Ok before I even start this I can tell it’s going to take forever for me to write, and a long time to read but there’s quite a bit of background info that needs to be put so here goes. Brake out the red bull or coffee here.


3 months and 3 days ago it was the end of year college prom. Me & one of my friends that I had really liked since I met her in February got together. We had both liked each other and after talking we both admitted to both being shy about asking the other one out, witch is stupid now coz we talk about everything and tell each other everything.

Over the 11 weeks summer holiday we got really close from talking on msn. My girlfriend lives about 70 miles away so it’s not really that ease for us to meet up. We was going to stop over with friends for a few days, then for her to come back the next weekend and then for me to go home with her to meet her family and friends.


In the end we didn’t stay with our friends we just met up they had just got engaged and that bought up a conversation about getting engaged. They’re older than us 19 and 20. Even though were both only 17 and had only been going out for the 11th of June we decided on the 20th of August that we wanted to get engaged. Ok I know that a lot of you will think we mad, to young or whatever you want to say but if you could see how we are when were around each other then you would defiantly see that we want to spend the rest of our lives together.


She hinted to her mum on the day I went home that we’re thinking about getting engaged and her mum said ‘Dan’s a nice lad and if your happy I’m happy’ her family have only met me once and I was only there for 4 days but I must have made a really good impression.

That’s things on my girlfriend’s side of things, mine isn’t that good

At my age my mum was married to her first husband, had my eldest brother with my elder brother on the way. My elder brother was in a relationship that I don’t know much about but from what I knew and from what got out of my mum’s rants over the last few days I’v gathered that they split up after he got her pregnant or that it ended soon after she had the baby, my mum & dad have a grandchild that’s a year or so older than me and my nephew and niece have a step brother that I don’t think they know about, but it’s not my place to tell them. I know that it had something to do with my brother’s girlfriend being a complete bitch to him because whenever my mum says anything about when I was a baby she always says that he made a fuss of me and always wanted 2 see me writing this now has made me think that he treated me like the son he had but couldn’t be with.

On Friday night I had a bit to drink and I told my parents that we’d got engaged (I keep saying in engaged but it’s not official yet, we know that we can’t really do anything till were 18 but it sounds as if her) my mum was less than happy but she put it down to me being a bit tipsy. On Saturday afternoon I asked my dad so what would you think if me and my girlfriend had actually got engaged and he just said ‘well I hope you know what your doing’ then later that night I had more to drink than the night before and said to my mum and dad that me and my girlfriend were engaged and that her mum had given us her blessing and that’s when my mum turned. My girlfriends mum did/does have problems with alcohol and what my mum said was totally out of order what she said gave me the impression that because my girlfriends mum has/had problems with alcohol that her opinion doesn’t mean anything.

I’m not a judgmental person and a week earlier I had a conversation with my girlfriend’s best friend and I brought up the fact that I was sick of my family bitching and backstabbing at each other. my mum is constantly having a pop at my sister when she’s not around, and then she’s really nice the second she walks down the driveway that goes out the window as for the rest of my family well it’s just as bad.

I was really upset at one point I can’t believe that I didn’t start crying when I was talking 2 my girlfriend 5 min later. I told her what my mum had said and she was shocked because her mum is really nice 2 my mum, she told me that she was thinking about asking us if we wanted to go out for a meal so our family’s could meet I was even more shocked with what my mum said, considering my girlfriends mum had invited me to go on holiday to turkey the week before she’s even offered to pay half my flight. But for my mum to think that someone’s opinion doesn’t count because they have problems is just out of order. I was thinking of running away at one point on Saturday night till my girlfriend said she knows I’m not like my family.


I know I’v put tones of stuff here and ok some of it might not be relevant or is confusing to understand but I really need some help with this, I’m not that religious but on Sunday night I prayed and that’s something I’v not done for a very long time. I know my mum and dad are worrying that we are getting serious to soon and are worried that the same mistakes are going to be made again but we know that we’re not going to make the same mistakes and that if there ever was something then we believe that our relationship is so strong that we can over come anything that life throws at us. We’v both been through a lot in 17 years and now were finally happy because we’v found somebody that we trust, love and understand, someone that knows where were coming from and what we’v been though we’v hit a brick wall namely my mum.



