I'm at my keyboard typing away. I'm not abstaining from what I normally do, even with the start of the yearly summer camp just a mere four hours away. I'm at a desk I can type on without straining my back or getting really mad at for not being the one I normally use. I have come to many realizations about my life since departing St. Louis two weeks ago tomorrow. I went to visit my mom, whom I see maybe ten times a year. She lives 560 miles away in a small town in Michigan. Those who live in Michigan would wonder why I find solice in such a depressing, boring state, which it indeed is. It's not really about the place, I'd say, it's about the people you are with.

I'm typing this thing because, well, I'm here. I'm at the building I've thought of as home since 1989...and it's not really my home. I'm an ambitious guy with zero motivation. It seems such a waste these past nine years living my incorrigable dad, whom is one of the most manipulative people I've ever known, yet I still love unconditionally. Is that family? Loving those who have screwed you over for so long? I traveled ten hours in a van, stopping once in Indianapolis. It was my cousin Danny, my brother Steve, my mom Teri, my step-dad Tom, and our two year old Welsh corgi we call Shooter.

You really never forgive someone for using you as a pawn, which is something my father has done, and I'm not sure if he knows he's done it. We had made a deal...one of which I regret...that dad would take care of my two brothers and I while my mother finished school. No, to him, it was a victory to his conceited little mind that he got the kids. He doesn't even own the house I am in. He rents it out. So, you wonder why I spent nine years of an already thirteen-year-old divorce come November, in a house my dad doesen't give two shits about? I've been wondering that myself. Mom, days before coming into town to drive us those ten hours, finally finished college, something she's done off and on for longer than I remember. She has motivation now, but no ambition. She's worked all her life, and now because work is gone, her kids are grown, and she's 600 miles away...you wonder how you could do this to your own mother?

With nothing but time, possibility, and an open, loving heart...why am I here? Acceptance is why. I never, ever thought in a million years a parent would do this to their kids...keep them from their mother. On my trip, which consisted of long, boring days of nothingness, only changed by the occasional trip...I had nothing but time to think. When you go through these thoughts with nothing but free time...you get scary. While laying in my brother's bed which was mine for the twelve days, fresh off fighting with my mother and my girlfriend, I accepted that the toll taken on me involving my family and my disorder and everything in between was affecting me negatively.

I am indeed depressed, even though for the longest time the signals were clear...and I had therapy that only lasted two weeks...and my mother's hereditary affect on my psyche, considering her own depression. Bouts of alcoholism on both sides of my family, which is its own form of depression. I haven't felt like myself for thirteen years, considering 1992 was probably the most detrimental years I've been witness to. I made quite a few discoveries during my trip. The genuine heart and pain my mother has...the reasoning and motives behind my dad's too-far-along-to-save personality...what I go through as a person just to stay sane in a crazy world.

But am I down about all this? Do I regret anything before these revelations? No. To me, problems are just segways into learning from the past to benefit the future. Without the realization of fault, you can't force yourself to change. You just can't change what isn't there, in your mind. I won't be going to summer camp this year. Every year I come home with a sadness...as if I'm an outcast, even around people who deal with what I do. I'm older, and I need to figure things out before it destroys me. Going there would only be a negative, considering the ones who keep me strong would have had no contact with me whatsoever.

The magic is gone, and to me, it isn't a jaded mess of 'Oh God, it's so boring.' It's just me finally realizing I need to make myself happy because not dealing with what you blindly ignore for so long is just prolonging your own personal strife. If you made it through this rambling, jumbled, glorified thought, never look to your past as a beacon of your present emotions...only as an anchor, still holding on the sea floor as the ship sinks. The past never changes, but the present and future does, and the only one who can control that for you is yourself.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Scott, you are indeed an inspiration to us all. Theres really not much I can say to this, but it hurts me that your depressed. Seeing a good friend like you go through this isnt all that easy. Goodness knows you do deserve the best in life. I hope the best for you and remember to never give up no matter what. The ones who love you will help you through this all, this is why if you ever need me, you know I'm here for you. <3
-Jessica

wow that was a little confusing...but i get the message and i totally agree with you! you shouldnt hold onto the past i find it only hurts you more! i hope you feel better soon i know how bad depression is and it sucks major ass :( like i said i hope you feel better and if you want to know how i know what depression is like go ahead and ask i dont mind :D it shouldnt be able to hurt me its in the past and the past is what im letting go of! you just really helped me here XD just toss me a pm or im me on msn if you need to talk yes i may be 13 but i have even helped my mom who is (should i be saying this) 44 through tough times

I know we're not supposed to repeat what others are saying here, however I find that it is important to know as many people as possible that are willing and able to help you out, especially with regard to depression.

Basically, what I'm getting at is that if you need to talk or vent or scream or just be in silence with someone else around, you can IM me on MSN or PM me and I'll get back to you asap.

