how do i start?....

ok so my name is kelly i am nearly 17, and i am five months preganant with my boyfriend chris's baby.
me and chris have benn together for 2 and a half yeras. a few months ago he started to act really immature, for example going out with his mates 24/7 smoking weed. i told him i wasnt having it especially wien the baby is born.
i got really fed up of just beeing at his house on my won, so i started to hang out with one of his mates damien who is 25. we started to get real close, now we are seeing eachother, he split up with his girlfriend of 4 and a half years just to be with me. he is willing to take on the baby aswell.
i met up with damien last night, he had a suitcase in the back of his car and told me he couldnt cope with everything anymore ( his mum has cancer its really getting him down ) he said he is going to cornwall for a few weeks to stay with some mates just to get away from things for awhile, he asked me to go with him, but i couldnt do that to my family, just run away for while. so he said he loves me etc and if i miss him close my eyes and he will be woth me... when a song came on his stero he turned it up and said to me listen to the words, the words were..."goodbye sweet love of my life, im sorry to do this but i love you girl more then life, i may be doing wrong but in the end it will all be alright" i thought that was sweet,

BUT this is where the problem starts, i went to see my midwife the other day and chris came, he was listning to the babys heartbeat and his face just lit up. after that i relized how much i really wanted to raise this kid with him.
i though it would be easier to break things off wth damien rather then chris.
so this morning i text damion saying, " i know i am prob about to make a big mistake, but i feel so responsiable for splitting you away from your family, i cant do this anymore, i cant leave chris as much as i want to be with you, im so sorry to do this to you" he rang me up bascially crying saying that he feels so used and hurt, he couldnt understand y i did that. then he said that he had nothing to live for now, what with his mum and now loosing me. then he hung up. he txt me a min ago saying he feels so hurt and misses me, i txt back saying that i still love him , my mind is all over the place i need time to think. he hasnt txt back.

im really confused, i dont know what to do. even if i wanted to be with damien , my dad already told me if i went with him he would even go to prison just to see damien dead....what a good example to set for your daughter! so ... yeh thats about it, and im really lost and confused.

thanks so much for listning to me, i just needed to get it all out...so thanks xxx

First of all, I think considering to leave Chris for Damien was something you shouldn't have done at all. You're pregnant and you now have responsibilities, more than ever before. Thinking about being with Damien would just make your case even more complicated, for everyone. Just don't get it started. Sometimes, you have to put your feelings aside to fullfill your priorities.

I know you would have loved being with him, but don't you think it's wrong too? If it wasn't for the baby, I would have said: yeah, why not. Your boyfriend doesn't seem to pay much attention anyway. That responsibility thing counts for him too, definitely. There's no good in running off with some guy you may fall out of love with, while being pregnant. Plus, what I get from your post is that you have a genuine bond with your actual boyfriend; which is in my eyes stronger than the one you have with Damien.

Don't give Chris all the blame for being with his friends all the time though. He's going to have to face parentship, and losing his freedom. Quite something to get used to, IMO. Especially for a guy.

What I'd suggest you to do is to deal with this situation the best you can. You're in it, so lets make the best of it. Get Damien to face his upcoming responsibilities, first of all. Try to strenghten your relationship with him. You'll both need it more than you know.

Concerning your feelings for Damien and his, try to keep in touch the most you can. Please do not leave him behind, not that I could dare to say you'd ever do that. For his own sake, and for your pleasure. BUT, both of you should try to look at one another differently. The whole love-ish relationship is not what I'd recommend you to have still. I can't tell you how to look at him, but you know getting into a serious relationship with him is going to cost you more trouble.

EDIT: Don't make any crucial decisions about your love life (leaving Damien for Chris) until the baby is born. I strongly believe your relationship with Chris will be even stronger when your precious will have arrived :)

You are 16 and have your whole life ahead of you. I would advise you not to rush into anything with either man right now. There is nothing wrong with raising a baby on your own. Chris is the baby's father, but that does not mean you have to marry and spend the rest of your life with him.

