I don't know how to just come out and say this... it's really hard. But I dunno what else to do. A lot of my thoughts are jumbled up right now... so bare with me please.

I was dating, who is now my ex., for 3 1/2 years. As I explained in the topic of being bullied, I was abused most of those years. Hit, punched, pushed, held down, pulled by the hair, and verbally degraded. He told me I'd never make it anywhere, I'm a bitch, and a liar. Ugly, overweight... I had no talent...I felt like I had no way out. I was stupid, and I didn't know where to turn. I spent most of my years with him persuading people in my family and people at school that everything was okay. That nothing was wrong. I wore long sleeve shirts and jeans or a long skirt or something, to hide what he had done. My mom and my dad had grown concerned and started to thing that I was cutting myself. When I was really just hiding the bruises and scratches and scars from him. I soon began to think like he told me I really was. Then one night, we were watching a movie, and we started to make out... but when things almost got out of hand, I tried to push away. He tried to get me to keep going and to go into another room, he kept pushing and pushing, when I finally got through to him that it was no, I was close to being raped, but he stood up and pushed me into the couch, slapped me and told me "fine" and stormed off to his bed room.... I was shattered, and broken... I have no idea what the truth is... I have absolutely no idea what the truth is

Not even about 4 months ago I finally got out, after seeing a topic on Ch. 1 news at school, I went out in the hallway because I didn't want to watch it. My teacher came out and saw me crying and for once I spilled everything, because I didn't know what else to do anymore. It was tearing me apart inside and out, and I could think, sleep, breathe, or eat for periods of time...... My life had been shattered.

But 4 months after I left him, and I talked to the conselor at my school, she talked to my parents. But when my mom confronted my ex's dad about it, he talked to his son, but he denied everything, the physical and verbal abuse for 3 1/2 years and the other night.... everytime his dad brings it up.. he denies it.

My mom is now dating his dad, (they live in a dif. state). On monday, she promised his son (my ex) that she'd come watch his swim meet. And we tried and tried and tried to get someone to let me stay with them, but no one was that kind about it... so I told my mom, to be nice, and help you out, I'll go, we are only staying for 1 day and I don't have to see him. The truth was, I didn't want to go... I never wanted to see his face... I never want to hear his name said ever again.... I did see him.... I walked right by him... and he never looked at me... and didn't say a word. I went to the park down there and stayed there, trying to write in my journal, but I couldn't... I as I wrote, my hands started to shake really bad, and I cried..... When it was time to go to the meet, I walked down there with my mom. But I tried to stay as far away as I could from where ever he was. We sat down... and he came by talking to my mom ... a couple dif. times when we were standing around and sitting in the chairs.... but he ignored me... didn't look at me... didn't talk to me.... and he talked about his girlfriend in front of me. And mom apparently doesn't get this. All she has been asking me about it she sex thing. It's not that that has bothered me so much..... she thinks that it is. I even wrote her a letter, and read it to her, but she can't seem to process through her head what he did. Supposedly it was "joking around" But it was, when he was around family or friends, but when I was on my own with him, it was different..... he played a game with me .... and I got sucked into it...... How do I get her to actually understand... because I can't get the words to come out of my mouth, I can't get myself to say what all he did to me....

I never want to talk to him again... I have no more words. Well, actually I do.... but nothing so feminine.... just rude, and vulgar... he has ruined me....

It has been 4 months, but I can't stop... I can't stop thinking....I don't know where to go from here. And I can't talk to anyone... They haven't seem to get what I am really saying. It's like I'm speaking but no one can here me...

Please I don't know what to do... I need all the advice I can get.

Christy

Christy,

No one deserves to go through what you went through. No one should treat you like that. Not ever. I think it's extremely unfair how your mother is not standing by you on this. It's clear that you can not handle having anything to do with your ex, nor should you have to. I think it's important that you fully deal with the emotional aftermath of the abuse, counselling would probably be the best way to deal with it.

