If you are feeling depressed and would like to talk about it, please post in here. I know sometimes it feels like you are alone and you're not. Ultimately the best advice is to go see a doctor. Remember you can not properly diagnose yourself.

Well, here I go, I guess...

I've been depressed for 10 years, but the feelings accelerated at age 9 from puberty, I suppose.

I've been seeing a doctor for a while.

I'm on anti-depressants, but they're not helping. However, they do keep my anxiety levels down, so in a way, they are.

I've lost interest in everything, aswell as having lost my ambitions and all motivation in school.

My friends know for sure that I'm depressed (or they can tell that I'm depressed), but my feelings are too extreme for me to be able to rely on them.


There are many more feelings in myself that just don't seem right, but some things are probably even too extreme for this board. I'm worried that my body (considering that the mind controls the body for the most part, anyway) has become a ticking time-bomb, as though it'll just combust from all the sadness and fear at any time, whether that'd be today, tomorrow, next month, next year... it's a scary thought to have. It's as though I am trapped in a black hole where no one can help me, not even myself; where the demons had fallen and are attacking me with paranoia and fear. Yet... there are some points in the day where it seems as though I take a peek outside the hole.

A lot of people on this board have helped me (although they aren't aware of it), and they give me something to look forward to for once. That is, to be able to grin like a maniac when I enter the mIRC and to see yet another hilarious conversation come on, or when I see a sad n00b (other than myself, ofcourse ;) ) or a whale being pwned. It's basically one of the greatest feelings I've had in, well, a very long time.

I don't really know what the point is of writing all this. I do want to see if I can actually rely on something or someone other than my therapist of whom I'm only able to see one a month. Anything can help, even if the advice is downright absurd and stupid; it'll give me a good laugh, nevertheless. Anyway, I thought I'd speak my feelings for a while...

Depression vs. Sadness
I think this is important for everyone who has undiagnosed or 'self-diagnosed' depression. Although depression is often thought of a being an extreme state of sadness, there is a vast difference between clinical depression and sadness.

Sadness is a part of being human, a natural reaction to painful circumstances. All of us will experience sadness at some point in our lives.

Depression, however, is a physical illness with many more symptoms than an unhappy mood. The person with clinical depression finds that there is not always a logical reason for his dark feelings. Exhortations from well-meaning friends and family for him to "snap out of it" provide only frustration for he can no more "snap out of it" than the diabetic can will his pancreas to produce more insulin.

Sadness is a transient feeling that passes as a person comes to term with his troubles.
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Depression can linger for weeks, months or even years. The sad person feels bad, but continues to cope with living. A person with clinical depression may feel overwhelmed and hopeless.

To clarify the differences between normal sadness and depression, the DSM-IV* defines specific criteria for the diagnosis of major depression. A person who suffers from a major depressive disorder must either have a depressed mood or a loss of interest or pleasure in daily activities consistently for at least a two week period. This mood must represent a change from the person's normal mood and impair his functioning in his daily life. A depressed mood caused by substances such as drugs, alcohol, or medications is not considered a major depressive disorder, nor is one which is caused by a general medical condition. Major depressive disorder cannot be diagnosed if a person has a history of bipolar disorder (ie. manic, hypomanic or mixed episodes) or if the depressed mood is better accounted for by schizoaffective disorder and is not superimposed on schizophrenia. Further, t he symptoms should not be better accounted for by bereavement, i.e., after the loss of a loved one, the symptoms persist for longer than 2 months or are characterized by marked functional impairment, morbid preoccupation with worthlessness, suicidal ideation, psychotic symptoms, or psychomotor retardation.

This disorder is characterized by the presence of 5 or more of the following symptoms:

•Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g. feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g. appears tearful). Children and adolescents may exhibit irritability.

•Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or most, daily activities most of the day, nearly every day.

•Significant weight changes (e.g. a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.

•Insomnia or hypersomnia (sleeping too much) nearly every day.

•Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day.

•Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day.

•Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day.

•Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day.

•Recurrent thoughts of death, recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.

If you are still uncertain as to whether you may be suffering from depression, screening tests exist which can help you determine whether you should seek a professional evaluation. There is a test provided on this site which is simple to use and completely confidential.

So, you sure that overwhelming feeling of worthlessness because your love of your life dumped you at 16 or because you dont get along with your parents is still depression? Think about it before diagnosing yourself with it. Its not "cool" to be depressed.

I don't know what I have, but I honestly do think I have a problem. Be it extreme sadness or depression or teenage hormones, I don't know. But many of those symptoms describe me perfectly. I'm not going to try to diagnose myself by any means, but this is what happens.

Over the summer, actually, always, I will lose about 20 pounds then gain it back. And this is constant, and happens every several months. It's not that I have an eating disorder, because I don't. It just... happens.

Also, it seems that I can't get to sleep, and when I do get to sleep and wake up i'm always fatigued. Always. And if I don't have an alarm to wake me up, i'll sleep for about 15 hours. Which starts a cycle of staying up until insane hours of the morning putting off sleeping, and not waking up until 5 the next afternoon sometimes. This is odd because when I'm angry, I'll go to sleep to get away from it.
A lot of times I get myself extremely worked up over nothing. When I try to get to sleep, I start to think about things I have or have not said to people, things I should do differently, tests that I have to do the next day, lines from the current production (especially the night before a show,) things I need to do to keep my grades up so I won't get yelled at, I get really nervous before driving; i'm afraid i'm gonna get into a wreck or something,although i'm a decent driver. Recently, I've been going to the library to do my work and to get away from the monotony of the day and my life at home which causes me SO much stress because of the situation between my parents right now.

I just kinda needed to get that out. I'm afraid to tell my parents because they'll probably think i'm crazy, so I think i'm gonna wait until i'm 18 (which is in November) to try to talk to a professional to see if I feel any better by that time, if it is just a phase that I'm going through right now.
This is really the first time i've told anyone about this... It's funny how sometimes you can trust thousands of people online that you have never met before more than you can people close to you.

Thanks for letting me get this out.
--Shaina

This is an aussie site but I don't see the harm in posting it here because it is relevent for all young people with depression. --> http://www.beyondblue.org.au/ybblue/
It's a site I've found useful in the past and I recommend you check it out.

Also, this site has some useful information. --> http://www.reachout.com.au/index.asp?mci=3&mwi=2&tii=13

However, I agree with Kaydee - you cannot diagnose this yourself and need to see a doctor. The information posted on the sites above is only intended to be a guide and a resource.

I just kinda needed to get that out. I'm afraid to tell my parents because they'll probably think i'm crazy, so I think i'm gonna wait until i'm 18 (which is in November) to try to talk to a professional to see if I feel any better by that time, if it is just a phase that I'm going through right now.
--Shaina

A message to anybody concerned about their well-being with regards to Depression:

If you are concerned that you have a problem, get help ASAP. Honestly, recovery from Major Depression and other mental illnesses take a hell of a long time. Get help sooner than later so your life doesn't pass you by. I have never come across anybody who wished they had postponed their treatment for mental illness.

Also, if you are a minor, it is best to get help if you are still covered under your parents insurance. Psychiatrists, psychologists, and prescription medication cost A LOT of money.

-psyche

Shaina, I can relate to the getting worked up over nothing a lot. I'm turning 18 too in November.

The symptoms list.. I have ALL.


I am going to talk to someone, I had an examination that they will use to write a report and I'm just waiting..

To those that shared (or even if you haven't), I've been dealing with depression since high school. It's pretty much under control now, thank goodness. But if you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM/IM me. I'm not an expert, but sometimes it helps just to chat. If I'm free, I'll definitely listen to whatever's on your mind.

I don't know what I have, but I honestly do think I have a problem. Be it extreme sadness or depression or teenage hormones, I don't know. But many of those symptoms describe me perfectly. I'm not going to try to diagnose myself by any means, but this is what happens.


Im the same way. I am only 13 though and it started when I was 12, so I didnt even know what it was. I started one day when my Dad completely flipped out on me for missing the bus and I thought he was gonna hit me. But I went to school that day and my homeroom only had one of my friends in that I could trust. So I got to school really upset, but she didnt notice because she was hanging out with her other friends. And everyday was like this: she hung out with other people more and my closer friends were on the other side of the school and when I saw them, they were always with their friends, so conversations always got interrupted and I always got left out. My Dad didnt talk to me for a few days, but after a week, he started to get mad at me again. Not scream, but he got mad. I told him about two weeks later that the day that he yelled at me, I had three dreams that I remembered that night and all involved him yelling at me and him chasing after me. In two, he hit me and the other he was trying to, and only in two of them I got away because I called the cops. After I told him this, he said, "Good, because at that time I did feel like I was about to hit you." (which now he doesnt even remember saying) So now, I didnt really have anyone I felt that I could talk to or trust. So I lost some interest in everything, but most of all, I started to daydream a whole lot more, so I started to feel more isolated. All of this was starting to cause what I think was depression. We learned more about it this year and I realize that I did have some of the symptoms. I had a few dreams of who would come to my funeral if I died. And I played it through in my mind, with my friends saying how much they missed me. Although, I never wanted to kill myself, I could imagine myself thinking about it. This all lasted for I think about 6 months. And then it seemed to go away in the summer, but came back in the winter. I would sit with my friends at lunch and realize that I didnt really fit in with them anymore. I found other people to sit with and never stopped talking to some of the others. But I never got invited to their parties anymore and I didnt know my new friends well enough to share this with. I started to daydream more and it got almost as bad as the year before. This time though, I never thought of suicide, but I felt more isolated and more sad. And almost everyday, when I got home, I would wach TV and then lie around and often just ended up crying. Then we had an end-of-the-year dance and everyone was saying it was the best time of their life and I thought it was okay, but I couldnt really feel excited and I wasnt enjoying it as much. But then summer came and those feelings started to go away again. My friends never seemed to notice my change going from overly-energetic to constantly off in my own world.

I dont know what it is either, but it seems like depressive episodes. But heres a site I found very useful: http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/center_index.php?id=5&cn=5
I took the quiz as I remembered last year and got 34, I took it in the middle of this year and got 31, but then I took it a few weeks ago and got 9.

Well here goes:

I have been depressed since I guess 3 years ago, a few years ago I told a little lie that became my life I lived this lie for 3 years when I finally came out and told the truth, the emmence guilt I felt for hurting my friends and just wasting those years was/is unbearable. I promised myself I would not do anything like that ever again yet I continue to lie over little things sometimes big things and I have come to the conclusion that I may be a pathological liar. I guess I lie because throughout my childhood I was emotionally and physically abused so I have massive insecurity issues, and I suppose I lie to I dont know fill the void.