HELP!

Okay dude I can relate to you in alot of ways.
1. I was almost "engaged" at 16 to my first real girlfriend.
2. After 10 weeks my best mate got engaged to this girl I had only met once.
3. Family issues.

First things first you have ask why your family doesn't approve. Chances are they feel unstable (with their relationship record) and so naturally pass their worries on to you.

Why are you with your girl? (sounds silly but Love isn't enough to pull you through) Where do you see yourself in 2, 5, 10, 20 years from now? Is your girl with you cleaning your dirty undies? :D Where are you going to live? What kind of job are you going to be in? Think realistically.

You have to have a family for support. Your family may be okay with it eventually but if your Lady's family is okay with it than sweet!

Love isn't enough to keep you together. My first girlfriend and I broke up because her mum was a bitch to us. What I am saying here is that commitment is the biggest factor of a surviving relationship. You will fade in and out of love over time.

Tell your parents important stuff like getting engaged straight away! They love you and only want whats best for you. If it makes them happy for you two to wait till 19 to get married than do it. It will not only make your family support your marriage it will also build trust and responsibility. After all, whats 2 years of not married compared to 60 years? Will it be 60 years if you married tomorrow? Or would the complications force an early end?

If all else fails (not likely if you are committed) run away together, but build a plan first. You don't want to end up on the streets. I will leave you with this.

Marriage is no picnic.

First off, I am so happy you found someone who makes you happy. But, what's the rush. true love, when real, does not mean rushing into marriage. You two love eachother, but it takes a hell of a lot more than love to make a marriage work. you live 70 miles apart, so you do not see eachother often. That cute little thing she does now, well, after living with her for a year may seem obnoxious.

Have you discussed all the important stuff. Where will you live? how many kids will you have? Stance on religion, politics? Who is going to cook and clean, and when? these are some, not all, of the very important things that should be discussed and talked about.

Take it from me. You NEED a lot more than love to make a marriage work. True love waits. Take time getting to know eachother before jumping into something. Think about who you were 2 years ago. I bet you thought and did things totally different. Now, think about who you will be in 2 years. what if she is different in 2 years?

I am not saying you CANNOT do it, but all I am saying is "What's your rush?" There is no NEED to be engaged. How will it change your relationship?

basically, your mom loves you. she knows, and anyone older than you on this board knows that 17 is still too young to commit your entire life to someone. don't worry about what she said about your GF's mom. She probably didn't mean it.

Also, running away is NOT mature. if you cannot stand up and face your problems, then you have no business getting married.

I know this post sounds harsh, but do not take it lightly. I have seen too many people screw up their lives too young because of "love". If it is real, it will be real in 5 years. take the time to get to know yourself, let her get to know herself, and grow together. If 5 years from now you still feel the same, then get married. or else, 5 years from now you could be lamenting the horrible mistake you made.

Your mum is probably feeling threatened by your girlfriends mother, thats probably why she is attacking her. But your parents are just trying to protect you. I went through this with my parents not long ago. It was a bit different to your situation, but i thought they knew nothing that they were wrong, and they just wanted to keep me from the world. But know i realise that they were right.
I'm not saying your parents are right but maybe you should consider, living the Marriage life before getting yourself into it. Live with your girlfriend, and everything before marrying her. Cause living with some one 24/7 is a bit different from talking to them from a far distance.

I think it is wonderful that you feel so strongly for someone and have that returned, i only dream of that. But just remember you don't have to marry her to keep her. She won't go anywhere. Just make sure you know what your doing.
And if you really want this your parents arn't going to stop you because you will do it anyway.