Perhaps you need to have someone speak to your mother on your behalf. Bu I think that your main focus should be on healing yourself, so that if you do have to see you ex again, you will be able to handle it. You have not been 'ruined" by him, but you do need some time to heal and piece your life back together. Most of all, you need support from those around you. Especially those who can empathise with you. Perhaps a support group for abuse survivors would be a good avenue for you, only if it is online.

Please feel free to PM me, if you would like to talk about this. I'm more than willing to listen.

Take gentle care of yourself

Ava

Thank you ava. It would be great to talk to you. I have tried talking to someone, but it has all ended up the same. I can't talk to people, it's i dunno.... but, When I did talk to the one conselor at my school, she talked to my parents. My dad and stepmom has talked to her, my teacher has talked to her. Nothing.

I was going to find a conselor, but we had trouble finding one with our insurance, my dad asked me a couple months later if I thought I still needed to go, because if not, there is no point to trying to find one and waste the money. So I told him no. But because it keeps coming up, I am afaid to go back and say yes. Because my stepmom has talked to me, but doesn't see why I am so broken over it for so long. She was abused when she was a child, and my stepsister was abused by an ex, and it was apparently worse... or something. I wanted to just say to her... I dont care how much worse it was, or how fast you moved on.... abuse is abuse. And I don't know why it's taking me soooo long, but I need to deal with it. But I knew if I would it would make everyone made, because I have a sort of, this is this attitude about something when I say it.

The only people in my family who know about this is my parents and stepmom. We really didn't want to tell our family.... they don't know him anyway and don't even know that I dated him.... I tried talking with someone else who I knew had dealt with this before..... but whenever you go to her with anything, everything is 20 times worse for her. That doesn't help me, she's not hearing what I am saying, She just wanted to say how everything was worse for her.

I have to admit. I am doing a little better than before. I know that he can't control me... and that I wasn't the problem. It just killed me that he was being so coldhearted. But I know that it has made me a stronger person, like the bullying thing.

I am taking my time, on my own to piece myself together. I know I can do this on my own. So I try everyday to tell myself something positive about me, and something I like. And then, one thing I don't, but say that I am okay with it. And I tell myself that when ever I think of what happen, I tell myself, I know it was wrong, and that it tore me apart, but I will be okay... if he has made me anything... it's a stronger person, and a survivor.

I am trying to piece myself back together on my own. And I'm doing okay.... because I really don't want to have to explain and explain and explain, and go through all that again. I know what happened. And that's that. I don't care if anyone else believes me or not.

I AM STRONGER... and A SURVIVOR

I have to go forward and never look back.... never look back...never look back

Christy,

I can't remember if you said how old you are, but if you are a minor and you report ongoing abuse to a counsellor they are mandated to report it to the police. I can't think of why the counsellor should have told your parents. The counsellor should have gone through the proper channels and perhaps referred you to a service for abused young women.

It's never too late to seek counselling. Don't be afraid to go and ask your father that you would still like to see a counsellor. Finding a good counsellor can be very hard. I was in a relationship with a right prick and it took me three years before I even began to deal with the issues, or seek counselling. It's never to late. The important thing to remember is that counselling is your process. Don't let the counsellor push you into anything that you are not ready to discuss. Just take your time and wait until you think you've found a counsellor you can trust. Also you may need to consider that counselling may not be for you. You might wish to seek out the services of a psychologist.

Like I said, if you want to talk to me off the board, you are most welcome. I've sent you a PM so if you want to contact me, you can do so.

Take care,

Ava

I haven't been so sure either was right for me... I don't know. I have no idea why it's so hard to talk to people face to face or something... I had to let my step mom read an entry because I couldn't come out with the words.... it was too hard.

I am 16.... Yeah, someone is supposed to report it... but it was after the fact. When I spilled it in the hallway to my teacher... and I talked to the consellor at school, it was after the abuse had happend.... everything had healed except my insides..... so there was nothing anyone can do... even the police. No one going through that could have it reported.... especially if the only evidence I have is the couple journal entries I have..... So, that is why it hasn't been reported. The police would tell us the same thing.

