idea how much it means to me!! Thanks again!! :)

~Kiersten~

I Myself Haven't told my Parents that I'm gay. And It can be Frustrating at times and IN a way you just wish they already knew and were just pretending. It's a tough thing to work up the courage to do. I admire anyone who has the strength and courage to do it. I Agree to ToB, with the acception of being gay as a choice I find it as much of a choice as your eye colour or gender, that most parents will love you unconditionally no matter what. Honestly, I think there's a need for your parents to know. I know there is for mine and go ahead and call me a hypocrite if you want to, But I believe that parents have a right to know about their child's orientation once their child is One-hundred percent sure they are what they are and that they feel ready to tell their parents.

I think if a parent truly loves their child unconditionally they should accept their child for what he or she does. If they can accept what that child looks and acts like than why should they condemn their orientation?

A Bit of Advice for the young teenagers-

Hey Guys (and Girl's) I just wanted to really make sure this point is kinda taken to heart. Being gay, (even though tons of people love to say is wrong), Its not. Its a part of human nature. Although I really want you guys to understand how hard it is being openly gay. We live in a very fucked up world right now. I really think at yalls age (13-16) you should really think about who you are. Your 13. You think some guy is hot. awesome. BUT that could also be your hormones and stuff making you think that. My best advice is to wait till your at least 16 to decide who you wanna be.

Bunches of Luv =)
~Justin~

In addition to justin's excellent point about the impact of adolescence and age, I'd like to point out that whilst being confused and asking questions about your sexuality is perfectly normal, ask yourself; am I sexually attracted to women/men/both sexes?

You can admire a person's physical appearence and/or their personality and express it without having the slightest hint of sexual attraction to them. If you are unsure about whether your feelings are that of sexual attraction and not just admiration, that's fine. If you don't feel the slightest hint of sexual attraction to a member of the same sex, it's a pretty safe bet that you are not gay.

I think it is best to just tell them... remeber a parent should love their children/ child no matter what;)

My best friend is gay too, and a lot of people (including her parents) suspect that we're a couple, even though I'm straight. If they found out that she was gay, they probably wouldn't let any of her female friends come over anymore and stuff. It would be really bad. So we're kinda trying to figure out the same thing. The main thing is that she has friends who accept her, especially if her parents don't. She has you, but be careful around her other friends too. Some might not be as welcoming, and if she loses friends over it, she might feel really alone. Also, someone else said that it could just be a phase too, depending on how old she is. Many people don't know their sexual orientation for a long time.

As for me and my friend, for the time being we're pretty much just keeping everything low, and if we feel like her parents suspect something, we'll just start talking about hot guys. I know it makes her feel uncomfortable commenting on people she doesn't think are attractive, but it's better than her parents finding out. Chances are if they're really against gay people and suspect their daughter of being gay, they'll try to deny it in any way they can, so just having a little reassurance that she still thinks guys are hot might be just enough. I know it's kinda dishonest, but it's the best I can think of.

Hi:
I don't have any problem with gay people but i write asking for your help.
I got a friend,one of the best, he has been with me in the good and in the bad moments(specially the bad) but i found out that he's gay.
that's not the problem, the problem is that i found out because her sister told me and i saw him with a guy.
but what it kills me is that he hasn't told me, i was supossed to be his friend, he was supossed to have confidence in me, but not.
and that is what disapoints me, of me knowing that he is gay has past one year and he hasn't told me in all this time. I will not reject him, only because he's gay, he's my friend and that's the important.
i know maybe he's not ready but a year has passed, can you help me?
Alonos.

PSD.
he doesn't know that i know he's gay

Hi:
I don't have any problem with gay people but i write asking for your help.
I got a friend,one of the best, he has been with me in the good and in the bad moments(specially the bad) but i found out that he's gay.
that's not the problem, the problem is that i found out because her sister told me and i saw him with a guy.
but what it kills me is that he hasn't told me, i was supossed to be his friend, he was supossed to have confidence in me, but not.
and that is what disapoints me, of me knowing that he is gay has past one year and he hasn't told me in all this time. I will not reject him, only because he's gay, he's my friend and that's the important.
i know maybe he's not ready but a year has passed, can you help me?
Alonos.

PSD.
he doesn't know that i know he's gay
Well, if he didn't tell you and doesn't know that you know... i dont think you SHOULD know. And theres some stuff your best friend wont tell you that will tell others or will tell no one. Theres stuff you'll tell person A but not person B. And theres stuff you'll tell person B but not person A. I don't wanna sound mean or anything but... it's completely fine if he didn't wanna tell you, at all.

Hi:
I don't have any problem with gay people but i write asking for your help.
I got a friend,one of the best, he has been with me in the good and in the bad moments(specially the bad) but i found out that he's gay.
that's not the problem, the problem is that i found out because her sister told me and i saw him with a guy.
but what it kills me is that he hasn't told me, i was supossed to be his friend, he was supossed to have confidence in me, but not.
and that is what disapoints me, of me knowing that he is gay has past one year and he hasn't told me in all this time. I will not reject him, only because he's gay, he's my friend and that's the important.
i know maybe he's not ready but a year has passed, can you help me?
Alonos.