Hope it goes well for you
<333

hey man

first of all let me say that i'm sorry things suck so much for yu. i can't give yu good advise because i'm only in my first real relashionship now. but i can relate with the family issues. cause my mom is EXACTLY the same way. i just learned to blow her off, cause i really hate my mom. but it sounds like yu really respect her. and thats cool. but just do whatever feels right yu. no one can tell yu what will make yu happy. it's all in yur heart. so just do what's right for yu whether yur mom approves or not. i hope it gets better for yu.

laren

Ps. i'm really happy for yu and yur girlfriend i hope yu guys the best!!

If it is true love then it can wait a few years. At least wait until one of you have a stable job and can support you both. That is what I am doing now, 8 months till engagement, but I will also be 19 in 5 days and my boyfriend is 20 and has been working/on his last year of college for the last year. A lot of stuff changes between 17 and 20, when I will be married. Just take your time and get to know each other very well. There is a big step between friends and dating and even a bigger step between dating and marriage.

I got engaged at 17 to my boyfriend (Dan, isn't that funny?) who was 19 at the time. My family has always had problems with his family because they're a bunch of loonies, sluts, and druggies (I'm dead serious), but that didn't make our relationship difficult, time and understanding heals those sorts of differences. (So I know quite a bit of what you're going through, perhaps more, and what you will go through.) Though, that doesn't really apply to your question so I won't go there. My opinion is that you should not get engaged right now... it's just not a good idea at your age.

Both of you are still far too young, and now is absolutely not the time to make such a big commitment to each other. You should look at getting engaged in the same way you would look at getting married. Do not do one if you're not fully prepared to follow up with the other. Wait a little longer, you'll be surprised how much is going to happen in the next five years of your life. Besides that, as everyone has said... love is not enough.

People that get married simply because they're in love will usually wind up in a divorce, an unstable marriage, or an unstable home life. What happens is that as time goes on, they learn more about each other that they previously didn't know. Being married is a very different situation. Living together takes a lot of thought. You need to discuss a lot of things such as living arrangements, jobs, who will be in charge of what around the house/apartment, finances... even the little things like who's going to deal with the trash, who's going to buy the groceries, do we even like eating the same sort of things, do we have weird habits? Interestingly a lot of those minor things that aren't thought through are what cause relationships to desolve.

To be honest, I don't think that at this age you even want to worry about all of that planning. I think that you're still young, and still enjoying each other's company, and that you just love being with one another... that's great... don't rush to the next step of marriage, that's too drastic right now. Besides, marriage is special... so is an engagement... and I'm sure that at your age you might not have the proper income to really make it as special and sincere as it needs to be. (I've had quite a few friends that have run off to get married at a Justice of the Peace in fairly quick weddings... being in a hurry does not make things easier, or prove your love, or show that you care for each other so much that you're ready... it just shows a sign of immaturity and unpreparedness. It's not smart.)

So... as everyone else has suggested... take your time, and keep living your life. Don't plague yourselves with these kinds of questions until you're a little bit older, out of uni, and you'll be able to get a good, supporting job. Be wise about it; that will make a huge difference in whether or not you guys stay together or fall apart.

End.

SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE... Being married young IS NOT AN EASY THING! It takes ALOT of work. Who I am today is not who I was when I was 18. Being a teenager only sets you in the right path to who you really are going to grow up to be. Me and my hubby married when I was 20 and he was 19. We met when he was 17 and I was 18. It's a hard situation. Sometimes he feels like he didn't have a chance to experiece alot of stuff that I did. Today me and him are 2 different people. I love him with all my heart and soul. But the challenges are huge that you have to take. I don't want to say I rushed into my marriage but I did. (There was alot of history I don't want to get into) We definetly were not ready. It's a HUGE step to take in your life. There is nothing wrong with just being with someone to be sure. Me and my hubby lived together before we got married. We just didn't want to make a mistake. You need to be able to support yourself before you can support someone else.
See when I was 18 I already had my own apartment with roomies and I knew I could support myself. My hubby moved straight in with me from his moms house. We lived together by ourselves for 8mnths before we got married. I just can't stress how important that it is that you really know this person. Marriage isn't a game.
I don't know how important your family is too you but Ialso can't stress enough how important it is to have your family behind you. Me and Brad got into binds and they helped us out. I couldn't imagine not having my family with me every step of the way of my marriage. How many times has your mom or dad met this girl? You should give them time to get to know her. Let them accept her too. Show them the girl that you see.
I do wish you the best. If you ever need to talk please pm me. I know what you are going through ;)