I can relate. I speak better through writing than I do with verbal communication. I agree, you don't deserve being treated like that, no one does, and your ex has a lot of nerve to think he has the right to treat you that way. He knows what he did is wrong but based by his actions, he's not man enough to step up to the plate and take responsibility for what he's done. All that matters now is you've become stronger through this.

I had a good friend I used to hang out with. He was wanting to progress the friendship between me and him to a higher level. At the time, I was seeing someone else, who is now my ex. My former friend asked me when we could start dating. I told him it wasn't likely to happen. He responded with "sure it can" all said with a wink. I explained why and he retorted by slamming me with everything he could think of. Calling me an ugly ass bitch, I wasn't going to get anywhere in life, etc. I saw him at the store a couple weeks later and didn't say a word to him. He brought it to my attention, told me to quit being an asshole and to just be nice. Basically, he denied everything happened and expected everything to be fine between him and myself.

You made a move to keep yourself from getting raped. I couldn't have done the same thing and I admire you for your courage.

hey christy

i am very sorry for what happened. you dont deserve it. i know it is hard but you have to go on. there are always some days where you stuck in the past and feel sick but life works that way. sometimes you think life is unfair and very hard and maybe you're right but you have to be optimistic.

*hugs*

nadine

Thanks. I have had a rough weekend.. but really tried to keep my mind off of everything. Not easy, but sometimes. I didn't really know what to do... I was close... so close to being raped. That thought crossed my mind.... but then I shook it out, like he wouldn't do that. But he got closer and closer to the idea... and if I wouldn't have stopped that second... he would have that very second. It scared the hell out of me.... It really did.

I have tried a lot of other things, but everywhere i turn i think of him. I think of the romantic and great days and great memories how sweet he was. Then those memories are flooded by all of the truth. I wasn't able to talk to my mom last time she asked about it.... when i tried, I broke down... but just yesterday I wrote what i wanted to say. If I write it maybe I'll be able to say it... then I will say exactly what I want and don't have to get all confused or messed up and upset about it. I don't know when I'm going to tell her EVERYTHING, but sometime soon I hope. Maybe that is what will finally break all these chains. If she understood all of it. She has a great relationship with all of them... so she see's them one way. It probably doesn't make any sense to her... But all I can do is try. I may fall, but I have many times before... I guess I'm used to that. Being jaded breathing all alone kind of thing.

Thank you everyone for the support. I appreciated it. I know people think that it's something that you can get over fast, but this has been a long, hard slow process. And being 16 with everything else i've been through and this...makes it that much harder. So thank you for being understanding and letting me rant and sort through this in my own time...

Christy

I just thought you all should know that part of the problem as been solved. My mom found a letter I wrote and was going to leave for my 'ex' and his dad to see. I didn't leave it, but never threw it away... She found it... and read it and read it to his dad. His dad talked to him about it... but hasn't let him read it yet.

My mom said that "they never knew... if only I would have told them... that they never saw the signs..." She said though that she remembers when I stopped talking about him and how I "liked" him and stuff.... which was the peak of it all too..... if my long sleeves and jeans and lack of talking (well, lack of talking more than I normally do) isn't a sign that something is wrong.... then what is? Why did they start assuming things instead of trying something? She thinks that we should get together... and talk about it all... since she and his dad know now and everything... but I told her I have nothing to say to him... and I feel I shouldn't have to... and I never want to see him or hear of him again... I don't care if my mom is dating his dad... and they are "in eachother's lives" End of that...