Remember, your life is not your own any more. Everything you do has to be what is best for your baby. Is having a pothead around all the time best? This guy Damien does not sound too stable either.

my point is, being the best mom you can be may involve putting personal feelings aside, because you MUST do what is best for the baby. What if you and Damien get together, and he decides things with you are "too hard", and takes off and leaves you. Furthermore, he is 25, and quite frankly should with a girl his own age, not telling his friend's pregnant girlfriend that he loved her.

I know this is harsh, but you have to look at this objectively. Neither of these men seems to be good for your child. How can you possible determine at 16 who you want to spend the rest of your life with?

I wish you all the best with the baby. Pregnant or not, I would not advise any 16-year old to commit to another person. Be your own person, raise your baby, and when the time is right a few years from now, you will know who is right for you and your baby.

I don't think you should commit to a relationship right now. I think you should step back, take a look at everything, and concentrate on yourself and your baby. I think you should give the baby's father every opportunity to be involved, since it seems he wants to be now. Maybe he just started being immature because he was stressed, because getting ready to be a father is probably not that easy. Give him another chance to be involved with the baby.
I think the whole thing with Damien is just disturbing. What kind of person leaves a 4 year relationship to be with his friend's pregnant girlfriend? And what kind of person does that make YOU, to allow that to happen? You wouldn't want someone to do that to you, if you were the girlfriend of 4 years. And do you want your baby around his influence? The child will grow up and think it's okay to act like trailer trash, because he was around to set that example. Sorry if it sounds harsh, and I'm not trying to be mean, but this is how I see it. I hope you get everything worked out in the best interest of your baby AND yourself.

I wouldn't leave Chris. He is going to be the father of your baby, and I don't think it would be right for you to leave him.

As for Damien, nothing should've happened between you guys. I don't tend to sound mean here, but he is Chris's friend and Damien shouldn't have done what he did. I don't see why Damien was acting like he did. He should also realize that you are the mother of a baby, and he should know that the baby has a father and the father is Chris.

If I were you I would still be with Chris.

I hope everything works out for you.

first i have to agree to the others: you have a baby and you have to be careful. you are quite young for a mother but nevertheless there are a lot of responsibilities. if i were you i would be angry at chris , too because he acted immature. it is silly because he is going to be a father. but you should not start a kind of relationship with a friend of him. it is good that you have told daniem that you want to be with chris. what i dont understand is that daniem acted so...selfish. of course he is sad but i think he knew that you are pregnant and that his friend is the father of your child.

i hope you can manage this problem and good luck for you and your child!
nadine

the 12th of august... a day i never want to relive...i sat there and litened to my dad tell my mum how im ruining his life, and that if my parents ever split up, then it will be my falt ??? all because i stuck up for my self, my dad thinks he is the "powerful" one. i told him how he was nothing, he was an angry, violent man, i told him he was pethetic thretning to kill damien, and what a good example that is to set for your daughter.

i feel like a failer,....12th august ... the day i relized i am going to loose chris wether i wanted to or not. he is proberly out sleeping with someone else , which i have heard he is aleady doing.....

my dad is so far up chris's ass he wont even talk to his own daughter. my mum is the only one standing by me.

my dad is treating me like i am 8 years old, he took my moblie phone away, ( i fought him for it :P) even though i brought it with my own money, bastard... he said if i didnt let him have it for awhile he would go kill damien now...WHAT A PRICK! juat so i cant contact dig :( i feel so good though for the first time in like 16 years i stood up to my father.

right now i swear i would make peole happier if i didnt exsist. ive messed up so many peoples lives. the only place i feel calm is when im dreaming....

12th august....the day everyone stopped caring about me.....

Not everyone stopped caring about you. You said your mom still stands by you. And I bet a lot of people on this board will try their best to help you. And since it doesn't look like chris or damien will be in the picture, maybe a really good guy friend or a cousin could fill in and be a positive father figure for your child. And do you know if your baby is a boy or a girl yet?? I'm just wondering.