I don't talk about this to my friends because I feel they don't understand, which they don't, I've tried to talk to them but they don't take me seriously they think i do it for attention. I just feel so alone

I have attempted suicide twice, and right now I'm feeling extremely stressed from school and I just want it to end, so I'll see what happens when it's over.

Thanks for reading this

-Ashlee x

I also took the test Cassandra posted and I got 68

Hey Cassandra,
I know what it's like to be an 'outsider' even to your friends. I was bullied severely when I was in 4th-6th grade, only had a few friends in secondary (junior high + high) school - one on one went fine, but in a group I was "left of center" so to speak. I am now starting med school and meeting new friends, but I am one of the very very few who dresses alternatively etc. so I already kinda see where it's going. I think I'll always be an outsider in a way. My mom says it's all in my head, but I don't believe it is. It might contribute to the feeling of being left outside alone, but still it's not like it comes from outta nowhere right?
I hope the situation with your dad will get better, though. I'm not an expert on those at all but I know enough to be able to tell it doesn't sound good. I'm sorry he treats you like that. I was thinking, maybe if you're scared to tell him to his face you could write him a letter instead?


PS Kaydee sorry you had to edit my message, I didn't realize there were special rules until after I posted O_o I promise I won't do it again!

Sorry to post again but there's nothing to edit yet.. I took the test on the site Cassandra posted and got 73.

Sorry to post again but there's nothing to edit yet.. I took the test on the site Cassandra posted and got 73.

I got 63. Says I'm severely depressed. Great. Least I know it now. I want to go on anti-depressants but I don't know if they'd help or anything. The question about thinking about how you would kill yourself. I've thought about it loads, all the time, I've wanted to many times. I figured it all out too, I know exactly how I'm gonna do it. If I ever do. I don't really think I will, I just have to try. Try and get through this life that just doesn't seem worth it. That's what fuels my depression I think. What's the point in life? I always ask myself that, and I don't think I'll find the answer. So I just want to give up, I think I'm worthless, undeserving of happiness. I know I'm a coward, not getting through it and stuff. But I can't help it. I wanted to get better, and I think I'm becoming happier. But it'll come back, it always does, always has and always will. I just hope it stays away for a long time.

Sorry to post again but there's nothing to edit yet.. I took the test on the site Cassandra posted and got 73.

The Goldberg Depression Questionaire? That's actually a pretty accurate tool for diagnosing depression... my psychiatrist gives that to people, actually, aswell as many other therapists. I've taken that a few times before in my life... the first time I took it (which was about a year ago or so), I got a 77; the second time (a few months ago) around 62-65. I just took it again and I got an 86, which is considered to be incredibly severe. I think that I ought to request a raise in my dose of anti-depressants, because I had noticed yesterday and just this morning that I was feeling pretty anxious, which is terrible considering that normally when I'm on my anti-depressants, I never get panic attacks.

I got a 26-Mild to Moderate.
Sometimes I just feel like i am trapped in a hole and can't get out. It's like i know that there is light at the end of the tunnel but I just can't see to find my way to it. Sometimes I can't remember when the last time i really smiled was or when I didn't feel alone. I always say I am going to go and see someone. But then my nerves and anxiety kick in. And I know that there our doctors out there that can help. But it's like I am afraid of what they will think of me. And that is so stupid of me to think that. My hubby tells me all the time that i need to see a shrink. (It's not as bad as it sounds) I am way to emotional. Something so small can set me off into an emtional rage. And I hate it. But I can't control it either.

I wanted to post in the other depression thread as I read it all, lurked around the links you gave and saw that's exaclty how I feel. I've just talked about this with my mother.. but you know how evboard is. :p
I've been like this for nearly a month now.
At first I thought it was just sadness, because well, this isn't being a great year, three of my four grandparents have died this year and also a close cousin. But with time I keep feeling worse, in physical aspects specially, and I don't know if it's related or i'ts a different thing. I'm exhausted without doing anything, I have headaches almost every day, sometimes I feel like I'm going to feint, my sight goes all blurry and sometimes I begin to tremble without reason. Finally I told my mother last week, and although she doesn't believe it's anything, I made an appointment to take a blood test, but it is for two weeks from now as they are in holidays.
In the psycologic aspect, I don't feel like talking to anybody. I feel so bad for my friends, I kinda want to talk with them but.. just no. I may start crying without reason, I have this 'rock' in my stomach. I don't want to do anything, not even those things I loved to do (web-designing, reading, listening to music, you know..).

I took that test and I got 72.
I don't know, maybe I should talk with my mother about this and go to the doctor.

I'm exhausted without doing anything, I have headaches almost every day, sometimes I feel like I'm going to feint, my sight goes all blurry and sometimes I begin to tremble without reason.

I have that too. I was supposed to paint in my new room today for instance, but I was afraid to because I've been so dizzy today and I seriously thought I'd fall off the ladder.

In the psycologic aspect, I don't feel like talking to anybody. I feel so bad for my friends, I kinda want to talk with them but.. just no. I may start crying without reason, I have this 'rock' in my stomach. I don't want to do anything, not even those things I loved to do (web-designing, reading, listening to music, you know..).

EXACTLY. That's exactly how I feel. And I'm scared to death of having to talk to a professional, my mom signed me up. My best friend is in Australia for a year, she's the only one I could kinda open up to..

@detail.freak, the whole "situation" with my Dad isnt as bad as it seems. Hes really shy, but has a short temper and would never hit me. He also has epilepsy, so hes hit his head a lot and he was lacking a lot of sleep at that time. Im not really sure why he said that, but he doesnt remember even yelling at me.
The thing that Ive been wondering about more now about death is more philosophical. When someone dies, everyone says that went to a better place. Thats mostly for an attempt at comfort, but if it is, why do we all want to stay here. Everything we know is here but it could be "there" too. Whatever you believe comes after life, what if its better? So many people kill themselves to let go of this world, but what if its like some kind of paradise? I guess thats just fear of the unknown.

Also, thanks for all of the replies, its easier when you know other people are there for you and feel the same way.

I scored a 59 on that goldburg test, but the thing is, I cant get prescription meds or thearapy because I am considering a career in the Army and I don't want anything that would damage my chances of getting in going on my medical records, I know it is a bad idea if it would affect me whilst in the army, but I want to get as far along the induction process as I can, without actually joining before making a desicion. Can anyone tell me what is the best way to deal with depression unofficially ?

I scored a 59 on that goldburg test, but the thing is, I cant get prescription meds or thearapy because I am considering a career in the Army and I don't want anything that would damage my chances of getting in going on my medical records, I know it is a bad idea if it would affect me whilst in the army, but I want to get as far along the induction process as I can, without actually joining before making a desicion. Can anyone tell me what is the best way to deal with depression unofficially ?

I scored a 59 on that goldburg test, but the thing is, I cant get prescription meds or thearapy because I am considering a career in the Army and I don't want anything that would damage my chances of getting in going on my medical records, I know it is a bad idea if it would affect me whilst in the army, but I want to get as far along the induction process as I can, without actually joining before making a desicion. Can anyone tell me what is the best way to deal with depression unofficially ?

Well... I honestly don't think you should really sign up for the army, because the conditions that you'll be put through bring more trauma into a person's life, especially if one is already depressed. If you get really anxious, then I suggest you don't join the army AT ALL! People with poor chemical embalance tend to be the first ones who go insane whilst in a war or even in training, trust me. I may not know first-hand because I'm only 14 and I haven't experienced any sort of war, but I already know that even a little bit of trauma will come out with a terrible result if you're depressed.

The way to deal with it unofficially is to try your best to keep the happy thoughts within your mind, and remember that the bad things are going to go away soon because the happy stuff will help you tremendously. This goes even if you're at war.

Can anyone tell me what is the best way to deal with depression unofficially ?
Depression isnt an emotion- its an illness. In that respect- I dont think there is any other way besides forcing yourself all the time or to take the medication or therapy or whatever is officially recommended to you.

I took all the tests at the site. The only one I am positive I am not is an alcoholic. :rolleyes: . I drink maybe 3 times a year, if that,:D .

I know I am a bit depressive at times. I take meds for it. However I scored a 42. I have to say I did not think I was that badly depressed. This week, yes it's been bad because our house has not yet sold,Cary's supposed to be to work the 25th. More than likely he is going to end up moving ahead of us but we have no money for him to move on either. 1500 miles apart will be no picnic either. He claims he will not go without our housing situation remedied but that is not totally in his hands.Shit the list just goes on and on.

No wonder I am so manic, I scored a ridiculous high number on that one too, lol.
My anger has been totally out of control. I have been a total bitch this week.
In fact, I have just wanted to run as far away from my entire family as I could and never look back. I even was thinking about divorce a few times this week. i've had with this not knowing if we are going to be ok from week to week. Its bullshit.

This whole moving fiasco has been done so ass backwards it isn't even funny. I'm beyond pissed he quit his job here so soon before we even came close to selling our house and now we are living off nothing waiting for his retirement to arrive and/ or our house to finally sell.We've had alot of money several times this summer but between 2 trips to Iowa already, the last him hauling a utility trailer with his truck(almost 1000 in gas roundtrip) and having to keep working on the house in order to make it buyer friendly we are really destitute.

Normally you make sure your home is SOLD or very close to being sold before you decide to move 1500 miles away to someplace you have to start all over again. Especially when you own your home outright. No house payment but we have utilities, living expenses, food, all that jazz to still account for.
It is such a no-brainer that when your house is bought and paid for unless it sells you stay where you have a roof over your heads. But he was not happy at his job so he decided to do something about it. In a big way! Turning our lives completely upside down in the process.

It just sucks. I wonder if my depression at the moment is a result of the fact I am living life in a pressure cooker or I really am this far gone.
Bleh. Sorry I just needed to vent.

You scored a total of 40.

Well i dont want to bore you with my life story but basically just been teased a lot in yr 7. Actually before that but it was alot worse then. Got called bullemic, annorexic and stuff which i wasnt but then i became annorexic. Almost attempted suicide that year. Made myself stay alive till my birthday. Anyways i just got steadily worse. Moved to a new school and was lonely for ages. Started cutting myself. Wrote all my feelings into an online journal. Some bitches at school opened up my comp and were able to read it because i hadnt signed out of it. Told the school councellor and it started this huge thing with my parents pretending to care about me. Had to also see an outside councellor. I kept lying to her cause i didnt want to talk.
I had a lot of bullies, still do. Well still did until this year. One got expelled for bringing drugs and alcohol to school and one died. She didnt deserve to die though. She was hit by a falling tree when on school camp. Soo now im really depressed about that.