But she does know the whole story now... so partially it's solved. now I need to do what I have to do... which i guess is harder than i thought. and it makes it no easier that no one believed me at first and he denies everything I have said.... But I thank ava and everyone else on here.. You have been the "arms outstretched-- open embrace upon a bleeding tree" salvation I needed. Thank you all for helping me... I am really greatful and through this slow... tedious... extremely tough process... I hope I can count on coming back here to always talk to you guys. You are great.... thank you

Abuse is never right, whether verbal or physical. What pops in my mind is about your mother dating your ex's father. The apple doesn't fall to far from the tree so I am thinking to myself why wouldn't your mother date him not only the fact that you where abused by his son but the fact that the father could be abusive aas well. I don't know either of those guys but its disgust me to hear about males not men treating females like that. I'm glad you finding some amount of clouser on the situation. I don't think you are ruined which you mentioned above, because you obviously where able to leave the situation, which in so many cases does not happen. Its a hard lesson learned and I hope you don't feel alienated by one guy, and I wish you luck. Seems like you are taking this very well I give your props for that.

Yeah, I did leave. It may have took me awhile... but I finally did something. It took me 3 1/2 years to figure it out... and another 3/4 of a year trying to sort it out. .. I am not completely over the fact.... but I realize the facts a lot better now. And if a guy ever tries to lay his hands on me... I'd leave the first time...

As far as his father... I actually have nothing against him... He is extremely sweet, and nice to me... and acts like a stepdad to me.... he's not degrading or anything. He doesn't abuse his kids or my mother... but when his kids get into trouble then lie about it or something.... he gets heated... but he's not 'abusive'. He knows the limits on punishments. Or so I think. I mean.. he's not. And I can really talk if I needed to... I just never did.

At first I didn't ever want to date. And my friend tried to get me too, but I couldn't do it. I was afraid of being hurt agian.. and I felt sort of guilty if I dated another guy... I thought it was still my fault. .....I still don't think I am ready to date...and I certainly don't want to... but I am trying a lot harder to handle everything now. I'm still really confused, but I'm 16 I guess that's expected... I don't know how long until I actually get done with it, but I guess I am willing to wait it out now.

I don't know how to just come out and say this... it's really hard. But I dunno what else to do. A lot of my thoughts are jumbled up right now... so bare with me please.

I was dating, who is now my ex., for 3 1/2 years. As I explained in the topic of being bullied, I was abused most of those years. Hit, punched, pushed, held down, pulled by the hair, and verbally degraded. He told me I'd never make it anywhere, I'm a bitch, and a liar. Ugly, overweight... I had no talent...I felt like I had no way out. I was stupid, and I didn't know where to turn. I spent most of my years with him persuading people in my family and people at school that everything was okay. That nothing was wrong. I wore long sleeve shirts and jeans or a long skirt or something, to hide what he had done. My mom and my dad had grown concerned and started to thing that I was cutting myself. When I was really just hiding the bruises and scratches and scars from him. I soon began to think like he told me I really was. Then one night, we were watching a movie, and we started to make out... but when things almost got out of hand, I tried to push away. He tried to get me to keep going and to go into another room, he kept pushing and pushing, when I finally got through to him that it was no, I was close to being raped, but he stood up and pushed me into the couch, slapped me and told me "fine" and stormed off to his bed room.... I was shattered, and broken... I have no idea what the truth is... I have absolutely no idea what the truth is

Not even about 4 months ago I finally got out, after seeing a topic on Ch. 1 news at school, I went out in the hallway because I didn't want to watch it. My teacher came out and saw me crying and for once I spilled everything, because I didn't know what else to do anymore. It was tearing me apart inside and out, and I could think, sleep, breathe, or eat for periods of time...... My life had been shattered.

But 4 months after I left him, and I talked to the conselor at my school, she talked to my parents. But when my mom confronted my ex's dad about it, he talked to his son, but he denied everything, the physical and verbal abuse for 3 1/2 years and the other night.... everytime his dad brings it up.. he denies it.

