Well, I've had this problem for a while yet, for maybe about a year after I met this person. Let me start out by saying... no one's born this way, correct? You have to learn by observing others to have such hate towards something or someone, right? Well... I just don't know what to do with this.

The friend I'm talking about is a 13-year-old female from one of the major cities in Florida, and... she's a racist. Then again, she's much more than a racist, for she doesn't even recognize her drastic prejudice, and that her racism only points towards African-Americans and no one else. I mean, other than this, she's pretty tolerant and accepting, and definitely a good person with a great personality, but I don't know what the deal is with her hatred!

Basically... this girl has a whole lot of arrogance aswell. Well, atleast she's arrogant enough to go posting on a public blog that anyone can see and start whining about how much she thinks African-Americans suck... and she didn't exactly use acceptable words either. I mean, would you honestly consider the 'N' word acceptable? Just from seeing, hearing, or even thinking about that word honestly makes me so awful that I go into a silent fit of rage.

Well, fits of rage aren't good, but the main reason why I get so angry is because of my background. Aswell as being French and Dutch, I come from Irish, African, and Hebrew descent. Yeah, you might think that's just an excuse, but I have family history with hate. I have relatives who died in Auschwitz back in World War II, and that's the most I even know about these relatives. Then, more elaborately, my ancestors on my paternal grandmother's side of the family came to America from Ireland back during the potato famine, and only a few of them survived in order to get on that ship.

So... I've really had it up to here with this person, but I'm just worried because if other people she knows besides her suscribers see her blog, they might beat the crap out of her really badly. Infact, a lot of my friends have already seen it, and... it's definitely not coming out pretty. Is there any way possible that I can help change this girl before something really bad happens to her? You can't just let more hate advance, can you? I don't want her to finally recognize the consequences the bad way...

No one's born this way, correct? You have to learn by observing others to have such hate towards something or someone, right?


As you're nearly saying yourself, there's always an influence. Whether it's things that took place in her life; people, no one is born racist. That's a fact.

Her racism only points towards African-Americans and no one else.

That's really weird. Tough I think it's only strengthens the fact that it is probably because of a certain situation in her life that made her hate African-Americans. I really don't see, nor do I think it's impossible anyone influenced her that way that she'd only hate them in particular. Or it's something that happened to a loved one.


Basically... this girl has a whole lot of arrogance aswell. Well, atleast she's arrogant enough to go posting on a public blog that anyone can see and start whining about how much she thinks African-Americans suck... and she didn't exactly use acceptable words either. I mean, would you honestly consider the 'N' word acceptable? Just from seeing, hearing, or even thinking about that word honestly makes me so awful that I go into a silent fit of rage.

I hate arrogance more than anything. Argh. She's got nerve ;) She obviously isn't aware of what she's doing.

So... I've really had it up to here with this person, but I'm just worried because if other people she knows besides her suscribers see her blog, they might beat the crap out of her really badly. Infact, a lot of my friends have already seen it, and... it's definitely not coming out pretty. Is there any way possible that I can help change this girl before something really bad happens to her? You can't just let more hate advance, can you? I don't want her to finally recognize the consequences the bad way...

How to help her. Find out about her arguments that build her hatred against Afro-Americans. There must me one major reason. Deal with the cause if you want your problem to be solved ;)

What I see as a problem as well, is that, even if it's cruel to be racist, is that those people who are offended by her might not know there is a fair reason for her hatred (it's only a theory) Ever thought of rape, etc? Maybe a person did wrong to a relative of hers and hates them for that? There's plenty of theories.

People always whine about how some generalize races, but imagine that (e.g.) you were raped by someone by a certain race. Wouldn't people of the same race remind you of that one person? Of course they would. To generalize in that sitation is completely human. For cases that don't come close to this at all, I understand the whining. If it's related to hurting...I might show a lil bit understanding for that girl. Doesn't mean I agree with her state of mind.

There's not much else you can do for her, really. It's not your fault he's being fucking arrogant. She'll have to deal with the consequences of her acts, though I understand your concern. Find out the why, erase the why, and there you go.

Well, first you have to look at why she may be racist.

Is it because of the area that she lived in prior? Perhaps people there were racist. Perhaps she had bad experiences with African American kids there and that's why she's racist.