I know you don't know me and it's often strange to have unknowns telling you it's ok to ask them for help, but all during my depression and even now when I start to slip back into old habits I often turn to those I have met online who I feel understand me more than those I live with and see every day in the "real" world.

That's about all I have to say right now. Drop me a line if you want to.

It really takes a strong person to admit the fact that they are, indeed, depressed. I don't know what you're going through, and neither will anyone else, just to make that clear. I do sincerely hope that you can, somehow, get through your disorder. I'm sorry about all the shit that you've been through, and how it has affected you. Like you said, don't let the past hold you back; keep going!

Scott,

Thank you for sharing this with us, and maybe you do not want someone to intone with zeal that they "understand", but I do. No I have not been through what you have been through, my life has set me different challenges. But I face the depression beast daily and have done so now for many years. At numerous times, I thought that it would be my undoing, but it has not proven to be so. I too, have a family history of depression, mental illness and alcoholism so I am a prime canditate for dysthmia. It's probably why I have been depressed for as long as I can rememeber.

Holding on the past is a huge waste of time I have found, even if that past is rather traumatic, you have to move forward unshackled, otherwise you will never truly be free of what it is that has haunted you so. We are but the sum of our experiences, and with this firmly in mind, I push forward knowing that my past and what others have done to me should not and does not define me. It is what I choose to do with that that does.

Blessings

Ava

I have learned the only way not to hold on to the past is to forgive it.
Forgive yourself if you think you have wronged someone or yourself. Forgive those who have wronged you. Forgiveness does not mean acceptance or that you will ever forget what has happened but it does make it easier to move away from all you can't leave behind.

In my life one of the people I feel wronged me is my mother's oldest sister. I stayed with her for awhile when I was 16 and in alot of trouble where we had been living. I was not there for punishment as she believed but to get my head straight. She said and did alot of things that were unforgivable for many years but slowly I learned to let it go. I still feel angry at the memories even though I have agreed to forgive her so I try not to dwell on any of it.
She is not a monster nor is she perfect. I just need to remember this. We all make mistakes or bad judgement calls. Taking on a rebellious 16 year old could not have been easy for her either.
I learned alot from my time with her. It was not easy but I grew up and changed so much from the way I had been when I first moved in with her.
So for all the damage she did do, alot of good came out it as well.
We are the people we've become today because of the things experienced yesterday.
Scott, I know you will get through this. You are a fighter and a survivor. *hugs*

Scott...that post left me honestly speechless. In a world where so many of us worry and beat ourselves up over small issues, you are one of the few that has accepted and worked with what you have. I believe that you are, quite possibly, the wisest person I know. And I truly belive that if more people were like you, the world would be so much more harmonious than it is.

It's been said, but you are an inspiration to all of us. Thank you for your insight. *hugs* <3

Scott. I'm going to hug you SO freekin' hard when I see you next month!! Ok. Maybe not that hard, but you're still gonna get a BigMommaQueenie Hug!! Can't wait to meet you in person, my friend!! :)

Scott, I honestly feel like there is something special between you and I. Everything you've said here, and to me personally reminds me so much of the way I used to feel. So much. That conversation we had the other day (as well as the countless others in the past) will not soon be forgotten by me. You are wise beyond you years. But I know we both still have a lot to learn. Take from each experience what you can, like I've always told you. Let nothing kill you. You are strong...Everything that happens will only make you stronger. Use your experiences to create advice for yourself. I can see you alwready beginning to do so. I love you more than you will ever know.

No. To me, problems are just segways into learning from the past to benefit the future. Without the realization of fault, you can't force yourself to change. You just can't change what isn't there, in your mind. I won't be going to summer camp this year. Every year I come home with a sadness...as if I'm an outcast, even around people who deal with what I do. I'm older, and I need to figure things out before it destroys me. Going there would only be a negative, considering the ones who keep me strong would have had no contact with me whatsoever.

Even with the realization of fault its still a struggle to change, mothers and fathers during a divore almost always use their kids to get back at one another. It's as comon as divorce itself in the US. Its childish, of the parents and at times the children are the mature ones during the divorce.

I think you need to relize that its not about figuring things out its about dealing with them, because most things you can't change including yourself but being able to deal with situations does make you a stronger person. As far as your Depression, I am a strong believer that pills nor psychitrist are the answer, I think its a lot about time, working on coping skills and the support of others. I appears that on this board you have people pulling for you in fact I hope the best as well, so just remember that in a way you are lucky and embrace the support but don't feel bad about people helping its their choice. I don't know if this helps or not but I wish you luck

I agree with you both to some extent.

You have to figure out things realistically. You have to see the difference between dreams and reality. I am a dreamer. I am the biggest dreamer you will ever meet. And that is enough for me. I am well aware of reality, though I am very good at straying from it when I need to. I know many of the things I want in life are not possible anymore...And I'm okay with that. So yes, we have to figure things out...But more importantly we have to justify reality for ourselves.

As the old saying goes, we can never see the future because we insist at looking at it through the rear-view mirror.