My mom is now dating his dad, (they live in a dif. state). On monday, she promised his son (my ex) that she'd come watch his swim meet. And we tried and tried and tried to get someone to let me stay with them, but no one was that kind about it... so I told my mom, to be nice, and help you out, I'll go, we are only staying for 1 day and I don't have to see him. The truth was, I didn't want to go... I never wanted to see his face... I never want to hear his name said ever again.... I did see him.... I walked right by him... and he never looked at me... and didn't say a word. I went to the park down there and stayed there, trying to write in my journal, but I couldn't... I as I wrote, my hands started to shake really bad, and I cried..... When it was time to go to the meet, I walked down there with my mom. But I tried to stay as far away as I could from where ever he was. We sat down... and he came by talking to my mom ... a couple dif. times when we were standing around and sitting in the chairs.... but he ignored me... didn't look at me... didn't talk to me.... and he talked about his girlfriend in front of me. And mom apparently doesn't get this. All she has been asking me about it she sex thing. It's not that that has bothered me so much..... she thinks that it is. I even wrote her a letter, and read it to her, but she can't seem to process through her head what he did. Supposedly it was "joking around" But it was, when he was around family or friends, but when I was on my own with him, it was different..... he played a game with me .... and I got sucked into it...... How do I get her to actually understand... because I can't get the words to come out of my mouth, I can't get myself to say what all he did to me....

I never want to talk to him again... I have no more words. Well, actually I do.... but nothing so feminine.... just rude, and vulgar... he has ruined me....

It has been 4 months, but I can't stop... I can't stop thinking....I don't know where to go from here. And I can't talk to anyone... They haven't seem to get what I am really saying. It's like I'm speaking but no one can here me...

Please I don't know what to do... I need all the advice I can get.

Christy

There is so much more to say than what I could write here. PM me if you'd like, I'd be more than happy to talk to you. No matter what, it isn't your fault. There's so much pressure to do things with your mom or dad's boy/girlfriend...I know how that goes. I'm not going to say I understand everything because I haven't walked in your shoes, but I do care.

Thank you Whisper. I got your pm.

I have been crazy these past few weeks... so much going on, but I'm honestly doing better with this situation. I came to my moms house this week... and I thought I could honestly say that I am doing better... that I am okay. And I still think I can... but when I was in walmart, my mom said something that threw me off guard, but I didn't let her see it....

remember when i told you my mom found that letter and her and her bf read it. she went to Indianna to see her bf. and 'he' read it... supposedly he's writing me one back. My mom was like "oh yeah, he read that letter and is supposed to be writing to you..." So, I told her " you know.. i don't care anymore. I told you I was done and over it. If he does, fine, if he doesn't oh well..." it was the end of story we didn't talk about it anymore.

I let her think that I don't care, but even thought I am dealing... i still think i do... If he does or doesn't write back... I think either way I am going to feel something... and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. What should I do. Should I wait for the letter or not get my hopes up. What if he does write back... should i say something... should i read it and let everything go. If he writes back... maybe he's not as coldhearted as i thought.... or what if he doesn't... so then was it justified for me to say that in an earlier post.

I thought I was alright... I can honestly say I was doing better, I wasn't letting it bother me as much... as i used to. What is wrong with me?

I have to admit. I am doing a little better than before. I know that he can't control me... and that I wasn't the problem. It just killed me that he was being so coldhearted. But I know that it has made me a stronger person, like the bullying thing. [/I]

Would you rather of had him talk to you and act like nothing had happened?

He's not going to come out and apologize or anything like that. He thinks he's done nothing wrong.

Your mom is in the wrong here. I don't see how any mother could do that to their own daughter. It's disgusting.

I've never been in your situatiuon before, so unfortunatly, I cannot offer any advice, other than I sympathize for you and your situation and that I wish you the best.

I figured that he wouldn't do anything of the sort. I thought maybe he would, I don't know what the letter's about. Hell, he might not even write it. And as much as I am upset and confused about all this... my mom is my mom. I love her no matter what.

I just wish I knew what to expect from the letter...