It might seem at the moment your family does not love you but I'm sure everything they are doing is because they do love you.You sound very confused and a bit out of control plus you are seeing a guy many years older than yourself. It is natural they are not having it at the moment.
Damien is 25 and also not the baby's father. I think they would like to see your child have the biological father in its life as much as possible.
Point blank, Damien crossed a line when he came between Chris, the father of your baby and yourself.
If I was your Dad I would wonder about his intentions also. What does a guy his age want with a 16/17 year old girl? I highly doubt your father will actually risk prison by killing this guy. He is more than likely worried Damien will mess up your life in the long run.
Right now your main focus should be on your child. Your life is about to change in so many ways. As is your parents. They are going to be grandparents to your baby probably alot earlier in life than they had possibly anticipated.
I don't mean to sound rude but cut them some slack. This is a huge adjustment period for all of you. Your dad sounds more like an overprotective father than a murderer.
Try not to stress so much dear, it is terrible for the baby. Being as young as you are could already complicate your pregnancy. That little person you are carrying within is the most important thing you need to consider.
I wish you and your family the best of luck. May your baby bring you much joy.
Hopefully Chris comes to his senses and realizes he is about to become a father.You do have a child that bonds you together. It may not mean a future together in the romantic sense but he will always be apart of your life in one way or another. I would imagine he is hurt right now about you getting with his friend. If he is sleeping around or partying too much it is up to him to get his act together. Again , I wish ya the best.

thanks you so much that means a lot to me. my dad still isnt talking to me, he is going away tomarrow for a week to spain for work so that will give us time apart! i got my 2nd scan in 2 days i will find out the sex then, il let you all know! thanks again xxxxxx

oook....update.

i spoke to chris tonight... he didnt come over when he said he was going to ( for scan tomarrow) i rang him he was like i really cant be doing with this anymore... the only thing i care about is the baby... ive given up caring about you..... so we called our relationship aday.

i told my mum about damien, she was like he sounds ok... just take it easy, talk to your dad, tell him what chris is really like he will understand even if not then he cant stop you...

i really am hurting right now.. to hear from someone who you have been with for 2 and a half years suddenly dosnt care about you...

drugs have changed chris so much i dont even know him now....i just glad i got out the relationship now rather then later....

tomarrow i have to face ANOTHER scan with out him....but... it will all be ok, even damien was like il ring you after your scan just to make sure everythin g is ok, he is not even the dad, chris prob isnt even comming to it, well he said i fhe an be assed wiich is no then in his case, due to the face that he is too obsessed with drugs to care about it, he prob wont even reamber....

sorry i am proberly going on about shit here but i just need to clear my head....
tnx if you read this! xxxxxxxx thank you all xxxxxxxx

Hey, I am really sorry to hear about all the streess you are under. I think you should just sit down and try to explain to your dad and just try to think ahead. And not just for you but this child. Godd luck. If you want someone to talk to you could just pm if you like,. And good luck with everything.

Hi Angel. I am really sorry that you're having to live through all of this. I don't know how prepared you are to be a mother, but it certainly sounds like Chris isn't prepared to be a father. I know that I wouldn't have been at that age.

This may not be the advice that you would like to hear or talk about, but it's something that you should really consider and ask yourself about. Would you and your baby both be better off if you put him or her up for adoption? There are many loving couples who can't have children of their own and would be honored to raise yours as their own. I know that the thought of being away from your baby can't be easy, but maybe years from now your child might try to reunite with you.

Sometimes a true act of love isn't doing just what makes us feel good, but what truly helps those whom we love. Parents have to do that all the time. Just something to consider, Angel. No matter what your decision is, all of us on the Board are hoping for the best for you.

These things always work out in the end, and it sounds to me like Damien is the one you really want to be with anyway, and you were only going to stay with Chris for your baby's sake.

I also think that Chris could have just said that to you becuase he was cracking under the pressure etc? If he really did mean it, then I'm sorry. Just be careful you don't rush into anything really serious with Damien straight away.

I’ve been postponing posting in this thread. I really wanted to get a sense of what was going on before I posted anything.