How do her parents or extended family (if they are around) feel about this? Do they gladly accept it and are they the ones that are putting these messages into her head? Are they trying to stop it themselves, because that's very important. Her family should be a major influence in what she thinks, does, or says.

I'm surprised she's even your friend considering you mention that you come from some sort of African background.

There used to be a "one drop" rule which said that if you, your parents or grandparents mixed with an African American, you were African-American regardless of any other race. Racemixing was NOT acceptable and you could have been a victim of violence.

Whatever happens, this is definitely not something you're going to be able to change overnight.

You've got to find out about your friend and why she feels the way she does before you can go about trying to help her change.

Basically, exactly what the member above me was trying to say.

Well, the thing is that I've asked her if they ever did anything to her, and she would tell me if something bad happened... but none of the black kids had. She just thinks they're annoying and what she pretty much does is put them all into a stereo-type that they're all poor, "gangsta", and dirty... which I definitely know isn't true. She did say that they all hate her, but I kinda see why... even without the hateful language, she cowers around towards them. I'm guessing that it might have something to do with her parents that got her to be this way. Yet, her parents don't know anymore than 3/4 of the stuff she does these days, and her parents think that just the word "damn" is unacceptable, so... I'm guessing it's something else. I'm gonna see what her friends think, actually.

But yeah, I will keep the two of you (aswell as others who will post advice) in mind when I make my decisions. Again, I don't want anything really bad to happen to her, yet I don't want this behaviour to continue into adulthood. Thank you. :D

have you ever told your friend how her racism makes you feel? have you ever asked her why she feels this way towards African Americans?

Ultimately, if someone decides to physically react towards her racism, it is not your problem. Isn't her racism also an insult to you.

I would simply tell her to "cut the bull" next time she goes on a racist rant. Ask her why she think she is so much better than them, what gives her the right to judge others based on their skin, and furthermore, that no one really cares about her opinion. She has the right to post whatever she wants in her blog, and that's that. But you should make sure you distance yourself from her. You don't want people thinking you share her views.

you are right that this behavior is LEARNED. Someone taught her to think this way, and really, you will probably not have much success in changing her racist views. Much like political views and religion, racism is ingrained. She may believe that Africans are evil just as much as she believes the sky is blue.

Ultimately, this is NOT a nice person with a great personality if part of her personality is hatred towards a certain ethnic group. Just remember there would be no war if people were more accepting of other people, and their beliefs and cultures. Evilness stems from hatred, which has routes in prejudice and intolerance. Ditch this friend and let her go find some people in the KKK to associate with.

Theres no such thing as a great personality if it incorporates ANY kind of hate. Let alone- racism.

In my opinion...theres little that you can do than give her a rude awakening. Personally, i do not condone or allow prejudice, racism, arrogance among my friends. If they decide to seriously be racist or prejudiced, i will cut them off. Im that strong about it.

And, so shes around your age... if she doesnt grow out of this racism thing quickly and soon... its probably going to stick with her. Some say that the principals you have around the age of 13-15 are the principals you have when you die.

No offense- but if you associate with her- you are damaging yourself. If you think being a racist bitch publically and arrogantly is bad enough... imagine yourself being associated to her and having people know you as "THe friend of that racist wench". Doesnt sound too worth it, does it?

Simply, if shes gonna spit out "nigger" and racial african-american slurs, you need to spit back in defense of the ones she hates for no reason. Meaning, fight fire with fire. Yeah, it doesnt seem too 'friendly', but she needs to wake up. As if its not bad enough shes a racist- she gonna pass it to her children or other people she comes in close relations with.

"The highest result of education is tolerance."

Well, the thing is that I've asked her if they ever did anything to her, and she would tell me if something bad happened... but none of the black kids had. She just thinks they're annoying and what she pretty much does is put them all into a stereo-type that they're all poor, "gangsta", and dirty... which I definitely know isn't true. She did say that they all hate her, but I kinda see why... even without the hateful language, she cowers around towards them. I'm guessing that it might have something to do with her parents that got her to be this way. Yet, her parents don't know anymore than 3/4 of the stuff she does these days, and her parents think that just the word "damn" is unacceptable, so... I'm guessing it's something else. I'm gonna see what her friends think, actually.

In that case, then your friend is likely feeding off of media stereotypes. The gangsta-rap, bling-bling pimpin' stuff. I hate it too, because I see what it does to people who are 1. not familiar with African-Americans their age and 2. simply don't like African-Americans in the first place.