Yeah, that's how I am too. I mean I know I'm young, but don't underestamate me. From almost December to May I was depressed, and no one knew. I kept it all inside and wrote poems about it, but no one ever knew. I'm pretty sure one of my good friends suspected it, but she didn't bother to find the truth. Then one day I met Victor, who is a year older then me. He totally brought me back from my deppressed state. I fell for him at once. Suddenly I had no desire to cry at night when no one was around to hear. I was free. I was happy. But most good things end badly. Once I was myself again, I realized I couldn't stay with someone who wasn't anything like me. So Victor and I went our seperate ways. Fortunetly(sp?), I'm still happy and content. Mabye thats what you need. You need to move on and date other guys, and hopefully you'll spring on one that will help you heal. Remember that all guys arn't like your ex, and that they all deserve a chance.
Also, its awsome that you got yourself outta being raped.

Unknown

My best "guy" friend and I are in a band... When we first met, I thought ok he's cool. I didn't know why he was coming up to me when he did, but I went with it. He heard me sing, and I showed him some of my songs... and we decided to start a band. After a while... we became best friends, we talk about a lot, and I didn't think he liked me like that. But we were sitting in the gym on the bleachers, and he had his arm around me... he tried to grab my hand, but when I went to move, he pulled me in and tried to hold my hand.... I felt like I was with my ex again... but he didn't mean to. I told him why I felt so upset, and started to cry... he understood and has helped me try to get past this. A day or so ago, we talked on the phone from 11 at night till 7 in the morning. He's like "you realize we just did one of the most romantic things you can do..." I said really.... and he's like "yeah, we just talked on the phone all night." Since then, I can't stop thinking about him, and how perfect he is to me, and that him, our band, and my best friends are the only things I have that's going right in my life. Everything else isn't anything at all.

I'm hoping that we do go somewhere with this. But I even told him, I don't know what to say, my heart excepts it, but my head doesn't want to get the fact that we like eachother. I don't know how to deal with the concept that he 'loves me' because last time I trusted that... I got hurt... And what if we break up... where is our friendship going to go, we have been bestfriends for a while.... and what about our band, and our bond with everything. So i'm 2 sided on this. but I guess im willing to give him a shot.

He's a good listener... and whenever I need to talk to him about what happened previously in my relationship.... he's there to listen and to help. God only knows I need help this week.

I heard back from my mom about it.... he told her so she could tell me.... that he was sorry and didn't realize I felt that way --- like i was being abused, and hurt, and all. Because it seemed like it didn't phaze me... And that he read the letter, but couldn't write anything back... because he couldn't bring himself to. and so he told her a few things to tell me...
then my mom's like "see it's like me and --- her bf --- we didn't know either, because their were moments when you guys would play around and stuff...as we could see and he'd hit you... and you'd take off or he would take off and you would go too....

so i told her... but i laughed and pretended it was okay.. and he'd joke around around you guys... but you still aren't getting the point behind it all... when we weren't around everyone else.

She's like "well, i guess not... explain it to me" I told her "I have told you... and if you don't understand still...then its not my problem anymore. I am trying to move on. I don't want to let it control me. It took me long enough to get out... so I am done with it.. I'm not goign through this anymore."

So she finally said then "well, maybe one day you guys will see eachother or something and sit down and talk about all of it.... he'd probably like to do that... he is sorry...."

before i hung up i told her "no i don't think we will. i have made it clear i odn't want to see him or hear of him again... and i am done with it. i am trying to move on. ok."

and it was done and said.

is he really sorry? should i talk? i have stuck in the rut again.

I decided to make a site... a poetry site... and its all in folders. Maybe this would help? I'm not sure... He asked my mom about me.... why can't he just leave... I want to leave .... go away from this forever. He decided to definately not write me. He said that he wouldn't know what to say.

Screw you! I don't care anymore....

Okay maybe I do.... ugghhh.


TaintedSoul (www.postpoems.com/members/taintedsoul)

*sry I didn't now where to put this... I guess this wasn't the right place considering its not somewhere to post your feelings... I just need guidance, and I don't know where to go....

-Christy

My personal opinion on this is that if your mom knows about what you went through with your ex, and she's continuing to see your ex's dad. That is just so upsetting and frightening to me. As your mother - any mother - I believe that kind of situation is grounds for calling off a relationship. I am shocked that she's still seeing this man, that defends his son, after all that has happened to you.