Anyways wanna know anything else ask :|

Yeah, this summer...alot of things were going on my grandma passed, i had a severe chronic injury that prevented me from dancing for 3 weeks ( im in a company for ballet) I had to change studios. And i had already had issues with an eating disorder...And so...i was so tired and depressed...and empty...i had thoughts of suicide i was cutting...i wasnt eating...and on top of all of this..one of my best friends wanted me to tell someone...although she was going through the same thing...and i didnt tell her...she had found out on her own.

So she wanted me to tell a teacher that i have a severe hate against...and she told her and completely embarrsed me...because she didnt believe me. She thought i was doing it for attention. And i was very very hurt by both my friend and my teacher...But my old teacher now thinks im physco...lovely right?...So this continuted for 2 months...and my mom didnt notice. And finally got up enough guts to ask to see a conselour...never heard about that again...cuz she thought i was "taking it lightly"...

So i went away for 3 weeks for a summer intensive ballet thing...And i wrote a letter to my friend...four pages of my deepest feelings. And she took it as a suicide letter...which is definetly was not. So...she told her mom...he mom called my mom...my mom called me...and i lied. So now all of this to this day is haunting me...And i have been fine for about 2 weeks...I found god, and i have been turning things around...but i can just not get all of the embarrsement and tortue out of my head... it goes alot deeper then what you think...i just didnt feel like typing a book. ;) Im sorry that was so long...its just i know what your going through...and i always felt better knowing someone else felt the same way.

ok well, with my me, my mom is very mean and my dog and my horse died very close together. i took it very hard.before this all happened i just started feeling down most of the time. then school stresses me out very much!i have gone to therapy but it didn't really work.
-then just a while ago, my best friend started going out with my ex(who i still liked but my friend didn't know that)and i had a boyfriend too, but i liked my ex more than him and i don't know if i should still date him, but he likes me A LOT and i don't want to brake his heart and his died recently died and i'm the best thing that has happened to him since then. and then my ex broke up with my friend because he cheated on her and now she is very depressed(she has a hard time @ home 2) and she just told me she's been overdosing and cutting and wanting to smoke and has a little.and she said she can't take it anymore. so i feel like absolute crap right now cuz my other friend who also has problems: cuts, smokes and i think is overdosing now. i'm so worried and so is my friend because shes afraid she will kill herself and i don't know what i'll do.:confused: so yeah i feel like shit.with my problems and her:( :(

ok well, with my me, my mom is very mean and my dog and my horse died very close together. i took it very hard.before this all happened i just started feeling down most of the time. then school stresses me out very much!i have gone to therapy but it didn't really work.
-then just a while ago, my best friend started going out with my ex(who i still liked but my friend didn't know that)and i had a boyfriend too, but i liked my ex more than him and i don't know if i should still date him, but he likes me A LOT and i don't want to brake his heart and his died recently died and i'm the best thing that has happened to him since then. and then my ex broke up with my friend because he cheated on her and now she is very depressed(she has a hard time @ home 2) and she just told me she's been overdosing and cutting and wanting to smoke and has a little.and she said she can't take it anymore. so i feel like absolute crap right now cuz my other friend who also has problems: cuts, smokes and i think is overdosing now. i'm so worried and so is my friend because shes afraid she will kill herself and i don't know what i'll do.:confused: so yeah i feel like shit.with my problems and her:( :(

You should all try to help each other out. Maybe if you all found other people to be friends with also that might help? But I think all of you should find someone that you can trust or that you can talk to. Even if its not about that, just talking to people about everyday things usually helps me feel better.

with my problems and her
What are your problems that you have?

Hey guys... none of you probably know me since I just lurk around quietly most of the time, but I like talking to people that don't know me better anyway. Where to start... I've been depressed on and off about 2 years now. It started when I was 16 and my father drug up something from his past to really hurt my mother and us. They started fighting a lot and divorce (or something along those lines) seemed innevitable. I don't know what was going on with him at the time, but my father said a lot of things I will never get over. My family has always been together and lived here in this house since I was born. All of this was a huge shock to me. Around the same time, my actions on an online forum caused someone to show me something about myself I had been trying to hide from for a long time. I was forced to face the truth about my sexuality and that alone was tearing apart as it was. Under all this pressure, along with watching one of my only friends slip into a destructive lifestyle (from a distance at that), I lost it. At one point, I decided to end it all and cause those who were hurting me to see just what they had done. I figured the only way he'd realize is if he saw me there lying in my own blood. So I got up to pressing the knife against my wrist and crying till my head hurt. But then I just couldn't. Because a part of me believed it wouldn't hurt him at all...

Fast foward a bit. I actually made a new friend and became quite close with him. He was the kind of guy in who I could confide all my secrets. Even about my sexuality, which I was still unsure of. Nothing ever bothered him. Heck, he was more open about it than I was, despite being straight himself. We bonded quickly and after a few months were best friends. We had lots of adventures together, learned a lot about Japanese culture together and made a lot of memories. We were both into Yugioh cards and challenged each other constantly. It was really great. I had not had someone like him since I was 11, when my first best friend was killed in a lumber accident. (That's another reason I am so messed up inside but I'll get to that later). Around the beginning of 2004, we started a band together. We cleaned out the loft above my parents barn and made it into a sort of hangout/studio where we would jam and sing. I learned quite a bit from him about guitar, singing and music in general. It was great. Then he was accepted into another band and I was happy for him. Our band wasn't off the ground yet and I still had a ways to go, so it was cool. Then one day I went with him to a practice and my life was changed... I don't know if it was for the better or worse. As I walked into that basement, I was recognized by three people. Two from my middle school and one whom I had met in a bookstore just a month before. All members of a local church. It was the person I didn't know that caught my attention. There was something about him... anyway, they asked me to come along with them to a fun thing at the church's youth group. I said okay and went. I had fun and started coming back. Something had me hooked. Then there was a lock-in and I got to know the other guy. He was really nice to me and made me feel like I really belonged. And I think that's when it really started. I had a crush. On a guy. And a guy I could never have at that. But soon the whole church thing started becoming less about the other kids and more about God. I guess I raelly found Christ for the first time there... I mean, I always considered myself Christian but never truly understood until then.

On a retreat, things started changing between me and my crush. We started arguing over stupid stuff. We tried hanging out once and playing racketball but my self-loathing and lack of self-esteem bleed through. He was disgusted by it and we have never really been friends since then. So yeah, I bounced between my normal attire and goth for a while. Developed a bad habit of cutting myself with scissors and other random unsuitable objects. No razor blades around here so I went about it the ghetto way and probably did myself more harm for it. >< My best friend refused to join me at church, ever, so I didn't see him as much for a while. And then he told me that he only had time for one band. That I was on my own. So I told him that if he was leaving our band then he was leaving me. And he went. That only lasted a couple (agonizingly long) weeks though. He was back soon enough, but this time with a girlfriend. So I got pushed to second, which is only fair I guess. However his girlfriend had a gay best friend and they kept trying to push us together to make up for them not having much to do with us anymore...

So Summer rolled around and I turned 17. Then I went with the youth group to another camp where I met and got attached to people from out of state. I also talked to a counselor about my 'problem' and they were supportive of me. I came home and for a while, I was happy. However, maybe for the wrong reasons. I did a 180. Got my hair cut short, tried to get into sports.. what was I thinking? Here I had just accepted me for me and yet I was trying to change myself at the same time? How much sense does that make?! Time went on, Summer ended, I didn't go back to school as planned and everything went back to how it was. Me and best friend had another huge fight, stopped being friends, got back together and had a great weekend, split again. It was getting stupid. So then I went to a party on Halloween where his band was playing. My old friend from middle school was there and she tried to cheer me up (since most people weren't talking to me, maybe due to my blue-dyed hair and gothy clothes). But my crush gave me the cold shoulder and ex-best friend pretended I didn't exhist, even went to the extent of talking over me to my other friend. So I went home and cried.

November was the worst month of my life, I think. I started cutting again, more than before. Started drinking. Got drunk and tried to kill myself once. Didn't work out. Went to another concert of my ex-friend's band. Why I kept going to those I don't know... maybe it was for my crush or maybe just 'cause I was lonely. Me and the ex-friend became friends again that time but I also pissed off the crush pretty bad. And since I'm rambling here I'll just skip ahead. December sucked just as bad, more cutting and suicidalness, cried myself to sleep most nights, whole family got drunk on Christmas.. The new year started off real nice with warm weather and good spirits. But then my brother told us that his girlfriend was pregnant and my mom lost it. I went on another spring retreat with the youth group. Met a really nice girl that dated my crush for three years. She replaced the old crush by the end of the weekend. I came clean with my youth pastor about what nearly drove me to suicide. And he started helping me. Things seemed to be getting better, save for a slight relapse with my old crush. That Easter was my best Easter ever, since I got an electric guitar and stared learning. In May something happened and I pulled totally away from the church. Not even sure what it was now or if it was a lot of small things. I even stopped going to performing arts practice for that month.

In June, I got back on track and went to Florida with the performing arts team. Almost completely lost my faith on that trip, up until the last day when it all sort of fell into place... sadly, the thing that caused me to break down and open up that night was my mother calling me to tell me that a friend of the family (who was only 14) had been hit by a car and killed. Luckilly, over that trip I got a bit closer to some of the kids and actually started to consider them friends. I came home and was sick for over a week. Then spent a week helping out at vacation bible school and then it was time to leave again. The day before setting off for the next camp in Maryland, there was a pool party. However it got cut short by a storm, so went to one family's house by the river. Since we couldn't swim and all we decided to go see a movie. Nothing special, right? Yeah, but to a loser like me who had never hung out with any of them outside church, it was a first. So then we went to Maryland for a week. It seemed like a lot happened that week, it seemed like I gained something there... But then I pulled away, getting caught up with stuff going on in my home life. The baby was born, the girl's family went apeshit on my brother and he and the girl broke up. There were threats of lawsuits and arrest and all that shit. Someone in her family found my lj and slandered me and my family in a community I'm in on there. But worse, they read through all my personal thoughts and feelings without permission, which pissed me off to no extent. So I quit using my lj, which is probably why I'm writing so much here. Oh, and I said goodbye to the best friend for good shortly before my birthday in July. He stabbed me in the back one time too many and always with the people he should have known would tell me. Kind of makes you wonder if that wasn't what he wanted all along.