My great-uncle Jack married his wife when they were both 19 and they've been happily married going on fifty-one years. But you have to take this as an exception. You will find that a majority of young marriages fail. Part of this nervous questioning is wondering if you're an exception. If you can have what my uncle Jack can. There is a certain emotional point you reach that makes you mentally prepared to living and loving someone for forever, but the means to acquire it are lacking, whether it be financial, parental, educational, or even physical, as many long-distance relationships will show. I'm going to be honest. I "proposed" to my girlfriend last December. That's two months of going out and one month of being in love. For a time, we were both enthusiastic about it. But the more we thought about it and considered reality, the less easy it seemed. We were going to have a tiny ceremony when she turned 18, I said I'd get her a promise ring, and I told her she'd have a ring by July. After many months of being together and after a disasterous trip to go see her, we figured out how ready we weren't.

She's still a young woman, changing as much as the sun rises. She has ambition, goals, and still has to grow up. She doesn't want to be tied-down by my mother (who came up with the promise ring idea) because mom thinks a little trinket will protect her little boy from a broken heart if we don't work out. My girlfriend also said she doesn't need a little ring to remind herself of how much she loves me. The truth of it all was that we wouldn't be living together until at least 2012 when she finishes college. I can't be allowed in a dorm and it would risk our being caught by her parents. Then there's living together. There is a whole different side to people once you're physically around them. You get comfortable with their prescence and how they act. I've met my girlfriend once in a year of knowing each other. Once. I still have to catch up. I seem to be babbling here but nervousness happens. Even if you're completely capable of marriage and willing to do it, there is always going to be a hint of fear and 'Can we make it?'. Sharing an entire life with someone is a major event and sacrifice so it seems intimidating. But if you think, deep down, you can't do this, don't get married. It's one thing to question and another to doubt.

I respect that you've found the person you think you want to spend the rest of your life with. However, I know good and well that in the midst of being totally in love with somebody, reality can disappear or at least fade into the background.

1. You do not know this person well enough to get married (or even engaged) yet. It's not as if you've even spent a whole lot of time with her since you two started dating. You don't know what she's really like, and she doesn't know what you're really like. You are thriving on romantic notions. Newsflash: Romantic notions aren't what marriages survive on. Marriages are based on sacrifice, forgiveness, love (the constant kind, not the passionate kind), and patience. I'm not saying she isn't the one for you, but you should probably consider that the face people put forward when they first get together is not the face they'll show for the rest of their lives. Which brings me neatly to my second point...

2. Do you have any idea of how long FOREVER is? It's a really, really, really long time. At 17, I'm not sure you're really capable of making this kind of decision or even understanding the gravity of it.

3. Where are you going to live? How are you going to support yourselves? If you get married, you have to become two adults who are responsible for themselves. It is highly immature to expect your (or her) parents to support you after marriage, even in terms of paying for college. I don't know if either of you plans to go to college, but if you do, at least one of you (and maybe both of you) is (are) going to have to refrain from full-time college work just to keep your financial heads above water.

4. I don't know your family situation. Still, I believe that truly wise and mature people seek the counsel of those wiser than they are. Do others disapprove of your engagement? It may be that others see something you can't see from the inside of your relationship. I encourage you to ask your parents why they disapprove. I also suggest that you stop drinking illegally and divulging things you're trying to keep from your parents.

5. Next point (a general principle of psychology): If you feel the need to lie about it, something is probably wrong with it. You may even subconsciously know this yourselves.