The Chris issue seems somewhat resolved. The only thing I will say is that you cannot blame the drugs, his friends, or yourself for his change in behavior. I believe whole heartedly that it is his decision to do drugs, to miss your appointments, and to treat you any way that he chooses. Now that he seems set on wanting to know about the child and not you things will be complicated. I personally believe that it is practically impossible for a relationship to exist between a father and child when he assumes that all will be well if he cares only about “his” baby. The fact of the matter is, there has to be a relationship. And that isn’t to say that there has to be a loving relationship. But you’ll have to communicate, and feel comfortable doing so. And as for excluding others from “being with you” because Chris is the father. I really don’t believe in that. You neither have to get married to, speak to, or ever see Chris again. A father a child has never known isn’t a father to them… it isn’t Daddy. You also don’t have to “choose” Chris over some other guy, because of the fact that he is your child’s father. Relationships happen and they falter the person that needs to be a constant in your child’s life is you. Although it is preferable to have a male in the equation, your father can fill that void for the time being, or any other close male relative for that matter.

As for Damien. I’m surprised as how people can view relationships between a 17 year old (since you stated you are nearly 17) and a 25 year old. Although I can imagine how parents would be afraid that their daughter would be exploited, or hurt somehow by an older man, they often forget that within a century there were arranged marriages between 12-15 year olds and 50 year olds. Or that famous individuals such as Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen have been courted by guys who are 23 and up… or perhaps since turning 18 that one of the sisters is dating a 40 year old. I personally don’t understand how people can presume that a year can do so much. I’ve known 25 year olds who lack any maturity and 16 year olds who are wiser then 50 year olds. I wouldn’t concentrate so much on age, I’d rather ask how he treats you and if you feel comfortable around him, knowing that he’ll most probably be one of the first guys your child will be around. Also, would he wait around? Because even now before your child is born your priorities have changed, your romantic life and heart have to take a backseat to your responsibilities as a mother.

With the issue of adoption, fostering, or any other type of sending off of a child because of the mother’s age, I have to disagree. I don’t personally think it is our place to judge or question your abilities since we’ve never met you, and you’ve never had to raise a child. Your parents seem supportive, although at times they might seem a little on edge. This is a big change for them as it is for you. It’s just something that needs time. I believe that any choices you would have made about giving up your baby would have been made by now. I personally don’t advocate for adoption. Mainly because there is only one adoption that I know of that has turned out well. My mother was adopted by a woman who was/is not stable emotionally and that resulted in 2 generations of basket cases. Some friends have turned out emotionally damaged and still to this day feel that they are unwanted. If anything I believe the mother should be involved with the child in whatever way. But the plain truth is that a lot of adoptive parents would feel weird having you as a member of their family, and you can’t guarantee that arrangements will still be as they were when the child is 6, 10, 15 years old.

I personally think you need to worry about making plans for your future as opposed to relationships with guys, how your dad is feeling at the present moment or a biological father who is probably extremely confused right now. Try to focus on being healthy for the rest of your pregnancy and try to have a bit more fun with it. Try to make arrangements with friends as to when you’ll meet up after your baby is born. This will change the amount of time you are able to get out, and it would be good to have a set time when you will try to meet up with friends. Try to make it something that can be quiet, and most likely include your child… good old slumber parties are always an option. If you haven’t found one already, try to find a support group for young mothers. You might not be in dyer need for counseling at the moment, but it might be something to consider which will help you cope with being a new mother.

Good Luck.

M.

I’ve been postponing posting in this thread. I really wanted to get a sense of what was going on before I posted anything.

The Chris issue seems somewhat resolved. The only thing I will say is that you cannot blame the drugs, his friends, or yourself for his change in behavior. I believe whole heartedly that it is his decision to do drugs, to miss your appointments, and to treat you any way that he chooses. Now that he seems set on wanting to know about the child and not you things will be complicated. I personally believe that it is practically impossible for a relationship to exist between a father and child when he assumes that all will be well if he cares only about “his” baby. The fact of the matter is, there has to be a relationship. And that isn’t to say that there has to be a loving relationship. But you’ll have to communicate, and feel comfortable doing so. And as for excluding others from “being with you” because Chris is the father. I really don’t believe in that. You neither have to get married to, speak to, or ever see Chris again. A father a child has never known isn’t a father to them… it isn’t Daddy. You also don’t have to “choose” Chris over some other guy, because of the fact that he is your child’s father. Relationships happen and they falter the person that needs to be a constant in your child’s life is you. Although it is preferable to have a male in the equation, your father can fill that void for the time being, or any other close male relative for that matter.