To put it simply, I have no real friends here anymore. The closest thing would be the guy I hang out with a lot and sometimes ride around with. But I cannot open up to him. And even if I did, he would just not want anything to do with me. My family is fractured and in turmoil. I have no one to confide in, those bastards even raped me of my one outlet, my journal. Somehow I cope. But every once in a while, a crack forms in my numbness and I break down hard. No one's there. No one. I used to complain about being lonely before but now I really don't have anyone. Because I don't trust anyone, can't trust anyone. The worst part is... most of the time I don't care. I just do what I have to and avoid having to care. When I'm really hurting... at least then I feel it. I don't cut anymore. But I don't think that it's because I'm 'better'. I've just lost the initiative even for that.

And I'm sorry for the freaking novel I've written here. I don't expect anyone to read it all. That'd be asking a lot since I ramble. I just needed to get it all out. And uh, sorry if this whole thing came off 'emo' or whatever. :\

There is so much sadness in the world. I feel that it will never stop.

Just as things start going right for me they fuck up and get worse. I thought that things would get better seeing as my enemies both were out of my life. I have new enemies, my ex "best friends". Everyone at my school has suddenly turned goody goody and they're like oh your soo naughtly blah blah blah anyways we had a fight and now my mates hate me and im all alone.

anyways you probably dont care about my pathetic life (no1 else does) so i'll shutup

There is so much sadness in the world. I feel that it will never stop.

Just as things start going right for me they fuck up and get worse. I thought that things would get better seeing as my enemies both were out of my life. I have new enemies, my ex "best friends". Everyone at my school has suddenly turned goody goody and they're like oh your soo naughtly blah blah blah anyways we had a fight and now my mates hate me and im all alone.

anyways you probably dont care about my pathetic life (no1 else does) so i'll shutup

Ahh don't act like that ;) You KNOW we care.

And yes, sadness will never stop because you need it on this world. Without sadness, there's no happiness. You need to know the two opposites to know the values of one and the other.

All I hope is that people don't label themselves too easily to gain pity or answer to questions in their mind they can't seem to find an answer to.
Let a doctor do it. Let someone who has the knowledge about such things do it.

Claiming you're depressed is easy. But it doesn't get you anywhere. I'm not saying you people aren't. Saying it may be a relief, but actually DOING something about it is what I think deserves felicitations.

I've been seeing a psychologist for 3 years, every single week. It really helps.
I recommend all of you to do so. It's a huge stress that gets erased off your shoulder.

I know some people refuse to talk about their personal lives to "a stranger", and I hate hearing people say that. Therapists are made to listen to your life, dammit!! My psychologist and I have become more than just "patient and doctor", we're not friends but she's someone I trust very, very much now.

It did take me time to open up to her. In the beginning, I only went 1 time per 2 weeks, and be both knew we weren't going anywhere like this. We needed to change it to 1 time per week if we really wanted to see improvement. It wasn't a matter of me not trusting her, it was me being too shy to talk about whatever the hell I wanted to.
You do not always need to talk about what's going wrong. Talk about good stuff that you go through too. A therapist is not made for sad things only, you know=p

I used to be an exaggeratedly kind and caring person. I did EVERYTHING for others, and (cliché) never got something back. (Eg. I think that people at school owe me over the 80 Euro/dollars in total. Not that much you'd think. It is much when you know people only needed +- 1 euro or so to get drinks/cookies. You do the math.) I used to buy people out of school stuff too...'cause I didn't spend that much money back then. Now my money gets spent on ME ONLY. Of course I'll lend people money. But back then I didn't lend but I GAVE. Now, I only lend if I know the person/trust her a bit, at least. It didn't used to be the case then.

I was a pressured person. I wanted to be, and was an excellent student.
I wanted to be 'perfect'. I got bullied a lot, but now I dont care that much anymore.. when someone on the streets looks at me and has comments. Or people at school for that matter. I just can't bother letting them hurt me.

A lot of people or too indulgent towards themselves. It's a shame to feel pitiful towards yourself. I know it's easier to whine and be sad and such, but if you make a bit of an effort, you'll feel better. Don't feel bad just for the hell of it. Just because it's easy.

Depression may be there, it doesn't push you to use it as an excuse for everything. (Not meant for everyone in here, general statement). Depression is cool nowadays, fine. People seeing through your stupidity is even more fun.


...
Once, I can't remember what made me do it, I realized I couldn't go on like this (being the overnice person). And I changed a lot, suddenly. Just like that.
I became so...free. I started feeling free. From that moment, I stopped caring so much. I had been feeling so bad for others. I still do. For some. Don't be afraid to focus on yourself only. You can't sincerily have pity for others if you feel pityful towards yourself. Heal yourself before caring about others that much. It is not being selfish &/or guilty, is it being human.

There's sadness in your life. But dont let it "hide" all the goodness in your life. It's easier yeah, but don't. There are such beautiful things out there in life, just open your eyes to it and admit the world does not exist out of shit only.

I have, like all of you, been through a lot of things that got me in this state. But it's mostly a genetical thing. Everyone in my family has it.



I'm proud of who I am today. I've become strong and somewhat uncaring without losing my vulnerability. I think I can be proud to have gone through such a "revolution" at my young age.

Don't let everything get to you. It's not worth it. No matter how much I love people, I love myself as well. And I think that's something all of you, and other people who are depressed, should achieve once.
It's a great, great feeling to be so...strong, I guess.

I took the test that's posted here about two weeks ago, and scored a 69. Today I scored a big fat 72.

My father had bipolar disorder, and I've read online that if someone in your immediate family has it, you're 7 times more likely to have it too. That scares me a lot. And I've done a lot of reading about bipolar disorder lately. I know I can't self-diagnose, that would be ridiculous, but I am afraid I might've inherited it from my father.

Recently I've been having the weirdest...mood swings I guess I'll call them, for lack of better words. I'll be happy about something, but seconds later I'll just go right back to being unhappy, tired and indifferent. I've been thinking about suicide a lot, for no real reason.
An example of this is when I had a fight with my fiance a little while ago. I walked outside, to cool off, and found myself thinking I should throw myself in the middle of heavy traffic, so I could die, and hurt him, out of revenge. These thoughts are becoming more frequent, and I'll imagine opening the car door while we're driving, and hurling myself out. For no reason at all. Just because. I see all these "ideas" of how I could die, like getting my head run over by a truck, after falling in front of it, and not getting up...but I don't want to die. I really don't. And I actually tell myself that, out loud, when I'm thinking those gruesome thoughts. I tell myself I don't want to die. Not now. Not yet. To stop thinking that way. I'm unhappy sometimes, but not that unhappy I want to end my life.
Then there's times that I'll be so happy I scare myself. Happy for no reason at all. Completely hyper, bubbly and giggly. When that phase is over, I become exhausted, and I go back to feeling indifferent, and bored again. Last night I had one of those happy moments, and nothing had happened to bring it on. Everything just seemed hilariously funny to me, and I laughed and laughed all night. And screwed around making jokes, immature jokes, that I'd normally find boring. It was like I was drunk, without having touched a drop of alcohol.

My own thoughts are scaring the crap out of me, and I really want to get help. My fiance tells me I probably feel "all sad, because I spend most of my time at home, alone". He also believes the suicidal thoughts can be "turned off", just like that. That I can just stop thinking about suicide when I want to, but that's the problem. I can't. He thinks that it's all just in my head, and it'll go away by itself. And that doing things, like going out shopping and stuff, will make me happy, and get rid of the sadness. But it's not sadness I feel. It's different.

Just thought I'd rant about it a little. I can't tell my family about it, because they'll probably think I'm begging for attention, or just plain insane (that's what they thought of my father). I can't think of what to tell them even if I wanted to.
I guess I really just need professionals to take a good look at me, and figure out what's wrong with me...

EDIT: I totally forgot to add that I'm having trouble sleeping. Sometimes I'll sleep 2 or 3 hours and feel fine, however most of the time I'll sleep 12 hours or more, and wake up completely exhausted. I can't sleep less than 10 hours lately. I don't know why.
I've also gained a lot of weight, and I'm still gaining. Although I hardly eat any food at all. I eat one meal a day most of the time, sometimes I'll eat a light breakfast, but that's all. I pick at my meals basically, and end up eating less than half of it all. Of course, sometimes I'll eat a whole meal (or force myself to do so), but most of the time I can only manage a few little bites, and I feel full. If I eat any more than those few bites, I'll vomit. It's strange. :(

sadness
sadness
[QUOTE]constantly sad[quote]
I know i might be technical or maybe just picking at your lack of a better word- but i hate when the line between sad people and depressed people is blurred.

Sadness =/= Depression. :)
Sadness = normal. Depression = chemical imbalance/disease.

I never implied sadness=depression. Reread my post if you wish. I said I feel it's not sadness, but something more.

I mean, why else would I be suicidal on a happy day, for no reason at all?

I know, im sure that people will just use sadness as a case to describe their current situation in what may be their depression- but just as a warning in general: Sadness isnt depression. Being sad for 5 days isnt depression. Fatigue, loss of strength, cloudy mind, sadness, withdrawal from everything, etc. for a prolonged time for what seems like 'no apparent reason' would be more on the depression side.

The line tends to get blurred so often, kids are very quick to label themselves depressed because boyfriend X talked crap about girlfriend Y who spread rumors and broke the heart of girl A who got mad at her friends who eventually left her/him or whatever reason and they get the mentality that "Oh no, being sad isnt normal. Something must be wrong with me." or they exaggerate their situation into "No one likes me." when its certainly, and they know it, not true.

Which is probably why teenage/young-adult self-diagnosis is, in my opinion, not a diagnosis at all. So I tend to be picky on who uses "depression" and "sadness" and the context.

i dont know whether that sadness = depression thing was aimed at me or not but i didnt mean that.

I have not self diagnosed myself. I was diagnosed by a doctor. Im on anitdepressents.

Thanks for the help. I didnt see a psycologist but i didnt really want to talk to her. Well i've seen a few and just didnt real feel it helpful.

Hmm, depression. Let's see... I have been diagnosed with depression. It was only recently that I was, but I've had it since I was approximately 15 or 16. I won't lie and say it's been easy because it hasn't. A lot of factors contributed to it. My mother, backstabbing friends, my family issues, etc.