PSD.
he doesn't know that i know he's gay

He probably isn't ready to tell you yet. Most people that are gay are judged because of that and some of them, even by their friends and some of them lose their friends also. So some of them don't bother to tell their friends just yet. Maybe it would be a better idea for you not to say anything. Just let him tell you when he is ready so he is more comfortable when he's telling you. If you just blurt it out to him, I'm sure he will feel a bit uncomfortable.

I'm gay and my friend just came up to me and asked me if I was and how can I be gay and it's a sin, blah blah blah. I felt extremely horrible, but mostly uncomfortable.

Well, I just thought that I'd give an update. My friend came over for a while yesterday, and she said that she had already decided that she wasn't going to tell them just yet. She wanted to wait until she was at least in a serious relationship, or she knows that she will be able to live on her own. I REALLY REALLY REALLY appreciate all of the advice that all of you gave! You have no idea how much it means to me!! Thanks again!! :)

~Kiersten~

I sort of disagree with the not telling parents till she's in a serious relationship part. I think it would have to be more, mom, I'm gay, and let that sink in before saying "mom, by the way, I'm gay, and my girlfriend is coming over for dinner." Even for the most open minded parents it is a hard thing to see their child go through, not because they are opposed to it, but because they don't want to see their children struggle past the obstacles of their sexual orientation. (And I mean that last sentence only about the most open minded kind.)

Anyways, I agree with what SangReal said a few pages back. She has a right to keep it to herself until she is ready to tell her parents and face any possible consequence (I don't mean this in a bad way, just, if her parents think it's terrible or something and want to "punish" her for something).

Hope I helped.
Sophia.

ok, here is the thing, I have a friend that is gay, her name is Sam, and she was having bacally the same problem that your friend is having. So i told her that she didnt need to worry about telling her parents right away, she needs to give it a few weeks or years and just tell them when she's ready. She dont need to worry about it. Cause that is what i did i worried about telling my parents about being gay and it ended up getting really hard on me cause it seemed like i was going crazy. But i eventually told my dad and my step-mom and they didnt have a problem with it. But unfortunatly i havent been able to tell my mom yet, but i plan on it...when im ready...and trust me im nowhere near ready to tell her.! I hope i could help.

~Entwiend

The only advice I think I'd ever give someone who was struggling with the decision to come out is - do it, before someone does it for you.

I never told anyone in my life I was gay, apart from a few trusted friends. Now the only people I know of who DON'T know I'm gay are my grandparents and my biological father.

This is because one of my 'trusted friends' told everyone in my last year of school that I was gay, and soon enough it was everywhere, and it reached my family, and on and on. I never even had the chance to prepare for the impending discussions with my family that happened afterwards.

Just think about it this way - would your family take it better from you, or from a friend, or even a complete stranger who was just trying to get one over on you?

I didn't have too much time to read through everyone's post, so I'll just be brief and I apologize if anyone else already said this. Basically I think that unless she is actually in a relationship with another woman, there is no need to tell her parents about the situation she's in and how she feels about it. She needs to be ready for herself before she's ready to tell her parents.

Okay, I have a best friend, who recently realized that she was gay. The problem is, her parents don't approve of homosexuality. So, she is REALLY worried about how to tell them that she is gay.

She obviously has a fair idea of how her parents would react. I would imagine that they may be disapointed, but they wouldn't love her any less. She is still their daughter, and they'd support her. They may just need time to get over the initial shock.

She's mostly afraid that they would disown her, and then she would have nowhere to stay.


If your friends parents would truely disown over something like this, she wouldn't even consider telling them. I doubt her parents would disown her, if they love her, they'd accept her for who she is.

I just need advice as to what to tell her to tell her parents, or at least give her an idea of what/how to tell them.

I can't give you any ideas, it is up to her how she choses to approach them. She should have a fair idea of how she will tell them. It is better to go in prepared. She should remember that although they may seem angry, it is just shock. It's doubtful her parents even suspect she is gay. They will get over it.

Also, perhaps your friend should wait to tell her parents until she is in a relationship? If she tells her parents she is gay, but isn't, or has never been, in a reltionship with a woman, it would be so easy for her parents to turn around and say 'Well, if you have never had a girlfriend, how do you know you are gay?' This could be difficult for her to work around.

If you friend has any problems, there are plenty of helplines she can call for help. You seem like a great friend to have, Kiersy Lynn.:)

In my opinion your friend should NOT tell her parents. Wait until she is financally secure, finished highschool etc... until she tells her parents. If she tells her parents the truth about her sexuality when she still needs a place to live or whatever, and they react the way she thinks they will--then there isnt too much to worry about. :o

At the moment she should use them until she has no need for them anymore then tell them the truth. If they are fine with it, well...everything if good. If they over react and go crazy, she has a back up plan and can move away, never needing to give her parents a second though. :D

Another thing she could do is not tell them...though that could backfire in the future when and if she ever gets married, or wants to introduce her girlfriend.;)