How does she not realize the pain that she's causing you? Why is she forcing this upon you? That's incredibly wrong of her. If she continues on with the relationship, you'll always be tied to your ex, and that's not fair for you. Perhaps you should write her a letter stating that. It's hard for you... tell her you don't feel comfortable with her being in that relationship.

I'm sorry, I'm not giving good advice right now... but I'm just so angry that she's still in the relationship... how selfish. She needs to think more about you and not herself; I'm so disgusted.

End.

That is sort of part of the reason why I am still so upset by this. I mean, you’d have to know my mom… things aren’t exactly a walk in the park, but I love her and I respect her. I feel tied to him… and she thinks that I can eventually get over this, because she is still going to continue seeing him. I have tried writing her a letter on why I feel the way I do about him, and why I am so upset. And I thought that maybe she would figure it out (which was dumb, because she disregards any feelings I have about that side of the family…) Because I don’t like her boyfriend…. Or his family really…

Anyway, I thought she would get the hint, but she didn’t. And I really don’t feel like a child should tell their mother whom to date. Isn’t that kind of backwards? She has put my ex, and his family’s feelings before mine… even before I finally told her about what happened. She treats them more like her son’s than her own flesh and blood.

I thought I was over this, and I didn’t need to go talk to someone…. And I’d rather not considering I have a hard time talking to people. Its always easier talking, say here.. because you don’t know the person…. So, because our insurance didn’t except the people we could find… or whatever other problem we ran into… we quit looking, because in time, my dad and stepmom think I have done a lot better… So if I told them that I think I need to talk about it… they’d wonder why again. They can’t see why I have been stuck in it for so long…. When her or my stepsister got over there situations pretty fast. Is it because I will always be tied to him…..they aren’t? I took your advice and started to write another letter to her, maybe I could post it later. I wont use names on here….

Thank you for your advice, everyone has been so helpful. Its hard to sit here and think about all of it, knowing that know one believes me, or completely disregards anything I have ever said.

Everyone in here has been sooo helpful. And if I ever get the time again, I will rep every single one of you… I SWEAR IT. Thank you for being here. Somehow it’s so much easier talking to someone I don’t know… but still have common interests to.

-Christy

Hi Christy,

A very dear friend of mine went through the same thing when she was at university.

It does not surprise me that this guy behaves differently in public compared to how he was with you in private. These guys often seem to be charming. That's all part of how they try to dominate you. I tell you now, you have more strength and courage than that asshole will ever have. You have had the strength to see this situation was wrong and that you were better than that, and even more you had the strength to get the hell out of dodge. No matter what this guy is he will never have the cajonies to have such inner light. The guy my friend was seeing kept telling her she was ugly etc too, trust me she is one of the amazing and beautiful people I know. No matter what happens remember your own worth-you have that and no-one can take that from you unless you let them, and you have already shown you are smart enough and strong enough not to let that happen.

Hope everything works out OK in the end-I'm sure it will. For the record my friend is now married to the most amazing, caring guy.

I don't know how to just come out and say this... it's really hard. But I dunno what else to do. A lot of my thoughts are jumbled up right now... so bare with me please.

I was dating, who is now my ex., for 3 1/2 years. As I explained in the topic of being bullied, I was abused most of those years. Hit, punched, pushed, held down, pulled by the hair, and verbally degraded. He told me I'd never make it anywhere, I'm a bitch, and a liar. Ugly, overweight... I had no talent...I felt like I had no way out. I was stupid, and I didn't know where to turn. I spent most of my years with him persuading people in my family and people at school that everything was okay. That nothing was wrong. I wore long sleeve shirts and jeans or a long skirt or something, to hide what he had done. My mom and my dad had grown concerned and started to thing that I was cutting myself. When I was really just hiding the bruises and scratches and scars from him. I soon began to think like he told me I really was. Then one night, we were watching a movie, and we started to make out... but when things almost got out of hand, I tried to push away. He tried to get me to keep going and to go into another room, he kept pushing and pushing, when I finally got through to him that it was no, I was close to being raped, but he stood up and pushed me into the couch, slapped me and told me "fine" and stormed off to his bed room.... I was shattered, and broken... I have no idea what the truth is... I have absolutely no idea what the truth is