C'mon, if you turn on MTV and look at Lil' Jon, the first thing your going to think of him is nothing but a "silly fucking idiot" regardless of what he may be like in real life.

I don't know if your friend watches the news, but most of the time if you see something about a robbery or a murder, you're going to see a Black or Hispanic male. Not saying that to be racist, but that's the truth. That could be another influence on your friend.

Of course, then there's obviously being around African-Americans. Your friend may not like the way they look or the way they talk, simply because they don't understand why they say or do or look the way that they do.

If you really care enough about this person to go about helping her change, do it...but don't kill yourself trying to do it because if she's this closedminded about it now, she may not change for you or anybody else.

I would simply tell her to "cut the bull" next time she goes on a racist rant. Ask her why she think she is so much better than them, what gives her the right to judge others based on their skin, and furthermore, that no one really cares about her opinion. She has the right to post whatever she wants in her blog, and that's that. But you should make sure you distance yourself from her. You don't want people thinking you share her views.

I've done that, but actually... yesterday I really told her out it made me feel, with the family thing and what-not. And don't worry, I no longer consider her my friend, and I've given enough proof that I am totally against her... since I can be pretty brutal at appropriate times. However, I do believe people can change gradually, especially when a certain situation appears.

And I have gotten back at her, since getting down to the level of one sometimes has to be done. I did reply to the blog-post she made, and I did some research about her last name, too, so I did find a word with such a meaning (yet not spoken today, thankfully) that it should change her a little. I do feel a bit guilty having said it, but it had to be done in this situation.

Hopefully, one of these days, she'll live in New York City, Miami, Boston, or another city with extreme diversity, and wake up... After all, the city she lives in has too much area for it to be a city all over. Nothing like the ghetto, I'd say. Anyway, as long as she eventually becomes tolerant, her knowledge will increase about the issue, and I'm happy about that.

And I have gotten back at her, since getting down to the level of one sometimes has to be done. I did reply to the blog-post she made, and I did some research about her last name, too, so I did find a word with such a meaning (yet not spoken today, thankfully) that it should change her a little. I do feel a bit guilty having said it, but it had to be done in this situation.


Don't fight racism with racism. That still makes YOU a racist, even if the other person is MORE racist. Tolerance is the key. When you stoop down to her level, then you become no better than her. YOU know you are not a racist, and that you are tolerant of others, so don't change that about yourself just to prove a point.

You know, people are even racist against people of their OWN ethnicity. I knew a latina who was racist against blacks, and latinos with darker skin because they probably had a black descendent somewhere. I know some black are prejudice against blacks with darker skin, and believe that having the lighter skin is better. If not by race, whites are against other whites because of religion (christian vs catholic vs jewish, etc...)

I don't think your friend will change, and you are probably wasting your time. the only way to get her to change her mind is to force her to live with a reacially mixed society, to see that good and the bad in everyone. White/black/Hispanic/Asian/etc....every society has its overwhelming majority of great people, and few thugs who have to go and mess it up.

basically, she has her opinions, and if you disagree with them enough to end the friendship, then do so. No use protecting her or worrying about her, you just put yourself in danger.

I don't know if your friend watches the news, but most of the time if you see something about a robbery or a murder, you're going to see a Black or Hispanic male. Not saying that to be racist, but that's the truth. That could be another influence on your friend.

yes, that is definately the way they show it in NY. But, just because they news flocks towards reporting about minority criminals, does not mean that white people are not out there just as much doing the same things. The news spins it in a certain direction. slightly off topic, but do you think anyone would given a shit about Natalie Halloway if she were black??? it is because she was a young White girl that the news is so obsessed with her. How many black children are abducted each year, yet it's only the cases of little white girls (elizabth smart/jon benet) that make national headlines. The news spins everything towards white people. [/end off topic rant]

Don't fight racism with racism. That still makes YOU a racist, even if the other person is MORE racist. Tolerance is the key. When you stoop down to her level, then you become no better than her. YOU know you are not a racist, and that you are tolerant of others, so don't change that about yourself just to prove a point.

Oh no, it wasn't that I called her that, but in the exact words it was "how would you like to know that if you lived back many years before that people would go around calling you a --?" along with the meaning right afterwards. I understand that it was a bit racist of me to have said that word--even though, yes, I do belong to that heritage--but with people like her who don't realize their racism and arrogance, it tends to work... it's been done before in front of me when I've seen some people I know fight about things.