I've been fighting it the best I can, but it's hard. There are days when I just want to give up, when I think life isn't worth it, when it's just hell for me. I can have okay days, but just.. generally they're hard for me. I'm always tired no matter how much sleep I get. I don't have any motivation to do the things I need to do. The things that used to be important to me just aren't of any importance anymore.

It's a challenge for me to get through each and every day. I feel like I repeat every single day. It's like a vicious cycle that won't ever end. I'm not ever happy with the things I do. I'd get some award or praise over something I have done, and it just wouldn't satisfy me.

My feelings actually stay in one spot. They do fluctuate from time to time, but it's rare. I'm usually just existing. I don't know if anything really exists within me except for unhappiness. I'd like to think more than that exists for me, but when it comes down to it, I'm just really unhappy with myself, with life, with everything.

I will be going to therapy soon, I hope. I was recommended for it. I haven't really mentioned my suicidal thoughts here, and I won't because I do think they are a bit harsh for this board. I will only say I've had them a lot. I have mental breakdowns at least once or twice a week. It's awful.

My thoughts of hopelessness and feeling like no one cares has worsened once I realized how emotionally abusive my family really is. I know it's not true, however, that no one cares. I just can't help but feel this way. It's a mindset, one of many I need to get past.

Okay, since I've done my share of whining, I want to ask some questions this time.. maybe in hope of an eventual solution. A lot of my problems are related to where I live, the people I know and most of all, my family. There's this great quote I love... "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain." ~Maya Angelou. Right now, I really don't think there's much I can do to change anything. I may be 18 years old (legally an adult here) but I am not physically or mentally mature enough to make it on my own. Especially with no friends or anything to back me. I would change my outlook, but I refuse to accept any of this as sane. Sounds stubborn, I know. But there has got to be more to life. I see so many people on tv, at malls and other public places, smiling and laughing with their friends. They seem happy. Read people's online journals and amongst your usual teen angst, find lots of stuff they like about themselves and their lives. Another thing I've noticed is that most of them have some idea of their future. Me, I don't know where I'll be two years from now. Still living with my parents, struggling on my own, dead... But when I try to think of me happy with friends and such, I feel like I'm just fantasizing. Because I've never really had that.. I mean I have had friends at some point or other, but rarely more than one or two at a time (real friends that is) and never really a group of friends. Which freaks me out because then I start to wonder 'have I ever really been happy? how do I even know what happiness is?'. Kind of stupid, I know. But then I think of the friends I have had and remember all the great times. So I can't let myself get too mislead by my own mind. Still.. I miss them. And I fear they have left marks on me that prevent anyone else from getting close to me.

Bah, sorry if I'm turning the Depression thread into the angst/tribulations thread.

ahh...depression. that was a WHOLE hunk of my life right there that I could've avoided.

i've had depression..jee, i dunno. i know i started seeing a therapist (for my swearing, siad my grandma) at 6 or 7 when i was in 2nd grade. i didnt think anything of it. for years i thought it was basically something i did with my grandma every tuesday afternoon, which it actually was. but this was a painful time in my life, and not just for me. the loss of my grandfather and great grand parents triggered a downfall in both family members and family connections. i was the child caught in the middle of this time where i lost animals that i turned to for comfort and family. as time progressed, i was getting worse. i didnt know what depression was, but now that i know i was diagnosed with depression, and i look back on those memories, i know i was depressed.

years went on. you know, the typical middle school drama that many people go through. 7th grade was the worst, and i reacted extremely agressively to a lot of things like losing a best friend. of course, everybody reacts to that, but my reactions seem to be a little..over the top, if i may say. this raised hell for that year.

life brought me to 9th grade...when i discovered aol's depression board on the AOL RED teen parental controlled area. i started posting at that message board, thinking it was helping me. never before have i thought of doing things they were discussing there, and if you have any idea what i'm talking about, i'm not going to say that. but i started doing really bad things that i look back on as a call for attention. i know i wanted attention. i was also faking a lot of my extremely bad parts of depression to myself and society, kind-of making an invisible wall between society and me. it just hurt myself. the board didnt help me, it hurt me. i left that board a little while ago, and while i was a constant reg. there and thought i couldnt ever leave that board, im fine now. and i dont miss it. i stopped doing my extremely bad things but i still went to the board. and i found myself slipping into my attention-wanting habits. i knew this wasnt who i was. when i FINALLY for SURE left the board, i still get my spurts of depression. i still have it, it never has gone away, and i honestly dont think it ever will. its there and sometimes it rears its ugly head more than it does other times. i still see that therapist, and i dont know if i need it or not. right now, nah, i dont need her. but i might down the road, incase something like that message board comes along. i hope not. but ya never know. i've stopped my bad habits for a while, but not too long ago i did it one more time. that's it. i'm not doing it anymore. i have my music. i dont need to have anymore attention, because i've got people who love me all around me and if i just ask, they'll help.

i think im also going through a phase that my depression doesnt help, but that i'm geting out of. i have no idea when i will get outa it. but depression has been with me for what seems like forever...but it doesnt hafta rule my life. i wont let it. and i think that was a big step in my recovery that came so much easier for me. it's difficult for others who let it rule their lives..cuz i know some people like this. im not saying everybody does that at all. im just saying my story, and how i was letting it rule my life.


:eek: i wrote a lot..
-ann lynn

For those who wana take a step in the right direction--- take a good look at who you hang around the most. "Show me your friends, and I'll show you your future." Or, replace 'friends' with whatever group you hang out with the most and have the most impact and share influence with. You might be surprised how you could change with a change of friends for the better.

At my theatre camp, a kid in our group had manic depressive disorder, which was slightly evident, and he had depression. Because this theatre camp was full of such great people, and positive influences and a great environment, he said "I have never felt better. This place does way more for me than any depression medication".

So if you wanna start examining stuff in your hustle and bustle of mixed up emotions and thoughts- try looking at your friends or environment, first.

I dont know what it is either, but it seems like depressive episodes. But heres a site I found very useful: http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/center_index.php?id=5&cn=5
I took the quiz as I remembered last year and got 34, I took it in the middle of this year and got 31, but then I took it a few weeks ago and got 9.
Daymn. 76?! WTF. This test is interesting, but it's more or less the same test they'll give you if you go to a professional for a diagnosis. In all seriousness, a huge part of determining depression is seeing how you respond to these questions (heh... I've had to take quite a few, so I'm more than used to them by now). They all ask a lot of the same questions, but this test in particular, was not very detailed or as useful as it could have been. I'm going to go and search around for a more accurate version, if anyone's interested, but I'll also stress that no test will or can replace a real diagnosis made by a ceritified professional.

But hey, it's all in good fun right? I'll be back to edit this and post something in. For anyone that got extremely high scores (and I mean something upwards of 50+) I'd highly recommend talking to someone and work on getting professional help. It's not always the best route, I'll admit that... but 9 times out of 10 it's the best... and hey - we've got to go by that statistics. (Seriously.)

End.

For those who wana take a step in the right direction--- take a good look at who you hang around the most. "Show me your friends, and I'll show you your future." Or, replace 'friends' with whatever group you hang out with the most and have the most impact and share influence with. You might be surprised how you could change with a change of friends for the better.

At my theatre camp, a kid in our group had manic depressive disorder, which was slightly evident, and he had depression. Because this theatre camp was full of such great people, and positive influences and a great environment, he said "I have never felt better. This place does way more for me than any depression medication".

So if you wanna start examining stuff in your hustle and bustle of mixed up emotions and thoughts- try looking at your friends or environment, first.

Ive found this true also. I was "depressed" while in school and everyone there was always half-asleep because all these 10-14 yr-olds were having to get up at 5 or 6 in the morning. But that summer when I wasnt around them, I felt better. But again it got worse a few months into school usually around winter or late fall. But as I was getting out of middle school and we were having all these 'moving on' activities, I started to feel better. Then I went to camp and everyone there was so much more fun and active and it was a week or two before my friend was diagnosed with ADD, so she was lots of fun. That was the happiest I have been in a while. Now, it's not yet fall and even though I get in bad moods, it's nothing like I felt before. I was surprised that I got in the 30s on that test, but compared to other people on the board, it's not the worse. I think that's because I wasn't really sure what depression was, at least the first time I "had it". But last year, we were learning about it and most of the symptoms sounded like what I had. Wow, now I'm not even sure how I've gotten from one point to another, so I'll end it there.

I just wanted to say: Hiro, thanks for the advice; lostfreq., read the post above you; and dark whisper, finally, someone else think BMtL sounds like its about depression.

ive been depressed ever since i can remeber. most likly because of what i saw as a child. my mom being abused by my dad. which i was emotionaly abused by him. and finaly phsically. since then i have cut off all tyes with my dad but im still depressed.

I think it's important to understand that depression expresses itself as individually as the people it strikes. For some it's temporary, others chronic. Some people are unable to function, some manage very well. For some it's mild, for some it's debilitating. What works for some won't work for others.

My wife has severe chronic depression but she's quite functional. You wouldn't know it if you met her. Ignorant people I can forgive. You know people that say "you just need to get over it" (right like she chooses this misery.) or "maybe if she had more faith she'd be cured". But the most hurtful comments have come from people who've actually had depression. Things like, "have you tried exercise or St. John's Wort or (insert whatever worked for you here)." Like somehow she's just not trying hard enough. Look she's been under a Pychiatrist's care for over 10 years now. I think he know's what he's doing. Yes she's been on every medication out there (right now she's on 4) and guess what it's not a cure-all. It enables her to function, that's it.

So my advice? Be supportive, be there but please keep your advice to yourself (unless that advice is "get some help"). Don't think you know what they're going through - you don't. Don't assume your depression is/was like theirs - it's not. Or that your treatment will work for them - not your call to make.

That advice goes doubly if you're healthy. Just assume that you have no idea what to do and encourage them to get professional help. Please don't try to be a therapist (though they may want you to) you're not qualified. Realize right now that a person with mental illness will not think the way you do. Stop expecting them too. What seems completely rational to you may be unthinkable to them. What makes perfect sense to them may seem irrational to you. That's the disease. The sooner you can give up forcing your rational thought on them the sooner you can start helping.

That is all.

