Hello, I know not a lot of people know that much about me here on the board, but I'm going through a hard time right now, and I'm wondering if you guys can give me some advice.

I'll just start out by saying, my parents have never had a good relationship...they've both been unfaithful at some point in their marriage, and my dad has been abusive to my mom before. In the past few months, my dad has been on medication for a disease he has called Crohn's, and unfortunately, some of the medication has made him violent, and him and my mom have been getting in crazy fights. The police have been over many times, but they never arrested either of them (they don't have reason to arrest my mom, but my dad has been violent, but i guess not enough to be arrested). But tonight, they got in another fight;my dad accused my mom of having an affair with one of our neighbors, and was holding her down forcefully, not letting her outside...I won't go into too much detail, but I'll just say i had to call the cops. They arrested my dad and he'll be in jail for at least a day, and he's on somewhat of a restraining order where he can't come to our house for 5 days or so.

Now, for the advice I need:When my dad gets back from jail, which he will at some point, and if they start to fight, what can I do to calm them down? i'm also having a hard time not being angry with my dad, because he's done a lot of things to me and my family that really hurt;how can I let go of that anger? What can I do to help motivate my mom, because with everything that's been going on, she feels very depressed. I just feel very frustrated with them right now.

For anyone who read all of this, thank you.

You may not be able to calm them down. Unfortunately, there may be nothing you can do to help them. I know you want to help, and that is great, but they need to work this out themselves.

Perhaps, before things escalate again, until the point where the police are needed, remind them about what happened, and you do not want to call the police again. Tell them to sit down, on opposite sides of the room, and CALMLY talk to eachother.

it is OK, and perfectly reasonable to be angry with your dad. You father is supposed to be there to protect and love you, not abuse your mom. Parents are not perfect, and are not always the best of people. Is your dad reasonable sometimes? Can you find him when he is a good mood, and tell him that what is he doing is hurting you trememdously. There are ways to work out your agression towards him, like writing, exercising, etc, that can help ease you.

just remember, none of this is your fault, and you cannot blame yourself if you cannot fix it.

i'm sorry for your situation. i can imagine that it is very hard for you. i agree to ladyjo80: this things your parents have to manage on their own. what you can do is.. talk to both of them. talk about what you think about the situation and try to talk about their feelings. it's okay when you say that you dont want these "crazy fights". you are their child and you have the right to say it. although you know how difficult the situation is. and it's okay that you sometimes hate your father. my father and my mother have an argument since i was a little child. sometimes my mother threw things at my father and i hated my mother for that. parents are just humans, too and humans are not perfect. it took some time for me to realize that. what i wanted to say is that a family is a group of ppl who are very, very, very close to each other. but there are also a lot of arguments in the family and sometimes they hate each other, thats normal. but the abuse of your mother is sth where you have the right to say that yo dont want it

<3, nadine

You may be able to attempt to calm the situation down before it escalates, however, if it does get to the stage it sounds like it has been in the past I would advise you not to get involved. Although you are understandably concerned for your mother in that situation, you need to consider you own safety as well. Ringing the police is probably the best thing you can do.

As for motivating your mother - invite her out to do something, just the two of you. Maybe do it really nicely - make her a card saying you want to take her on an outing or something and make sure it is really special. It should cheer her up a bit and maybe take her mind of things for a little while.

As you say, the sudden more-violent attitude of your father's seems medication-induced. In that case- i think theres little you can do for his manners.

As for cheering your mom up or anything- most would say that in a home/situation like this- the best idea is to get out. Go have fun where you can have fun- friends, movies, shopping, park, swimming, circus, arcade- whatever. Treat yourselves. A lot.

Its hard to watch people you love fight and you cant do anything about it... but its harder to stop it.

I agree with what everyone else has said, and I just want to add that you should make sure to tell your mom that you're there for her. Let her know that you care about her. Definitely try to do things with her, to get her out of the house and to let her have something to enjoy. And I know you might not want to hear this, but if things like this keep happening, and someone's life is in danger, it might be best for them to split up. Good luck and I hope things work out for you!
~heather~

Thanks for all the advice guys, it helps. I have a new problem now...it turns out, the neighbor i mentioned earlier and my mom do have something going on between them( I know it sounds like a soap opera, but it's real) and I feel really betrayed because me and my mom have always been super close, and been totally honest with each other, but in the past few days, she's lied to me about so many things, and broken my trust. I love her so much, but I'm very angry at her for not telling the truth. Whenever I try to talk to her about it, she gets defensive and just says that she needs to be happy, and i need to understand that. I do want her to be happy, but this guy that she likes, he's an alcloholic, he does drugs, which my mom witnessed and told me about before she started liking him, and none of my other siblings are comfortable with it( I have 5;2 of them are too young to understand what's going on, but the 3 older ones are totally against them being together) It just hurts because my mom and dad aren't even divorced yet, and she's all ready seeing someone else...she promised me that if she and my dad did split up, she wouldn't date anyone so we couldn't get hurt by more rocky relationships. I just feel totally betrayed, and like I've lost my dad and a best friend all in a few days. i don't know what to do, I'm thinking of staying at a friend's house for a few days. I don't know if anyone can give me anymore advice on this situation, but if you can, I need it, and I'll appreciate it very much.

i can understand that you are very angry and sad about this. maybe your mother just want to hide from her problems with your dad. but i think it wont make her happier if she starts a relationship with a man who drinks. of course, if she loves this person she can help him out of this. talk to your mum, say that you want her to be happy but she should really think about her relationship with this man. say to her that you love her and that she can talk to you whenever she has problems. i can imagine that you feel betrayed and that you dont want this relationship but this a thing which SHE has to work out.
what about grandparents or friends? if you cant talk to your mother, maybe you can talk to them.
i wish you good luck. you dont deserve this problems. *hugs*

nadine

I thinkj you should sit down and talk to your dad one on one. He's probably feeling really alone right now and he needs his family's support. Chron's disease is a very serious medical condition. I think you should read up on it a bit so you can understand what he is going through.