6. Long engagements are kind of bad. If you find that you want to break up with this girl 6 months into the relationship (you're not at that point yet, right? you're about 3-4 months along, according to my calculations), it will be very difficult because you two are "engaged." Being engaged makes you less likely to see the flaws in the other person as serious, and it also makes you less likely to break up even if you feel it is not going to work out, on the grounds that "it wouldn't be fair to her." You have made a bigger commitment than you should have made at this point in the relationship, in my opinion. Also bad in the long engagement category is the conflict that will undoubtedly exist in setting a wedding date. Since her parents approve, she will want it sooner, and you might want it later to take advantage of your parents' support longer.

I am very sorry that your parents have criticized your girlfriend's mother for being an alcoholic, which strikes me as strange since they let their own son drink. However, you have to realize that your girlfriend's mother's position is so strange to them that they have to justify it somehow. I also think that your girlfriend's mother might not know that you two are really engaged, just that you have been thinking about it, which is a very different proposition, trust me on this one.

The truly loving thing to do in this case is to wait. Your girlfriend deserves in-laws who love her for the wonderful person you obviously think she is. And they eventually will if you are wise and wait. They will warm to her if they see that the relationship is very serious and stable, which they have no way of knowing this far in. If you rush things, they may always see her as the girl who ruined their son's otherwise promising life, and thus not get along with her.

Marriage is about more than passion, more than love. It is about sacrifice, duty, and family dynamics. When you marry someone, you are marrying their whole family, their whole culture, their whole life. Think about what that means at this point for your girlfriend, and wait.

My great-uncle Jack married his wife when they were both 19 and they've been happily married going on fifty-one years. But you have to take this as an exception.You also have to consider how long Uncle Jack knew his wife-to-be before they got married, and that Uncle Jack and Aunt Whoever were a full two years older, and probably light-years more mature because of the time they grew up in, than our young friend RocK StaR.

Me and my hubby lived together before we got married. We just didn't want to make a mistake. You need to be able to support yourself before you can support someone else.
See when I was 18 I already had my own apartment with roomies and I knew I could support myself. My hubby moved straight in with me from his moms house. We lived together by ourselves for 8mnths before we got married. I just can't stress how important that it is that you really know this person. Marriage isn't a game. I agree with Kaydee for the most part, and I'm not criticizing her at all. I respect the fact that she chose to cohabit with her husband before marriage. That is a deeply personal choice. Just recognize that living together before you are married is associated with a HIGHER risk of divorce. We don't really know why, but more than one study has found this.

However, I agree with the basic concept that knowing someone before you're married to them is EXTREMELY important.

I did get married young (I was 20), so I know a little bit about this married-young thing too. Money is tight. You have to be willing to give and take a little more than you're used to. And people act like you're nuts for being married for so young. However, I knew my husband for six years before we got married, and we dated for the last five of those six years. We were engaged for the last year and three months of our dating relationship. Our parents supported our decision 100%, as did our friends and our pastor. We were financially capable of sustaining ourselves with no outside help. We sought premarital counseling to help us understand how serious our decision was, and we knew where we were going to live and how we were going to pay for things (we had a complete budget) BEFORE we got married. Things are working pretty well for us. Some things have been a challenge, but if you are really willing to work hard at marriage (and we are) the little problems go out of the window, not because of romance, but because you have a deep and abiding love and patience for each other, and the ability to give and receive sincere apologies and then let the wrongdoing go.

I agree with everything LadyJo said (having been engaged when I was about your age), but just to throw in my tuppence...

Ask yourself very seriously why you want to get married.

Throw out societal expectations and any idea that marriage will solve all of your problems or magically turn your life around, why do you want to get married?

You can enjoy each other, spend time together, even move in together or have children together (none of which I am advocating for or against, btw, just throwing it out there) all without being married. So what is the advantage of getting married?

Separation from your parents? Marriage might help you with that, but its nothing that you can't achieve on your own and is a lame reason to get married.

Love? Love will be there five years from now and, as LadyJo points out, it takes a lot more than love to make a marriage work (sorry John Lennon).