This thread is very difficult for me.I've read most of the postings.What really makes me feel like rolling into a fetal position is the incredible intelligence of most of you.Then in the next breath,talking about suicide.I know you are very serious and I respect your position but always being THE ONE who falls through all the cracks or crashes the hardest on a downward spiral is still eligible to come up for air.No matter what state you are in.No matter what maze your caught in,or how boring the whole damn thing is,you still have a ticket to hop on another train.When you are breathing,all is possible.Like I was saying earlier,this is just very difficult to articulate.Sorry.

Okay, I'm usually not an open person, but I sincerely believe I need help. I'm not sure when it started, but somehow I ended up in my current state of just utterly hating myself and wanting nothing more than to be non-existent. I know that with my growing up and becoming a junior, the SAT's and college, I have realized that I have no clue where I want to go in life. Now, being a junior I know I do still have some time to figure things out, but when I try to do so I just keep telling myself that I am not any good at anything I want to do. I'm not sure why I degrade myself so much, I only know that I have been getting worse about it. I have lost interest in things I use to love doing. My theatre, playing either of my intruments, writing. I feel like everthing I do is a complete waste of time because I am not any good at any of those things. I feel like my family deserves a better child than me, that my friends would be better off not knowing me. I feel bad, thinking that I make their lives miserable, so I feel like they should be angry with me, that they should hate me for destroying their lives. No matter how many compliments someone may give me, I don't believe them because I am so convinced that I am just ugly and idiotic. I don't talk as much as I use to, because I don't think anything I want to say is significant. I really have been having a problem with making decisions, even small ones. I feel like sometimes I can't breathe, that life is just suffocating me. I have considered suicide before, but I really don't that much because I always say that my family and friends would be hurt ( though I truly wonder why ) by the selfish act, and I would never want to hurt them.
I believe that I need help, but I don't want to tell my family or friends because I don't think they should have to worry about me. Because I don't think I am worth worrying about. If I were to tell anyone it would be my family, but I don't know how to tell them. Could anyone give me some advice? I appreciate it. I don't want to get any worse.

Okay, I'm usually not an open person, but I sincerely believe I need help. I'm not sure when it started, but somehow I ended up in my current state of just utterly hating myself and wanting nothing more than to be non-existent. I know that with my growing up and becoming a junior, the SAT's and college, I have realized that I have no clue where I want to go in life. Now, being a junior I know I do still have some time to figure things out, but when I try to do so I just keep telling myself that I am not any good at anything I want to do. I'm not sure why I degrade myself so much, I only know that I have been getting worse about it. I have lost interest in things I use to love doing. My theatre, playing either of my intruments, writing. I feel like everthing I do is a complete waste of time because I am not any good at any of those things. I feel like my family deserves a better child than me, that my friends would be better off not knowing me. I feel bad, thinking that I make their lives miserable, so I feel like they should be angry with me, that they should hate me for destroying their lives. No matter how many compliments someone may give me, I don't believe them because I am so convinced that I am just ugly and idiotic. I don't talk as much as I use to, because I don't think anything I want to say is significant. I really have been having a problem with making decisions, even small ones. I feel like sometimes I can't breathe, that life is just suffocating me. I have considered suicide before, but I really don't that much because I always say that my family and friends would be hurt ( though I truly wonder why ) by the selfish act, and I would never want to hurt them.
I believe that I need help, but I don't want to tell my family or friends because I don't think they should have to worry about me. Because I don't think I am worth worrying about. If I were to tell anyone it would be my family, but I don't know how to tell them. Could anyone give me some advice? I appreciate it. I don't want to get any worse.
I'm not going to try to talk you out of this - I'm not a psychiatrist. But I do believe you need some professional help. You realize that, so step #1, done - that's good because the hardest part for many people is for them to say "I need help, I can't get better alone." That being said, go see your physician. Family doctors can disgnose you, and usually he/she will refer you to a specialist - for milder forms of depression perhaps a specialist won't even be needed.

I said that I can't be the one to give you psychotherapy (talk therapy), but I will say this: if you believe you made someone you love miserable, blaming or hurting yourself over it is like putting salt on that person's wound - only by healing yourself can the other person's wound heal. You get what I'm saying? You being depressed = family being sad ; you being happy = family being happy - so talk to your family and seek professional help - I'm sure they will support you and help you in any way they can. But realize, depression's not something you can just "snap out of." Have patience, continue receiving treatment, and things will slowly get better.

Okay, I'm usually not an open person, but I sincerely believe I need help. I'm not sure when it started, but somehow I ended up in my current state of just utterly hating myself and wanting nothing more than to be non-existent. I know that with my growing up and becoming a junior, the SAT's and college, I have realized that I have no clue where I want to go in life. Now, being a junior I know I do still have some time to figure things out, but when I try to do so I just keep telling myself that I am not any good at anything I want to do. I'm not sure why I degrade myself so much, I only know that I have been getting worse about it. I have lost interest in things I use to love doing. My theatre, playing either of my intruments, writing. I feel like everthing I do is a complete waste of time because I am not any good at any of those things. I feel like my family deserves a better child than me, that my friends would be better off not knowing me. I feel bad, thinking that I make their lives miserable, so I feel like they should be angry with me, that they should hate me for destroying their lives. No matter how many compliments someone may give me, I don't believe them because I am so convinced that I am just ugly and idiotic. I don't talk as much as I use to, because I don't think anything I want to say is significant. I really have been having a problem with making decisions, even small ones. I feel like sometimes I can't breathe, that life is just suffocating me. I have considered suicide before, but I really don't that much because I always say that my family and friends would be hurt ( though I truly wonder why ) by the selfish act, and I would never want to hurt them.
I believe that I need help, but I don't want to tell my family or friends because I don't think they should have to worry about me. Because I don't think I am worth worrying about. If I were to tell anyone it would be my family, but I don't know how to tell them. Could anyone give me some advice? I appreciate it. I don't want to get any worse.

hey i just want to say everything will be ok in the end. after i read your post i got me thinking that the way you feel is kinda exactly how i've felt for the past couple of years. same everything! i think the same questions as you do and then i start to guilty of myself for thinking such thoughts. you're 16 years young and you have a bright future. listen to yourself and no one else. just believe in yourself. it's ok to think about your thoughts but sometimes your thoughts can deceive you and betray you, i've know from my expierence. i'm 19 going to be 20 in Feb. it took me awhile to figure out what i love to do and that's music. i'm finally happy with myself and life. there are some down falls that occur but i find ways to break them down. i hope this advice helps for you, and not just you...for everyone on this boards who has stepped up to the plate and shared there expierence with depression. there is soo much that i want to talk about in advice on about depression. but this is probably the closest and best advice i can give. and remember feelings are feelings, don't let them consume you to the point where you cannot feel and breathe anymore. just listen to the lyrics to "Bring Me To Life". that has helped me to understand on my part of my life. i don't wanna sound like a pyschologist. but this is my advice. hope it helps. someday i want to bring an end to depression and help everyone who've expierenced it through my music down the road. that's all out of me. sorry if it's too much. but this is a personal topic to me. oh and if anyone has myspace there's a Anti-Depression group. talk to people there. they're in the same situations that are similar. here's the link --> http://groups.myspace.com/antidepression

Thank you for your posts. They really have helped and got me thinking about how I am going to deal with this problem. I do want to approach my family and tell them I have a problem that I want proffesional help for, I'm just not exactly sure how. I've done my best to keep any signs of my depression hidden from my loved ones because I never wanted them to worry. Before, I thought I would just hide the feelings and get over everything on my own. Obviously that didn't work out and I know now that I need help to get through this. Thank you again for your posts. Do have any suggestions on how I can approach my family? I'm scared in a way to tell them. Not because I think they won't love me anymore, just maybe be disappointed or think that they did something wrong.

Hey. Maybe if you just let loose, people would start to see that you are in need of help and that might make it easier for you to approach them. Then they may not feel so bad thinking you were hiding something from them. It's never easy to tell someone when you have a problem, but once you do, you tend to feel better knowing that you have made the first step towards the destination where you need to be. But if you wish to get additional help, you will need to approach them which you have already figured out. You have to understand that your family won't be mad, they will want to love you and support you through this. You could always write them a letter if you feel more comfortable doing that, or just sit down with them and chat, you'll feel better once you get it out in the open and you won't feel like you have to hide it anymore.

Thank you for your posts. They really have helped and got me thinking about how I am going to deal with this problem. I do want to approach my family and tell them I have a problem that I want proffesional help for, I'm just not exactly sure how. I've done my best to keep any signs of my depression hidden from my loved ones because I never wanted them to worry. Before, I thought I would just hide the feelings and get over everything on my own. Obviously that didn't work out and I know now that I need help to get through this. Thank you again for your posts. Do have any suggestions on how I can approach my family? I'm scared in a way to tell them. Not because I think they won't love me anymore, just maybe be disappointed or think that they did something wrong.

Thank you for your posts. They really have helped and got me thinking about how I am going to deal with this problem. I do want to approach my family and tell them I have a problem that I want proffesional help for, I'm just not exactly sure how. I've done my best to keep any signs of my depression hidden from my loved ones because I never wanted them to worry. Before, I thought I would just hide the feelings and get over everything on my own. Obviously that didn't work out and I know now that I need help to get through this. Thank you again for your posts. Do have any suggestions on how I can approach my family? I'm scared in a way to tell them. Not because I think they won't love me anymore, just maybe be disappointed or think that they did something wrong.

It's good that you realize that you have a problem that needs to be talked through.

As far as approaching your family, you've got to do it as straightforward as possible.

They will be disappointed and yes, they'll feel like they've failed as parents because nobody really expects this to happen out of their children.

It's one of those "it'll never happen to me" type things. It could happen to their friend's kids around them, but they don't expect it to happen to themselves.

Don't think of this as just your situation because it's going to affect your family. They're going to go through a lot of emotions because they'll be worried about you. Because they don't want to see you in that position.

If you acknowledge your problem to your parents before it gets to that level, you'll be better off.