(here are some links)

http://digestive.niddk.nih.gov/ddiseases/pubs/crohns/

http://www.healingwell.com/ibd/


Okay, so I know you are probably feeling worried for your mother and yourself that your father is getting more violent. And I am not trying to justify his actions, but the doctors are probably trying out many types of different drugs for him, to see if they can find one that will work for him to lessen the symptoms. And until then, he may not act himself, and you should just try to support him so you may stop another outbreak like the one where you had to call the police.

If he does, I suggest you just talk to him calmly and tell him that you are there for him and you know that he's going through some hard stuff right now.. etc. etc.

Good luck.

I'm sorry for what has been happening. I really do hope everything gets better for you. I think that you should talk to your mom at one time and tell her whatever you need to tell her, then have a talk with your dad. Just talk on the side, or tell him you would like to talk to him, and tell him everything that is on your mind. Tell him exactly what he has been doing, and that it's hurting you and your mom both. Explain everything that he did, and try and get him to see what damage he's done. Maybe once he realizes what he's doing/did he'll learn to control himself, and be more aware of what he does.

As for what's happening with your mom maybe you should have a talk with her and try explaining everything that is hurting you. Tell her everything she is doing and make sure that she'll listen to what you have to say. Maybe go out to dinner, or spend some time together. Just make sure if you talk to her you're the only person that should be around. Express anything that you need too, and tell her what's she has done and said that you feel hurt, and you know she's been lying.

I wish all the best of luck to you. I hope everything works out for you. *hugz*

I'm very sorry you have to deal with this...family problems suck. Believe me, I know. Maybe try to get your older siblings to sit down with your mom, and get a conversation going. Maybe she'll rethink about things if you show her how much it's affecting her children.

Thanks for all the advice, you guys. I would talk to my dad, but he's on a restraining order from my family right now, so i can't talk to him on the phonr or by any other means of communication. With my mom, I have talked to her about how i feel, and she listens, but she's not changing, so it's really frustrating. We just kept getting in fights about it, so now I'm staying with some friends from my church to take a break from everything going on. This is totally selfish of me, but the restraining order against my dad, ends on the day of my birthday, and both my parents are gonna have to be in court all day for that, so this is gonna be the first time my family won't be able to be together for my birthday, and it's bumming me out. Another thing with my dad, he's not the most open person, so how can I get him to open up when I talk to him?

It's not selfish that you're staying with someone else. You seem to care a lot about your family and what happens. And try to enjoy your birthday when it comes. As for getting your dad to open up, just keep talking. Or write to him, or call him; sometimes it's easier to say things when you're not face to face with someone.

~heather~

Sometimes it's good to get away from family and all problems that are happening. Just make sure that you're safe, and you'll be okay.

I'm sorry about your mom still. I wish you guys wouldn't get into fights about that. I wish that she would change for you. She doesn't seem like she's doing the right thing.

I would be bummed out too if my parents had to spend the whole day in court on my birthday. Just stay strong. I know it'll be hard that day, so maybe you guys could do something fun the next day.

As for getting your dad to open up more when you talk to him, say something like this.. "Dad, when I talk to you, I wish that you would be more open and I wish that it wasn't such a problem. I would like to talk to you, and I want to be able to share what's on my mind, and I would also like it if you could share what's on your mind too." Something like that might be a way to help him open up more.

I wish you the best of luck. I hope everything turns out okay.

I'm very sorry you have to deal with this...family problems suck. Believe me, I know. Maybe try to get your older siblings to sit down with your mom, and get a conversation going. Maybe she'll rethink about things if you show her how much it's affecting her children.

i totally agree. even with all this going on she's still your mother and would put you and all your siblings above something frivilous. if your siblings and you sit down with her and really express how serious this is to you it might hit her as to how much this is affecting you. and who knows maybe you'll all be able to even figure out something to do about ur dad. its a family problem so the entire family should be together to get through it. this way none of you deal with this alone.. if ur dad's medication is whats making him so violent then shouldn't there be something your doctor can do? i truly do hope everything works out. please pm me if you wanna talk... a girl i knew died because of abuse in her family so i anytime you wanna just vent about it i'm here friend :D

its just hard, because me and my other siblings have tried to talk to her about it, and she just doesn't understand, she says that right now, she can't be alone and she needs someone with her, and no matter how much we talk to her about it, she doesn't change. its so frustrating!! I try to tell her she has family and friends that are there for her, but she thinks she absolutely needs this relationship with my neighbor to continue. I don't get it.

And the thing with my dad, yeah, the medication does make him violent, but he's always had a violent and controlling personality, and the medication just made it worse. I feel bad saying it, but I'm glad they're getting divorced, because it was so emotionally draining having to worry about my parents fighting all the time. I just wish my mom would understand that this relationship with this neighbor is hurting me and my siblings. I know I can't control her, but I just wish she'd change. :(

well then the divorce, although its definitely gonna be hard, its only gonna make things more at ease with your family. time apart should do your parents good. i think you and your siblings should all write your mom a letter and sit her down and have her read it with you guys. or leave it on her pillow for her to find. letters are more personal and i've found when having trouble getting through to my own mother written words usually really help put things into perspective. Please PM me more about your situation if you ever wanna vent.