All relationships, of any form, take work and marriage isn't a cure-all or even a quick repair. Its great you've found someone you are happy with and want to spend your life with, but that person will be there in five years and so will you. Give it time and, in the meantime, think about why you want to get married and see if you can find ways to fulfill those same needs.

Personally, I think marriage is stupid tradition and that loving only one person for your whole life is overly exagerated. But look, if you really are sure you want to get married and so is your girlfriend and you both need to do it to feel safe together then go ahead. If you guys are perfect the way you are, then why would you need to change it? Marriage is something very very special for people who believe in it and it is something that changes your life drastically, sometimes fast, sometimes slow. The point is: do you really need it? Aren't you gonna study? You'll have to move out of where you are or bring your girlfriend to where you are so that you can live together and be a married couple, are you sure you wanna see her all the time everyday? Is she even ready to move farther away from her house? Are you ready to do the same if she isn't? Are you ready to hear your parent's whining or complaints? Where will you spend the holidays? Will you have children? Do you have a stable job? Will you study in a stable department? Are you planning on working everyday to support your family by going to a job you hate but you go to cause it pays well? Etc, etc, etc.

You have to ask yourself all these questions before you jump into marriage, especially at a young age. You should reconsider or at least rethink it. Good Luck.

Hey... I thought I'd write because I married at 19 (husband 20) so I feel like what I have to say might be helpful. We sort of married out of necessity... It was a situation where we knew we both wanted to get married eventually, but wanted to wait until we'd finished school. But other circumstances came up that sort of forced us to do it early... long story.

On the other hand, when you know, you know. You know? haha...

If there's no actual need to do it early, it might be best to wait. That way you know you can actually take care of each other. If you start off a mairrage without much of anything and with no secure careers, it makes it REALLY tough (I can say this from first-hand experience). And also, even though you both are sure now that it will last forever, I was in my husband's sister's wedding a year ago May (she was 19 also), and she was divorced within a year.

So basically, wait if you can. But if it's a matter like needing financial independency or something like that so you can stay in school, or a similar situation, go ahead... If you know. ;)

Seems like getting engaged at 17 is quite the thing to do. I was enaged at 17 to my first serious boyfriend. There's a lot of history that I don't want to delve into but it obviously did not work out. I know that you two are in love and I know that the thing that would seem right would be marriage but I would strongly urge you to think about it a lot. Not only are you two so young and will do a lot of growing up in the next year but, it seems to me that you may be rushing into this a little too quickly. Take it from someone who knows.

I got married last year at the age of 18. I had known my husband for two months, we dated for three weeks, we were engaged for one week. Even though there were a lot of really good reasons why we wanted to get married so soon, I still wish that we could have taken some more time to really get to know each other and work some of the things out beforehand. Although we are still together and stronger than ever, it was most definately not an easy road. The first three or fourth months of our marriage we fought constantly. There have been a couple times where we have been on the verge of calling it quits. There have been many mistakes and a few heartbreaks. I would say that we were lucky but I don't think luck has anything to do with it, it has taken so much work to get to the point where we are at now.

Honestly, the best advice that I could give you would be to wait. You are so young and you should enjoy that while you can. You have your entire life ahead of you. So many options are open to you right now and you should not be so quick to make one of the biggest choices of your life just because you are in love right now. More than likely this relationship will not work out, very few high school relationships do. So please, just enjoy the time that you have now and don't be in such a hurry.

I will be dating my boyfriend for at least two years before we will be engaged. It will happen in the next six months BUT we have also been through most people don't, one month into our relationship his mother passed and if that doesn't test your relationship then I don't know what does. Once we do get engaged we are waiting at least a year to get married. I will be 20 and he will be 21 then. Just wait, it isn't as easy as it seems. It is hard work. As humans we always jump into things and use the excuse that "it is right because my heart says so" but a commited marriage is a lot more then your heart being right, it is work. Give yourself some time to grow up and then rethink this.