Not even about 4 months ago I finally got out, after seeing a topic on Ch. 1 news at school, I went out in the hallway because I didn't want to watch it. My teacher came out and saw me crying and for once I spilled everything, because I didn't know what else to do anymore. It was tearing me apart inside and out, and I could think, sleep, breathe, or eat for periods of time...... My life had been shattered.

But 4 months after I left him, and I talked to the conselor at my school, she talked to my parents. But when my mom confronted my ex's dad about it, he talked to his son, but he denied everything, the physical and verbal abuse for 3 1/2 years and the other night.... everytime his dad brings it up.. he denies it.

My mom is now dating his dad, (they live in a dif. state). On monday, she promised his son (my ex) that she'd come watch his swim meet. And we tried and tried and tried to get someone to let me stay with them, but no one was that kind about it... so I told my mom, to be nice, and help you out, I'll go, we are only staying for 1 day and I don't have to see him. The truth was, I didn't want to go... I never wanted to see his face... I never want to hear his name said ever again.... I did see him.... I walked right by him... and he never looked at me... and didn't say a word. I went to the park down there and stayed there, trying to write in my journal, but I couldn't... I as I wrote, my hands started to shake really bad, and I cried..... When it was time to go to the meet, I walked down there with my mom. But I tried to stay as far away as I could from where ever he was. We sat down... and he came by talking to my mom ... a couple dif. times when we were standing around and sitting in the chairs.... but he ignored me... didn't look at me... didn't talk to me.... and he talked about his girlfriend in front of me. And mom apparently doesn't get this. All she has been asking me about it she sex thing. It's not that that has bothered me so much..... she thinks that it is. I even wrote her a letter, and read it to her, but she can't seem to process through her head what he did. Supposedly it was "joking around" But it was, when he was around family or friends, but when I was on my own with him, it was different..... he played a game with me .... and I got sucked into it...... How do I get her to actually understand... because I can't get the words to come out of my mouth, I can't get myself to say what all he did to me....

I never want to talk to him again... I have no more words. Well, actually I do.... but nothing so feminine.... just rude, and vulgar... he has ruined me....

It has been 4 months, but I can't stop... I can't stop thinking....I don't know where to go from here. And I can't talk to anyone... They haven't seem to get what I am really saying. It's like I'm speaking but no one can here me...

Please I don't know what to do... I need all the advice I can get.

Christy

believe me, i know what it feels like to feel what you're feeling right now. maybe not physically abused but violated and used to an extent and definatly emotionally shot. i know what it feels like to never want to talk to that person or ever hear anything about that person ever again and if you ever need anything, anything at all, even its its just to let off steam or chat about random stuff, i want you to know i'm here for you and you can pm me anytime.
as kinda stupid as this may sound, but i'm a musician so its my life, its what i do best, i can hook you up with some songs that helped get me through the situation i was in. and it took a long time to finally get out of it, so there are alot of songs:D anyway, if you ever want any suggestions or links, i can send you some stuff that might help you get through easier.

Thank you both. Sure, I would love to hear some of the songs. I do tend to listen to things that relate to me more than just random music.

I haven't heard from my mom lately, the custody battle for my brother is now over, soon she is moving in with this guy... well, she wants to. Once my brother comes to live with us, she says she is leaving. Despite what I said about her boyfriend, I truely don't like him.... at times, sure he's cool. But overall is just-- I don't know.

In the end, I have to see my mom a certain amount of time, which would include being down their at their house. My dad says she could "promise" to do something with out them, but knowing my mom, she would do it anyway. She has before.

Thank you for all the encouragement. It has been great to here other peoples opinions other than parents or a couple friends.