They'll be supportive, but you are ultimately the person that's got to solve your issue.

that's such great advice. i shoud take some of that into consideration. i've been hiding from everyone except one of my friends. but lately my depression has been leveled off. i've kinda supressed it, but it's bound to come back and haunt me. but i think i'm doing a lot better than before i was to begin with. i think writing poems and music just helped me cope and get through the storm.

ugh, i feel too crap to try to "explain" what a weirdo i am. but im 20 and i study law in one of the best unis in london, my parents arent divorced, im not from a family of alcoholics, ive never been abused, theres nothing my parents wouldn't buy me, i get on well with people - all in all, i should be one happy bunny!! instead.. i made myself ill by not eating and developed anorexia (i did it all myself - cant blame anyone for it), i know im a huge diappointment for my family, i hate hate hate myself and im having suicidal thoughts daily.. i realise i sound like a spoiled child (which i am) but i can't help it. i promised my mum to eat and gain weight and instead im losing weight and i know it gets her really upset and i feel so sorry for my parents for having to deal with me :rolleyes: i have lots of friends in real, but none of them could even suspect im so crazy - i always laugh it of and pretend to be really cheerful. im too embarrassed to talk to anyone about my 'issues' coz im jsut screwed in the head - im also scared of asking for prof help (although i need a bloody shrink!!) coz i cant be bothered to pretend to be cheerful i tend to avoid my friends' calls and prefer watching 'Friends' at home for the 100000000th time than actually go out.

anyways, sorry ive gone on talking rubbish - cheers for listening xx

ugh, i feel too crap to try to "explain" what a weirdo i am. but im 20 and i study law in one of the best unis in london, my parents arent divorced, im not from a family of alcoholics, ive never been abused, theres nothing my parents wouldn't buy me, i get on well with people - all in all, i should be one happy bunny!! instead.. i made myself ill by not eating and developed anorexia (i did it all myself - cant blame anyone for it), i know im a huge diappointment for my family, i hate hate hate myself and im having suicidal thoughts daily.. i realise i sound like a spoiled child (which i am) but i can't help it. i promised my mum to eat and gain weight and instead im losing weight and i know it gets her really upset and i feel so sorry for my parents for having to deal with me :rolleyes: i have lots of friends in real, but none of them could even suspect im so crazy - i always laugh it of and pretend to be really cheerful. im too embarrassed to talk to anyone about my 'issues' coz im jsut screwed in the head - im also scared of asking for prof help (although i need a bloody shrink!!) coz i cant be bothered to pretend to be cheerful i tend to avoid my friends' calls and prefer watching 'Friends' at home for the 100000000th time than actually go out.

anyways, sorry ive gone on talking rubbish - cheers for listening xx

I've come to realize that it doesn't matter how "good" your life is.

A University of Pennsylvania running back committed suicide a few days after having the football game of his college career.

One would assume he was pretty popular among classmates.

However, his brother said that he had a history of depression issues and that he thought that he was getting better.

It's not limited to a social problem though. It could be an imbalance in the body.

Whatever it is, you have to talk with your family and then a therapist or a doctor about it.

You're going to have to come to terms with telling your family about it. You may not be comfortable with it, but if you can't trust them, who can you trust?

I'm saying this because I made the same mistake. Post-9/11, I was going through a lot of issues that I internalized and kept to myself. I never told anybody and almost let it kill me.

You've got to say something to somebody or else you'll be too late.

Having gone through what I went through made me realize that I would never want to do such a thing.

I was diagnosed with ocd and all of that causex me to suffer depresiion. it was very bad at one stage and i was a cutter. i dont cut anymore but i do get depressed from time to time but no where near as bad as beofre. for all the depression sufferers, there is hope and you can beat it.

I've done my best to keep any signs of my depression hidden from my loved ones because I never wanted them to worry.
The fact that they'll even worry about it means that they love you and want to see you better - and also, want to help you get better. Don't let that be a reason to hide your depression.

I've been very reluctant to post on here about my depression, but I figured that I have nothing to lose by doing so.. and so, here I am, posting about it.

Wow, where to begin. I really don't know where it began because when I was five, I really didn't have much self esteem. I would run myself down a lot and punch/slap myself when I did things wrong to punish myself. I remember doing that all my life but it seemed to happen more around the age of five and eleven. Ever since I was eleven, I've been going through episodes of depression.

I don't know what happened when I was eleven that made me worse, but I was so unhappy with life and with myself, with everything really, that I came to the brink of suicide. I was able to think myself out of it by reminding myself of those around me who would be hurt. I should have went for help when I did that, but instead I hid my problem from everyone and went on trying to lead a normal life. That is what I'm guessing has made me as messed up as I am today. A few years after the semi-suicidal attempt, I began to cut, but not on a regular basis. My mother saw my cuts one day on accident and threatened to throw me into a mental institution -- that stopped me right then and there except for the random relapse I'd have where I would do it just to get rid of the urge.

So, years went on, my self esteem never got better but probably worse over time, and I'd have random depression episodes, but I'd ignore them and wait until the pass. I was alright (within reason) until this year. In March or so, I went through a rough time with my best friend for about the beginning of March until the beginning of June. I suffered a deep depression episode to the point where my marks in school were beginning to suffer and I began to cut on a regular basis and contemplated suicide on countless occasions.

I was able to stop the cutting again, but not for long. Here I am again, in yet another long depression episode (going on five weeks now and I have absolutely no clue what brought this on), and yeah, I'm pretty messed up right now. My marks are slipping in school, and it's only the beginning of the semester, I've gone back to cutting (much worse than what it was before), and I'm having a huge negative impact on everyone around me.

But, I am proud to say -- I've finally got off my bum to get some help. I went to my family doctor (after a year or two of coaxing from my friends) and she made a referrel to the mental health system where I live. I'm currently on a waiting list to see a psychologist. I see her (family doctor) on a weekly basis to see if we can find anything that might be setting me off such as eating habits, things I do, etc. I've been tested and it's nothing physcial that has caused my depression episodes, so I'm guessing it's the years and years of self abuse I've done to myself.

What I want to say to anyone who is suffering from depression or knows someone who is depressed that you need to seek professional help. You cannot fight this on your own -- I'd know, I tried, and it only made me worse. If you know someone who is depressed, don't give up on them. Countless times my friends could have given up on me because I'm a bloody basketcase, but they haven't, and I am so greatful for that. Without them, I seriously think I wouldn't be here today.

If you're suicidal, the next time you have the thought of ending your life, sit down and think about everyone around you and how they would be affected by your death. That is what keeps me from doing it. I've thought of suicide many many times (today being one of those times) to the point where I have a plan devised and what I'd do for a suicide note. I'll just stop and think of friends and family and how ending my life would be so selfish because they don't deserve that kind of pain.

You aren't alone, and there is always help there for you. I have barely started the help process and I don't know how things will turn out in the end, but I do know things will get better, and that I will become a happy person. (I'm glad I chose right now to write this when I'm in an optimistic mood..)

So, umh, yeah, confide in those close to you, don't hide it from them because if they love/care about you, they'll support you and help you on a road to recovery, and professional help isn't a bad thing..

Wow, long entry, I think I'll shut up now..:p

anyways, sorry ive gone on talking rubbish - cheers for listening xx

None of whats being said by so many here is rubbish. I don't think there are many people walking around that aren't touched in some way.If someone looks real normal, thats the first sign of instability.Beware of anyone in a suit and tie.
Lostfreq.

I don't know...sometimes I think I'm this ridiculously depressed person who could never be happy, and other times I feel like the world is the best place on earth and that life is pure bliss. Most of the time, I'll be incredibly happy...and then all of the sudden some dark cloud comes over me and I'm inconsolably upset/unhappy/depressed. I think maybe a part of this may be because I'm overcoming my senior year in high school..which at my school seems to be the year of doom emotionally speaking. I was pretty much out of my mind with [very well concealed] depression....and so I'm thinking maybe I'm getting better, but it doesn't just go away. Does it ever? I have a hard time being in a perfectly decent situation and being content...and then all of the sudden snapping at everybody and being really annoyed and upset. Not in an extreme manner, I just become closed off, uninterested, and probably come off as a snob who thinks she's too good for whatever is going on. Is this normal, or am I bipolar or something of the sort? I didn't want to start a whole new thread about this, and this is the closest subject I could find that related to me...I think. If anybody has gone through or is going through a similar thing, please let me know! It would be nice to find out that I'm not as crazy as I think I am :) . But whatever, say what you will!

I am in the bowels of depression at the moment on the opposite end of life's spiral. When you change yourself so rapidly such as I have in my adult life, the arc gets bigger, so when you do finally reciprocate, it's not so fun. So why do I keep doing it, or anyone for that matter? It's two steps forward, and one step back. My depression is a healthy reaction and in its own way, it drives me, because I know I'm doing something right. My grandmother is also dying and has very little time left. I look at her and wonder how she let herself get like she is. I look at my dad and see him following the same trail in the snow, footprint by footprint. I woke up this morning to my father which is a daily event for us. I saw no hint of sadness on his face. A refusal to accept what the reality is. His mother is leaving him. Her other sons, Bob and Mike, are basically the same. Bob thinks she's nuts and Mike is indifferent.

I sometimes see my dad in myself and I don't particularly like it. But I know I'm not him. I am slowly, brick by brick, building a life for myself. If you think about it, if my dad wasn't how he is, would I be able to see things as optimistically as I do? I'm learning from the mistakes of the past, so maybe my realizations or mistakes or moments of clarity are affecting others positively. Then I remember how many people care about me, and how many flatter me with words of praise when I feel I did nothing more than lift a finger, but in the same breath, I'd praise them for something they'd be modest about as much as I was. Just before I wrote this, I listened to the following tracks continuously:

Miles Davis - Autumn Leaves
Snow Patrol - Run
Stress & Anxiety Relief (Self-hypnosis)
Miles Davis - Bye Bye Blackbird

Jazz is one of the most soothing, therapeutic music genres. Mellow, abstract tunes that come from within, as jazz is known to be unrehearsed and improvisational. It's the most humanizing music I've fallen in love with. The soft rifts of Snow Patrol or, say, Sigur Ros, two of my favorite bands, take you where despair and happiness are in the same realm. I cry a lot to these bands and I'm not sure what kind of tears they are. Either way, I find myself releasing. Destroying that feeling of dread and worry and paranoia. I can be honest with myself if my emotions can't help but be expressed. Many of you reading this, I'm sure, will disagree with the aforementioned title of this post. You might say I am too hopeful or too optimistic. That I'm glossing over the pain and ignoring what I need to feel. That life may seem perfect for me but others who are living in a world where imperfection runs their life couldn't possibly say what I am.

No, see, pain is normal. We all go through it. We're human, we make mistakes. As I said before, I'm in the Doldrums myself at the moment. But the way I see it, life is going to be a burden, but life is life, and thinking it can be more is asking too much. How can I say this? Well, look at my dad. He drowns his sorrows in liquid barley because, to him, it creates a world without pain, or anger, or stress. He's a fabricating a world he'd like to believe exists. He wants to feel that life is more than what it seems on a physical/conscious level. Perfection is absolute. The apex of what is deemed a positive. So if life will, by nature, be painful at times, and pain is normal, then why do I need to build a world where pain shouldn't exist? I don't. I don't need to ask what if anymore. I have no regrets. Not anymore. This depression is a biproduct of changing myself, and if I'm this down, I must be doing something incredible.