As for Damien. I’m surprised as how people can view relationships between a 17 year old (since you stated you are nearly 17) and a 25 year old. Although I can imagine how parents would be afraid that their daughter would be exploited, or hurt somehow by an older man, they often forget that within a century there were arranged marriages between 12-15 year olds and 50 year olds. Or that famous individuals such as Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen have been courted by guys who are 23 and up… or perhaps since turning 18 that one of the sisters is dating a 40 year old. I personally don’t understand how people can presume that a year can do so much. I’ve known 25 year olds who lack any maturity and 16 year olds who are wiser then 50 year olds. I wouldn’t concentrate so much on age, I’d rather ask how he treats you and if you feel comfortable around him, knowing that he’ll most probably be one of the first guys your child will be around. Also, would he wait around? Because even now before your child is born your priorities have changed, your romantic life and heart have to take a backseat to your responsibilities as a mother.

With the issue of adoption, fostering, or any other type of sending off of a child because of the mother’s age, I have to disagree. I don’t personally think it is our place to judge or question your abilities since we’ve never met you, and you’ve never had to raise a child. Your parents seem supportive, although at times they might seem a little on edge. This is a big change for them as it is for you. It’s just something that needs time. I believe that any choices you would have made about giving up your baby would have been made by now. I personally don’t advocate for adoption. Mainly because there is only one adoption that I know of that has turned out well. My mother was adopted by a woman who was/is not stable emotionally and that resulted in 2 generations of basket cases. Some friends have turned out emotionally damaged and still to this day feel that they are unwanted. If anything I believe the mother should be involved with the child in whatever way. But the plain truth is that a lot of adoptive parents would feel weird having you as a member of their family, and you can’t guarantee that arrangements will still be as they were when the child is 6, 10, 15 years old.

I personally think you need to worry about making plans for your future as opposed to relationships with guys, how your dad is feeling at the present moment or a biological father who is probably extremely confused right now. Try to focus on being healthy for the rest of your pregnancy and try to have a bit more fun with it. Try to make arrangements with friends as to when you’ll meet up after your baby is born. This will change the amount of time you are able to get out, and it would be good to have a set time when you will try to meet up with friends. Try to make it something that can be quiet, and most likely include your child… good old slumber parties are always an option. If you haven’t found one already, try to find a support group for young mothers. You might not be in dyer need for counseling at the moment, but it might be something to consider which will help you cope with being a new mother.

Good Luck.

M.

thank you so much, everything you said made so much sense. i too am up against adoption. i know it was maybe an option but i couldnt do it....this baby will have ever lasting love from me, my family, and i know chris will love it too, i spoke to him last night, he was really concerned with the scan. (i have to go back for a rescan in september because my baby has a big belly. they think it is simply she had a full baldder but they just want to make sure, she said its prob nothing though..oh yeh she also said she thinks it is a girl :P ) me and damien are taking things slow,i still love chris but last night when he begged me back on the phone i thought about it, and i KNOW it will be the same after a few weeks...i told him for now i just want to stay the way we are.. he understood. which is a good start!

thanks for the age thing, i dont see a problem with the age either, due to the fact that it is only 8 years, and between my nan and her partner there are like 15 years :O

thank you again....fingers crossed for "lillys" tummy going down..

xxxxxx

here are some scan pics!
in this one she looks evil lol ! you can see her eyes and her arm by her head. looks like she is frowning !
http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b256/spongebob_rocks/File0003.jpg

in this one you an just see her top half!
http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b256/spongebob_rocks/File0005.jpg

Aww pictures! =)
Even though you're going through a hard time, I think seeing your daughter growing and growing brings you strength, and happiness. I hope things will look up soon. I still stay behind what I said in my first post here. Good luck! :)

You've chosen a lovely name btw, just gorgeous.