This girl is very much prone to change, especially since a lot of things happen to her day by day. Hopefully, I am not wasting my time, but having come from a suburb outside of Cincinatti, OH to the bustling Boston, MA, to the rich, white village of Princeton, NJ, aswell as having visited a very small town in Illinois every summer of my life, I am a lot more aware of human behaviour than you may think. Not to bring up other issues, but I'm nothing like Tom Cruise who thinks he knows everything about Psychatric behaviour... I know the difference between aware and unaware, and if this girl becomes aware, she may change.

You know, people are even racist against people of their OWN ethnicity. I knew a latina who was racist against blacks, and latinos with darker skin because they probably had a black descendent somewhere. I know some black are prejudice against blacks with darker skin, and believe that having the lighter skin is better. If not by race, whites are against other whites because of religion (christian vs catholic vs jewish, etc...)

That is more common than what is perceived. As I mentioned before about the "one drop" rule...that person who is racist towards their own race would basically be in the same boat had they lived way back when.

In my geography class last semester, my teacher said something that while it may have seemed completely obvious, it made perfect sense.

It was referring to the three major religions and all of the similarities and differences to each other.

"Once you see a difference in another person, you can learn to hate."

And that is PRECISELY the problem.

All three major religions (Christian, Muslim, Jewish) share the same God but refer to him by different names. Allah, Yahweh, Jehovah, God...

And all of the littlest details of all three that are different are the reasons why the three religions have engaged in war, pretty much including the one we currently have.

Why? Because anything that you perceive as different, you can perceive as inferior. Your friend is doing exactly that.

She doesn't see the possibility that there are African-Americans that might be into the same activities (positive ones of course) that she's into. So she labels them as "poor" and "dirty".

She doesn't see the possibility that there are African-Americans that might be into the same activities (positive ones of course) that she's into. So she labels them as "poor" and "dirty".

I agree totally. I think that I'm going to try and get her to interact with the African-American kids in her classes and let her get to know them, because that is, what I've found, one of the basic steps to becoming tolerant. I am personally friends with a group of African-Americans in my school, and they've personally told me of how others tend to bring prejudice amongst themselves from seeing things on TV, as Chris had said before, and therefore, people tend to look at them funny. They accept me (and I accept them) in return because we accept eachothers lifestyles, and already have let other kids who may have felt weird around them interact with us and make the "fun" group who will turn anything to a giant jam-fest. So yeah, interaction should help her and the other kids definitely.

I think that there will ALWAYS be racism as people keep on, even though they have the best intentions, remarking that there's a difference between any kind of groups of people.

I'd try to make her understand that there's no difference, we are all humans.. come on!

Stress on the 'good', not on the 'different' about people.

Also, I'd make your friend watch Schindler's List, Boys don't Cry, Philadelphia...
Make her see what happens when people really takes racism and hate seriously. You say she's a good person, she should get the idea.

i agree i think that integrating her with people in her classes subtly would push towards tolerance. i mean i agree with what Cfw828 said. anything different can be seen as inferior. at my high school just about all there is is african americans and sadly because when people are different from you no matter how tolerant you are to some extent in the back of your mind one bad apple can ruin it for the whole bunch. my mom had some REALLY bad experiences with Af-Am's before i was even born (probably because i was born in Newark, Nj aka Murder Capital of New England) and i am i suppose prejudice to an extent and i'm dominican so i grew up around alot of Af-Am. but i have MANY very close friends who are Af-Am and integrating and finding good in that which is different puts away any discriminations you may have. so again i agree with you trying to help her integrate with ppl in her class. and she's only 13 through out her years that ignorance will go away when she goes through life and sees she doesn't have a choice but to try and get along with them. well there's my 2 cents ... or 20 :p

You can't change your friends if they don't want to be changed. It is heartless of her to make racist comments in front of you, a person with African descent. If she continues to do that, she is not a friend worth having. I think it's fair to say that this hurts you and she is too stuck-up and closed-minded to see it. I am a bisexual who tried having homophobic friends, and it DOES NOT WORK. You, a multi-racial person, cannot have a racist friend. Some prejudices can be fought, but your friend is not anywhere near willing to fight it. Break it off before you get wounded as badly as I was.