Life is perfect because I don't need to feel more perfect than anyone else because we're all in this together.

I am new at the Evboard, an I need some advice. Would someone please help me, cause I really need someone to talk to. I've been depressed from a few years ago but it's like a thing that comes and goes. I'm just really sad and feel like i wanna cry my heart out... My mail is immortal_amy@hotmail.com
I appreciate whoever come's to me...

Kay

First off: If anyone knows of an existing thread of the same nature, feel free to point me in the right direction.

Sometime last week, I decided that I've been depressed for several months, now. Alot of things in my life have changed over the last few months:

Moved away from family
Moved away from friends
Started College
Change in sleeping pattern
Have made no new friends since
New job
Money stress
Family Illnesses
Exam stress
Sexual tension
Disappointing Holidays
No outlets.


Apparently, this much change in a short amount of time has caused me to become rather depressed. I'm no stranger to depression, but this seems to be particularly bad for my health. I've lost nearly all creative drive, my sleeping schedule is ridiculous (4 AM - 10 AM), I've lost appetite, my school work suffers, and (probably worst of all) I don't see any way of getting out of it any time soon.

I was expecting something like this. I knew that there would be some flak from so many things changing so quickly, but I wasn't exactly ready for what I have now.



...Can I get a hug?

Sure you can get a hug *hugs*
I see you have many reasons to be depressed, but you have to believe in all the best and do everything you can not to let your feelings overwhelm you. I know it's easy just to say that, not easy to do, but depression is a normal state for me lately... a lot of things have happened that have changed my life and taken my last hope away, but still I live and never give up.
And you can talk to me, whenever you need someone ;)
(It relates to everybody who needs to talk)

[]Kay[]:

I know how that feels, I spent a lot of my previous ways feeling like that. But sometimes you have to look deep into the situation and come to conclusion with why you are feeling that way, did something happen to upset you? There are a lot of solutions to depression, and it is very treatable under the right management, you should find someone that you trust to talk to, someone who is close to you and you can depend on. I know that some days it feels like there is nothing that can be done, but there is, there is always something, appreciate the small things, embrace the things that you love to do. It won't be like this forever, but right now, just be as strong as you can and work through this because there are solutions no matter how far away they seem.

nostalgicdemise:

It seems like you have already figured out what is making you feel the way you do... With stuff like that, just try to work on one area at a time, and fix what you can when you can. Don't look at everything all at once because that is when it can seem very overwelming. Most of the things you feel are creating to your overall mood are just things that we have to deal with while moving on in life, and I know that these things aren't always easy, but they are there and we have to deal with them. Hopefully most of these things will decrease their stress level eventually with time but just hang in there. I am a horrible sleeper, most nights I am lucky if I get 2 hours or so, and I know what a pain in the but that can be. It's natural for your sleep to decrease when you have a lot on your mind, because it keeps your mind awake and active when you are trying to solve all of your problems in your head. Rememer, just try to work on one thing at a time, and hopefully things will sort themselves out.<3 Alana

I think depression has many faces and many names.When it attaches to you,generally it will compound itself into other aspects of your life.It's hard not to feed it when your at your lowest point,however,try to put your emotions into neutral and wait it out.The monster will go away eventually and that gives you the opportunity to come up for air.
There are degrees of severe depression that we all feel, and when you are young, you can't really handle a lot of the garbage coming your way.You would be wise far beyond your years if you never got stuck in the emotional mud from time to time.It will pass,there are many great years ahead.The ability to handle these downturns increases as you experience good and bad times.Don't ever forget, there are many people who really care and love you.I'm sure theres someone just like you waiting for a friend to come along.The first step out of your abyss is to find that person.
Lostfreq.

I don't know...sometimes I think I'm this ridiculously depressed person who could never be happy, and other times I feel like the world is the best place on earth and that life is pure bliss. Most of the time, I'll be incredibly happy...and then all of the sudden some dark cloud comes over me and I'm inconsolably upset/unhappy/depressed. I think maybe a part of this may be because I'm overcoming my senior year in high school..which at my school seems to be the year of doom emotionally speaking. I was pretty much out of my mind with [very well concealed] depression....and so I'm thinking maybe I'm getting better, but it doesn't just go away. Does it ever? I have a hard time being in a perfectly decent situation and being content...and then all of the sudden snapping at everybody and being really annoyed and upset. Not in an extreme manner, I just become closed off, uninterested, and probably come off as a snob who thinks she's too good for whatever is going on. Is this normal, or am I bipolar or something of the sort? I didn't want to start a whole new thread about this, and this is the closest subject I could find that related to me...I think. If anybody has gone through or is going through a similar thing, please let me know! It would be nice to find out that I'm not as crazy as I think I am :) . But whatever, say what you will!
You're not as crazy as you think you are - unless we're both as crazy as that. ;) And no, don't diagnose yourself with Bipolar disorder just yet. :p

But anyways, I'm more or less in the same situation as you - previously depressed, now loves life but still gets hit occasionally by brief depression episodes. Everything you said basically applies to me also, though I think my "mood swings" are not as severe and are very rare - in any case, depression isn't something you can ever just "snap out of." It's a chronic illness just like diabetes or any other physical illness - and even if you're no longer depressed, I don't think it ever goes away completely. Like a bad cut, it heals, but the scar stays with you forever, although fading slowly with time. I don't think I should speak for everyone, but to me, the end of my depression was when I was finally able to accept all my flaws, and not that those flaws went away. So now, once in a while I still think "why can't they go away?" I dunno if you want to hear this or not, but I don't think anyone who was once depressed can ever be 100% free from it. However, my life is hardly affected by it, except I might have more bad days than the normal person, so what? Life goes on, and I'm mostly happy. I'm glad to hear that your depression is getting better, but it will still take time so don't become disillusionned by another depression episode or by random days of depression, because only the overall picture truly matters.:)

can mood swings make you EXTEMELY depressed? like you don't wanna eat anything or your whole body aches, and you lose interest of interacting with anybody. All you do is you lie on your bed and you don't even think of sad thoughts because you tell yourself "i've been over this...i'm not depressed." but everyone around you can tell that you are. You don't even cry. you just waste time and as much as you want to move...everything hurts.
somedays, i really wished everything was just a mood swing because it hurts so bad to think of anything. i know i'm not depressed because i'm OKAY most of the time, but it's just one of those days.....that you just want out!
WTF is wrong?

can mood swings make you EXTEMELY depressed? like you don't wanna eat anything or your whole body aches, and you lose interest of interacting with anybody. All you do is you lie on your bed and you don't even think of sad thoughts because you tell yourself "i've been over this...i'm not depressed." but everyone around you can tell that you are. You don't even cry. you just waste time and as much as you want to move...everything hurts.
somedays, i really wished everything was just a mood swing because it hurts so bad to think of anything. i know i'm not depressed because i'm OKAY most of the time, but it's just one of those days.....that you just want out!
WTF is wrong?
I find myself using this analogy for a lot of things, but anyways. Imagine someone with absolutely no money at all - penniless. You give him $1 every minute until he has $1 000 000. Now he is a millionaire, but at which point did he stop being poor and become rich?

Likewise, happiness and depression are as clearly defined as black and white, but there are also every shade of gray in between - if someone's in the middle there, it's very hard to say for anyone that's not a psychologist to determine if the person has depression or not. So to answer your question, what's wrong? If you find your mood swings seriously affecting your life, see a doctor - if it's not something you're too worried about, then leave it - in any case, it's up to your discretion, do what you think will help you the most.

Also, to everyone: *never* self-diagnose yourself with anything - this applies to more than just depression, but I feel it's especially dangerous with depression and other mental illnesses because then self-diagnosis *really* messes with your head.

(WARNING: very, very long read...)
Wow... depression... this disease has taken me over ever since I was 12. I do not think I have ever been truely happy...
When I was 12 and in the sixth grade, people started making me one of the main subjects of the schools finest gossip... I cannot even count how many untrue stories I heard about myself floating around the school. People would make fun of me and call me gay and a fag, etc. I guess that is where the depression started. The thing was, I really was gay, but because of being the subject to harrasment, I denied it, and not until this year (I am 16- going on 17) have I truelly excepted it, even though I knew it all along.
Anyways, after 6th grade I became best friends with a woman who was 29 years old. She didn't act that old, and I did not sense anything wierd with her. She seemed only about 16 to me, I guess she was very immature. We hung out the entire summer, until we drifted apart before the 7th grade school year. That year I mainly spent all alone, being obsessed with Buffy the Vampire Slayer (it was in the 6th season then, and I felt totally related to the pains of the characters) and on the internet every chance I could. I constantly skipped school, and since then, have never really gotten good attendence. After that year, into the summer of 7th grade I became friends with that woman again. Only this time the relationship turned into something else. We started having sex. I did not see anything wrong with it at the time, and because of my strong will power, the relationship remained up until last year, when I was a 10th grader and 16 years old. I told myself I loved her, when I know I really didn't. I was so young, that I couldn't see what I was getting myself into, and I regret every second of those years wasted. The only good thing that came out of it was my son Cameron, who I can never see anymore, even though I spent his first whole year and a half with him, he is the only thing I have ever truelly loved. Anyways, last September my mother died, and if that is not bad enough, her family came into my home and tried to take over my sisters and my life. They did it all wrong, and nothing like how my mother would have. I felt like they tried to fix everything they thought my mother was doing wrong, under the mask that they were doing it all for her. Shortly thereafter my sister and I moved in with my mother's best friend and things went fine for awhile. That is until she snooped around in my room and read my journal which outlined basically my whole relationship with this 32 year old woman. Next thing I know I am being transferred to the hospital while she is braught to jail. Even then I still thought I loved her, and would do anything I could to help her. After she was bailed out from jail awaiting her judgement, I started to sneak over to their house at night, to spend time with her and her husband, who strangely was not mad at me. I actually think he was, but she had some wierd control over him, so he tried to put up with everything. Into last spring the lady I lived with told me I needed to find another place to live. I said I was going to move in with my dad, and left their house. However, I planned on staying with that woman and her family for awhile (btw- this woman was not even supposed to be at her house, and was hiding there. It was part of her release that she could not go to her old home, but did